Title: Trying To Remember; Trying To Forget (TTR;TTF)
Author: Betty
Email: JBKITT@email.msn.com
Summary: Rain has soaked much of Eastern Tennessee. Neil and Christy go 
to Lyleton.

Part I

Tennessee had seen more rain this March than any other. Rivers and 
creeks swelled from their banks, finally spilling across drenched land 
and into cabins of those whose homes were situated close to the river's 
edge, such as Dr. MacNeill's and the McHone's.  For a week, Tom refused 
Opal's plea to temporarily move into the mission. Finally, as the water 
rose to almost six inches in their cabin, he relented, fearing for the 
safety of the children. Dr. MacNeill had gathered his most valuable 
possessions, his research papers and slides, and moved them to the attic 
of his cabin. He then collected a majority of his medicine and placed 
them in the safety of David's bunkhouse, where Neil would stay, when he 
had an opportunity to rest, until the waters subsided.  I must admit, it 
was nice to cross paths with Neil more often, whether it was as he was 
coming in from a long night of tending to victims of the flood, or as he 
took a moment to rest in a rocker on the porch, smoking his pipe as his 
hazel eyes tried to hide the anxiety he felt over the endless torrential 
rain. Even amid the chaos of living at the mission, which was beginning 
to overflow with more residents of the surrounding area, Neil's presence 
gave me a sense of peace, security and happiness. It was odd. I had so 
much to do, so much to worry about, but I couldn't remember a time in my 
life when I felt more serene.

But by months end, the mission was filled with people. My room was 
beginning to look and feel like a sorority dormitory. Five cots were 
squeezed in and I now shared my room with Ruby Mae Morrison, Lizette 
Holcombe, Becky Holt, and Clarabelle and Wanda Beck. My nights were 
spent trying to sleep amid giggles and whispers, and when I did finally 
nod off, I would awaken in the middle of the night to find that Vella 
Holt and Little Ann Beck had crawled in with me. How could anyone sleep 
with two small children sprawling their legs every which way and tugging 
at the blankets all night? Because of all this, my patience with the 
children, and even their parents, began to drop. I wasn't sure how much 
longer I could take the sleepless nights, the small hands rifling 
through my things, and the sheer lack of privacy.

It was during one of these sleepless nights that I decided not to fight 
it and descended the stairs leading down into the kitchen. To my 
surprise, Neil was sitting at the table in the dimly lit room, but he 
didn't notice me. His head was down, his right hand clutched at the 
curls near his forehead, and his tired eyes seemed to be studying the 
papers before him.

I spoke softly so as not to wake the others sleeping in the living room, 
"Looks like I wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep."

"Christy," Neil looked up in obvious surprise, tossed his pencil on the 
table, leaned back in his chair and massaged his bloodshot eyes with his 
thumb and forefinger, "It's 2:00 a.m. Having trouble sleeping?"

I rolled my eyes as I slumped into the chair across from him and then 
replied sarcastically, "Trouble sleeping, trouble breathing, trouble 
thinking. Take your pick."

Understanding, Neil nodded. Neither of us said a word for the next few 
moments, both enjoying the quiet company. Soon, the pitter patter of 
rain subsided.

"I hope this isn't just another short break in the weather," Forlorn and 
feeling at my wits end, I continued, "When will it ever stop??"

"Soon. Hopefully soon." Neil replied absently, as if his mind was 
elsewhere.

Unexpectedly, the clamoring ring of the telephone startled us. I 
instantly jumped to my feet and answered it before the second ring.

"Hello....yes.....certainly...." I turned to Neil, who was listening 
intently and sensed the seriousness of the call, "Yes....I 
understand....Goodbye." I didn't wait for Neil to ask the obvious, "It 
was the Lyleton operator. The bridge over Big Lick Spring washed away, 
taking with it a four year old child. They were able to fish the little 
boy out but he's in bad shape. His poor mother was so distraught that 
she went into labor." I took a breath,  "She's not due for another two 
months."

Neil methodically placed his papers in a folder and put the folder in 
his satchel, "I'll get my things together and go. You'll have to tell 
the others. I may not be back for days."

Without thinking, I blurted out, "I'm going with you." Neil had one foot 
out the back door but stopped and turned towards me. I wasn't going to 
allow him to speak first, "Don't tell me it's too dangerous and don't 
tell me I'm needed here. There are enough people in this house to take 
care of each other. I won't be a hindrance and I may just be able to 
help." I paused. A shudder raced down my body at the thought of staying 
in the mission another day, "Please......" Could he see the desperation 
in my eyes? "I have to go with you."

Instinctively, I prepared myself for the ensuing argument, but a 
sympathetic look washed over Neil's face. Had I gotten through to him? 
But, just as quickly as it had appeared, it had vanished. He then looked 
at me sternly and said, "Be ready in five minutes." My heart leaped, but 
before I could thank him, he was out the door.

Part II

I quickly but quietly raced up the stairs and into my room, where all 
seven of its occupants were sleeping soundly. I dressed hurriedly then 
grabbed my satchel and stuffed it full of clothes. Creeping back down 
the stairs, I had to smile, thankful that none of my roommates awoke to 
catch me fleeing. In the kitchen, I whipped together a few sandwiches 
and put them in a sack, along with some fresh fruits and potatoes. On a 
scrap piece of paper, I scribbled: "Miss Alice, Trouble in Lyleton. Went 
with Dr. MacNeill. Don't worry.....Christy."

Just as I finished, Neil opened the back door. Without stepping inside, 
he reached his hand out toward me and said, "Let's go." I grabbed the 
satchel and sack, and darted toward the door. Before stepping out, 
something made me stop, turn, and look around the vacant kitchen. Neil 
lightly placed his hand on my elbow, as if to steady me, then asked, 
"What is it?"

"I don't know," I replied, "I just needed one last look before we go." 
How odd. I felt as if I needed to memorize this room, this place. I 
shook the bizarre feeling from me then smiled up at Neil, "I'm ready 
now."  

