Title: CF 2001 Skit: A Christy Carol Authors of the skit: Debbie, Angela, Lisa Renee, Gap, Lisa3, Regina, Annie, Miranda And this was the cast: Lisa Renee: Stephanie B. Irene: Debbie H. Ruby Mae: Miranda Z. Leonora Woods: Colleen Margaret: Regina David: Steven S. Dr. Ferrand: Russell S. (brother of Steven) Neil: Lane B. Christy: Lisa Moo Catherine Marshall: Elaine Marilyn's husband, Don, helped set up the audio for the skit. We all had a great time putting the skit together. There was exactly one read-through with part of the cast at CF, since about half of the actors were recruited right there on the spot. The show on Saturday night was actually the first time all of the cast and crew got together. Annie ******************** CF 2001 Skit: A Christy Carol SCENE ONE: INTRODUCTION [Living room. LISA RENEE (Neil Lass) and IRENE (David Dame) are on the couch, watching the closing credits of Choices of the Heart. Lots of tissues are scattered around the couch.] LISA RENEE: [dabs face with tissue and sniffles] Oh, Irene! Wasn't that the most wonderful thing you've ever seen? [hiccups, sighs] So romantic. So sweet. So... so... [dabs face again] IRENE: You call that a wedding? Lisa Renee, I can't believe I let you talk me into watching this. LISA RENEE: What on earth has gotten into you, Irene? I thought-- IRENE: [furious, pacing and gesturing exaggeratedly] How could they! How could they have her marry HIM? I mean paa-leese! He's...he's....he's...[makes frustrated noise and throws hands up] Christy was supposed to marry David! LISA RENEE: How can you say that? I know we didn't exactly feel the same way about this, but after all, isn't it about Christy, rather than whom she marries? IRENE: We're friends, Lisa Renee, but you have your opinion and I have mine. Did you ever think of the poor preacher's feelings? Did Christy? No ma'am! This is it! I'm through with anything Christy! I'm going to unsub from the list and give away my collection of videos and books. LISA RENEE: Irene! You can't be serious. IRENE: You just wait and see! [LISA RENEE gets up from the couch.] LISA RENEE: Listen, don't do anything rashly. Sleep on it. [LISA RENEE heads for the exit, turns just before exiting the stage.] LISA RENEE: Don't give your videos and books away to just anyone. I'll take 'em. IRENE: It figures. You'll probably wear your own video out re-playing the kisses. LISA RENEE [embarrassed]: Um, well, actually, I, uh, remember someone on the list who said she doesn't get PAX TV and couldn't find the videos where she lives. I can give it to her at Christy Fest. IRENE: [sleepily] Yeah, whatever. I hope you enjoy it, because I'm staying right here. [LISA RENEE leaves. IRENE snuggles into her sleeping bag/sheets and falls asleep. Stage is darkened. Quiet for a short period.] IRENE: [talking in her sleep] Christy, don't do it. Miss Alice, tell her to stop. Bird's Eye, don't kill him. No! [RUBY MAE enters. She appears to be a dark, stalking figure. As she walks past a mirror, she glances at it.] RUBY MAE: Lordy! A haint! [RUBY MAE peers closer into the mirror, finally recognizing herself] RUBY MAE: It's me! Well, I swan, I about scared the life right outta me! [RUBY MAE tip-toes over to the sleeping IRENE on the couch] RUBY MAE [in a whisper]: Ma'am? Miss Irene? [louder] Ma'am! You gotta wake up now. IRENE: [groggy, sits up, rubs her eyes, still sleepy] Ruby Mae? Is PAX showing the movie again? [shakes her head] No, I must be dreaming. You're probably just a figment of the Chinese food I ate tonight. Maybe they put possum in it. [IRENE laughs at her own joke, a snorting kind of laugh, then tries to go back to sleep.] RUBY MAE: [shakes IRENE's shoulder] Now ma'am, that ain't nice. I'm here to warn you. [pause] How does that go again? [IRENE turns back to her sleeping bag, burys her face in the pillow.] RUBY MAE: Oh yeah, I remember! You will be paid a visit by four haints this here night. Each one will arrive upon the hour... or on the half hour, in case one of 'em's late. [IRENE gives up trying to go back to sleep; sits up and brushes back her hair] IRENE: What's this talk about haints? Is that the same as ghosts? Who are you REALLY, and what are you doing here? RUBY MAE: I be Ruby Mae Morrison! And I just done told you why I was here, weren't ya paying attention? Now, I best be leavin' so's you can get some rest, seein' as the haints'll be wakin' you up all night and all. [RUBY MAE leans close to IRENE] You best pay attention to what they be showin' you. [RUBY MAE backs away] Well, so long, I don't want to be here when the first haint shows up. They're too scary for me. Bye ma'am! [RUBY MAE exits the stage. IRENE dives back into her pillow, pulls the sleeping bag or sheets over her head.] END OF SCENE CF 2001 Skit: