CHRISTYFEST ‘99 COMMERCIALS "HENDERSON HATPINS" Tired of broken hatpins? Frustrated by dull points that won't poke through your millinery? Embarrassed too often by losing your hat? Well, struggle no more! Henderson Hatpins has heard your cries. [holding a technical diagram of a hatpin] With a patented new technology, Henderson Hatpins use titanium metal to provide flexibility, yet remain durable in even the most strenuous conditions. The steel-tipped points are strengthened by fire before being coated with our secret formula, which has been scientifically proven to keep the points sharp ten times longer than the second-leading brand. And Henderson Hatpins have a lovely selection of decorative ends. My name is Alice Henderson, and I am the founder and CEO of Henderson Hatpins. The company was formed when I grew tired of the havoc that cheap, poorly-made hatpins were wreaking on my professional career as a missionary. I set out to create a dependable, yet decorative hatpin. I have such confidence in this product, that it is accompanied by a lifetime guarantee. If, at any time, you are not completely satisfied with your Henderson Hatpins, you may return them for a full refund. Yes, you heard me, a full refund. For only $19.99, that's right, just $19.99, you can own a dozen hand-crafted Henderson hatpins. And if you order now, you'll also receive a package of our revolutionary new Henderson Hairpins, as our free gift to you. So order today and receive your free gift. Send check or money orders to: Henderson Hatpins 123 Alice Avenue Cataleechie, TN 37501 "RE-ELECT BOGG MCHONE" Announcer: Bogg McHone has been county squire of the El Pano District for the past 18 years. During his reign in the Cove, there have been no murder trials and only a single arrest. Uncle Bogg: "I know ever' man, woman an' puppy-dog ‘twixt here an' the North Car-lina line. An' I believe in lettin' folks settle their own problems. No sense a-draggin' in the Big Law. I say ‘if'n it ain't broke, don't fix it.'" Announcer: Full of loyalty, integrity and a philosophy of isolationism, Bogg McHone is a true representative of his highland constituents. Keep the peace in Cutter Gap. Re-elect Uncle Bogg McHone for county squire of the Old Twelfth District. (Speaking rapidly) This message has been paid for by the Friends of Uncle Bogg and the Committee to Re-elect Uncle Bogg. "ELECT NATHAN STONE" Male voice: Nathan Stone: a man of vision, a man of action, a man for change. Nathan: It's time for Cutter Gap to join the 20th century. When I am elected County Squire, I will increase funding for the school and build a community hospital near the Big Mud Hole. I also foresee a 450 acre suburban residential development, complete with swimming pools, tennis courts, cable television and a 36-hole Arnold Palmer golf course. Even now, plans are under way to extend Highway 321 from El Pano to Lonesome Pine Ridge. With that road will come tourism, commerce and something the people of this county need desperately... cash money. If you're tired of the status quo and you're ready for the Cove to become the thriving metropolis which is its destiny, elect me, Nathan Stone, to you the next County Squire of the Old Twelfth District. Male voice: Paid for by Nathan Stone and the Stone Paper Company... "We're killing trees so you've got something to write on." "2nd ELECT BOGG MCHONE" Howdy, folks. It's me, Uncle Bogg McHone again. Let me tell ye, there's trouble a-brewin' in this here Cove. That Nathan Stone varmint'll plumb ruin the Cove if'n he gets elected. He'll be a cuttin' trees and movin' dirt till thar ain't a tree to be found and the mountains'll be as flat as the level lands. An' the Cove'll be overrun with flatlanders asking: "Is there a bathroom around here somewhere?" "How many miles to Tuckaleechie Caverns?" "Can you tell me how to get to Dollywood?" Land sakes! We won't never get a moment's peace around here with all that hullaballoo. If'n you like Cutter Gap the way it is now and the way it's always been, I reckon ye better vote fer me, Uncle Bogg, fer County Squire. An' if ye don't I'll tote my rifle-gun up thar to yer place and do some re-nego-shee-atin'. Male voice: (Speaking rapidly) This message has been paid for by the Friends of Uncle Bogg and the Committee to Re-elect Uncle Bogg. "SAVE THE YOUNG'UNS" Hello, my name is Christy Huddleston. When I first came to the