The dark clouds overhead blanketed the moon's glow. Neil lit a lantern 
to illuminate our way, but he was yards ahead of me. My pace had slowed 
as I walked past the barn and heard the soft whiny of the horses. It 
suddenly dawned on me that we wouldn't be able to take the horses to 
Lyleton, the ground was too soft and the mud too thick. What had I 
gotten myself into? Would we have to walk the entire eighteen miles to 
Lyleton? If I was going to change my mind, this was the time to do it.

Neil stopped to wait for me to catch up. He seemed to read my mind as he 
stated, "We'll have to walk to El Pano. From there we can take the train 
to Lyleton. If my calculations are correct, we should be in Lyleton just 
before dawn. Are you sure you're up for this?"

No, I wasn't sure I was up for this. I had precious little sleep or rest 
in the past few days, but I wasn't going to let this stop me. I wanted 
this. I needed this. Confidently, I answered, "Of course, Doctor."

Neil half smiled then continued on. For the next hour, he walked ahead 
of me, looking back every now and then to make sure I wasn't lagging 
behind. Walking at a steady, quick pace, Neil seemed focused and 
determined on the task set before him. My attempt at idle conversation 
along the way was futile. His replies, if any, were brief. I understood 
that he had a lot on his mind, but I felt there was more. Again, his 
mind seemed elsewhere. What were those papers he was studying in the 
kitchen at the mission? 

Around 3:30 a.m. the rain began again. I was cold, tired, and miserable. 
Neil stopped long enough for me to catch up to him. He turned his back 
to the driving rain and shouted, "Hold on to my coat." 

Grabbing onto the bottom edge of his coat, I held my head down from the 
rain and allowed him to lead me. In virtual silence, we continued on, 
until an hour and a half later, we reached the El Pano train depot. Neil 
and I found shelter from the rain in the general store. Ten minutes 
later, the train arrived, the rain had stopped, and I was happy to find 
my warm, dry seat next to the window.

Neil sat across from me, and noticed the weight of my eyelids becoming 
heavier. In a low, soft voice, he commented, "It's not too late to turn 
back. You could stay at Mrs. Tatum's until David can come for you."

"No.... No." I shook my head, fighting against fatigue. "You need all 
the help you can get. I'll just rest my eyes until we get to Lyleton. 
You should do the same."

With that said, Neil folded his arms across his chest, and rested his 
head against the seat. As his eyes closed, I studied his rugged face. 
There was something different about him lately, a sort of melancholy. It 
wasn't just the flooding. I had seen Neil thrive under greater pressure 
than this. What could it be? Would he open up to me if I asked? At 
times, we seemed so close, and at other times, so far apart. As I 
wondered if Neil would forever be an enigma, my eyes closed and I 
drifted off into a very heavy sleep.  

**********************************************************************
Part: 3 and 4
Summary: Neil and Christy arrive in Lyleton, but too late. Neil faces 
his past.

Part III

The train arrived in Lyleton much sooner than I had expected. As Neil 
and I stepped off the train, we were immediately greeted by a male 
relative of the little boy and the pregnant woman.

"Doc." The soft spoken man shook Neil's hand, "Thanks fer comin'."

An awareness suddenly appeared on Neil's face, "Oh, no. Chester, it's 
Bonnie and Ray Gene?" The fact that Neil knew this young man's name 
caught me by surprise. But then I realized that Neil, being the only 
doctor around for miles and miles, would know many people by name.

Chester placed his hands in his pockets and looked toward the ground as 
he shuffled his feet, "Bonnie's daid, so is her baby gal. It happened 
'bout an hour ago. Th' baby was birth'd backward. Bonnie wailed on 'n on 
'bout gittin' that thar baby out. Blood was everywhar. Then Bonnie, she 
jest laid back 'n gave up th' ghost."

Neil placed his hand on Chester's shoulder and spoke softly, "I'm sorry 
Chester. How's Ray Gene?"

"He's been asleep ever since we got him outta th' creek. Ain't movin' 
none either. But he's a-breathin' awright Ah suppose." Chester cast his 
blue eyes upon Neil, "Reckin yu kin holp 'im, Doc?"

"I'll do what I can but I can't make you any promises."

Chester then glanced his eyes in my direction. Realizing he hadn't 
introduced us, Neil stepped aside, placed his hand on the small of my 
back and nudged me forward, "I'm sorry, Christy. This is Chester Banks. 
Chester, this is Miss Christy Huddleston."

I offered my hand. Chester gave it a single, hardy shake and said, "How 
ye do, Ma'am?"

I replied, "It's nice to meet you, Chester. I'm so sorry to hear about 
the loss of your wife and newborn daughter."

"Oh. Bonnie, she twern't mah woman. She was mah sister. An' Ray Gene's 
mah only nephew, but yur right, I love 'im like he's mah own."

Neil must have noticed the warmth of color I felt rising in my cheeks. 
He timely interrupted, "Dark clouds are starting to roll in. We better 
get going if we're going to beat the rain." He then started off, sure of 
the direction he was heading, which lead me to believe he had been to 
Bonnie's cabin a few times before.

Our journey to Bonnie's cabin was short but difficult. Again, Neil was 
uncharacteristically quiet as we trekked through rain drenched fields, 
and woods where the mud was so deep, it began to ooze over the top of my 
boots. Finally, a clearing in the trees revealed the tiny cabin, so 
similar to those in Cutter Gap. Small children scurried about outside 
the cabin. Their mothers, whose forlorn faces conveyed the unspoken tale 
of a death inside, huddled in a small group near the doorway. A wail 
sporadically eminated from the crowd. 

I tried not to look into the bloodshot eyes of the grieving as Chester, 
Neil, and I made our way inside. Their pain was unbearable. But a lump 
caught in my throat when my eyes caught sight of the tiny, young woman 
laying in her bed which had been placed in the middle of the room; her 
lifeless daughter swaddled in her arms, as if they were sleeping. Seven 
men were seated around her bed; her grandfather, father, and five of her 
brothers. Immediately, they all glanced up towards Neil.