A Christy Carol SCENE TWO: GHOST OF CHRISTY WAY PAST [IRENE is in bed, mumbling to herself. Irene has a Breathe-Rite strip on her nose. LEONORA WOOD enters the stage and peers down at IRENE, curious about something on IRENE's face. IRENE becomes aware of someone standing near her and awakens, alarmed to see LEONORA standing directly over her and staring down on her.] IRENE screams. LEONORA: [reaching out a hand towards IRENE] Child, child...don't be afraid! IRENE: Who are you? What are you doing in here? LEONORA: Don't you remember? Ruby Mae told you I'd be coming. I'm Leonora Wood, Catherine Marshall's mother. IRENE: Huh? LEONORA: I'm the Ghost of Christy Way Past. I was the inspiration for the character of Christy. IRENE: What do you mean, way past? LEONORA: The novel, dear. You know, the primary source. May I ask [LEONORA points at IRENE's nose] what is that thing on your nose? IRENE: Something to help me breathe better at night so I don't snore [removes Breathe-Rite strip]. Wait a minute! You mean, you're HER? You're the real Christy! LEONORA: [smiles and takes the Breathe-Rite strip from IRENE] I wish they'd had these when I was alive. My husband had a good wind in the pulpit, and a good one in bed, too, I'm afraid. IRENE: That's what I've been trying to tell Lisa Renee! You married the preacher! Those PAX people got it all wrong!!! LEONORA: Yes, Leonora Wood married the preacher, but Christy Huddleston was meant to be with Doctor MacNeill. IRENE: But, but... Christy is based on your life! LEONORA: [pulls the Christy novel out of her pocket and opens to prologue] Irene, my daughter's imagination took my life farther than I'd ever gone. Catherine was so enamored by my tales of life in the Tennessee mountains -- where is that line? [LEONORA scans the pages] Here it is: she herself didn't know where fact ended and fiction began. IRENE: Well, but Doctor MacNeill was a fictional character, wasn't he? LEONORA: Yes, Neil MacNeill was a fictional character, but I can't help but wonder what I would have done if I'd had to make the choice that Christy did. Ruby Mae Morrison's wedding was fictional, too, but just look how this scene points to Christy 's choice. Look over there. It's Ruby Mae's wedding day. [LEONORA points to darkened side of stage.] RUBY MAE: [offstage] Hey, wait a minute! You mean I get hitched in the novel? Whoo-wee! I hope it's Rob Allen. [Curtain on the dark half of the stage draws back. Fiddle music is heard and CHRISTY is sitting in a chair, tapping her foot to the music. NEIL enters, eating a wedge of pie.] NEIL: Still mad at me, Christy? CHRISTY: Why, hello, Doctor MacNeill. Of course not! Why should I be mad at you? NEIL: For today I haven't the least idea. Seems like the last time we were together you ran out on me. [NEIL takes a bite of the pie.] Could I get you some pie or cake or something? [NEIL and CHRISTY continue "talking", too softly for the audience to hear.] LEONORA: [to IRENE] Doctor MacNeill was referring to a conversation he and Christy had in the schoolroom, where he challenged her regarding what she believed. IRENE: I remember that. The man's a jerk, blasting Christy's faith! It was so mean of him. I'll never forget how mad she was at him. LEONORA: Actually, Doctor MacNeill pushed Christy to think for herself, and helped her to find answers to questions she'd never asked herself before. [NEIL takes CHRISTY's hand, pulls her up from her chair and they begin to dance.] LEONORA: Let's face it, Irene. Neil might have made Christy mad, but he also made her -- I believe you Christy fans say -- he made her swoon. IRENE: He didn't make her swoon! He confused her -- she was as good as engaged to the preacher, then the doctor starts hitting on her! LEONORA: Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. Christy's heart was trying to tell her head that it wasn't David she loved. [LEONORA and IRENE watch as NEIL spins CHRISTY around with a final flourish. She lets her head fall back in a moment of joyous rapture and meets with the Doctor's eyes. She pulls her head back up and his lips brush her forehead. For a moment his arm stays firmly behind her back.] [LEONORA and IRENE sigh. They are obviously moved by watching this scene. IRENE notices she is swooning and immediately tries to hide this reaction.] [The music changes from fiddle music to Tango music. NEIL places a rose in CHRISTY's mouth, and the two begin to tango.] CHRISTY: Neil? What's all this? NEIL: [dips CHRISTY] The Tango. Remember, it's the dance that matters, Miss Huddleston. IRENE: Hey! Wait a minute! I read the book. That line wasn't in there. LEONORA: No, but it's good, isn't it? [Curtain falls on NEIL and CHRISTY. Tango music continues to play.] IRENE: Yes, but I still don't see how this one