Title: Finding a Place to Call Home Author: Karen ____________________________________________ Disclaimer: The story of "Christy" belongs to the LeSourd family. I am not writing this story for any profit. _____________________________________________ Note: This story picks up where "The Road Home" left off. _____________________________________________ Part 1 Neil rode back into the woods, after watching Christy’s look of anquish when David proposed to her. His heart was pounding in anger and confusion. Margaret waited for him back at his cabin, saying she wanted to come home. Part of him wanted to throw her bodily out of the cabin. Come home, indeed! She gave up the right to call it home a long time ago. Yet, she was still his wife. Whether or not she had honored her marriage vows, he still took them seriously. He may have strayed in his heart somewhat in his feelings for Christy, but those had begun before he knew Margaret was still alive. That thought brought back the pain and rage he had experienced upon discovering her ultimate betrayal, faking her own death. Could there ever be anything between him and Margaret that didn’t involve anger and pain? And now there was the pain of knowing that he could never have the relationship with Christy he had once hoped was possible. Margaret had destroyed that possibility with her return. Christy deserved better than the hopeless affections of a married man. Whether or not David Grantland deserved a woman like Christy, he didn’t even want to think about. Christy certainly deserved to marry a man with whom she was in love, and Neil simply did not believe she was in love with David. He had to put Christy out of his mind and out of his heart. Right now he had to decide what to do about Margaret. He kept riding, being careful to watch his steps, and not be blinded by the raging emotions to the point he lost his footing. He chose a familiar path, one that he and his horse knew by heart, one not too steep or uneven. Finally, he reached a spot he loved, a quiet place in the woods near the river with a view of the mountains that never ceased to calm his raging emotions. He dismounted and tied his horse to a tree near the river so the horse could drink. Neil walked along the river, listening to the lightly rushing water, feeling the peace that came with its sound. He had always loved that sound. After walking a short distance, he sat down by the river, looked into the water, then up to the mountains. He closed his eyes, put his head in his hands, and began to cry. “Oh, Margaret, Margaret, how can you still do this to me, woman, after all we’ve been through? How can you make my heart feel like it’s being torn to shreds at the same time you fill me with the same desire I've always had for you?” His mind flashed back to those days in Philadelphia, near the end of his residency, when his life was like a dream, filled with the euphoria of new love and passion, knowing there was a woman as beautiful and intelligent as Margaret Henderson who actually seemed to feel the same way about him. Their days of courtship flashed by in a quick succession of images, culminating in their quick elopement and wedding night. He had never felt so alive, so complete, as that night when they finally joined together as husband and wife in the total fulfillment of their love. For all the sophisticated airs they both exhibited, this was the first time for both of them, and yet it seemed as if they had always belonged in each others’ arms. “Oh, my darling Margaret, how I loved you! Did a man ever love a woman as much as I loved you? And you loved me, too! I know you did! So what went so very wrong?” Neil continued to sob uncontrollably, feeling ashamed for doing so. But there was no one to hear except the trees and the mountains and the river and the animals, and......God? He wished he could be like most of the people of the cove who just accepted that there was a god who loved them and cared for them enough to intervene in their lives. It certainly would be a comfort to have a god like that now to turn to in such a time of turmoil. But he couldn’t pretend he didn’t have a brain that saw that religion was just wish-fulfillment, and the world was just a random creation, full of cruel arbitrary acts. He was a scientist, and he simply could not believe in such a fairy tale. Alice and Christy and David, and many of the people of Cutter Gap, might be intelligent and still believe in this god, but he couldn’t do it, and still be honest with himself. No, he was on his own. At least Margaret had never believed in that rubbish. How they had laughed together at all the foolishishness of those who put their faith in such superstition. Margaret and he had had an intellectual rapport that at one time he would not have believed possible to have with a woman. He abruptly arose from his sitting position and jumped up on his horse, suddenly eager to see Margaret, someone he could count on at least to not believe in that mythical nonsense. It might be the slimmest of threads upon which to build a reconciliation, but he knew now he needed to be with Margaret if she wanted him. All their many problems and differences vanished from his mind. He rode back to his cabin, and back to his wife. Part 2 Margaret paced around the cabin, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Her mind was reeling from the tumultrous events of the day. Mac had ridden after Christy, when she had lied to him, saying Christy was going to marry the preacher. Did Neil love Christy more than he loved her? Did Mac love her at all anymore, after everything she had done to him? Yes, he did, she stubbornly insisted to herself. She had seen it in his eyes, despite his powerful rage. Nevertheless, she knew that love had not been enough to make them happy together, and she had run off to save her sanity. Why did she even want him back? Getting back together with Mac, if that was even an option, meant rotting in this isolated backwoods full of ignorant hillbillies. Her love for Mac had not been strong enough before to overcome her distaste for this place and its people. And his work still consumed him. She had poked around the cabin and had seen his laboratory with research on that eye disease he was always so concerned about. That would mean even when he wasn't gone on a call for hours or days, when he was at home in the cabin, medicine would keep him from her. When she had lived here, his idea of doing research on trachoma had been only a dream. Now it was a reality. She wondered if perhaps he had thrown himself into the research in order to forget about her. Her vanity would like to think so, but knowing Mac, it was most likely simply his love of medicine itself. "Do I really want him back?" she asked herself over and over. The addition of lovely, earnest, young Christy Huddleston into the picture had changed everything for Margaret. It was one thing for her to be unfaithful to Mac. None of those men had meant anything to her. It was another thing entirely for him to be unfaithful to her, if only in his thoughts and feelings. Did she want him only because there was some real competition now? Or was there? Christy had all those noble Christian virtues that would almost certainly preclude any chance of her considering an involvement with a married man, no matter what Christy's feelings might be for him. There was also that handsome, young preacher who wanted to marry Christy. Surely he was far more suitable for a Christian girl her age than Mac, world-weary heathen that he was. Even if she were to leave and divorce Mac, or if the tuberculosis came back and she were to die, did Christy and Mac belong together? No matter how many times she had strayed, the thought of her Mac in the arms of another woman made her blood boil. Suddenly Margaret had a coughing fit. When it stopped, she checked to see if there was any blood on her handkerchief. There wasn't, and she felt the relief that always followed those spurts of fear that the tuberculosis had returned. But these cigarettes weren't helping any. Mac hated her to smoke anyway. If she wanted to be attractive to him, she needed to change her image. She took the bowl she had been using as an ashtray, and the remaining cigarettes she had and dumped the contents into the trash. She washed her face and hands, removing the make-up. She brushed her hair, gazing at her image in the mirror. She might be over 30, but she was still attractive. She could get Mac to see her that way again. She knew she could. "Margaret MacNeill," she tried saying out loud as she looked at her face in the mirror. "I am Margaret MacNeill. I am in my cabin, waiting for my husband to return home. This is where I belong." Her brave, defiant words did not ease the rippling fear in the pit of her stomach that it was too late to get her husband back. Realizing she was hungry, she went to the cupboard to check on the food. Suddenly an idea struck her. She could surprise Mac with a home-cooked meal, and show him that she still had a domestic side. How long had it been since she had cooked a real meal? She had never been very good at it. That didn't matter. She had to try. She found some potatoes and other vegetables, and decided to make a vegetable stew. There didn't seem to be any meat in the house. As she boiled water, and chopped the vegetables, she waited for her husband to return home. Part 3 Neil rode up to the cabin, and was alarmed to see smoke coming out of the windows. "Blast that woman, " he thought angrily, "she is burning down my house with her filthy cigarettes." But when he dismounted and ran into the cabin, he found a distraught Margaret crying over some very small and very black round objects she pulled from the oven while a pot of stew burned on his stove. Margaret cooking? A brief memory of the day when Christy had cooked him a meal and burned the chicken crossed his mind, but he quickly pushed it aside. He could not think of Christy now. Margaret was cooking! Neil had to smile. He couldn't help it. He saw now that the blackened balls were Margaret's attempt at biscuits. Part of him wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her as he had done so many times during their marriage when her sad attempts at cooking had turned into disasters. But things were different now. She could not just walk back into his life like she had never left. "Oh, Mac," she cried, "I so wanted to make you a nice meal, but you know how hopeless I am when it comes to cooking." "Margaret," he sighed. There was an awkward silence as he tried to choose his words carefully. "Did you think you could just come back here and be a good wife as if nothing had happened? What did you think cooking a meal would accomplish?" "I wanted to show you that I am still your wife. Do you want Christy, Mac? Is that why you won't take me back? Do you really want that naive little teacher more than I?" "I don't know what I want, Margaret, but Christy is not available to me whether or not she decides to marry David. I am a married man." "Then let me be your wife, Mac." Margaret was standing in front of him. She looked up into his face, her eyes pleading. "You know how good we can be together. I know I've done horrible things to you and to Mother, but I can change. I can be faithful. I can live in Cutter Gap. Please, Mac, I beg you! Give me another chance!" Neil turned away. Feeling like his knees would buckle, he sat down on a chair. He placed his hands on the sides of his head, which felt as if it were splitting apart. This whole experience had left him terribly drained. He couldn't think straight. This was all too much. Margaret was almost certainly trying to manipulate him for some selfish need of hers. She was probably frightened of being alone because of her illness. She had no money after her treatments. She also seemed quite preoccupied with his feelings for Christy, which meant that jealousy was a factor. He couldn't let himself succumb to her physical charms. He had been so sure he was completely past any feelings of that sort, but looking at her standing by the stove, the make-up gone, her shining black hair flowing down her shoulders, her beautiful blue eyes pleading with him, he felt his resistance weakening by the minute. Margaret walked over and stood behind the chair upon which Neil was sitting. She began to massage his temples. Her touch was like fire and a gentle, cool stream at the same time. She wrapped her arms around him from the back, and he turned around and pulled her onto his lap. They kissed hungrily, unable to get enough of each other after such a long time apart. Everything except awareness of Margaret left Neil's consciousness. Nothing else existed in the world except Margaret and him, clinging to each other. Fearing they would tumble from the chair, they went to the bed. His Margaret had come home. Nothing else mattered. He was lost in her arms. Part 4 Margaret awoke hours later, at first not certain where she was. It was dark, and she felt disoriented. Then she remembered. She was home! Mac lay sleeping beside her. Had it all really happened? She felt warm inside, remembering their time together. She did still love him. How could she have left? How could she have let those other men touch her? The very thought filled her with shame and disgust. She knew that one episode of love-making couldn't wipe away all the years of pain and betrayal. She would have to do everything in her power to make Mac forgive her fully. She got up and lit a lamp. She looked at his sleeping face, the curly, disheveled hair, the soft lines around his eyes and along his mouth. He managed to look like a mature man and a little boy at the same time. She was filled with a tenderness that she hadn't known she possessed. She touched his cheek, then bent down and kissed his forehead gently. He stirred in his sleep, opened his eyes, and looked surprised. Then he smiled, and reached out his arms to her. She sat down on the bed, but resisted the temptation to crawl back into his arms. "We need to talk, Mac," she said. He sleepily sat up and looked at her. She tried to read his face. Did she see fear? Desire? Joy? Pain? Confusion? She thought she could see all of