Neil cleared his throat, then placed his medical bag on a table, and 
withdrew from it his stethoscope and two medicine bottles. He was all 
business as he turned, scanned the room amd asked, "Where's Ray Gene?"

Bonnie's father stood, and with his hat in his hand, solemnly replied, 
"He's gittin' wash'd." He then turned to the far side of the cabin, 
which was partially covered by a make-shift partition. I could see the 
head of the young boy. He was lying on the kitchen table. A woman was 
slowly running a wet comb through his blonde hair. 

Neil took a step but Bonnie's father placed a hand on his chest, "T'aint 
no use, Doc. He's gone. A rattlin' started up in 'is lungs after Chester 
went ta fetch ya. Then his lips turnt blue 'n he was gone."

Chester darted toward Ray Gene. He fell to his knees, stroked the boys 
hair, and sobbed, "No! No, Ray Gene! Ye cain't be gone!" Chester then 
lowered his head and sobbed quietly. More wails could be heard from the 
women in the doorway.

Before Bonnie's father could say more, Neil quickly put his things back 
into his medical bag and angrily darted out the door.

Part IV

Neil's behavior puzzled and stunned me. All eyes were cast in my 
direction. I stood frozen for a moment, then stammered, "I'm..so sorry." 
What more could I say? I then rushed out the door after Neil.

Neil was many yards through the woods, and in my wet, muddy dress, I had 
a difficult time catching up with him. I breathlessly shouted out to 
him, "Dr. MacNeill! Wait! Dr. MacNeill!" Neil continued on at a quick 
pace.  A few light raindrops fell upon me. I thought they were just 
remnants of the last shower falling from the leaves overhead. But then, 
moments later, a steady gentle rain began. I  had enough; enough of the 
rain, enough of my exhaustion, enough of Dr. MacNeill's distant, cool 
behavior. Tired of chasing him, I stopped, and with a quiet desperation 
in my voice, spoke out one last time, "Neil....please."

He stopped, and slowly turned to me. Even at a distance, I could see the 
pain and anger in his eyes. I slowly walked to him, and as I neared, his 
gaze left mine. It broke my heart to see such pain. What he must endure 
as the only physician for miles around! His eyes remained locked on the 
silver lighter fumbling in his hands. I gently placed my hands on top of 
his and whispered, "What is it, Neil? Please, let me help you."

Neil looked directly into my eyes as if searching for something. 
Bitterly he replied, "You can't help me, Christy!"

"Maybe I can, if you'd just let me. I don't know what's wrong."

"You want to know what's wrong?" Neil's voice rose, "You can't see it 
all around you?? These people...their lives are in my hands, these 
hands," He pushed the palms of his hands toward me and startled me, "And 
I can't do it anymore! What good am I doing? Death comes and I'm 
powerless to stop it."

"Neil, you can't blame yourself for Bonnie and Ray Gene's deaths."

Neil curtly interrupted, "And why not? The boy drowned while in a coma! 
I wasn't there to help him or his mother. Don't you understand? I 
couldn't even save my own wife!"

That was it! Seeing Bonnie and her child on their deathbed must have 
triggered these horrid memories of Margaret's death. But Bonnie had 
passed on as we were on our way from Cutter Gap, yet Neil's strange 
behavior began before we left. Suddenly it dawned on me. This was March. 
Margaret had passed away sometime in March!

I continued to speak softly, hoping it would comfort him, "Those papers, 
the ones you were looking at in the kitchen at the mission, those were 
Margaret's and your son's death certificates?" Neil solemnly nodded, 
then I continued, "How long will you beat yourself up over things you 
have no control over? God....."

"Don't speak to me of God! He has no hand in my life and never has. 
Margaret's death was my fault. I should have been there to warn her 
about drinking that water, but I was too busy tending for others to even 
care for my own wife. And because of that, I also lost my son!"

"You are not to blame!" My voice rose in desperation. How could I make 
him understand that he is only human? It was in God's hand. We can't 
turn back the hands of time and he needed to move on. "Miss 
Alice.....achoo!...Miss Alice doesn't blame.....achoo!.....you. You have 
to stop blaming....achoo!....yourself."

Neil began to vigorously rub my arms. His tone softened as he said, 
"You're soaked. You'll catch your death from cold if we don't get out of 
this rain." Neil looked around, getting his bearings, "There's an empty 
cabin not far from here. We'll go there until the rain stops."

"No." I demanded. I could be an equally stubborn Scot and this time I 
was letting it show, "I'm not taking another step until we settle this. 
You have to stop blaming yourself for Margaret's death or anyone else's 
for that matter. Tell me. Tell me you won't blame yourself for any more 
deaths." I grabbed his shoulders and gave them a shake as I looked 
intently into his eyes, "Tell me, Neil! I want to hear you say 
Margaret's death was beyond your control."

A thick silence filled the air as we stared at one another and I waited 
for his reply. But none came. He was more stubborn than I, I had to give 
him that much. My hands dropped to my sides but I continued to stare 
into his eyes, "Have it your way then, but I don't know that I can 
continue to stand by and watch you torture yourself like this." Having 
said this, I stepped aside and walked away.

Neil turned to me and spoke as I continued on, "What do you mean by 
that? Christy!" He shouted out to me as I weaved my way through the 
trees, "Christy, where are you going? You don't know the way."

"I can find my way!" I stubbornly replied. I reached out for a tree limb 
to help steady myself as I made my way up a small muddy hill, "I'm not 
as helpless as you may think, Doctor!"

The next few seconds passed by in slow motion, as if I was watching a 
nickelodeon show, cranking the handle slowly. I placed my foot on a 
rock, but it slipped out from under me. I held tightly to the tree limb, 
but it was small and snapped from the tree. Slowly, I could see the 
ground rising to me. And then a pain like no other sharply pierced my 
head. Everything was a blur. Neil shouted out to me, but he sounded so 
far away. How did he get to me so quickly? My body rose from the ground. 
The trees rushed past quickly. Then the light was swallowed into 
darkness.