scene proves that Christy should marry the Doctor. Your daughter might have hinted in the book that Christy chose Neil, but the reader never knows for sure. LEONORA: Oh, is that what you think? We'll see if you change your tune after your next visitor. And now, you need to get back to bed, young lady. IRENE: [returns to her bed; Tango music is still playing] Speaking of changing tunes, can I have some quiet, please? [Tango music stops] Thank you! It's a good thing I didn't have another serving of that Moo Goo Gai Pan, or I'd probably have dreamed that Neil and Christy were doing the Macarena. [Macarena music begins to play.] IRENE shouts: NO! [Covers her head with her pillow] LEONORA: [covers IRENE with the blanket] Good night, Irene. Sleep tight. [Macarena music continues. LEONORA does a couple of Macarena movements as she exits.] END OF SCENE CF 2001 Skit: A Christy Carol SCENE THREE: GHOST OF CHRISTY NOT-TOO-FAR PAST [Open with IRENE tossing and turning in her sleep. She's on one side of the stage, while the other side is dark, or hidden by a curtain. The dark side has a bed (not seen by the audience yet), with CHRISTY lying in it, and NEIL seated at her side (the scene after the school fire).] IRENE [talking in her sleep]: No, Ruby Mae, I've never eaten possum ribs, and I don't plan to start now! I don't care if it has honey mustard barbecue sauce. No! [IRENE sits up suddenly, rubbing her eyes, looking around in confusion.] IRENE: These dreams are way too real. I swear I feel a mosquito bite from being out in those mountains in my last dream. I have to shake off this weird illusion -- there's no such thing as the Ghost of Ruby Mae. RUBY MAE [from offstage]: Haint! I'm a Haint! IRENE: Ghost, Haint, whatever -- there's no such thing. Besides, look at the time. Ruby Mae said the second ghost would get here at 2 AM, and now it's just past 3 AM. RUBY MAE [from offstage]: Yeah, but your watch is set to Daylight Savings Time, and we don't go for none of that highfalutin', new-fangled, city-folk stuff 'round here. IRENE: Oh, never mind! Is this second ghost coming or not? MARGARET [entering the stage]: Hold your horses, I'm coming! [MARGARET pauses to acknowledge thunderous audience applause.] Thank you, thank you very much. [to IRENE] Sheesh, you'd think anyone really cared about this Ghost schedule. I'm only a few minutes late. IRENE: You're the next Ghost? Margaret? MARGARET: Yep, I'm your friendly Ghost of Christy Past. IRENE: Again? I just had that tour. MARGARET: OK then, I'm the Ghost of Christy Not-Too-Far Past. IRENE: How far? MARGARET: The TV series. That's the only time I got to live a little -- the only time I got to live at all, come to think of it. Anyway, I just got back from a gig at the Tea House. [MARGARET flips her feather boa over her shoulder.] I had to cut short my tea-time with Uncle Bogg to get here. RUBY MAE [still offstage]: Tee-time? Miss Margaret, I didn't know you played golf. And how can you play golf at this hour of the night? Ain't it too dark for golf? MARGARET [to IRENE]: You see what I had to put up with when I was here? Can you blame me for running away? [to RUBY MAE] Go away, Looby Lou! IRENE: Umm, I think you had some purpose for this visit? MARGARET: Oh, yeah. Look, you're not really surprised that Neil was the one who ended up with Christy, are you? Even I saw that match coming. There were hints in every episode. RUBY MAE [off stage]: Except for "Just A Closer Walk," cause Miss Christy and the Doc hardly saw each other then. There wasn't hardly no swoon. MARGARET: Thank you, Swoony Mae -- now git! [to IRENE] What was I saying? Oh -- we all knew that Miss Schoolteacher was falling for Bonnie Prince Neil. I can't blame her, really. IRENE: We obviously weren't watching the same series. Christy kissed David! She had his ring! I know she gave it back, but that was just temporary, until they were both more... more... mature. MARGARET: Uh-huh. I thought the Preacher seemed pretty mature when he sat in the front row at the Tea House. IRENE: Hey, now!-- MARGARET [interrupts]: Look, arguing will get us nowhere. You're coming with me, like it or not. [MARGARET holds out her arm.] And I think you will like it. Just take hold of my feather boa. [IRENE is still uncooperative. She grabs the feather boa kind of roughly.] MARGARET: Gently, gently! It's not paid for yet! [IRENE readjusts her grip to be more careful.] MARGARET: That's better. Now, look over there. [MARGARET points across the stage, where the lights come up (or the curtain is drawn) and we now see the scene from after the school fire: CHRISTY is unconscious in bed, with NEIL seated at her side, stroking her forehead and hand. MARGARET and IRENE watch in silence for a while, until NEIL kisses CHRISTY's