Smokey Mountains to teach, I knew that the families here were not wealthy; but it didn't take long for me to discover just how poor they truly are. Most of the children don't even own shoes. And those who have a pair save them for Sundays. [holds up a pic of Mountie] Just look at Mountie O'Teale. Her family can't even afford a button for her hand-me-down coat. "What can I do about that?" you ask. By becoming a Save the Young'uns sponsor, you can help the children of Cutter Gap, Tennessee look forward to a brighter future - for just $29.99 a day. Meet Creed Allen. [Hold up a pic of Dr. MacNeill working on Creed from Green Apples ep.] This energetic young boy almost died from scarlet fever last year. If not for the life-saving medicine donated by compassionate sponsors like you, Creed would not be with us today. And Becky O'Teale. [Hold up pic of Becky having her eyes treated.] She is currently being treated for trachoma, a terrible eye disease that runs rampant here in the mountains. She is the recipient of new cutting edge medical treatments. Sponsors like you have brought light to a child in darkness. Don't you want to be a part of the life-changing activities taking place here in the Cove? For only $29.99 a day, that's right, $29.99 a day, you can help the children of Cutter Gap like Mountie and Creed. Help them grow up strong; give them hope. If you call now 1-800-588-6345, that's 1-800-LUV-NEIL, you will be assigned to a child here in Cutter Gap. A unique and special youngster will write you monthly. Through his or her letters, you will see what a difference you are making in your child's life. Your contributions will be specially designated to help your child receive much-needed medical care, nutritious food and an education. So please, call today. Don't wait another minute. A child is waiting . . . hoping. You may send your checks to: Save the Young'uns c/o Dr. Jacob Ferrand Cutter Gap Mission, Cutter Gap, TN Won't you call today? (She smiles. Someone says "Cut! That's a keeper!" offstage.) Didn't Dr. Ferrand just build a mansion in Palm Springs? "IDA & FAIRLIGHT'S LYE SOAP" IDA: Hello, I'm Ida Sweetwater. FL: An' I'm Fairlight Spencer. IDA: As women living in the mountains of Tennessee, we are faced daily with a mountain of chores. FL: An' them chores pile up faster than a coon dog on a fresh scent, and they pile up taller than one of Uncle Bogg's tales. IDA: In order to keep up with it all, we've got to be very efficient. So that's why we invented Ida & Fairlights' Industrial Strength Lye Soap. FL: It'll get rid of dirt that's jest a-thinkin' ‘bout staining yer clothes. IDA: Our lye soap will remove dirt stains, grass stains, blueberry stains, persimmons stains, blood stains, manure stains and moonshine stains. FL: Any kind o' stain. Our lye soap'll lick it good. IDA: That's because our soap is made with the perfect blend of only the finest animal fat, fresh mountain spring water and lye. Observe. [Ida pours 2 cups of water into a bucket.] FL: That's too much water, Ida. [FL pours lye into the bucket.] IDA: I always use 2 cups of water. Fairlight, that much lye will burn a whole right through the clothes! FL: I always use this much lye. Us Spencers been makin' lye soap since afore yere great granny ever sailed acrost the sea. I'm a-tellin' ye, ye got to add more lye! [Ida & FL fight over the bucket.] Male voice from offstage: Remember ladies, the cameras are rolling. [The two drop the bucket and give fake smiles to the camera. Ida pats her hair.] IDA: Remember, for a consistent cleaning, use Ida and Fairlight's Industrial Strength Lye Soap. "POSSUM HELPER" (This one was mistakenly taped over, and therefore could not be aired.) Kid: Mom, what's for dinner tonight? Mom: Possum stew. Kid: Possum stew again? We had that last night! Announcer (a glove with a smiley face appears from behind the table and "talks"): Is your family getting tired of the same old meals? (Mom nods vigorously) Well, help is on the way! Possum Helper will add some spice to your worn out dinner menu. Just brown a pound of possum, add Possum Helper (a box of Possum Helper appears on the counter), and voila!... a meal that is sure to please even the most discriminating critic. (Mom is serving it from the frypan onto the plates of her family, forks in hand. Kid takes a bite.) Kid: Wow, Mom! This is great! Can we have it again tomorrow? Mom: (looking