**********************************************************************
Summary: Christy awakens in a strange place, in the presence of a 
stranger.

Part V

My head pounded. I suppose it was the smell of potatoes frying on the 
stove, but as soon as I opened my eyes, I leaned over the side of the 
bed and vomited into a bucket. Immediately, a strong arm was around my 
waist and a gentle hand stroked my hair. A deep, soothing voice 
whispered, "It's alright, Christy. It's perfectly normal. Get it all 
out. There, you'll be fine now."

I didn't recognize this voice and for a moment, I was frightened. But, 
from his gentle manner and comforting voice, I sensed he didn't intend 
on hurting me. I wiped my mouth and laid back on the pillow.

The man sat in a chair next to the bed, reached for the lantern and held 
it close to my eyes. He lifted one eyelid and then the other. He asked, 
"How are you feeling? Nauseous? Do you have a headache?"

I nodded to these questions. Perhaps this man was a doctor? He didn't 
look like a doctor. He looked too rugged. His hair was unruly. And it 
looked like he hadn't shaved in a day or two.

He continued, "As I said, that's perfectly normal after such trauma. But 
I think you'll be okay."

"What happened?" I had to ask. What trauma was he talking about?

"You don't remember?" His hazel eyes widened then filled with concern. 
"What 'do' you remember? Do you know your name?"

"Of course. It's Christy. Christy Huddleston." I replied confidently.

"And who am I?" He asked.

This one baffled me. "You're....you're....a physician?"

A small 'oh no' escaped from his mouth as he ran his large hands down 
his face. This worried me, "What is it?"

The man then covered my hand in his and spoke to me as if he had bad 
news, "Yes, I am a physician, and your friend. I need you to tell me 
what you do remember. It's very important."

"I remember the hotel in Montreat. My family goes there every year. This 
year, we were going to hear an oratory by a Dr. Ferrand."

The man listened intently, "I see. And what year is this?"

"1911." I replied. But by the look on the man's face, I could sense I 
was incorrect. My anxiety rose. I sat up and leaned toward the man, and 
pleaded, "I'm wrong, aren't I? Tell me what's happened. Where am I? 
Something's wrong."

"Shh," the gentle man tried to calm me, "I'll tell you everything but 
you must lie back. Don't get upset. Everything will be fine." He slowly 
began the story, "I'm Dr. MacNeill....Neil. And I've been your friend 
for over a year now. This isn't 1911. It's 1913. You did go with your 
parents to Montreat and you did hear Dr. Ferrand speak. After that, you 
volunteered your services as a teacher at the Mission in Cutter Gap, 
Tennessee. This is where you live now, in Cutter Gap. My medical 
services were needed in Lyleton and you agreed to go with me. Yesterday, 
as we were leaving, you lost your footing, fell on a rock, and hit your 
head. This cabin was the closest shelter, so I brought you here."

I closed my eyes and shook my head, "I don't remember any of that. This 
is unbelievable."

"You have what's called amnesia. The trauma to your head has caused your 
memory loss, but I assure you, it's only temporary."

"How do you know? What makes you so sure? What happens if I never 
remember?" The thought of losing two years of my life worried me.

The doctor pressed my shoulders back against the pillow, and smiled, 
"You remember your name and your life before you arrived in Cutter Gap. 
These are all good signs. Over the next few days, you'll remember more 
and more. It just takes a little time."

"But what if......"

"No what ifs. You need to trust me." Funny, but I did trust him. He 
tucked the blanket into my sides, "Now as your physician, and your 
friend," He stressed the word 'friend', "I insist you try to get some 
more rest. We'll talk later."

I couldn't argue with him. My head was still pounding and the thought of 
sleep was comforting, an escape from my current reality. The handsome, 
rugged doctor remained by my side until I was asleep.


**********************************************************************
Summary: Neil tells Christy about her life in Cutter Gap.

Part VI

I awoke some time later. The doctor was at my bedside, reading a book. 
He closed it and smiled at me, "Feeling a little better now?"

"I think so." I noticed it was dark outside, "What time is it?"

The doctor glanced at his pocket watch and replied, "A little past ten. 
Are you hungry?"

"No. No, thank you." The thought of food was not appealing.

"Well, maybe you'll be ready to eat in the morning. How about some 
water?" He thrust a cool glass into my hand. It looked as if I had no 
choice. I took a few small sips then handed it back to him, "That's 
better. We don't want to have to worry about dehydration setting in." I 
had no reply. The words he had spoken to me earlier in the day were 
swimming in my head. I could think of nothing else. He must have seen 
this on my face, "You know, if you have any questions, I'd be happy to 
answer them for you."

"I don't think anyone could answer all the questions I have. Could you 
imagine, waking up to find two years of your life erased from your 
memory?"

"Not erased, just temporarily misplaced." He put his gentle hand on 
mine. The warmth of his hand sent a tingle through me. Why? He 
continued, "And, no, I couldn't imagine. I'm sure it's frightening but 
you have to be brave and know that it 'is' just temporary."

I believed him. His words were comforting. He had such a gentle smile 
yet his presence was so strong. His strength enveloped the room. I 
finally asked him to tell me about my life in Cutter Gap, my friends, 
the children I taught. I wanted to know everything. For hours, I 
listened to his stories about Miss Alice, Ruby Mae, Fairlight, the 
children, and the hardships. They were fascinating stories, but that's 
all they were to me, stories of someone else's life. It was hard to 
imagine myself being strong enough to live around such despair. Where 
did I find the strength? I could imagine it was only my faith in God 
that kept me in Cutter Gap over this past year. But then Dr. MacNeill 
spoke of David. His voice took on a noticeably different tone, but I 
couldn't place what had caused it. He didn't speak as highly of David as 
he had the others, but then, he said that David and I had been engaged. 
This was a curiosity to me. I would never give my heart to any man as 
undeserving as Dr. MacNeill had made him seem. David 'must' have had 
some redeeming qualities or I wouldn't have loved him, but Dr. MacNeill 
rarely mentioned any unless I specifically asked. And what of our 
engagement? I had to know what happened.