forehead.] MARGARET: Admit it, that was the first big swoon of the series, wasn't it? IRENE [holding her heart and sighing]: Yes. [then she recovers herself, embarrassed that she got swoony] But this only proves that Neil was attracted to Christy, and not the other way around. [The curtain covers bedside scene again. While it's still hidden, the bed is removed, and a table with tablecloth, dishes, etc., is brought in (for the dance by the river scene).] MARGARET: Good point. However, Little Miss Huddleston found out pretty quickly that she liked being with Big Strong Doctor Neil, too. Have you counted the number of times she traipsed out to his cabin -- all by her little self? And why? For some flimsy excuse like Camphor! Face it -- she wanted to be alone with him. Like I said, I don't blame her for feeling that way. IRENE: Well, I guess so. [thinking for a few seconds] Wait, she did come with Becky O'Teale that one time. MARGARET: Oh, right -- a dark and stormy night, sitting by his fireside, watching him tenderly care for a sick child, listening to his dreamy voice telling the most romantic story of love, making eye contact to DIE FOR. You're right, that wasn't the least bit swoony. [IRENE and MARGARET both sigh. The curtain is still closed, but now we hear waltz music.] MARGARET [pointing to the curtain]: And look over there -- don't tell me Teachie wasn't pretty well hooked by now. [The curtain opens to show NEIL and CHRISTY standing by the table, with the remains of the burnt chicken dinner. CHRISTY does a little flip of her hair over her shoulder, flirtingly. Waltzing music is still playing.] NEIL [bowing]: May I have the pleasure of this dance, ma'am? CHRISTY [extends her hand]: I didn't know you could waltz, Doctor MacNeill. [NEIL and CHRISTY dance around slowly, smiling at each other, "talking" too quietly for the audience to hear.] MARGARET: Don't deny it -- you were rooting for him to kiss her right then and there, weren't you? IRENE: Well, I-- No, really, it was-- MARGARET: Tell the truth. IRENE: I guess maybe a little. But they weren't ready. Or at least, Christy wasn't ready. She was just using him. And Neil knew she couldn't be thinking seriously about him as her husband. He had to know. [NEIL and CHRISTY stop dancing, and NEIL backs away a step. He looks angry and she looks shocked. The music stops. We now hear them, as they argue about Dan Scott.] NEIL: I'm not suggesting anything, I'm just saying NO. CHRISTY: But, Doctor MacNeill, I had no-- NEIL: Alice Henderson and yourself brought Daniel Scott here, and you can send him home. [CHRISTY stomps off for a few steps, then turns.] CHRISTY: You are a stupid, stubborn Scot! NEIL: And you're a rotten cook! [CHRISTY leaves in a huff, NEIL is furious, crossing his arms. The curtain covers the scene. The music stops.] MARGARET: Think about it -- if Mac wasn't thinking seriously about her, why did he get so upset when he found out she wasn't talking about herself as his Help-Mate? Huh? And why did Miss Baby-Blue-Eyes feel so guilty? IRENE: Well, I guess you have a good point there. I WAS hoping they'd -- [IRENE turns to MARGARET, hands on her hips.] Why did they tease each other -- and all us fans-- like that? MARGARET: Funny, how just when you have a good thing going, the rug gets pulled out from under you. We finally built everything up to the boiling point -- and I don't just mean Christy's blood -- and the contract ran out, and the series was canceled. IRENE: I was so disappointed! [softer] I wanted... I wanted... RUBY MAE [off stage]: Can you speak up out there? I'm havin' trouble hearin' everything. Oh, Miss Margaret, wasn't that just the MOST romantic dance with Miss Christy and Doc MacNeill? I nearly fell right down in a swoon! [IRENE and MARGARET look at each other and shrug.] IRENE [shouting in RUBY MAE's direction]: I said I wanted Neil and Christy to have a chance to tell each other how they felt. MARGARET: Good girl -- don't you feel better now that you admitted it? IRENE: I do, I really do. But I'm still not certain Christy and Neil really belong together -- I just wanted them to be honest. MARGARET: Sure, sure, if you say so. Well, it's been lovely, but it's time to get you back to your little room. You definitely won't want to miss the next ghost. [As they speak the next lines, MARGARET and IRENE move back to IRENE's bed, where she started the scene.] IRENE: Who is it? RUBY MAE [off stage]: Oh, when you see this next ghost, as sure as shootin', you're gonna-- MARGARET [interrupting]: A-HEM! Put a sock in it, Ruby Tuesday. You don't want to spoil our friend's surprise, do you? RUBY MAE [off stage]: No ma'am, I surely don't. MARGARET: All righty, then. [to IRENE] Try and get some rest, because you'll need it for the next