those feelings, but she couldn't be certain. "What do you want to talk about, Margaret? You said you wanted to come home, and so you have. Obviously, I am not objecting to the idea." "Do you really want me to stay, or were you just carried away by the moment? I need to know. I wouldn't blame you if even now you threw me out the door." "We can't solve all of our problems at once. You can stay. You are my wife. This is your home." He looked tired. She didn't want to push him, but she had to know. "Do you still love me, Mac?" "How can you ask such a thing, woman, after what happened here today?" "I need to know if it's more than just a physical thing. Do you still love me totally, as your wife, and only me? Do you still have feelings for Christy?" "You ask too many questions, woman. Let me be, " he answered impatiently, turning away from her and lying back down on the bed. Margaret felt a stab of panic. She shook his arm, crying, "Mac, please, talk to me! Don't turn away.” Neil rolled over and faced Margaret. He had a weary look upon his face. He sat up and got out of bed, walking over to the fire place. "It's gotten colder. I should make a fire." He began to gather kindling and lay it on the ashes. He lit it and added some cut wood that was stacked near the fire place. Margaret wanted to scream with impatience. He was avoiding the subject of Christy. That must mean his feeling for her were serious. "Mac, you must tell me how you feel about Christy!" He turned toward her and grabbed her arms. Looking angrily into her eyes, he said, "You have no right asking me about my feelings for Christy when you have been with countless other men. I don't want to hear the details about those men, and I don't want to tell you about Christy. You can rest assured that nothing improper ever occurred." "I know you didn't DO anything! I want to know how you FEEL!" Margaret was getting hysterical now. "I feel that Christy Huddleston is an admirable young woman of good character who cares deeply about the people of Cutter Gap," Neil said as he walked away from Margaret. "I'm not interested in your opinion of her character, Mac, and you know very well what I mean, " Margaret declared in frustration. He turned to face her. "I thought you were dead, woman. I thought I was a free man. I did start to have feelings for Christy, feelings of more than friendship. I had never felt that for anyone since you had gone, and I wanted to take it slowly, both because I was still healing, and because of her youth and inexperience. Then you came back and everything changed. I hated you then, Margaret. I couldn't believe you could have been that cruel to your mother and to me, whatever the problems you had with both of us." Margaret looked down. She spoke quietly, "I know, Mac. I know what a monstrous thing it was. If you had been just a little less angry when I came back the first time, I might have stayed, or at least kept in touch while I got my treatments. But I could suddenly see myself through your eyes, and I felt that both you and Mother would be better off without me." "I thought I was, but with you alive, I didn't know what to do with any developing feelings I had for Christy. I was no longer free to pursue a new relationship. I hated you for leaving me, then coming back just when I had a chance at happiness again." Those words stung. Margaret hated hearing that Mac had really begun to care for Christy. She was consumed with jealousy, yet knew she mustn't show her anger, but act humble and contrite. " I have no right to object to you having feelings for another woman when you thought I was dead, and even after you knew I was alive, but had been unfaithful many times. It hurts, Mac. I know it isn't fair after what I've done, but it still really hurts." Margaret began to cry softly. Neil sighed, but took her in his arms. "I guess if it didn't, you wouldn't really love me, then. We both have to find a way to forgive each other, or we can never hope to begin again. The thought of you with those men makes me sick to my stomach, but that is in the past." "I don't know much about forgiveness, Mac, but I know I love you. I promise that from this day on, I will be a faithful wife to you. I will live in Cutter Gap and accept that you have your work. I will make my peace with Mother. I will be a good wife, if you give me the chance." Neil continued to hold Margaret and said, "I don't know if you really know how to do any of those things, Margaret, but I am going to let you try. I am going to try to make it work this time, try to better understand your need for attention and companionship. My work will always consume much of my time, but I will do everything possible to be here for you." Margaret rested in his strong arms, feeling satisfied that she had won him over. But deep down, there were still some nagging doubts that she had it in her to make a life she could stand in Cutter Gap. There was also the matter of the horrible argument she had had with her mother. Was it possible that her own mother had finally given up on her? No, once Mother realized she planned to stay, it would all be fine. Margaret would make a life for herself in Cutter Gap, but this time, it would work. Subject: FANFIC: Finding a Place to Call Home (Part 5) Resent-Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 23:39:34 +0800 Resent-From: christy@gospel.iinet.net.au Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:39:43 -0800 (PST) From: Karen Rath Reply-To: christy@gospel.iinet.net.au To: christy@gospel.iinet.net.au Title: Finding a Place to Call Home Author: Karen Disclaimer: The story of "Christy" belongs to the LeSourd family. I am not writing this story for any profit. Author's note: I wrote an Epilogue after the first 4 parts when I had decided to discontinue this fanfic. I have since reconsidered, so please consider the Epilogue to no longer be part of this story. Synopsis of Parts 1-4: Neil and Margaret both decide to give their marriage another try. Neil vows to put his feelings for Christy out of his head, and Margaret promises to be a faithful wife who will live in Cutter Gap. Despite some strong misgivings on both their parts, they fall into each other's arms and reconcile. After that, they both realize there is no doubt that their love is as strong as ever, and they are determined to make their marriage work. Part 5 Neil awoke as the first light of dawn was seeping through the cabin windows. He felt renewed and refreshed. The sight of Margaret’s lovely form asleep on their bed made him feel very content. He did not fool himself into thinking this was going to be easy. Yet he could only be grateful that he was being given a second chance to be the husband that Margaret deserved. He wondered if that would mean they would have to leave Cutter Gap. He truly hoped not, but his marriage came first. If Margaret could not learn to accept the people here as he did, they would have to leave. He knew he could find a position in a city if necessary. It would break his heart to leave his people and this cove, but it was no longer his decision only. He felt ashamed at how he had assumed that as a man he had a right to make all decisions for what type of life he and Margaret should live. From now on, he would treat her as an equal, and together they would decide where to live. Yet he had a feeling that things would be different this time. He really wanted for Margaret and himself to stay here, and for Margaret and her mother to be close. He and Alice had had a strained relationship from the beginning, each blaming the other for their problems with Margaret and for Margaret’s decision to leave. However, he had come to respect Alice over the years for her commitment to the people of this area and for her nursing skills. It would be so fine if they could be a real family. Only Aunt Hattie remained of his close kin. He wanted Margaret and Alice to be his family, and even hope that this family could be extended by a child. He thought sadly of Margaret’s 3 miscarriages. He had been devastated each time, even though all were very early in her pregnancy. Margaret had been just as devastated the first time, but he knew that she felt more relief than sadness at the latter two. He realized the odds were against Margaret ever being able to carry a child to term, but he so hoped she would defy the odds and be able to have a child. He had seen it before, a woman having a baby after multiple miscarriages. He wanted so much to be a father, and he hoped that Margaret wanted to be a mother, if it were possible for her body to allow it to be so. As he put a pot of coffee on the stove, he watched the changing colors of the sunrise. Neil really loved this land. It was his home. He wanted Margaret to see it that way, too. Today he had a few patients on which to check, but none were an emergency. He wanted to spend as much time as possible with Margaret today. He wanted for them to get reacquainted with the land as well as each other. Margaret had always loved the beauty of the cove. That was an excellent starting place for trying to win her over to staying. Neil’s thoughts were interrupted by Margaret stirring from her sleep. She rolled over and faced Neil. She smiled. “Good morning, my darling. That coffee smells good. I guess it’s time I got up and started my new life in Cutter Gap.” Margaret pushed aside the quilt and sat up on the bed. She looked so beautiful, his heart was overwhelmed with love. Yet he sensed that she was putting on a false bravado. Surely it could not be that easy for her to jump back into life in Cutter Gap. Still, he was heartened that she was making the effort to show enthusiasm. He went to the bed and pulled her to her feet, encircling her in his arms, then ended the embrace with a quick kiss on her forehead. “I don’t want to get distracted," he grinned at her. “Let’s have some breakfast, then you can accompany me while I check on a few patients. It’ll be good for you to get the feel of the cove again that way.” Neil saw Margaret’s brief look of discomfort before she covered it up with a smile. “That sounds fine, Mac. Will we be riding on Charlie, or walking?” “We’ll need to ride. Some are quite a distance from here. I’ll need to get you a new horse. I sold Cady after I thought you were dead. Her presence was too painful. I found her a good home with the MacLaines right outside El Pano. Unfortunately, she died last year from a bad foaling. Her filly survived, though, and think I heard they’re looking to sell her. She should be old enough to ride now. I’ll inquire into it, if you’re interested.” Margaret’s eyes filled at the thought of her beloved Cady being dead. How often she had thought of her in the years she was gone. Yet the thought of Cady’s daughter as her new horse gave her some comfort. “Yes, please, Mac. I need a horse and I love the idea of a mare born to my own Cady.” “We can stop after I check on my patients today and get it all settled,” Neil said. “Can you afford it, Mac? How are your finances these days? Is my return a hardship to you that way?” Margaret asked anxiously. “I have some money put away. And it’s ‘our’ finances now, love. You know that we won’t be affording fancy things, but we can manage a new horse.” “You’re so good to me, Mac. It’s almost like I never left. Do you want me to make breakfast? I think I can still fry eggs, if you trust me after yesterday’s fiasco. I saw some when I was attempting to make supper.” “There should be enough for today. I don’t keep my own chickens anymore, but eggs are a common payment for my services.” In a short time, they had eaten some decently cooked eggs, Margaret had cleaned up, and they rode away on Charlie into the woods and on to see Neil’s first patient. Part 6 Margaret was starting to get a taste of life in Cutter Gap again. After following Mac on his tedious medical rounds, an emergency had occurred that called him away. They had just returned from the three calls he had felt he needed to make to check on the progress of patients when a boy had come running up to their cabin. “Doc, you gotta come quick. Rob fell off the roof and hit his head. He was up ‘ere fixin’ the shingles and slipped right off. I think his arm’s broke, too. He keeps goin’ in an’ outta sleep like.” Creed Allen’s words rushed out in his excited fear. “Come with me, Creed,” Mac said, leaping back up onto poor Charlie, who hadn’t even had time to rest from their earlier trip. He pulled the boy onto the horse in front of him. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, Margaret, but this will likely take a while.” And he was off before she could respond. Margaret sighed. She had better get used to this. There was no point in getting upset. Mac was a doctor, and a patient obviously needed his help badly. That is just the way life was around here. She was disappointed that when they had stopped by the MacLaines, Mr. MacLaine had been uncertain if he wanted to sell the filly he called Clover. She was a beautiful chestnut color, and responded immediately to Margaret. She would have to be persistent, and try to convince Mac to offer a higher price. In the meantime, she had to face her mother, and a nice, long walk would do her good. She set out toward the mission house, rehearsing what she planned to say to her mother. She realized that she felt more nervous than she had when she waited for Mac to return the day before. She had always been able to get her way with her mother, but the scene in the school house two days before had shown her that Mother had finally reached the end of her patience. Margaret knew she had been a terrible brat, singing “Church in the Wildwood” in that disrespectful voice. But for her mother to say there was no longer any place for Margaret in her life had been unbearably painful to hear. Margaret was approaching the mission house on foot just as Mother was dismounting from Goldie. “May I have word with you, Mother?” she asked. “Come inside, Margaret. We shall be alone there.” Margaret followed her mother inside, feeling the tension in the air, watching the stiff way Mother held herself. This was not going to be easy. “Would thee like some tea, Margaret?” Mother asked formally. “I was just about to fix myself a cup. Perhaps thee will join me. It is not the kind they serve in thy recent place of employment, but hopefully it will suffice.” “Yes, Mother, I’d love some tea. Thank you.” Margaret fought hard to control the words she wanted to say in response to her mother’s sarcasm, but she had to be sweet and contrite, or they’d never resolve their differences. As her mother prepared the tea, Margaret got to the purpose of her visit. “I’ve decided to stay with Mac, Mother, and so I’ll be here in Cutter Gap, nearby. Isn’t that what you wanted?” “I am surprised thy husband has agreed to take thee back. How did thee manipulate him into that, Margaret?” “Mother, please. I know I’ve been abominable. But I want to change. I want to stay here with Mac and with you. I really do. If Mac can forgive me, surely you can. You always did before.” “Neil has obviously succumbed to thy feminine charms. I cannot blame him. He is a man who has been alone a long time. But I have reached the end of my patience with thee, Margaret. For years I overlooked all thy selfishness and cruelty, thy rejection of everything I held sacred. I cannot let my heart be tricked into thinking thee can be different. I cannot take another disappointment where thee is concerned.” “Mother, how can you do this to me? You are always preaching about forgiveness. What has made you turn against me?” “Why should I think thee has changed in any way, Margaret? Thee is the same selfish and empty person thee has always been. I was just too blind to see it before. Thee may have fooled Neil, but I can see through thee. Thee is here to take advantage of Neil in a time of desperation, and thee does not care about either him or me, and only about thyself. I wash my hands of thee, Margaret. Thee is no longer my daughter.” Margaret ran crying from the mission house, tripping and falling not far from the steps. She picked herself up and saw her mother watching her from the window, a distant look on her face. She collected herself and walked calmly away. She would work on another strategy to win over Mother. She could not give up when she had come this far. Mother was playing tough right now, but Margaret knew she could melt that hard veneer her mother could produce when she felt the need to protect her heart. As Margaret walked back to her cabin, she ruminated on the irony that it had been so much easier to win back Mac’s affections than Mother’s. She would not have expected that. She knew that Mac was making a grand effort to make their life seem normal. He apparently had decided this was the right thing to do, and stubborn man that he was, he would carry it through to the end. That was the way he was. Margaret’s pain over her mother’s rejection softened as she thought that she could totally trust her husband to stand by her. For the first time in far too long, Margaret appreciated the fact that she was married to an honorable man. When she reached the cabin, Mac was still gone. She decided to make herself useful, and did some cleaning in the cabin. She then went to the garden to see what needed to be done there. It had been sadly neglected. She had always liked to garden, and got right to weeding. An hour later, when Mac rode up to the cabin, she ignored her dirty face and hands and ran to him as he dismounted Charlie and threw her arms around him. “How is the Allen boy?” she asked right away. “He’s got a broken arm and a mild concussion, but he’ll be just fine after some rest. His father’s going to miss his help in the mill while that arm heals, but it’s his left arm, so he should be able to get some writing done.” “Rob Allen is a writer?” Margaret asked in surprise. “A very good one, according to Christy. He entered a writing contest, and while he didn’t win, a professor from Fordham offered him the chance to get a full scholarship if he passed an exam. I helped tutor him in chemistry. He’s a very bright lad. His father crushed his hand around that time, and Rob knew that his place was helping his family with the mill. He decided against college in New York.” “But why, Mac? It would be such an opportunity to get away from this place and make something of himself in the world. Oh, I will never understand these people,” Margaret exclaimed in frustration. “He knows that he belongs here with his family and his people. He can write from here, about here. This is as good of a place as any.” “If you say so, Mac. I’m glad he’s going to be alright.” Changing the subject, Margaret said, “I went to see Mother, but she still will have nothing to do with me.” “You hurt her deeply, Margaret. Give her some time. I know how she feels.” “I’m tired, Mac. I’m going to wash up in the river and take a rest.” Neil looked at her with concern. “You musn’t overdo it, Margaret. You’re still battling tuberculosis. Your lungs will never completely regain their former strength, even if you remain in remission. Please take care of yourself. Now that I’ve gotten you back, I wouldn’t want to lose you again.” Margaret gave him a quick kiss, and walked toward the river. Part 7 Neil awoke the next day in extreme emotional distress. He had just had a dream in which he had been with Christy and so filled with peace and happiness, until her face became that of Margaret's, mocking and pouting and shouting, as she had been so often in those last years before she left. He did not feel the contentment he had felt the day before at waking by Margaret's side. He was torn between his feelings for Margaret and Christy. He truly did love Margaret, but he did not trust her. He now had to face that Margaret's return would not make his feelings for Christy disappear. He had begun to love Christy, and those feelings were very real. The thought of no longer spending special time alone with her filled him with such feelings of yearning and loneliness. Yet, he could not allow himself to feel this as a married man. He wrote Margaret a note, and slipped out before she woke up. He could not face her right now. He was certain that his feelings for Christy would be written all over his face. He would check on patients, then ride over to the mission to talk to Alice and also see how it felt to face Christy now that he was back with Margaret and Christy had agreed to marry David. He had heard the news yesterday. The gossip had spread all over the cove. He was with Margaret when he had first heard that Christy had accepted David's proposal. He said he was happy to hear that, and Margaret had not made an issue of it. He had managed to keep his mind focused on Margaret and on his patients, and had successfully pushed Christy from his thoughts. However, after the dream, it was not possible to forget about his feelings for her. He tried to be objective. He had agreed to reconcile with Margaret, therefore he was totally unavailable to Christy as a suitor. Christy should have the opportunity for marriage and a family, and David was a good man, if a bit immature and snooty. They shared a faith in the Christian God, and that was important to both of them. Nevertheless, Neil did not think David could make Christy happy. Did he only think this because of his own feelings for her, and yes, damn it, her feelings for him? He supposed there was no way to ever sort it all out for certain, so he must do his best to wish her happiness with David. He did his patient rounds first, ending with a visit to Rob Allen. Mary was fussing and worrying, but he got her calmed down. He would have thought after he had done risky but successful surgery on both Bob and Little Burl, that she would trust him by now, but she was still not completely confident of his prognosis. Maybe it was just a mother's way to worry. Rob was awake, and asked, "When can I start reading, Doc? I'm bored silly laying around in bed all day." The young man shifted restlessly in his bed, looking very uncomfortable with a bandaged head and his arm in a cast and sling. Neil asked, "Have you had any dizzy spells. Is your vision blurred? What about headaches?" "Well, of course my head hurts! What do you expect when I fell off a roof and landed on it? But the pain ain’t so bad anymore. Just kinda a dull ache. And I ain’t been dizzy since last night. My eyes see like usual. Can I please sit up and read some?" Rob pleaded. "Just a little at first, Rob. And at the first sign of dizzyness or if the headache gets worse, I want you to stop and lie down and rest. Is that a promise?" "I'll do what you say, Doc. Just please make Mama stop hovering over me like some kinda hen, cacklin' and fussin' all day long." "There's no stopping a mother hen when one of her chicks has been hurt, Rob. This whole experience will be a lesson in patience for both of you. And how about your arm? How much pain do you have with it?" Neil asked. "I can stand it, Doc. It ain't so bad. I broke bones before. I know to take it easy with the arm. But if I can't be useful at the mill, I at least want to get some reading and writing done." "Just use some judgement, Rob. You're a smart lad, and I know I can count on you to do what is necessary to heal as thoroughly as possible. And Mary,” Neil turned to the nervous woman standing close by, "Keep an eye on Rob, but let him be, as much as you can. He's nearly a man, now." "He may be almost growed up, but he's my first born and he'll always be my baby. But I'll try to leave him be, if that's what he wants and you think it's best." Mary said, wringing her hands and pacing around. "He needs you to cook for him and check his bandages, and make sure he's comfortable, Mary. I'm not saying you shouldn't care for him. Just give him some peace sometimes. I know you're a good mother, Mary." "Thanks, Doc." Mary went to the shelves in the kitchen section of the cabin and got some jars off the shelf. "In all the fussin' yesterday, I fergot to pay ya, Doc. I hope these'll do," she said handing Neil two jars of canned peas and two of strawberry preserves. "These here peas are freshly canned from the early peas and I made these preserves from burries I picked jest last week." "That'll be just fine, Mary. You take it easy, Rob, and try not to worry, Mary. I’ll stop by tomorrow,” “Bye, Doc,” they called in unison, as Neil left the cabin, and carried the jars to his saddlebags. He mounted Charlie and rode toward the mission house. It was time to face Christy. Part 8 Margaret was bored. Mac had left before she even woke up, and she did not know what to do with herself once she had cleaned and straightened up the cabin, and finished weeding the garden. She must see about getting some seeds or cuttings. It was still early enough in the year to put in most plants. This place was driving her crazy after only a few days. She had to talk to someone. Margaret decided to go and visit Aunt Hattie. The walk was long and Margaret was tired by the time she got there. Mac was right. She needed to be more careful. Her lungs were not completely healthy. All this tramping through the woods was hard on someone who had been recently ill. She saw Hattie’s cabin and called out to her. The blind woman called back, “Is that you, Margaret? I heard you were back.” Of course, the whole cove must be gossiping about her return if even Hattie in her isolated cabin knew. “Yes, it is I, Aunt Hattie. It’s been a long time. How have you been?” Hattie took Margaret’s hands and held them. “You have come back to Neil. I am so happy.” “You are kind to say that. I acted very badly.” Margaret said, uncomfortable holding Hattie’s hands. She pulled away, and walked around the cabin. “It’s more beautiful here even than I remember. I was always so impressed that you had everything in its place in such an orderly way. You are good at taking care of yourself. I wish I were.” “I have help, Margaret. Friends and family stop by often. I also know that God is always with me.” “God. You sound like my mother. I’m so sick of hearing about God. How can you have faith? What kind of God would let your husband and children die all at once and then let you go blind?” “I don’t pretend to understand God’s will, or why he let those tragic things happen to me. But I know he gives me friends to love and sunshine on my face and the gift of music and the birds singing and the other critters runnin’ around here lettin’ me know all the time I’m part of a beautiful world.” “Tell me how you do it, Hattie. How do you keep from going crazy? How do you keep from hating?” “Come here, Margaret. I can’t see your lovely face anymore, so I want to feel your touch. Sit with me.” Hattie sat down on her sofa, and Margaret sat next to her, this time letting Hattie hold her hands. “You’re very lonely, aren’t you, Margaret? Even bein’ with Neil, you feel an emptiness inside, don’t you?” “Yes, I do, and it’s eating me up. Mac has been wonderful. I mean Neil.” “I always liked how you called him that. No one else ever did. It was your special name for him.” “Thank you. He has been amazing, really, after what I did. But my mother has cut me out of her life, and I don’t feel like I belong here in Cutter Gap, but then I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.” Margaret pulled away from Hattie and began to cry. Hattie put her arms around the younger woman and pulled her back to her. “There, there, dear one, you cry as much as you need to. You let all the pain that’s deep inside and eatin’ you up come up to the surface and you look at it straight on. You gotta face pain. It won’t go away on it’s own.” After letting Margaret cry for a while, Hattie heard the cries lessen and finally stop. Margaret sat up, and held Hattie’s hand. “Thank you, Hattie. I needed that. You are so kind. I have a hard time understanding such kindness.” “You dear mother is a very kind woman. Surely she has shown you that in the past, even if the two o’ you are on the outs now.” “I have hurt her deeply, I know. I suppose I always expected she would be there. I took her love for granted. I didn’t know what a loss it would be to no longer have it.” “Your mother still loves you as much as ever, Margaret. Don’t you ever doubt it. Alice Henderson is one of the most loving and compassionate people I have ever met. She may of let pain and anger cut her off from that love for a while, but