"A short time ago, you changed your mind." Dr. MacNeill seemed vague.

"But why would I change my mind? What happened?" Curiosity ate away at 
me.

Dr. MacNeill thought for a moment, then half smiled, "Christy, things 
happen to change a woman's mind. It's too complicated to go into and 
it's getting very late." He stood, stretched and looked at his watch, 
"It's past 2:00 a.m. We can continue this after we've had some sleep."

I had to smile, "You're evading the question, Dr. MacNeill."

He chuckled, "And you're very perceptive, Miss Huddleston." How he 
switched to my proper name was endearing, "Get some sleep. We can talk 
more tomorrow."

Dr. MacNeill then placed the lamp on the end table next to the small, 
musty sofa, laid down and tucked a pillow under his head. I folded my 
arms across my chest, pretending to be upset at how quickly our 
conversation ended, but I smiled. Dr. MacNeill also smiled and 
whispered, "Good night, Miss Huddleston." 

I replied, "Good night, Dr. MacNeill. I do expect an answer in the 
morning."

He chuckled again then turned down the light. 

**********************************************************************
Summary: Neil and Christy walk and talk.


Part VII

I awoke before Dr. MacNeill. He was sleeping quite heavily and I 
couldn't bear the thought of waking him. He had taken such good care of 
me. I thought it only right to allow him to sleep. 

The sun was just beginning to peek from behind the mountains when I 
decided to get out of bed. I pulled the coverlet off of me, then 
realizing I was only dressed in my underclothes, I quickly put the cover 
back on. I know it seemed silly, after all Dr. MacNeill was a doctor and 
had taken care of me, but still, the thought of standing in front of a 
strange man while I was only half dressed bothered me. Making sure he 
was still asleep, I quickly fastened the coverlet to the bedpost, and 
found a nail on the adjacent wall where I fastened another corner of the 
bedspread. I searched for my clothes, but the only visible garment was a 
damp, muddy, heavy dress. It would not do. As luck would have it, I 
recognized the valise under the table next to my bed. Inside where all 
my familiar dresses, the same ones I had worn in Asheville!

I dressed quickly but quietly, taking a moment here and there to sit on 
the bed. I felt slightly weak and dizzy, but if I had bumped my head as 
Dr. MacNeill said, these symptoms were very normal. I removed my 
makeshift dressing curtain and folded it neatly on the bed. I took the 
brush and a small mirror from my satchel and sat on the bed. I was taken 
aback by my appearance in the mirror! Above my left eyebrow was a large 
black and blue bruise. It was swollen and looked horrible. I winced as I 
pressed on it and realized it 'was' as painful as it looked.

"A half an inch lower and you might have lost your sight in that eye." 
His baritone voice jolted through the silence. It caused me to jump and 
catch my breath. When he saw my fear, he sprang from the sofa and 
crouched down in front of me, "I'm so sorry, Christy. I didn't mean to 
frighten you."

I smiled nervously, "I hadn't noticed you were awake yet, that's all."

"No, that's not all. I have to remember that you don't know me and you 
must not feel very comfortable around me." Dr. MacNeill was very 
observant. I could feel heat rising up in my cheeks and surely Dr. 
MacNeill could see my cheeks blushing, but he kindly ignored it as he 
stood and placed his hand on my chin, lifting my face into the light, 
"Let me take a look at that shiner. Mmm, yes, it's a beauty. But not to 
worry, it'll be gone within a week." He placed his hands on his hips and 
smiled down at me. He was a broad, towering man, with muscles unlike any 
doctor I've known. "You 'must' be hungry. Let's see what you've brought 
in this sack." He strode across the room and emptied the contents of the 
sack across the kitchen table. "A few apples, potatoes, bread. A-ha." He 
snapped his finger and opened a cupboard, where he pulled out a dusty 
jar, "Bread and apple butter. Not the warm, hearty breakfast I would 
prescribe but it will fill your stomach."

Dr. MacNeill and I sat together and dined on our bread and apple butter 
breakfast. Afterwards, I stepped outside onto the porch as he changed 
clothes, the same he had worn and slept in yesterday. It was a 
beautiful, sunny morning but the ground was muddy and the leaves beaded 
from moisture. As Dr. MacNeill joined me on the porch, I commented, 
"It's rained alot."

"Alot is an understatement," He replied, "We've had few days without 
rain this March. The flooding has been devastating....and deadly. This 
is why we came to Lyleton."

"To escape the flooding?" I asked.

"No, no. To help victims of the flooding." He replied.

"Oh, I see." But I wasn't sure I did, afterall, I never had any medical 
training, unless I learned it during my stay in Cutter Gap, "Well, I 
hope we were able to help."

Dr. MacNeill's face turned somber, "We did all that we could."

I sensed this was a good time to change the subject, "The countryside is 
beautiful. Would you care to take a walk with me, Dr. MacNeill."

"I think a walk is a good idea, but...." He wagged his finger at me and 
spoke in a serious manner, "Only if you take my arm and we make it a 
short walk. I can't allow my best patient to get too tired."

"As you say, Doctor." I smiled, took his arm, and we slowly made our way 
through the woods near the cabin, "So, Dr. MacNeill, tell me more about 
my engagement to....David."

He threw his head back and laughed uproariously, "You never give up, do 
you?"

I smiled, "I like to call it tenacity, Doctor. So, are you going to tell 
me or not?"

Dr. MacNeill pretended to take a moment to think about his response, 
then leaned into me as he shortly replied, "Not."

"No? That's it? No hint, no anything?" Dr. MacNeill smiled but shook his 
head as he remained silent on the subject. I continued, "What about you? 
You never told me anything about you."

"What would you like to know?"

"Anything. You said you and I are friends."

"Yes, we are." He replied.

"Are we good friends or mere acquaintances?"

At this question, Dr. MacNeill stopped, turned to me, and looked deeply 
into my blue eyes, "I've never told you this, Christy, but you are my 
best friend."

This statement flattered me, and flustered me. I was left speechless.