ghost. Be ready in -- [MARGARET looks at her watch, taps it, shakes it] -- oh, say about an hour? [IRENE sits on her bed, and MARGARET floats ethereally away, flipping the feather boa around.] MARGARET: Good night, Irene. Adieu, adieu, adieu, remember me! END OF SCENE CF 2001 Skit: A Christy Carol SCENE FOUR: GHOST OF CHRISTY PRESENT [IRENE is sleeping on her half of the stage. The other half is covered, darkened.] [Open with IRENE tossing and turning on her bed. DAVID walks onstage, a rope coiled around his shoulder. Puzzled by IRENE's restlessness, DAVID approaches the bed.] IRENE [talking in her sleep]: No, no, David, don't kill him! DAVID: Kill who? IRENE [still asleep]: I didn't mean it! I didn't mean to swoon over Neil! The haints made me do it! DAVID [annoyed]: Neil MacNeill again? How many fans does the man need? And why can't he leave me any? IRENE [louder]: I won't go, David! You can't make me! DAVID [nods]: That's more like it. IRENE [suddenly sits up straight]: Hold me David! DAVID: OK, if you say so. [DAVID sits down on the bed, and puts his arms around IRENE.] IRENE [wakes up]: Oh, I was having a bad dream. Just like Christy's... [IRENE realizes she's in DAVID's arms, becomes speechless, mouth agape.] DAVID: Sorry I'm late, but Bob Allen got stranded in a wading pool, and I had to pull him out again. When I decided to become a minister, I thought life would be more like 7th Heaven, not Rescue 911. [IRENE's jaw drops, and she stares at DAVID.] DAVID: Am I in the right place? Or was I supposed to take a right at the Citgo station? [IRENE tries to talk, but can only squeak.] DAVID: Do you need Doctor MacNeill? You don't have typhoid, do you? [DAVID presses his hand against IRENE's forehead.] IRENE [gasps]: It's not a dream! You're... You're David Grantland! DAVID: The Ghost of Christy Present. IRENE: It is a dream! My dream come true! DAVID [with a winning smile]: Surprise! IRENE: Thank you fairy godmother! Oh David, I can't believe you're here. I'm your biggest fan! I have all your stuff. [IRENE jumps out of bed, drags a box over and starts rummaging through the box.] IRENE: This is an autographed copy of your famous "No one left his heart in the teahouse" sermon. Here's a pop can you drank out of, and oh yeah, this piece of your used chewing gum I won on EBAY. DAVID [smug]: And they say MacNeill's fans are rabid. Listen Irene, there's something I want to show you. Will you come for a walk with me? IRENE: He wants to take me for a walk! A moonlit walk with the preacher! DAVID: Sorry I didn't bring a horse, but we couldn't afford one on the skit budget. IRENE: I could walk to the ends of the earth with you, David Grantland! What are we waiting for? [IRENE hauls DAVID to his feet, eager to leave.] DAVID: Just hang on to the end of this rope. It's not far. Well, not very far. Oh, just come on. [IRENE gives the audience a bemused, swoony, dazzled smile as she and DAVID exit.] [The darkened half of the stage is now lit, or the sheet is drawn back to reveal a wedding scene: NEIL, CHRISTY, FERRAND and RUBY MAE with her camera, enter from the other side of the stage. NEIL and CHRISTY stand before FERRAND as he performs the ceremony. RUBY MAE is enraptured by the sight, and hovers around the trio, snapping away.] [DAVID and IRENE re-enter. The long walk has had no effect on DAVID's cheerfulness, but poor IRENE is a wreck, staggering, gasping for breath, clinging to DAVID's arm and hobbling. IRENE collapses on the floor.] IRENE: You call that a little walk??? DAVID: It's only seven miles. Besides, I thought you said you worked on your treadmill every day. IRENE [still gasping for breath]: I said I LOOKED at my treadmill every day. [IRENE is still panting, but once she sees the wedding scene, she is startled, and rises to her feet again.] IRENE: No, not again! I can't bear it. DAVID [cheerfully]: It's not so bad. After you've seen it 30, 40 times, you get used to it. FERRAND: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the bonds of holy matrimony. IRENE [to DAVID]: How can you stand here and watch? After all you've been through? DAVID: Miss Alice says there's some good to find even in the worst situations. Besides, it's kind of fun. They can't hear a word we say. Watch this. FERRAND: Do you, Neil MacNeill, take Christy Rudd Huddleston to be your wife? DAVID [calls to NEIL]: Don't do it Doc! She'll have you stringing telephone wire for the rest of your life. NEIL: I do. [NEIL gazes at CHRISTY] DAVID: Well, I hope he likes building roads single-handed. Watch, here's where Ruby Mae stops the ceremony. RUBY MAE [with her disposable camera, bumps into the couple, trying to get a good picture]: Say cheese Doc! NEIL [tries to shoo RUBY MAE away]: Not now, Ruby Mae! DAVID: He's in a