she’ll find it again. God’ll show her how.” “Why can’t I believe in this God? I think I do, Hattie. I think somewhere deep down I do, and that he is calling me to him, but I am not ready to surrender my will. Mac doesn’t think it’s scientific to believe in God. I don’t care about science. I think I stopped believing because I wanted to hurt my mother. Her faith is so important to her. Now I need to figure out what I really believe on my own, not just in reaction to Mother or Mac.” “Do you ever pray, Margaret?” Hattie asked. “Not in a long time. I don’t remember how.” “Prayin’s just like havin’ a coversation with a friend. It’s the easiest thing in the world. Just talk to God like he was a friend.” “God doesn’t want to hear from me after what I’ve done, Hattie.” "Sure he does, Margaret. God has love and patience and forgiveness greater’n anything we can imagine. Just tell him what’s in your heart. How you’re sorry, and how you want to know him. It isn’t hard.” Hattie looked at Margaret with an intensity that frightened her. Margaret knew that it was important to Hattie that she understand, but this God business was too much to take in. “I grew up being taught about God, Hattie. But My mother left me when I was four years old to go and serve God in Kentucky. She left me alone with my grandparents who treated me like they were ashamed of me. It was years before I understood that I was a bastard, a shameful disgrace to the family. And as far as I could tell, God was what caused my mother to abandon me for four whole years. During that time, I only saw her a few times a year for short visits. I blamed God for taking my mother away. And when I heard about my father, I learned that he was a man of God, highly regarded in the religious community. Yet he took advantage of my mother as a young girl and abandoned her to her shame. I do not see how it makes a person better to serve this God.” “People misunderstand God all the time, Margaret. Always have and always will. But God loves us so much that he sent his Son to die for us that we might be forgiven. All we need to do is realize we are all sinners, say we’re sorry and mean it, and receive the gift of God’s love and salvation.” “I don’t believe it’s that easy, Hattie. I don’t know why God created us in the first place, why he let us sin in so many ways, then sent his Son to save us. That doesn’t make any sense.” “You have to listen with you heart, not your head. Please, Margaret, pray with me, pray to let Jesus come into your heart.” Margaret felt pulled in two directions. She sensed this was very important, that it could change everything, but it scared her. She wasn’t ready to give up control over her life. Religious people were so boring and conventional and lived by so many rules. She couldn’t go back to what she had rejected years before. And Mac would never go for this. It would be a wall between them. “I’m not ready. I’m scared. It might make me be closer to Mother, but I could lose Mac. I don’t want to surrender my will to God’s.” “This isn’t about what people think, and it doesn’t have to be scary. It’s about letting God love you.” Margaret felt a strange sensation. A quiet calm filled her as she thought about just letting God love her. For some reason, that was just what she wanted. “How do I let God love me, Hattie?” Taking Margaret’s hands again, Hattie said, “Pray with me, Margaret. Listen, while I talk to God, then join in if you want to.” “Alright, Hattie. Go ahead and pray.” "Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for all your many blessings. I come before you asking you to help this troubled soul, dear Lord. Give her peace. Help her to see your love. Help her to accept your saving grace.” Hattie addressed Margaret, “Do you admit that you are a sinner?” “No one’s a bigger sinner than I am.” “Do you repent of those sins and accept that Jesus died to take away your sins, and by accepting this gift of grace, you can have eternal life?” “Yes, I do,” said Margaret, surprising herself. She still didn’t understand exactly what that meant. She had so many questions. But deep in her heart, she knew she believed this, and that the rest would follow somehow. “Praise God, child,” Hattie said embracing her. “You have just become part of the family of God. You are a Christian now. That’s all it takes.” Then Hattie added, “Thank you, Lord, that one of your children has come home to you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.” Margaret felt a joy radiating from deep inside. She found herself smiling, like she had just discovered a precious secret. How could she have missed this before? God loved her, and Jesus died for her, and now it was up to her to start fresh, her sins forgiven. “Thank you , Hattie. I need to go now, unless I can get you anything. I want to be alone with God for a while.” “I’m fine here, Margaret. I’m so happy you finally understood what God has been trying to tell you your whole life. Now you just run along and share his love with everyone you find. You’ll see. It’ll make a big difference in your life.” Margaret gave Hattie a final hug and left her cabin, walking into the woods, to contemplate the implications of her newly found faith. She asked God to help her mend the rift with her mother and she asked for the words that would make Mac see what she now understood. Mostly she simply thanked God, and walked along the path, letting God love her. Part 9 As Neil approached the mission and school, he was not certain if he would see Alice or Christy first. He did not fancy either meeting, but felt the need to see both of them. He had decided to visit with Christy if the children were having their lunch recess and she would be free to talk. Sure enough, as he rode up to the school house, he saw the children running out the door. With butterflies in his stomach, he walked into the school. Christy was talking to Bessie Coburn, and Neil waited quietly by the door. Bessie was laughing excitedly, and Christy was looking somewhat stern, but Bessie soon ran past him to join the others outside. Neil stood by the door. Christy had been turned away from him and did not yet know he was there. Awkwardly, he cleared his throat, and said, “Good afternoon, Miss Huddleston.” Christy started, letting out a small cry. She nervously smoothed her hair and turned to face him. “Hello, Dr, MacNeill. What brings you here? Is it Rob? Is he worse?” “Rob is coming along fine. It’s a mild concussion and a simple fracture, so he will be completely healed in time. I saw him this morning and he’s more bored than anything else. He’s eager to use his sick time reading and writing, and I had to warn him not to overdo it.” “Perhaps some good will come of this accident, then. His father hasn’t been letting him come to school as often as he had promised. I know that Rob can get his graduation certificate this year, but I want to make sure he has as much opportunity as possible to be exposed to all the educational resources I can provide. I will send some books home with Creed for Rob, if you don’t object.” “Not at all. I told him to take it easy, and I’ll be checking regularly to make sure he does.” Neil felt impatient. He didn’t want to waste time discussing Rob Allen when the children would soon be back from lunch. “Is there something you wanted to discuss with me, Dr. MacNeill?” Christy asked. “I wanted to congratulate you on your engagement to the Reverend. He’s a lucky man.” “I think I’m the one who’s lucky. It just took me a while to realize it. How are things with Mrs. MacNeill?” Neil could not read the look on Christy’s face at the mention of Margaret. “They are going surprisingly well. She is really trying hard, and we have decided to forgive each other for past mistakes and start fresh. I think there’s a good chance it will work, but only time will tell.” “I’m very happy for both of you” Christy said stiffly. “I find it truly astounding that you can forgive her after everything she has done to you, but of course it’s very good that you can. That is the right thing to do. Married couples should be together.” “I’m glad you see it that way. I hope that you and Margaret can become friends. She could probably relate to you better than to most of the people around here. She needs a friend like you.” “I will do what I can to help her readjust to life in Cutter Gap. At least for as long as I am here. Now that I have agreed to marry David, I know it will only be a matter of time before we move on.” Christy looked sad as she said this. “That man wouldn’t take you away from here, now, would he? Doesn’t he know how much the people here mean to you and all the good you’ve accomplished? Christy, how can you marry a man who doesn’t understand you at all, or shows so little concern for your feelings?” “That is not your concern, Dr. MacNeill. It is a wife’s duty to follow her husband. Isn’t that what Margaret is doing? This is certainly not her first choice of places to live. And you have no business questioning whether or not I should marry David.” Christy eyes blazed. “How DARE you?” “You’re right. It’s none of my business. I was out of line. I wish you every happiness in whatever your future brings.” “Thank you, Dr. MacNeill. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go over some work before the children return from their recess.” “Of course, Miss Huddleston. I won’t bother you any longer. Good day to you.” Neil walked out the door and toward the mission house. That had certainly been an unpleasant visit. He hoped that they could both overcome their anger toward each other, and become friendly again, but he was not optimistic at the moment. After such an unsuccessful exchange, he was not eager to see Alice, but he felt he owed it to Margaret to try to help them overcome their differences. He had wanted to ask Christy about Alice, but the conversation had gone so badly, he had not had the opportunity. Neil found Alice in the kitchen of the mission house, sitting at the table with her Bible in front of her, staring into space. “Alice, we have to straighten out this mess between you and Margaret,” said Neil, getting directly to the point. “It is too late, Neil. Thee may have found it in thy heart to give her another chance, but she has run out of chances with me.” “You’re not making sense, woman. Margaret is trying to change. Now is the time when you have a real chance to begin to understand each other. She wants to be close to you. I know how many years you have longed for that. It’s just not like you to be so hard when she has finally reached out to you. You’re breaking her heart!” “And how many times has she broken mine?” Alice cried. “How can thee risk this, Neil? She faked her own death, for years letting us think her gone. Then she turned up for a few days to let us know she was alive, and vanished again for nearly a year. We found her dancing in that disgraceful teahouse with no regard for any sense of decency. She mocked me and my beliefs one final time and I knew then it was hopeless. If I fall for whatever game she is playing now, I will only be hurt again. My heart cannot survive that.” “Alice, God knows I find it hard to trust her, but what choice do we have? We love her and she is ours. It’s as simple as that. Whatever happened to all the forgiveness your religion thinks is so important?” “I don’t know, Neil. I keep trying to pray, searching the Scriptures, but all I find is silence and darkness. I cannot see the light in Margaret. I am not sure I can see the light at all.” Neil sat down at the table. Alice looked so lost. He almost wanted to reach out his hand to comfort her, but they had never had that sort of relationship. Neil said gently, “Alice, please. Margaret needs you. I want us to be a family. Please don’t turn your back on us. I know you care. Some stubbornness has gotten hold of you, but this is not the Alice Henderson everyone looks to for wisdom and compassion. The real Alice is hiding in there somewhere, and it’s time for her to come out.” Alice looked down at her Bible. She did not speak. Neil tried another tactic. “I hate to bring this up, Alice, but Margaret does have tuberculosis. She’s had treatment, and been in remission for a while, but this is not a disease from which most people recover. She is doing well now, but we may not have her with us for that long. How would you feel if something happened to her before you had a chance to reconcile? You know you would feel horrible, and never be able to forgive yourself.” “Does thee think she’s going to die soon, Neil? Is that why thee has taken her in?” Alice looked suddenly alarmed. “No, Alice, I don’t think she’s close to death. Her treatments seem to have been successful, and she could live for many years yet. But there are no guarantees. I wanted to make sure you understood she was not completely out of danger. I took her back because she asked me to and I am her husband, and I still love her.” “Thee is an honorable man, Neil. I know of thy feelings for Miss Huddleston. It must be very difficult for thee to know she has chosen to marry Reverend Grantland.” “I just had a rather awkward talk with her. I won’t deny having feelings for her, but I have a wife, and Christy is entitled to have a husband. I can put any inappropriate feelings aside and see her as a friend. I see Margaret as my wife.” Alice sighed wearily, but a small smile crossed her lips. “Thee never ceases to surprise me, Neil MacNeill. I have not given thee enough credit for being a man of character. Thy words shame me. God has called us to forgive each other just as he forgives us. Thee professes not to believe in God, yet thee can forgive. I have no excuse, except my own fear, for not forgiving Margaret. I am desperately trying to shield my heart, but I must give this fear to God. I must turn it over to him and let him transform it into love.” “If it takes turning to your god, then do so, but please find it in your heart to give Margaret another chance. She needs you so very much.” Neil added hesitantly, “So do I, Alice.” “Does thee have some romantic notion that we can be some kind of happy family, Neil? I would have thought thee more of a realist than that. I have no such illusions. But I do want my