"You look surprised," Dr. MacNeill stated, "Maybe I've said too much."

"No, no, not at all. I guess I'm just surprised. It seems silly. I feel 
like I hardly know you, yet we are so close."

"Well," Dr. MacNeill seemed uneasy and quickly changed the subject, "We 
should get back. You need your rest. Tomorrow we can catch the train in 
Lyleton and get home to Cutter Gap."

"No!" My body instantly began to tremble and I felt weak in the knees. 
It was a strange reaction but I felt so strongly about it. Almost 
uncontrollably, I spoke in a nervous, rapid tone, "No, I can't go back, 
not like this. I don't know anyone. I don't know what to do there. I 
can't go back." My throat tightened and thoughts in my head began to 
whirl in a jumbled spin. Dr. MacNeill took me in his strong embrace and 
rocked me gently, "Please," I whispered, "Just a few more days." I 
closed my eyes and felt an unexplainable security in his arms, so much 
so that I returned the embrace, "I need just a few more days."

Dr. MacNeill stroked my hair and spoke softly, "Shh. Whatever you want, 
Christy." He then kissed the top of my head and held me for a moment 
longer.

Neither of us spoke as I remained in his embrace, and he guided me back 
to the cabin.

**********************************************************************
Summary: Christy misses home, and remembers a little.

Part VIII

I was physically and emotionally fatigued after our short jaunt. I 
slipped off my boots and curled up on the bed. Dr. MacNeill spread the 
coverlet over me then walked to the front door. Before he stepped 
outside, I called out to him, "Dr. MacNeill."

"Yes, Christy." He stopped in the doorway.

"You won't go far?"

He replied, "I'll be right outside." then quietly shut the door behind 
him.

I laid there with my eyes wide open. I tried to remember Cutter Gap, my 
friendships, what my life must be like there. But I could only think 
about home, how much I missed Asheville, Mother, Father, and George. 
Except for Dr. MacNeill, I felt so alone, so far from home and the life 
I knew. Dr.MacNeill was the only link to my present. He was so kind and 
patient. But it was all so overwhelming. Tears began to drip onto my 
pillow, then my heavy eyelids closed, and I drifted off into a deep 
sleep.

I awoke shortly after noon. Alone in the cabin, I walked to the window 
and peered outside. Dr. MacNeill was off in the distance, but through 
the trees I could see he was speaking to a man on a horse. The man 
handed Dr. MacNeill a sack, shook his hand, then rode off. Dr. MacNeill 
walked toward the cabin.  I quickly ran a brush through my hair, then 
waited for him on the porch.

"Did you have a good rest?" He asked as he walked past me, into the 
cabin, and put the sack on the table.

I followed, "Yes, I think it did some good."

"How about some lunch?" He asked as he pulled a slab of bacon and a few 
eggs from the sack.

"No thank you." The thought of food still turned my stomach.

Dr. MacNeill stopped and looked at me, "You have to eat something."

"Maybe just a few slices of bread." I replied, then seated myself at the 
table.

He nodded, as if he understood that I was not quite ready for anything 
heavy, but his brow furrowed in concern.

"Who was that man?" I asked.

"Thomas Banks. He lost his daughter and two grandchildren 
yesterday....because of the flood." Dr. MacNeill cracked an egg with one 
hand then tossed the empty shell into a bucket. I couldn't recall ever 
seeing a man cook so well. Dr. MacNeill continued, "He saw us out 
earlier and brought these eggs and bacon as a token of his appreciation 
for our help. I explained that you had an accident yesterday, and that's 
why we are staying on, until you recouperate." 

"Poor Chester." I mumbled.

Dr. MacNeill stopped and turned to me, listening intently, "What did you 
say?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about Chester. I got the impression that Bonnie 
was his only sister." I said it so nonchalantly but suddenly I realized 
what had happened, "Oh my gosh! I remember Chester."

Dr. MacNeill smiled, "What else do you remember?"

I thought long and hard, "I remember Bonnie and her child, laying on 
their deathbed, and Ray.....Gene?" Dr. MacNeill nodded so I continued, 
"Ray Gene had passed on also. We were standing in a cabin. There were 
lots of people there. But that's all I remember, just that little 
piece."

"Can you tell me something about Cutter Gap?" He asked.

"No.......that's all I remember." It was disheartening.

"It's coming back. Don't worry. You'll remember more and more as time 
goes on."

He was right. Later that evening, just before sunset, as I watched Dr. 
MacNeill fish in the swollen stream, I sat under a tree and watched him. 
Pictures of his angry face flashed through my mind, but it didn't 
frighten me. It heightened my sense of curiosity about this man. Bits of 
pictures kept coming, but no sound. Finally, I commented to him, "You 
were angry with me."

He stopped his pole in midair then continued to fish, and replied 
without looking toward me, "No, I wasn't angry at you."

"But you were upset?" I asked.

"Yes, at myself." He slowly waded to shore, propped his pole against the 
tree, then seated himself beside me.

I closed my eyes then commented, "You are a good Doctor."

"Sometimes I don't think so." He leaned against the tree and let out a 
small, almost inaudible sigh.

Small  pieces of this conversation were returning, "You blame yourself 
for death, that's it, isn't it?"

"No, I know death is inevitable. But sometimes I wonder if I'm making a 
difference in anyone's lives."

I placed my hand in his and replied, "You've all ready made a difference 
in mine. In my heart, I know you're a good doctor. I don't remember it 
exactly, but it must be true. I know it in my soul."

Dr. MacNeill lightly kissed my hand and softly smiled at me, "You never 
fail me, Miss Huddleston."

Moments later, the dusk sky filled with colors more radiant than any I 
had seen.

**********************************************************************
Summary: Christy and Neil receive an unexpected visitor.