hurry to get married before Christy runs away from him again. You'd figure he'd take the hint. FERRAND: And do you, Christy Rudd Huddleston, take Neil MacNeill to be your husband? IRENE: Hey, Christy! Does the name Harriet Quimby ring a bell? FERRAND: ...for richer or poorer? IRENE: Neil didn't need a kissing double with Harriet, now did he? FERRAND: ...in sickness and in health? IRENE [faking a sigh]: Poor Margaret! I guess tuberculosis doesn't count. FERRAND: ...for as long as you both shall live? IRENE: Or until you fake your own death? CHRISTY: I do. [CHRISTY smiles at NEIL] IRENE: You'll regret it! CHRISTY [sweetly, to IRENE]: Actually, Irene, I never will. [IRENE gasps. NEIL and CHRISTY give each other a loving smile. DAVID and IRENE look ashamed, having been caught. RUBY MAE snaps DAVID and IRENE's picture.] DAVID: I must have visited this wedding 30, 40 times. How come you never said anything? NEIL [shrugs]: You were having so much fun it seemed a pity to ruin it. [NEIL puts his arm around CHRISTY and the Wedding Party exits.] DAVID: I guess he heard what I said about his kilt. Oops. [calls after NEIL] Sorry about that! IRENE: Well, at least Christy never said she loved him. DAVID: Considering she just took a vow to love, honor, and obey him for the rest of her life, that's not much comfort. IRENE [in despair]: I'll never understand. You two were meant for each other! DAVID: Catherine Marshall didn't think so. And I guess in the end, neither did Christy. IRENE [angry]: If Christy's choice was so obvious, how come it took her so long to make up her mind? You courted her for an entire novel, twenty-two episodes and three TV movies. And we're supposed to believe that you lost her to Neil MacNeill in a single night? DAVID: Well, I don't know that I ever really had her. That's why I spent hours being jealous and making proposals- I knew she had feelings for MacNeill. I wasn't being fair to her. Or to myself. Viewers don't remember my sermons; they remember how I lurked in the shadows. IRENE [nods]: Yeah -- with an axe, your face glistening with sweat. and that crazed look in your eyes. [DAVID gives IRENE a warning, angry look. IRENE looks a little nervous.] IRENE: You're a good, decent man, David Grantland, no matter what the Neil Lasses say. Christy Huddleston is no better than a flossy flirt, and you're well rid of her. DAVID: Don't say that. Christy opened my heart in a way I've never thought possible and I'll always love her for that. And at least I did get to marry her in the thrown-away takes, even if it wasn't for real. IRENE: It's better to have loved and lost...? DAVID: Besides, you remember what Old Christy told her daughter at the end of the movie. I eventually recovered and we all became good friends. IRENE: Well, I'll never forgive her for hurting you like that. No, I made the right decision. No more Christy for me in any way, shape, or forum. DAVID: That's too bad, because I need your help now more than ever. IRENE [sulking]: I don't see what the point is anymore. She married Neil MacNeill. And they all lived happily ever after. The End. Who cares about the poor preacher. DAVID: So you don't care when I get killed off in fanfics. IRENE: Well, of course-- DAVID: Or when websites have red slashes through my face. IRENE: David, I-- DAVID: Or when the Neil Lasses marry me to Ruby Mae. IRENE [outraged]: Ruby Mae?!?! RUBY MAE [off-stage]: Yes, ma'am? IRENE: [to RUBY MAE] Never mind. Go back to your laundry, or possums. DAVID: Aren't I worth fighting for? IRENE: Of course you are David. DAVID [pouting]: Or maybe you don't love me as much as you say you do. IRENE: You know I do! I love you as much as... no, more than Lisa Renee loves Neil MacNeill! DAVID [smiles]: I knew I could count on you. RUBY MAE [runs onstage]: Preacher! Preacher! DAVID: What is it now, Ruby Mae? RUBY MAE: The burning bush! In front of Doc's cabin! It told me to go free the possums! DAVID: Ruby Mae, don't you remember my sermon from last Sunday: "Never trust a bush with a Scottish accent"? RUBY MAE: But Doc's left for his honeymoon with Miz Christy! They won't be back from Disney World until Tuesday next! DAVID: I guess I better check this out. [DAVID sighs] A preacher's work is never done. Irene, Christy is too good a story -- too good a habit to give up. Think about it. Sleep on it. [DAVID exits the stage with RUBY MAE. IRENE dreamily drapes herself on the sofa.] END OF SCENE CF 2001 Skit: A Christy Carol SCENE FIVE: GHOST OF CHRISTY FUTURE [IRENE is in her bed on her half of the stage. The other half is dark or covered.] IRENE [asleep]: I didn't mean what I said about Harriet, Miss Christy, honest! I was just trying to make you jealous. Please, put DOWN the pitchfork! [CATHERINE MARSHALL in a long, hooded