daughter back. Thee is my son-in-law and part of my family, too. I will go to Margaret.” “I was about to ride back to my cabin. Would you join me, then?” “Yes, Neil. I will ride with thee to see Margaret.” “Thank you, Alice. You’ll see. It will be different this time.” “I hope thee is right about that, Neil. But regardless, it is my place to be with my daughter.” Alice closed her Bible, and left the mission to ride with Neil to see Margaret. Neil could see her lips moving and assumed that she was praying as they rode through the woods toward the cabin. He did not know what to expect, but he was pleased that Alice had changed her mind. He only hoped that Margaret had not changed hers. Part 10 Margaret saw two horses tied in front of her cabin. She recognized Goldie. Mother! She ran excitedly inside. Mac and Mother were waiting for her. “Mother?” Margaret asked tentatively. “Have you come to see me?” “Forgive me, Margaret, for the cruel way I treated thee the past few days. I have no excuse.” “Mother, I am the one who was cruel. There is nothing for me to forgive. I do not deserve your love, but if you’re willing to give it to me, I will be ever so grateful.” “My child, my darling Margaret,” Alice said, embracing Margaret. “I love you, Mother. I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused you,” Margaret said as she held her mother tightly.” Margaret turned to Mac, “You did this, didn’t you? Thank you, darling.” “I only had a few words with her to help her out of her stubbornnness. It didn’t take much convincing for her to see she wanted to set things right with you.” Mac smiled at the mother and daughter, resting their heads on each others’ shoulders. “I have to ride to El Pano,” Mac said. “I’ll leave you two to visit. I should be back this evening unless there is an emergency.” Mac collected some medical supplies, and kissed Margaret. “Good-bye, Margaret. Good-bye, Alice. Thank you for coming out here today.” “Thank thee, Neil, for helping me to see the light again.” Margaret watched her mother reach out her hand, hesitate, then touch Mac’s arm. She had never seen her do that before. He took Mother’s hand, and held it a moment, then walked through the door. “Well, Mother,” Margaret started, “here we are. I have so much to tell you, and I don’t know where to begin.” “I am so happy that thee wants to stay,” Mother said, smiling. “What brought about this change of heart, Margaret?” “My reasons for coming back were very confused. I didn’t come to El Pano with the other girls by coincidence. I knew I had to work something out. I missed both you and Mac, but didn’t know how to start over after everything that had happened. I also admit I was scared to be on my own because of the illness and lack of money. I didn’t allow myself to think the whole thing through, but just took the opportunity to join with a troup that was traveling in this direction. Once here, I handled the whole thing very badly. I don’t blame you for being fed up with me, but I’m so glad you have reconsidered.” “I could not give up on thee, Margaret. I want to believe the best of thee.” “I don’t really know who I am, Mother. I am Mac’s wife, your daughter, but I have never been able to figure out who Margaret is, other than someone at war with everyone else. I feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. I know we have so much to talk about, catch up on, but there’s something that happened just a little while ago today, and I need to talk to someone about it. I think you’re just the one to understand.” “We can catch up later. Tell me what is on thy mind that happened today.” “I went to see Aunt Hattie. We had a wonderful talk about many things, and we started talking about God, and we prayed, and I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my heart. I feel very good about that decision, but I really don’t know where to go from here. As you know, I did my best to disregard every Christian teaching you tried in instill in me.” “Margaret, thee has no idea how long I have prayed that I would hear those very words coming from thee, and now my prayers have been answered! My darling girl, thee has come home in the most important way of all.” Margaret was pleased that she could make her mother this happy. She had known that Mother would rejoice in her decision. Yet how did she explain to Mother that she wanted to make it work, being a Christian, but didn’t know where to begin? “Mother, Hattie told me that I have to let my heart speak to me rather than my head. I understand that this is important, but how do I keep my head from asking so many difficult questions? I may not be a scientist like Mac, but I have a questioning mind. At one time, I considered myself quite the intellectual, back in my college days.” "Yes, Margaret, thee was often too smart for thy own good, even as a child. But thy intellect is a gift from God. There are many men and women with high intelligence who can use it to serve God. This does not need to deter thee from following the path of Jesus. This could be the very way for thee to find a way to accomplish something, to have a purpose to thy life.” “I’m so afraid that if I think about it from a logical point of view that I will not find Christianity reasonable. See how I am doing this already? I don’t want to spoil the happiness I feel and I know you feel that I have decided to become a Christian.” “I feel great joy at thy decision and know that thee does, too, but thee must realize that this path is not about emotional happiness, but about serving a Lord and submitting thy will to one greater than thine. This can be quite challenging. Thee must also work to put the needs of others before thy own.” “We both know that has never been my strong suite, Mother, to say the least.” “In Christ thee is a new creation. The old has passed away. He will guide thee in the process of learning to be more like him. That includes learning to give to others.” “This whole thing is starting to scare me. It sounds so difficult. I suppose God expects me to act kindly toward the people around here. I know Mac will hate it if I’m a Christian. I just got back together with him. I don’t want to lose him over differences of opinion on religion. On the other hand, he will likely be pleased if I have a higher regard for the local people.” Margaret sighed in frustration, sorting through the pros and cons. Mother smiled in that superior way of hers, it seemed to Margaret. “Christianity is not a religious opinion, and what thy husband thinks is not the issue. Christianity is a relationship with the living God, and finding the light of God in every human being. Thee has much to learn, but I will help thee any way I can.” Margaret felt the familiar resentment toward her mother returning. How sure of herself she sounded! As usual, she had all the answers! Is that what becoming a Christian did to one? She certainly hoped not. However, today was about reconciliation. She did her best to put her resentment aside and said, “You’ve given me much upon which to ponder, Mother. I am sure that I have much to learn from you. I am very glad that we are at peace now.” “Thee thinks I am smug, does thee not? Do not think thee can fool me after knowing thee thy whole life, Margaret. Nevertheless, we have made a beginning and I am grateful. I will leave thee now to ‘ponder,’ as thee puts it. I would suggest some prayer, as well. Thee will be in my prayers, certainly. I have much to be thankful for, and I will pray that God will show thee how to follow him.” “You do know me well, Mother. Let’s just see how this goes. Pray for me, please. I will talk to you more of this. I may have a talk with Reverend Grantland as well. For now, I will try to pray, and try also to think how I will break this news to Mac.” “God be with thee, Margaret. I will see thee soon, I hope.” With a final embrace, Mother walked out the door. “Good-bye, Mother.” Margaret closed the door behind her mother and felt a simmering anger returning. The joy of the reunion, as well as her conversion, was gone. Part 11 It was early evening when Neil rode Charlie back to the cabin with Clover following behind. After calling on some patients, he had convinced MacLaine to sell him the filly. He knew that Margaret would be pleased. Neil tied up both horses outside the cabin and went inside. Margaret was sitting still, looking lost in thought. She didn’t look up or say anything when he walked in. “Are you alright, Margaret? Didn’t your talk with Alice go well?” Margaret said nothing. Neil walked over to where she was sitting and put his hand on her shoulder. “What’s the matter, Margaret?” “I can’t talk about it.” Neil fought to keep from expressing his frustration. “I have a surprise for you, Margaret. Come outside with me.” Margaret stood up and followed Neil outside. When she saw Clover, her face lit up, and she laughed, running over and hugging the horse’s neck. Clover whinnied softly, but let Margaret embrace her. “Oh, Mac! Thank you! You got him to sell! This means so much to me.” She let go of Clover and ran over to Neil and held onto him tightly. Neil smiled, pleased that she was happy about something. After feeding and watering the horses, Neil and Margaret went back into the cabin. Once inside, Margaret began to prepare supper. She seemed happier, but was still preoccupied. Neil wasn’t sure if he should press the issue or not. He was worried that Margaret and Alice had had another argument. He decided to let it go, and let Margaret bring it up when she was ready. After putting the food on the table, Margaret asked, “Mac, would you rather I called you ‘Neil’?” Neil was taken aback by that question. Margaret had never asked before in all the years he’d known her how he felt about her nickname for him. She had simply declared one day in Philadephia shortly after thay had met, “You seem more like a Mac to me. I’m going to call you that.” And so she had for most of the times she’d addressed him ever since. “It doesn’t matter to me, Margaret.Why do you ask that now?” “I don’t want to call you by a name you don’t like. I know I’m the only one who says ‘Mac’ and if it bothers you, I’ll stop.” Neil kept himself occupied with eating to give himself time to decide how to answer. This was one of those things women were touchy about, he feared. Most likely no matter what he said, it would be the wrong answer, but he knew he could not put it off for much longer. “I’ve always thought it was endearing that you called me ‘Mac,’” he answered. “I hope you mean that. Would you prefer I called you ‘Neil,’ even if ‘Mac’ doesn’t bother you?” “I don’t have a preference, Margaret. What’s this all about? Why do I believe what you call me is not really the point? What happened between you and Alice today? What’s going on?” “I’ll call you ‘Neil’ from now on, if you don’t mind.” Margaret answered, as if he had not asked her anything else. Neil slammed his fist on the table. “Blast it, woman, will you stop acting so strangely and tell me what’s on your mind? You never hesitated before to tell me in great detail what made you unhappy. How can I help if I don’t even know?” “I’m sorry, Mac,...er...I mean Neil. It’s so hard to say. Everything is so hard.” Margaret began to cry. Neil felt terrible, but he was still completely in the dark. “Margaret, dear, I’m very sorry I was so harsh. I’m just trying to understand, and you’ re not making it easy.” “I want to be a good person. I want to help people and not be selfish all the time. But I don’t know how. You sacrifice so much of yourself to help the people here. I never thought of it that way before. I only saw your work as taking you away from me to help a bunch of people for which I had no regard. Now I see that you really make a difference in the quality of their lives. You are a healer. I am nothing.” Margaret continued to cry. Neil got up from the chair and walked over to the crying Margaret who had barely touched her food. He took her hand and led her to the sofa. He sat close to her, still holding her hand, and faced her directly. “Margaret, my sweet lass, you are far more than nothing. You’ve made some mistakes, some really big ones, I’ll admit, but you are a good person deep down. I know that. I love you.” “Why do you love me, Neil? Is there more to that love than your enjoyment of our physical relationship? What have I ever been except a pretty face and a good roll in the hay?” Margaret said with bitterness in her voice. “My dear Margaret, you’re being so hard on yourself. Of course you’re more to me than a ‘roll in the hay,’ as you so crudely put it. You have many talents...um...many other talents. You have a good mind, a beautiful singing voice, an ability to appreciate poetry and literature.” Neil held her, hoping that she would feel better. She stopped crying and sat up straight. She took a deep breath as if she were ready to say something important. Neil waited. He did not want to push her. “You are so kind to me, Neil. I don’t deserve it, but I’m grateful for it. I wouldn’t want to lose you again. Yet I need to tell you something that might upset you.” Neil imagined all kinds of sordid things connected to the life she had been leading until recently and wondered if he wanted to hear this after all. “I went to see Aunt Hattie this morning. I was coming back from there when I found you and Mother here. I went to see her because I was bored and lonely, and I could always relate to her better than to most people around here. I never expected the conversation to go where it did.” “And where was that, Margaret?” Neil asked. “We talked about God,” Margaret said in barely more than a whisper. Neil felt his heart sink. This could only be bad, he knew. Sighing, he fought to keep his temper and asked, “What about God, Margaret?” “I have become a Christian, Neil.” Neil said angrily, “And just what do you mean by THAT, woman?” He jumped up from the sofa and walked away from Margaret, ready to walk out the door and ride away. He tried to calm himself, but a raging fury was churning inside him. “Please, Neil, I know you don’t believe, but can you try to see that I think this could be what has been missing in my life? Maybe with God’s help, I can learn to be a better