Part IX

Thunder crashed around me; lightning struck a tree not far from me, and 
I was scared, more scared than I had been in a long time. But something 
urged me on. This was important. Somebody needed my help, but who? I ran 
into the cabin and felt my way around, until I came to the locked door. 
I saw the lifeless baby lying there, looking so pale. I placed the red 
ribbon around her tiny head. A man grabbed the sheet and fell to the 
ground. He was dying. He needed my help. The stench was overwhelming. 
I'm so glad she left the door open. How could anyone live like this? 
Something, or somebody was out there. I'm so scared. The school! Don't 
cover my mouth! 

I screamed out, "Somebody help meeeeeeeee!" 

Breathing heavily, I opened my eyes. I was sitting up in bed. Dr. 
MacNeill was shaking my shoulders, "Christy! Wake up! Christy!"

I let out a deep breath and fell onto his shoulder, "Thank God," I 
managed to say between breaths, "It was just a dream."

Dr. MacNeill gently pulled me from him and brushed back the damp strands 
of hair clinging to my forehead, "Can you tell me about it?"

Before I could utter a word, the front door burst open. There stood a 
tall young man with dark hair. He looked angry as he glanced at me then 
at Dr. MacNeill. The young man darted toward Dr. MacNeill, and shouted, 
"What have you done to her?!"

Dr. MacNeill sprang from his seat on the bed and met the young man 
halfway. As they collided, I let out a scream. Dr. MacNeill pushed the 
young man towards the front door, all the while shouting, "Get out! Get 
out!" He slammed the door behind them.

Worried about Dr. MacNeill's safety, I rushed to the window. Dr. 
MacNeill physically forced the man away, out of my earshot, but I could 
still see them. The young man was shouting at Dr. MacNeill, but as 
Dr.MacNeill shouted over him, the expression on the young man's face 
softened slowly.  Dr. MacNeill continued to look angry as he pointed at 
the cabin then poked at the young man's chest. The two men then walked 
back towards the cabin. The young man was coming up the steps! Quickly, 
I darted toward the opposite end of the kitchen table. He opened the 
door and held his hat in his hand. Dr. MacNeill was right behind him.

"Christy." The young man stepped forward but I stepped back, "Dr. 
MacNeill told me what happened. I rode all night trying to find you." He 
stepped forward again and I stepped back. I could feel the walls on both 
sides of me. I was cornered. Dr. MacNeill placed a hand on his chest and 
glared at him sternly. The young man continued, "Christy. It's me. 
David."

I felt my mouth open but nothing came out. Then I managed to stutter, 
"I....I'm...sorry. I don't know....." Tears began to well up in my eyes.

Dr. MacNeill spoke quietly to the young man as he pushed him toward the 
door, "Enough. You're scaring her." The young man's gaze never left me. 
Dr. MacNeill stated firmly, "Go home, David. She's not ready for this 
yet." With his large arms folded firmly across his chest, Dr. MacNeill 
stood on the edge of the porch and watched the young man mount his horse 
and ride away. As Dr. MacNeill entered the cabin, tears streamed down my 
cheeks. I felt my body begin to slide down the corner of the wall. Dr. 
MacNeill rushed to me, and before I fell to the floor, gently placed me 
in a chair. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and apologized, "I'm sorry. 
I'm so embarrassed." I couldn't look at the doctor, "I....he...he just 
looked so angry when he came in the door. I thought he was going to hurt 
me," I paused and took a breath, "Or you. My gosh! I didn't know it was 
David! I still don't remember."

"David wouldn't hurt you." Dr. MacNeill spoke calmly. He poured me a 
glass of water from the pitcher then placed it in my trembling hands, 
"But it was wrong of him to burst in here like that. He shouldn't have 
frightened you, but he didn't realize...." His voice trailed off without 
finishing the sentence.

"He didn't realize that I don't remember him. I might 'never' remember 
him!"

Dr. MacNeill squeezed my hands in his, looked into my eyes and spoke 
with great conviction, "Don't lose hope, Christy. It's been only two 
days since your accident. These things take time. Don't give up."

"But how much time, Doctor?" I pleaded. I needed to know.

His head slightly dropped as he looked away from me, then spoke 
solemnly, "If your memory doesn't return within a few more days, it 
means there has been permanent damage to your brain. A permament loss of 
these past two years."

So shocked at this news, a quick gasp of air caught in my throat. I held 
my trembling fingers to my lips, and tears flowed again. Dr. MacNeill 
took me in his arms. I cried into his chest as he whispered, "Don't lose 
hope."
**********************************************************************
Summary: Christy and Neil have an argument.

Part X

Just after lunch, I sat on the porch and watched Dr. MacNeill pull roots 
from a shady area of the woods. As I twirled a shiny, red apple in my 
hand, I could hear his voice in my head, "What modern medicine can't 
supply, nature can. Remember this, Christy.......Will you miss 
me?.......What do 'you' believe?.....I couldn't even save my own wife." 

"Are you going to eat that apple or stare it to death?" Dr. MacNeill's 
voice startled me back to the present. I must have given him an odd look 
for he then pointed to the apple and replied, "You've been staring at it 
for the last ten minutes. Is something on your mind?" He took a seat in 
the rocker next to mine.

"I remember that you mentioned your wife. She's deceased?"

Dr. MacNeill slowly took the apple from my hand and began to peel it 
into one long, thin peel. Focused on the apple, he replied, "Yes, she 
is." He continued to peel the apple and offered no more information.

"Will you tell me about her?" I asked.

"I'd rather not. I've put that part of my life behind me."

"I don't think you have." I commented, "I remember the anguished look on 
your face when you saw Bonnie."

"Death isn't pretty, Christy." He interrupted.

"I know, Doctor, but I don't understand why you'd want to forget about 
such an important part of your life."

"Who said I 'can' forget?" He sounded agitated and spoke pointedly, 
"Everytime I hear a young woman's last breath escape from her body, I 
relive the same agony I felt the night Margaret died. As hard as I try, 
I can't forget it, or escape it, so I have to live with it.....every 
day. But it's something you'll never understand."

An uncomfortable silence fell between us. I felt terrible for broaching 
the subject. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't realize....."

He placed the perfectly peeled apple in my hand, and tried to comfort me 
with a small smile, "I know. You couldn't have known." He then took his 
sack and returned to pulling roots.