robe (face hidden) enters and stands by IRENE, hands pressed together in front of her like a monk. CATHERINE clears her throat loudly.] [IRENE wakes up, sees the hooded figure and screams. CATHERINE removes the hood, pats IRENE's shoulder.] CATHERINE: It's just me, girl. No need to get so worked up. IRENE: You're scaring me in that spooky getup. Who, who are you? CATHERINE: [melodramatically] I am Catherine Marshall, author of Christy, wife of Peter Marshall and Leonard LeSourd -- not simultaneously, of course -- mother to several wonderful children, AND the Ghost of Christy Future. IRENE: Wow. But what's with the robe? CATHERINE: You, know, I really wanted to write Christy as science fiction, but Bird's-Eye wouldn't trade in his still for the Millennium Falcon, and Uncle Bogg didn't look good in a Storm Trooper outfit. IRENE: You can't really be Catherine Marshall; she's dead. CATHERINE: No duh. That's what makes me a ghost, you moron. IRENE: Mrs. Marshall! Did you just call me a moron? I can't believe it! CATHERINE: Well, anyone who thinks Christy should end up with David... I mean with all those hints I sprinkled throughout my novel, and the way those CBS and PAX folks picked up on them and jazzed 'em up -- didn't you get it? IRENE: I'm beginning to see your point, thanks to your friends, but why are you here? [CATHERINE puts the hood back over her head and face. Beckons to IRENE with a slow, creepy motion.] CATEHRINE: Cooooome with meeee. [Lights out. Stage is completely dark. Or CATHERINE and IRENE exit. Star Wars music plays.] VOICE [offstage]: A long time ahead, in a galaxy far, far away... It is a period of civil war. Rebel forces have won their first small battle against the evil Grantlandic Empire. A small band of Rebel warriors have stolen into the Death Cove, the Empire's secret headquarters. [Lights on. Curtain on dark side of stage is opened. CATHERINE and IRENE return to watch as a kilted Neil MacNeill creeps around warily.] IRENE: Star Wars? I thought this was a Christy skit. CATHERINE: Vader is a personal friend of mine, and he hasn't had an acting job in a while, so I thought I'd throw him a bone. NEIL: I've got to find Vader, before he takes over the Cove, that evil villain, hunting down blockaders like my friends Han Solo and Nathan O'Teale. DAVID: [appears from offstage wearing black, breathing heavily, Darth Vader style.] Looking for someone? IRENE: David?! DAVID: [Turns to IRENE.] Shut up. I'm busy. [faces NEIL again.] I said, looking for someone? NEIL: Dave Vader! It's you. I should have expected to find you lurking. DAVID: I've been waiting for you. I'm glad you finally came. It's time we settled this once and for all. NEIL: Yes, I agree. How long have we been fighting over the same woman? Feels like ages. How do you want to do this -- compete for the hand of the lovely Princess Christy? DAVID: I suggest we use sabers. [DAVID motions toward two light sabers] NEIL: [strides confidently over to the sabers] Excellent. I love cabers. [NEIL picks up the sword like it's one of those cabers from the highland games CBS episode.] DAVID: I said Sabers, not Cabers! This is not the Highland Games! You're supposed to fight with them. NEIL: Oh, right. I knew that. That was just part of my pre-duel warm-up. DAVID [strikes a fighting pose]: Shall we? IRENE: [worried] They're not really going to fight, are they? CATHERINE: [nods] To the death. RUBY MAE: [from offstage] Oooh, Lordy! They be a-spillin' mortal blood! IRENE: But we've got to DO something! [CATHERINE puts her hand up to silence IRENE.] [DAVID and NEIL begin to duel for 10 seconds. Then Hokey Pokey music plays. NEIL and DAVID do the hokey pokey, on the line "That's what it's all a-bout" NEIL pokes DAVID in the should and DAVID goes down.] DAVID: Ouch! You cut me! And in the same shoulder that Jarvis Tatum shot me! Wait! Neil [gasping for breath] I am your. . . preacher. NEIL: MY preacher? DAVID: Yes. NEIL: You're not MY preacher. I get the Billy Graham crusade on my Palm Pilot, and Charles Stanley every Sunday morning on PAX. Now come on. Let's finish this. [approaches DAVID for the kill] DAVID: Time out! [DAVID digs around in a box and pulls out a copy of the novel Christy. He quickly flips to the last page.] DAVID: Oh, man. That doesn't look too good for me. [DAVID tosses the book over his shoulder. Digs in the box and pulls out some papers.] DAVID: Fanfic. Let's see here. Nope that one's no good. [tosses it aside.] This one. Uh uh. [tosses it away.] Gee whiz. Christy and Bird's-Eye! Who wrote this one? [pulls out another] Oh good. Here we go: and Christy and David lived happily ever after. Now, let's get back to business. [DAVID and NEIL are about to start dueling again when IRENE jumps between NEIL and DAVID.] IRENE: Stop! Stop! I'll settle this once and for all, with no bloodshed. [Points at NEIL]. Eeny meanie miney mo. Catch a Christy by the toe. If she hollers let her go. Eeny meanie miney mo. [Stops on DAVID. Shakes her head slightly and continues.] And my mother told me to pick the very best one. NEIL! DAVID: Hey! I thought you were a David Dame. IRENE: I am. I just saved you life, didn't I? Let's hear some gratitude, Preacher. DAVID: Yeah, but you gave Christy to Neil. IRENE: But I kept you alive so that you can live forever in the fanfic of future generations. DAVID: Cool. IRENE: And guess what, every blue moon, someone actually writes one where Christy chooses you! [IRENE and DAVID high-five.] NEIL: Just a minute, I thought David fanfics were banned by the FanFiction Deletion Act of 2050...[NEIL scratches his head]. IRENE: The story of Christy will live on no matter what, right Mrs. Marshall? CATHERINE: Right, Irene. As long as someone cares enough to read my work, there will be an audience. Even if someone decides to have Bird's Eye marry Christy. DAVID: I don't want to hang around for that! Come on, let's find an all-night Krispy Kreme donut shop. My treat. Doc, you can even bring along your bride. [All characters exit together.] END OF SCENE CF 2001 Skit: A Christy Carol SCENE SIX: FINALE [Open with IRENE lying tangled in her sleeping bag or sheets. IRENE sits bolt upright, eyes wide, looking around.] IRENE: Daylight! Thank goodness, I thought I was trapped forever in those dreams, or visions. Whatever they were, I'm going to keep my promise to David, and stick with the Christy-list to support him and the David Dame fanfic. It's worth it all! [IRENE pulls a light saber out of the tangled sleeping bag, tosses it onto the floor, reaches into sleeping bag again; pulls out a donut; IRENE sniffs the donut, makes a face of distaste, and tosses the donut away; IRENE gets out of bed, stretches. IRENE suddenly stops.] IRENE: Wait a minute, how long have I been asleep? Was it only one night? Or did the spirits take longer? I know time runs more slowly in the mountains, but does that apply to ghosts, too? [IRENE checks her watch, flips through the calendar, grows frantic, runs around the room.] IRENE: Oh NO! Did I miss Christy Fest? Oh please, don't let me miss Christy Fest! Not after all I went through. Ruby Mae! Margaret! Where are you?! Somebody's got to help me! [IRENE's voice grows screechy and high] David? Are you there? David? [LISA RENEE runs in, toothbrush in hand.] LISA RENEE: Irene, what's wrong? Are you re-enacting a scene from "The Hostage?" [IRENE rushes to LISA RENEE, grabs her by the arms.] IRENE: Lisa Renee, what day is it today? LISA RENEE [answers slowly]: Ummm, I'm not sure. Is this a trick question? Is it Randall's birthday? IRENE: No, I mean the date. Have I missed Christy Fest? I have to know! LISA RENEE: Oh. [pause; LISA RENEE feels guilty] Look, Irene, I've been meaning to apologize for my behavior last night. I know you're a David Dame, and I shouldn't have rubbed your nose in it that Christy ... [LISA RENEE grows swoony] ... chose the most wonderful man... [sighs] ... Neil. [All characters off stage sigh loudly. IRENE coughs, and LISA RENEE snaps out of her swoon.] LISA RENEE: Sorry about that. IRENE: It's okay, but you still haven't told me if I missed Christy Fest. LISA RENEE: Of course not. I'm leaving today for Townsend. [pause] But I thought... last night you said you wouldn't go, that you were quitting the Christy-list, that you hated all the fanfic... IRENE: Yeah, well, I had a change of heart since then. LISA RENEE: That's wonderful -- what happened? IRENE: It was some dream kind of thing with Christy Far Past, and Christy Not-Too-Far Past, and Star Wars, and-- LISA RENEE: Star Wars! IRENE: Don't ask. I'm not even sure it was real-- RUBY MAE [from offstage]: Yes, ma'am, it shore was real. [LISA RENEE and IRENE both jump in surprise.] LISA RENEE: What on earth? IRENE: Look, I'll explain it all to you on our way to Christy Fest. [IRENE looks around the room] I have some packing to do. LISA RENEE: Great! Can you be ready by noon? IRENE: Sure, but I need to find a place that sells specialty foods. LISA RENEE: I guess we can find something along the way. Why? IRENE: I decided to give out Christmas possums to all my friends at Christy Fest. [IRENE takes LISA RENEE's arm and slowly leads her off stage] IRENE: Do you think we can buy them frozen and fit a bunch into our cooler? How big is a possum, anyway? What kind of stuffing goes with possum? Do you think a honey mustard barbeque sauce would taste good with possum? I wish I'd bought one of those Christy Cookbooks. [By now they are at the edge of the stage, and keep walking off as IRENE speaks.] END OF SCENE, END OF SKIT