at the camera, holding the box of Possum Helper) Thanks, Possum Helper! "BIRD'S-EYE TAYLOR'S NON-ALCOHOLIC BREW" (Performed by the "real" Bird's-Eye Taylor, Mike Hickman) Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Why, jest the other day, ole Nathan O'Teale was plumb full o' corn squeezin's. Comin' back from El Pano, he done drove his horse an' wagon clean off God's Fist. Lucky fer him he landed in the Spencer's bee gums. Came out with two broke arms an' a hunnert ‘n fifty two bee stings, but Doc MacNeill said he shoulda been dead. Waaaal, I got to studyin' on this considerable. There's some folks that jest plain like the taste o' white lightnin' a-slidin' down their throat. But we don't need no more folks havin' axi-dents like ole Nathan. So I come up with a new way to brew my corn squeezin's. (Takes a swig from the bottle, makes a sour face) Aaaaah! Now that thar'll put some hair on yer chest, even if ye are a preacher! (Takes off his hat and feels to see if any hair has grown up there. Mike improvised that and it was HILARIOUS!) And it don't have a single drop o' liquor. I call it Sunshine ‘cuz its moonshine, but it ain't. So next time you an' the boys go out fer a night at the El Pano Tea House, be shore that one of ye, the one drivin' the wagon, takes along some of my Sunshine Non-alcoholic Brew. Don't need no more folks drivin' off mountains. Law! We lose plenty enough folks to typhoid fever, feudin', trees fallin' on people's heads an' such. So try a little bit o' Sunshine today. Ye ken come on up to my place, or they're a-sellin' it at the Cutter Gap Mission House, too. Jest a nickel a bottle, an' if ye return the bottle ye get two cents back. (Puts his hand to his mouth and whispers to the camera) An' if'n ye're a-wanting the real thing, I'm a-sellin' that too, but don't be tellin' the Big Law, ye hear? (Holds up the bottle and smiles) Sunshine....... it's moonshine that ain't. "U.S. POSTAL SERVICE" (Ben Pentland with a hug wad of tobacco/bubble gum on one side of his mouth. Places his right hand over his heart and clears his throat). Neither rain, nor snow, nor heat, nor gloom of night will stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. That's right... nothin' stops the Yooo-nited States mail. Nothin' a-tall'll stay these couriers. Couriers... that's me. My job didn't used to be so all-fired difficult, but then the gov-ment decided to offer 2 day sarvice anywhares, for the real low price of $10.99 an ounce. Nowadays, I got to be hoofin' it all over these here mountains to far-off places like Cutter Gap, Cataleechie, Raven Gap and the likes. Talk about gettin' bo-daciously tired out! Waaaal, nothin's goin' to stay this here courier. Been lollygaggin' round here long enough. Best be hittin' the road. Six letters to deliver... ain't it a wonder? (As he exits) Yooo-nited States Mail! CHRISTY'S CRISPY CHICKEN "You know, since coming to Cutter Gap, I've had my fair share of meals where the main course was something that I never dreamed people actually ate before I lived here. In fact, I think it would be accurate to say that possum and squirrel are my primary sources of protein these days, especially when Ruby Mae is doing the cooking. But every now and then, I get a craving for baked chicken just like Mother used to make...well, sort of. I recently made the discovery that blackened chicken is much healthier for a person. Everyone needs a certain amount of charcoal in their diet, and Christy's Crispy Chicken is the perfect way to get your recommended daily allowance. Why, even Dr. MacNeill agrees that undercooked food is one of the primary causes of gastrointestinal disorders! Now, Christy's Crispy Chicken is available to you in your grocer's meat case. And it's so easy to prepare! Simply place it in the oven and go about your business. You even have time for a bath while it's baking. Don't even bother to watch the clock...remove it from the oven when smoke fills the kitchen, and voila! dinner's ready. It makes a perfect dinner when paired with my blackberry cobbler." (Christy takes a bit of blackened chicken and smiles while chewing). VOICEOVER: Christy's Crispy Chicken...it's finger-lickin' good, and that's a good thing since we all know trachoma is spread through dirty utensils. End scene: Possum next to sign which reads "EAT MOR CHIKIN" and VOICEOVER: Please, save the possums! Eat more chicken.