Minutes later, Dr. MacNeill caught me inside the cabin, filling my 
satchel. He placed his sack on the kitchen table, stopped, then warily 
asked, "What are you doing?"

"Packing. It's time to go home." I stuffed my clothes into the satchel 
and struggled to close it.

Dr. MacNeill quietly walked to me and placed his hand atop of my 
fumbling hands. He then took the satchel and easily snapped it shut, 
"You're not ready to go home."

I couldn't look at him, "That may be true, but you are. Who knows," I 
shrugged my shoulders and tried to sound confident, "Maybe when I get 
there, it will all come rushing back to me."

He spoke softly, "That's not how it works, Christy. You didn't even 
remember David. No. I can't take you back, not yet." He placed the 
satchel on the floor.

I picked it up and glared at him, "This is not your decision, Doctor."

He took the satchel from me and glared back,  "I say it is. As your 
physician, 'I" know what's best for you, and I say it's not time to go 
yet."

I snatched the satchel from his grasp and held eye contact, "I'm a grown 
woman and think I can decide what's best for me. Besides, I wasn't 
thinking of 'me'. I was thinking of 'you'!"

"Oh?!" His hazel eyes widened as he yanked on the satchel, but I held 
tight. He continued, "I suppose you think you ruffled me out there."

"Yes, I do, and I'm sorry for that!" It didn't sound like much of an 
apology. My voice bordered on a stubborn shout, "What happens if I say 
something inappropriate again? I can't remember what we do and don't 
discuss!"

Dr. MacNeill pulled the satchel from my grasp and dropped it to the 
floor. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned slightly forward, 
"Don't concern yourself with that, Miss Huddleston. I'm a big boy and 
can handle anything you throw at me. Surely you don't think this is the 
first time you've wanted to continue a discussion that I wanted to end!"

"I....I..." I was flustered. It was true, he really did know me well! 
Not knowing what to say next, I spun on my heels and headed toward the 
door, "Fine! I'll stay. But not because you convinced me!"

"Good!" He shouted back, trying to suppress a smile.

"Good!" I had to get the last word before I slammed the door. Seconds 
later, after I had seated myself in the rocker, I peeked in the window 
and saw Dr. MacNeill sitting at the table, pulling apart the roots, and 
smiling. I had to smile, too.

**********************************************************************
Summary: Christy's memory returns. 

Part XI

That evening, Doctor MacNeill entertained me by reading aloud from one 
of the books he had brought along, "The Collective Works of Robert 
Frost". When he began a poem I had memorized, I would chime in. Halfway 
through "Nothing Gold Can Stay" a ringing began in my ears. It was 
annoying at first, but it slowly amplified until Dr. MacNeill's normal 
speaking voice sounded like a whisper. Then as suddenly as the ringing 
began, it stopped, replaced by a throbbing headache and nausea.

Dr. MacNeill looked up from the book and commented, "You look pale." 
Then placed his hand over my forehead, "Are you not feeling well?"

Ever the observant doctor. But I wasn't in the mood to be poked and 
prodded, so....I lied, "I'm just a little tired. I think I'll turn in 
now." I carefully made my way to the bed, took off my boots, and still 
in my clothes, curled up under the blanket. Sitting at the end of the 
sofa, Dr. MacNeill closed his book and turned down the light, but he 
didn't prepare to sleep. With only the moon's glow to light the room, he 
sat up and watched me, occasionally his brow would furrow as if he was 
concerned. After an hour of sporadic tossing and turning, I felt sleep 
drawing near. Before I succumbed, I managed to whisper, "Goodnight, Dr. 
MacNeill." I then drifted of to sleep.

The following morning, I slowly opened my eyes and realized I had slept 
in late. The bright sun boldy lit the cabin. It had to be past 9:00 a.m. 
I jolted upright in the bed and, without thinking, said, "I'm late for 
school!" But looking around, I remembered that I wasn't home, in my bed, 
at the mission. The mission! Miss Alice! Ruby Mae! I remembered! It was 
coming back to me! Dr. MacNeill, where was Dr. MacNeill?? Through a slit 
in the curtain, I could see the rocking chair slowly rocking back and 
forth, back and forth, then Dr. MacNeill's pipe in his hand. I quickly 
dressed then darted out the front door, giving Dr. MacNeill such a 
fright that he jumped.

"Dr. MacNeill," I excitedly grabbed his shoulders, "I remember! It's all 
coming back to me! I remember my room, and the mission, and Miss Alice," 
I began to pace across the porch as I prattled on, "And Ruby Mae. She's 
such a chatterer but, oh, I'm so envious of her long red hair. And the 
children, I can see their faces. M-Mountie, with those big blue adoring 
eyes!" Dr. MacNeill leaned back in the rocker and continued to slowly 
sway as he watched me, "And Becky O'Teale, with her new glasses. Do you 
know what this means, Doctor?? We can go home! I have so much to do, so 
much to prepare for! The children will be returning to school now that 
the rain has ended." I realized I was going on and on, and Dr. MacNeill 
had not said a word, "Don't you have anything to say?"

He rose from the chair, walked to me, and placed a soft kiss on my 
forehead. Looking into my eyes, he spoke softly, "It's nice to have you 
back." His warm lips sent a tingle coursing through my body.

After breakfast, we headed off toward Lyleton. Along the way, I rattled 
on and on, excited to have my memory, my life, back. Dr. MacNeill smiled 
and patiently listened, every now and then he would chuckle. We boarded 
the train in Lyleton and were seated together across from an elderly 
married couple. I noticed they were holding hands. As the train pulled 
out of the station, I turned to Dr. MacNeill and whispered, "By the way, 
Neil," A gentle smile showed that he was pleasantly surprised that I 
used his given name. I leaned in closer and continued, "I also remember 
why I returned David's ring."

"Oh? Why did you?" He asked sincerely, as if he truly didn't know.

I placed my hand in his and gave a light squeeze. Smiling, I replied, 
"Because you are my best friend, too."

THE END