person and a better wife and learn to respect the people here. You want me to get along with the people here, don’t you, Neil?” Margaret had come over to where Neil was standing by the door. “I don’t want to discuss this now, Margaret. You were right. This has upset me very much. I need to get out of here.” Neil left a tearful Margaret behind as he walked outside and unhitched Charlie and rode into the night. Part 12 Margaret stood sadly looking at the door through which Neil had just fled. She hadn’t done a very good job of telling him, with all that beating about the bush over his name. She had no way of explaining to him that calling him ‘Neil’ now was a symbolic way of expressing that she cared for another’s feelings and not just her own selfish opinion. By irritating and confusing him over the name thing, she had probably made him angrier when she finally told him she was a Christian. She really couldn’t do anything right. Yet, somehow, she was not devastated. She hadn’t expected Neil’s initial reaction to be positive. She knew him well enough to know he needed to blow off steam. He would calm down eventually and they could take about it later. She wanted him to accept her as a Christian, and not be angry with her, but now that the words had been said and he had gotten angry, she realized that she could accept his anger without fearing he would reject her. She was surprised that she could be this calm and rational, and expected that it must be a matter of God helping her. She cleared away the remains of supper, and went over to the fireplace to start a fire. It was a chilly evening, and she felt the need of warmth. She realized that she was exhausted. So much had happened in just one day and she had overdone it physically. She needed to take better care of herself. She got ready for bed and thought how she might pray. Unaccustomed to praying, she didn’t know where to begin. She wondered if she needed to kneel. She didn’t remember her mother having her kneel as a child for prayers, so it must not be necessary. She turned down the lamp, crawled under the covers, and simply said, “Thank you God. I’m sorry for my attitude toward Mother. Please keep Neil safe and bring him back to me. Help me to learn how to be a Christian. Amen.” As Margaret drifted off to sleep, she felt the peace of knowing she was wrapped in the loving arms of God. She knew that she was safe. * * * * * Margaret awoke to find Neil lying beside her. She had slept so soundly that she had not heard him come back home. She said a quick silent prayer of thanks. She was very grateful that he was there, but she felt the need to get away herself. It was barely dawn. Could she risk riding Clover who was not accustomed to her? She needed to talk to Reverend Grantland. She crept quietly out of the house after leaving Neil a note, as he had done so considerately the other day, and walked over to Clover. She stroked the horse’s head, and Clover nuzzled her. They were going to be friends. Margaret put the bridle and saddle on Clover, and felt little resistence from her, which was very encouraging. Margaret climbed upon the filly, and felt her squirm a little, making noises of fear, but Margaret again stroked her and talked to Clover until the horse seemed to relax, and willingly rode along at Margaret’s bidding. It was rather early to pay a call to the Reverend, so Margaret used the time to take the opportunity to get better acquainted with riding Clover, and rode to some of her favorite spots in the cove, letting the filly get used to the feel of Margaret as a passenger. Neil had said she had only a little experience with riders, and Margaret knew that it was only her natural affinity for horses that was making this ride progress so smoothly. When it seemed a decent hour, Margaret rode to the mission house. She found Mother, Christy, Reverend Grantland, and that loquacious red-haired Morrison girl present in the kitchen, eating breakfast. They all looked up in surprise at her appearance, but it was the girl who immediately began to talk by saying, “Why, it’s Miss Alice’s girl and the Doc’s wife. Howdy, Miz MacNeill. Guess you come to see yer ma. She’s so happy you’re back. Took her a while to get over all that meanness you did to her and the Doc, but I guess you know that already. Lordy, Miss Alice, this must be such a joy for you to have your girl back. I wish my daddy would be that glad to see me, but then if he was, I couldn’t stay here, and I really like stayin’ here. And now that Preacher and Teacher’s engaged, someone’ll have ta chaperone when you travel, Miss Alice. I surely hope people know I’m old enough for that now. You do think I’m old enough, don’tcha? ‘Cause I know..... “That will be enough, Ruby Mae. We will discuss thy chaperoning abilities another time. Thee is going to scare Margaret off with thy endless chatter. How is thee today, Margaret? Does thee remember Ruby Mae Morrison? She boards with us here at the mission and is a big help with cooking and other chores.” “Hello, Ruby Mae. I remember a little red-haired girl, and now I see a lovely young woman,” Margaret said, using every ounce of willpower she possessed to be gracious. That girl had been born chattering, as far as she could tell, and none of that had changed in the years she had been away. Of all the people to live at the mission! How did they stand it? It must be part of that Christian selflessness she needed to learn. Ruby Mae beamed at Margaret’s compliment. “That’s right nice of you to say , Miz MacNeill. You sure are a lot nicer’n you was before. Is it true you got religion? I know that can change people for the better.” “Ruby Mae, that was not a very nice thing to say to Mrs. MacNeill after she just paid you a compliment,” David admonished. “But, Preacher, I said she was nicer, didn’t I? Did I mess up again? Oh, I always say the wrong thing, no matter how hard I try.” Ruby Mae said sadly, with resignation. Margaret smiled, suddenly identifying with this insecure girl who probably had not gotten enough love and attention, and made up for it by talking too much. “It’s quite alright, Ruby Mae. I understand that you meant it as a compliment. There’s no use pretending I haven’t done more than my share of mean things. So I am pleased that you find me nicer now.” “You surely are a nice lady, and it’s just so mighty fine how everything worked out with you and the Doc gettin’ back together an’ Miz Christy and Preacher gettin’ engaged. Now everyone can be happy.” Mother spoke again. “Ruby Mae, I am pleased that Margaret and thee think well of each other. Margaret, has thee had breakfast? Ruby Mae would be glad to set thee a place.” “Actually, I am rather hungry. I’ve been riding a ways on my new horse that Neil got me yesterday, and I haven’t eaten yet.” “I’ll be right with that food, Miz MacNeill. You jest have a seat and make yerself at home.” Ruby Mae rushed off to get the food. Christy had been sitting quietly, playing with her food, hardly eating a bite. Margaret could feel her discomfort like a physical presence. She said, “I understand that congratulations are in order Reverend, for your engagement to Miss Huddleston. I am happy for both of you.” Margaret sat down, and Ruby Mae filled her plate with some kind of egg and meat dish. She took a bite and decided it was unquestionably possum. Very well, she was hungry enough to eat a possum, and so she did. “Very delicious, Ruby Mae,” Margaret said, before she commenced to eat heartily. Ruby Mae smiled that big grin of hers again, but with a stern look from Mother, she said only, "Thank you, ma'am." Poor girl. Margaret remembered being the recipient of that look many times. Mother had not mastered it until Margaret’s adolescence, but once she did, it had subdued Margaret’s rebelliousness through fear. It took her a few years to learn how to ignore it, but she could still sympathize with Ruby Mae. Maybe it would not be so hard to find common ground with these mountain people after all. Christy finally spoke, “I am happy to see you, Margaret. I’m sorry if I seemed rude by not speaking sooner, but my stomach is not feeling well. If you will all excuse me, I think I will take some bicarbonate of soda and then go to the school. I have a few lessons to finalize before the children arrive.” Christy got up and scraped her plate into the compost bucket. She got the bicarb from the cupboard and left rather quickly. Margaret felt guilty. She didn’t know if the stomach ache was a pretense, or if she had literally made Christy sick, but she was rather certain that her presence had upset Christy in some way. She decided to not think about that now, and focus instead on the purpose of her visit. “Reverend Grantland, I know you have heard that I have become a Christian. Mother has offered to help me, and I know Aunt Hattie will also, but since you are a clergyman, I was hoping that we could set up a meeting to discuss some questions I have. Despite my upbringing, I did such a good job of rebelling that I have forgotten many of the most basic tenets of Christianity. I was hoping that you could help me.” “Nothing would please me more than to help a new Christian learn more about the faith. You have made Alice so happy, Margaret. Is it agreeable with you for me to call you Margaret?” “Of course, Reverend. I may be older than you, but you are my spiritual elder. When can you fit me into your schedule for a lesson?” Margaret asked. “I have this morning free, as it turns out. Would you like to talk now?” “Oh, yes, Reverend. Thank you so much.” Margaret wondered where these submissive words were coming from. This boy was nearly a decade younger than she. Could she really expect him to help her in matters of faith? To her surprise, she thought he could. She at least thought she should hear what he had to say. Mother smiled and said, “I am so pleased that thee is taking thy faith so seriously right from the start. I am very proud of thee, Margaret.” Margaret was touched by these words. She wondered when she had last made her mother feel proud of her. “Thank you, Mother. I am really trying.” “I know that, child. I have to spend the day in Low Gap. I know that thee will be in good hands with Reverend Grantland. I will talk to thee tomorrow if I can, to see how thee is doing. I know that this is a difficult as well as a joyful time in they life.” “Yes, Mother, it is both those things. Have a good trip.” Margaret and Mother both rose at the same time and embraced. As Ruby Mae cleared the table and Mother walked up the stairs, Margaret turned to Reverend Grantland and said, “I’m ready.” Part 13 Neil woke up as he heard the door close. He rolled over and noticed that Margaret was gone. Where would she go at this hour? It was dawn. He crawled out of bed, wondering if she had left him again. He wouldn’t put it past her. His anger had not abated in the least. A Christian! It was just not possible. They had been through so much, but he did not know if he could tolerate this. Part of him knew that he wasn’t being rational. Nearly everyone he cared for in this world was a Christian. But not his wife! He could not be married to a Christian, to someone who believed in superstitious fairy tales. Even when he had harbored hopes of having a future with Christy, he had believed that he could convince her to stop believing in religion. Yet, it was hard to imagine Christy without her faith. It seemed to provide the source of her passion to make the world a better place. It always came back to Christy. Christy was the other woman he loved. He loved his wife, but he also loved Christy. He might as well admit it to himself. As he prepared his breakfast, his thoughts wondered to times he had spent with Christy. He was angry at Margaret, and so he was back to dreaming of Christy! This would not do! He had to have one more talk with Christy. They had to speak honestly, then do the right thing. He could not let the situation go on with this tension between them. Neil saw that Margaret had left him a note. She said that she was going to talk to the Reverend. The very thought of Margaret going to a preacher was so incongruous, he could hardly gather the concept in his imagination. These past few days had turned his world upside down and round about and there seemed to be no end in sight. He might as well see Margaret getting religion as just another turn of events in a world that made no sense whatsoever. At any rate, he could not be visiting Christy at the same time Margaret was visiting David. He must wait. That thought made him feel deceitful, sneaking around behind Margaret’s back. He needed to stop thinking and brooding and get on with his work. He would see his patients, and put those two troublesome women out of his mind. * * * * * After Neil had tended to all who needed him, and school was out for the day, Neil took the chance of visiting Christy. He hoped he would find her still in the school house. It would be awkward to explain his presence at the mission house. He was relieved to find her alone in the school, working. This time he got straight to the point. “Christy, I need to talk to you about an important matter. Our last conversation went so badly that I cannot leave it like that.” Christy looked up and smiled, but her eyes were sad. “I am so sorry about that, Neil. I did not know what to say to you. I was cold and I was rude. Please forgive me.” “There’s nothing to forgive, lass. We both were acting less than admirably. But I need to be honest with you now. I need to tell you the whole truth.” Christy got up from the desk and stood facing Neil directly. “I, too, need to be honest,” she said. “Good. That will make it easier for both of us.” “None of this is easy, Neil,” Christy said sadly. “This is one of the most difficult things I have ever needed to say.” “Would you like to go first, then? I would gladly let this be a case of ‘Ladies First.’” “No, Neil. You came to me. You start.” “Very well. You know that Margaret and I are back together. I truly love her, Christy. I’m remembering all the reasons I married her, and I am finding new things to love about her every day, as well as new problems," he added, thinking of the religion business. “Yet I came to tell you that I also love you. I know it is wrong, but my feelings started before I knew Margaret was alive, and once they started, I could not stop them. They only kept growing and now they are strong. I am in no way suggesting any kind of actions on those feelings, but I had to tell you how I feel.” “Oh, Neil, how it hurts to hear you say those words when we cannot be together. You are wrong to feel that way, but I am also wrong. I love you, too. I have for a while. I also love David, but I love you more. If you were not married, I would rather marry you than him.” Christy looked up at Neil, her eyes filling with tears, her love shining through so strongly that he thought his heart would break. He wanted to take her in his arms to comfort her, to hold her, but he knew that this was one boundary over which he would not step. “Ah, Christy lass, what a predicament we’ve gotten ourselves into. But listen to me. I say this because I care and not out of jealousy. You should not marry David. I am already married to Margaret. I have loved her for years despite our many problems, and I will honor my marriage vows. But you still have time to fall in love again. You will get over me. David should have a wife who loves him and only him. You should have a husband that is the man you love most in the world. A marriage between the two of you would not be fair to either of you. Do not marry him because of me. Wait until you find the right man for you.” “I am not marrying him because of you, Neil,” Christy said indignantly. “I considered marrying him before I even loved you. I do love him. I think that he and I are well suited for each other. We have similar beliefs and values.” “But he wants to take you away from here, and you want to stay. I know you have said that Margaret is making a sacrifice to be here with me. But it’s more than where you live. I believe that you and David have different ideas about how to help people. You understand and respect the people here in a way he does not. He tries, but he is not capable of it. You both came from cities and prosperous families, yet he puts himself above the people here in a way you do not. I think that shows a fundamental difference in your value systems.” “I think you are being unfair to David. He is learning to love the people here. I think that where ever we go, that we can work together to make life better for the people we serve. I do not believe that we are so different in our values.” Christy tried to sound firm, but her reservations could be heard in her voice. “If you say so. Margaret seems to be adjusting to life here in the past few days as she never did in all the years she lived here before, so I suppose anything is possible. I am probably being too hard on David. I know he is a decent fellow. It’s just that I want you to be happy.” Christy shook her head slowly, and looked up at Neil again. “I know that I will never love a man as I love you. But I cannot have you. Therefore, I will do the sensible thing and marry a decent man like David who loves me and will treat me well. We can serve the Lord together, and that will give my life meaning. I’m sure we’ll have children and that will keep me busy and blessed. I will lead a good life with David, Neil.” Her voice broke as she finished. Neil was consumed with feelings of guilt. He had done this to her with his careless affection, especially after he knew Margaret was alive. It was his fault that she was now in this state. But there was nothing he could do about it now. “I am so very sorry, Christy. I never meant it to be like this. I wish it could have been different, but we have to live with what we’re given. I believe I can have a good life with Margaret. I truly hope you can have a good life with David. Perhaps you should marry him after all.” “So I have your blessing then? It would mean a lot to me, Neil.” “Yes, Christy. For what it’s worth, you and David have my blessing,” “Thank you, Neil. I truly wish the best for you and Margaret, too. I saw her this morning. She seems like a different person. You should have seen how kind and patient she was with Ruby Mae. At least I don’t have to worry so much that you’re married to a woman who will mistreat you. Now that she’s become a Christian, I am sure it will only be a matter of time before you are both serving the Lord together.” “Don’t count on that, Christy. I’m not at all happy about her turn toward religion. I will never believe that nonsense, no matter what Margaret does. But she has a right to her beliefs, just as you do, and I can only hope it is a passing phase.” “If you feel that strongly, then it is just as well that we could not be together. As much as I love you, I love God more. David and I share that. However, with Margaret becoming a believer, I think you just might find yourself seeing things differently.”Christy seemed genuinely concerned about the state of his soul. How like her to think of such things when they were both hurting over a love that could not be. “I think it is best we cleared the air on this, Christy. Now we can move on. I can work on my marriage and you can plan yours. We will hurt for a while, but we will recover. I so hope that we can be friends for whatever amount of time is left of your stay in Cutter Gap. Do you think we can be friends?” Neil looked longingly at Christy. “I hope so, Neil. I’m not sure. David and Margaret are bound to get jealous if we spend much time alone. Maybe the four of us can do some things together.” Christy made an attempt at a weak smile in an effort to be positive. “I will talk to Margaret about it. I really do want you two to be friends, and with her new interest in religion, you will have even more in common. I have admitted to her of my feelings to some degree. It was one of the first talks we had after she returned. But she has not asked since, and I don’t intend to rub her nose in it. She is being very patient and understanding, for Margaret. I will suggest having you and David over for dinner, or something. Maybe Alice, too, to ease things for all of us. I hope I am not being a fool to suggest any of this, but I believe that only by becoming friends can we put the ‘other’ feelings behind us.” “Thank you for your courage and honesty, Neil. I could never have brought it up first, but I am glad you did. Now we can move on.” Christy reached her hand up towards his face, then quickly pulled it back. “God be with you, Neil MacNeill.” “I wish you happiness always, Christy Huddleston. I hope to see you soon. Good-bye for now.” “Good-bye, Neil,” Christy said wistfully, looking sad, but determined. She smiled more strongly this time, and Neil smiled back. He turned and walked out of the school house. Part 14 Margaret and Reverend Grantland went to the parlor. She suddenly felt afraid and distrustful of this young man. She had a hard time thinking of him as “Reverend Grantland.” Wasn’t his name “David”? He started by asking, “What would you like to talk about, Margaret? Is it true that you just accepted the Lord yesterday?” “Um, ah, yes, ah....I suppose so. Oh, dear. This is hard.” Margaret was stumbling over her words, feeling very uncertain about how to begin. The young man smiled kindly, “I know it can be uncomfortable talking to a minister when you are not accustomed to it. I am just a man. I am just David. Why don’t you call me ‘David,’ and you can think of this more as a conversation between friends?” “Thank you, David. That might make it a little easier. But it’s still hard to know where to begin. Yesterday, I did pray with Hattie and repent and accept Jesus. I felt peace and God’s love like I’d never known. But it wasn’t long before I was getting irritated with my mother and upsetting my husband, and feeling very discontent. How does being a Christian make one a better person?” Margaret asked, starting to feel that she could trust David. “That’s a difficult question, Margaret. You do have a Christian background, don’t you? I would think that growing up with Alice, you must surely have been exposed to Christian theology.” David asked. “I did my best to ignore it all my life. You admire my mother, don’t you, David?” “Very much so, Margaret. I admire the strength of her faith. She has helped me many times when my own faith has wavered. I also admire her dedication to the people here. She has taught me much. I consider her a mentor. Why do you ask, Margaret?” “You do not mind that she had an illegitimate child? This does not scandalize you?” “One mistake when she was a young girl is easy to overlook when she has dedicated her life to doing good.” “One mistake.....” Margaret trailed off. How could she talk to this man? He obviously thought her mother was some kind of saint. Margaret tried to calm the anger that was growing, but she failed. “You have no idea of what she did to me! Or maybe you do. Dan Scott is here. You must know the story of how she left me to go and serve as a missionary to the Negro settlement in Kentucky where Dan’s father was the minister. Do you think that was justified?” Margaret was shouting at David. David looked distressed, uncertain. “Margaret, please. I didn’t mean to upset you. Alice said that her parents thought it best for you to stay with them, and she went along with their advice. I’m afraid I have never thought about how that must have felt to a little child. How old were you?” “I was four years old,” Margaret screamed at him. “Four! And my grandparents were NOT kind. They barely tolerated me. They left me with a nanny, and had very little contact with me. My mother had spent nearly all my waking hours with me, playing with me and giving me lots of attention. Suddenly she was gone. The nanny was strict and I hated her. I soon drove her away with my tantrums and other misbehavior. I drove many nannies away. Finally, my grandmother had no choice but to care for me, but she did it letting me know what a very bad girl I was and giving me absolutely no love at all! My grandfather continued to ignore me as he had all my life. My world was shattered while my mother was far away helping others like a good Christian should. And this went on for four years! Do you begin to see why I developed a rather negative opinion of Christians?” David looked at Margaret with a mixture of sadness and empathy. “I’m so sorry, Margaret. That must have been very painful for you. Mothers with young children should not leave them behind, no matter what. Your mother made a very bad mistake, far worse than the one that resulted in your conception. She abandoned you. I’m sure she thought it best for you to be with your grandparents, but if they acted as you describe, I do not see how she could have left you. She knew what they were like. She should have taken you with her. She was young. She made some serious mistakes. But you have to forgive her, Margaret, or you cannot move on with your life.” “I know, David. I am just beginning to understand this concept of forgiveness. Neil has forgiven me for the horrendous things I did to him. Mother and I have forgiven each other for a fight we had when I first returned. But this other, the childhood abandonment, it goes so deep. And it is so tied to why I grew up hating Christianity. I do not know how to put it behind me. I’m sorry, David. This is not your problem. I am supposed to be seeking spiritual guidance, and all I am doing is ranting and raving about my childhood.” “No, Margaret, there is no need to apologize. All of this is completely appropriate for you to say to me. Can I tell you something about myself? I do it only to let you know that I understand a little of what you must have felt as a child.” “Of course, David.” “I was very close to both my parents, but I especially loved my father. He was a successful businessman with much work to do, but he always made time for me, to play with me after work, to teach me things, to talk to me. He made me feel so special. Then when I was eight years old, he was killed suddenly in a buggy accident. One day he was just not there. His face was badly damaged from the accident, so they laid him out in a closed coffin, and I couldn’t even see him. I didn’t believe that he was in that coffin. I didn’t understand death. I thought he had just left me. My mother and the minister talked to me about God’s will, but I was very angry, as well as very sad. I didn’t like this God that took my daddy away from me and I didn’t like my daddy for leaving. I was an angry little boy for quite a while. I know it’s not the same. My father had no choice in his death, and I did come to understand that. But I do remember those feelings of loss and abandonment, of pain and anger.” David suddenly stopped. “I never tell anyone that. I probably shouldn’t have told you, Margaret, but something in your voice, the pain of a child abandoned, brought it all back to me.” “I’m glad you told me, David. It may not be exactly the same, but it lets me know you understand some of what I’ve gone through. All of my life, I have almost never found people who understood what I was feeling. I was just always the bad girl, the one who misbehaved and was spoiled and selfish, and later I understood that I was also a bastard, and that my very existence was one of shame.” “Margaret, your existence is not one of shame. You are not to blame for your parents’ mistakes. If your grandparents and others gave you that impression, they were wrong.” David’s voice rose a little in angry indignation. “What a nice man you are, David Grantland. You are the last thing I would have expected in a preacher. I hope that we really can be friends, as well as you being my spiritual adviser.” Margaret was feeling a sweet happiness that came from the rare experience of feeling understood. “I would consider it an honor to be your friend. I think we have gotten into some deep topics for a first discussion, so why don’t I just make a brief comment on your original question, and then we can stop for now?” “That would be fine, David.” “As far a being a good person, as Christians, it is not up to us to do it on our own. We need to know what is right by studying the Scriptures, and getting other Christian teaching, but then we run into the obstacle of realizing that many times we simply don’t want to do the right thing, or we lack the strength. That is when we turn to God. We surrender our will, say, ‘Thy will be done,’ and let God do it through us. It is an act of will on our parts, and it is often very difficult, but if we let God work through us, we can find ourselves capable of things we would never have thought posssible. Does that make sense?” “I understand the concept, but surrendering a will as strong as mine will not be easy.” “It will become easier with practice, Margaret. You will see.” “Thank you, David. I hope we can talk again soon.” “I would like that, Margaret. I want to help in any way I can.” "I believe you, David. I trust you, and I don’t trust easily. Thank you for being so understanding.” "Thank you for trusting me. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better, Margaret. I hope you are planning on coming to church on Sunday.” “I guess it comes with the territory, doesn’t it? Knowing that you will be the preacher will make it easier for me to go to church for the first time in many years.” “I am glad that we have such a good rapport, Margaret. I will see you soon. Good-bye,” David said as Margaret rose. He stood and shook her hand. “Thank you so much,” Margaret said clasping David’s hand with both of hers. “I will see you on Sunday. Good-bye, David.” As Margaret walked out of the mission house, she felt encouraged. She may not know much about being a Christian, but she had just made a Christian friend besides Hattie. Somehow she would figure it out, and also figure out how to convince Neil that he needed to be a Christian. The thought surprised her. She gave a small laugh at the thought of herself as an evangelist. However, that was the answer to their disagreement, she saw now. It wasn’t simply a matter of him accepting that she was a Christian. He needed to become a Christian, too. The thought of both Neil and herself being Christians and living their marriage that way was a whole new idea to Margaret, but one that offered her hope. This might be just the thing that would make it work this time. “Thank you, God,” Margaret said, as she climbed on Clover and rode away from the mission house. Part 15 [Final Part] Neil rode away from the school house, and into the woods, to his favorite spot by the river. He had come here just three days before when his life was turned upside down. It was only five days ago that he had encountered Margaret performing at that tea house, and now they were back together, and Margaret was claiming to be a Christian. Christy was now engaged to David while professing to love him more. His whole world had gone insane. He remembered that he had wished he could believe in God the last time he had been here, wishing for the comfort such a belief would bring. Why was it so hard to believe? His mother had taught him to be a Christian. Had her death when he was a boy been the deciding factor? Neil listened to the comforting sound of the river, and thought back to his youth in this cove. So many memories flashed through his mind, brief images juxtaposed against other images creating a collage of memories that left him feeling intense emotion. He didn’t like to dwell on his childhood. There had been so very much unhappiness then, broken only by the beauty of this cove and the people whom he loved, most importantly his mother. Neil tried to sort out these many images and make sense of them. His father had not been a bad man. Yet it always seemed to Neil that his father was someone with no hope, who just plodded through his days, accepting that hardship and trouble were his lot in life. He taught Neil all of the skills necessary to survive in these mountains with a grim determination. Neil learned to hunt and saw the necessity, but he hated to kill things, and he knew his father thought him weak. His father could not read and write, and while he had not objected to Neil’s mother teaching him the basics, he always objected to Neil’s love of reading and learning that he shared with his mother. Neil was a friendly, outgoing boy with many friends. He was at home with the people of the cove, yet his mind was always questioning, always trying to figure out new things. He began to wonder if he would need to leave Cutter Gap in order to learn what he needed to discover in order to live a life that had real meaning. Neil watched his mother suffer through a miscarriage, a still birth, and the death of his baby sister from influenza when she was less than a year old. His father always said sternly that it was God’s will. His mother said this, too, but he knew how much she suffered. He suffered, too. He wanted brothers and sisters like his friends had. He didn’t want his mother to suffer the physical and emotional pain from losing her babies. He tried to be the best son possible, since he was their only surviving child. He loved Aunt Hattie, too. She was younger then his parents, and so much fun. She often sang him to sleep with her beautiful voice when he was a wee lad, and she just a girl before she married. He remembered her marriage to Tim McCabe, and how happy they had been. He remembered the joy she had from her three healthy babies, and how he envied her family and her home. When he would visit, he would find their cabin so full of laughter and love and music, and he wished his own home was more like that. Then the typhus epidemic hit. Hattie lost Tim and all three children in less than a week. He could not grasp the horror of what had happened to Hattie. She came and stayed with them for a while, since his grandparents were dead by then. His father did little to comfort his younger sister with his fatalistic talk of God’s will. His mother helped Hattie through the pain, having known loss so well herself, and somehow Hattie gathered the strength to go on. Neil often talked to his mother about God when she would teach him about the Bible. He did not understand why God allowed such cruel things to happen if he were all powerful. Why did little innocent children die and kind women suffer the loss of their babies? Why did good men die in feuds and hunting accidents, and all kinds of people die from dreadful diseases that no one seemed to be able to stop? He wanted to believe in the God that gave his mother and aunt and so many others he knew such comfort, but he never could quite understand this God. When his mother developed cancer that spread through her body reducing her to skin and bones and a mass of suffering flesh past all dignity before she finally died, Neil stopped trying to believe in any kind of God. He was fourteen years old, and he bided his time, trying to find a way to get out of Cutter Gap. He wanted to make a difference in the world, but he did not know how. He would always be grateful to the Scottish doctor who was vacationing in Cutter Gap when Neil was sixteen, and saw a bright lad full of promise, who made it possible for him to go to Scotland to college and then to medical school. Neil’s father died while he was in Scotland. He kept in touch with Aunt Hattie by mail, since she could also read and write, and she kept him informed of life in the cove. He knew that one day he would return to be a doctor to his people who had suffered badly from lack of medical care. There was no longer any thought of God in his life. He knew that what answers there were came from science. Now, as he sat by this river, at home in his cove, he knew there had always been an emptiness inside him. His work gave his life purpose, but it wasn’t enough. He had been in a very unhappy marriage for many years to a woman who hated his work and his people, and seemed to also hate herself and him. They had been unable to have children. He had thought he had lost her to drowning and had grieved greatly, despite their unhappiness together. Then he began to care for another woman, only to find that Margaret was still alive, and had betrayed him by faking her death and living a life of decadence. It seemed that he would never achieve any personal happiness, that only the successes he had in his work, the lives he saved, the research on trachoma he did, would give his life meaning, make it a step above the seemingly pointless existence of his father. It seemed, though, that the issues of God and religion would not go away. He could largely ignore the beliefs of the cove people. To him, their religious faith was one more superstition like some of the dangerous folk medicine they practiced. He knew how stubborn and proud they were, and not easily open to change, so he did what he could to heal them and hope that the truth of science would gradually replace the myths of superstition. However, these mission people were a different story. Slowly, but surely, they were making changes in the way of life and thinking of the cove people, and he could see that they were doing it in a more inclusive way than he was. The local mission was founded by a doctor, his own mother-in-law was a missionary nurse, the newest preacher was an educated man who wanted to see the cove people educated as well, and a young missionary school teacher was accomplishing that. Life was changing in the cove, and most of the positive changes came from people who saw themselves as doing God’s work. How could Margaret change so dramatically so quickly? Yet, she had only the day before embraced the Christian faith. Her changes began before her talk with Aunt Hattie, and the so-called conversion. Could it be that God had intervened, and brought her back to Cutter Gap and to him, and opened her heart to change? He could not believe he was even considering such a possibility, but it seemed time to face it, in theory, at least. Could there be a higher purpose after all? Could there be a God who loved them and was in control, and had a reason for the suffering that mere mortals could not comprehend? Could God have a Son who died and took away sins so that all who believed could have eternal life? Neil looked up at his beloved mountains, at their beauty and majesty. He listened to his river, and thought of all the beauty of this earth. His thoughts turned to his Margaret and the loving person she was becoming, the wife he had dreamed of having. He thought of Hattie and all of his friends, and knew that he loved many people, and was loved by these same good people. He had been given the intelligence and desire and discipline to become a doctor, and he had saved lives and improved the quality of many more. How much fuller could life be? Neil bowed his head and knelt on the ground close to the river. “Forgive me, Lord. I have been so arrogant, thinking I had the right to judge you, when all along your mercy has been the source of all that is good and right in this world.” Neil opened his eyes and looked up to the mountains, and knew that this creation and all the complex laws of nature were no random accident. God had created this world and was in control. Neil sobbed with joy at the the realization that he had finally found the truth. He knew what he needed to do. His mother and Aunt Hattie had told him enough times. Closing his eyes again, he prayed, “Lord, I am a sinner. I have spent my life rebelling against you and I am truly sorry. I accept the gift of salvation through your Son, Jesus Christ, as my Savior and my Lord.” Peace and joy like he had never known flooded his heart. He could not wait to tell Margaret, to share this experience with her. He mounted Charlie and rode quickly home. Neil burst through the door, startling Margaret, who was beginning to prepare supper. “What is it, darling?” she asked, and then she saw his face. Neil was not ashamed that tears were streaming down his face at the same time that he was grinning from ear to ear. He caught Margaret in his arms and lifted her up and swung her around. He could not contain the joy that was bursting forth from him. “Neil?” Margaret asked, when he set her down again, “Does this happiness have something to do with God?” “Yes, my darling. I don’t know how to begin to tell you.” Neil paced around the room, his excitement making it difficult to talk. “Take your time, Neil,” Margaret said. “Collect your thoughts. I want to hear all about it.” She smiled happily in anticipation. Neil finally felt calm enough to explain. “The events of these past few days were so overwhelming that I went into the woods to think, and my mind went to many places in my past and to recent events, and somehow it all fell into place. I saw that what was missing in my life was God. All that my mother taught me as a child and all the times Hattie tried to reach me and all the prayers people have offered for me over the years, came together in a way that enabled me to see that there is a God who loves me and created a world with meaning and purpose and beauty. So I knelt down and prayed for that God to forgive my sins and I accepted Jesus as my Savior and I guess that means that I am a Christian now, too.” Margaret embraced Neil, holding him tightly as she said, “We have both come home, Neil. All of our lives, we were both fighting the world for different reasons, never really belonging anywhere, but now we have come home. I know this has been your home most of your life, but I also know you have always been something of an outsider. And I have never really belonged anywhere. Now we have each other, but far more importantly, we have God, who can teach us how to live in our true home.” "Yes, Margaret, I see that now. Our true home is not a geographical location, but a place in our hearts which belongs to God, a place where we can experience God and his will for us. Together, we can learn how to live there, don’t you think?” “Yes, Neil. I love you so much and I thank God for his goodness in bringing us back together when we were both ready to accept his rightful place in our lives.” Margaret pulled slightly away from Neil, still holding him, but also looking into his eyes. “I love you, too, Margaret.” Neil said and reached down to kiss his wife. They stood quietly then, holding each other gently, as Neil looked toward a future that included a fulfilling marriage and a close relationship with God. Margaret was right. They had both found a place to call home. THE END