CF 2000 COMMERCIALS SCOTTISH BROGUE FOR BEGINNERS BOOKS by Gap Characters: David, Ben Pentland, Announcer Props: Book entitled "Scottish Brogue for Beginners", another book wrapped in brown paper packaging DAVID: Hello, my name is David Grantland, and I'm here to introduce an exciting new product. Gentlemen, how many times have you asked yourselves the question, "What do women see in Neil MacNeill anyway?" He's everything they shouldn't want: a mountain man with messy hair and a bad temper. He can't make them happy...but he does! Well, I've discovered the secret to Doctor MacNeill's success, and I'm ready to share it with the world. (DAVID holds up a book entitled) Scottish Brogue for Beginners. It's sold by the Accent for Heroes company, here in Knoxville. For only $19.95 plus shipping and handling, anyone can pick up a brogue, without going to medical school in Scotland. I guarantee that if you're not talking like Doctor MacNeill within thirty days, Accents for Heroes will give you a full refund. (DAVID pauses, then continues.) You might be wondering if I'm worried about the Doctor's unfair advantage with Christy. Well I'm not. Unlike Neil MacNeill, I know that there's only one way to a woman's heart... (BEN enters the scene.) BEN: Hello, United States Mail! DAVID: Mr. Pentland, you're just in time. BEN: Got a package for ya Reverend from over Knoxville way. (DAVID unwraps the package to reveal a book.) BEN (reading title of the book): "How To Speak Australian." (BEN looks at DAVID) That some kind of preacher talk? DAVID: It very soon will be. Thanks Ben. (BEN leaves) DAVID (smugly to camera): We'll see who Christy chooses next season. ANNOUNCER: This offer not available in stores, so order now while supplies last. Don't let it get away! OVER YONDER STEAKHOUSE by Debbie Male voice sings: OverYonder Steakhouse! (Neil and Bird's-Eye are sitting on some cabin steps when Neil's cell phone rings.) Neil: Sure send >em over. (Hangs up. Then to Bird's-Eye) We've got some folks coming over. Bird=s-Eye: Why don't we build us a fire? (Show footage of Dan Scott's cabin burning.) Bird's-Eye: Whose house was it anyway? Neil (laughing and shaking his head): I don't know! Male voice: OverYonder Steakhouse. . . No shirt, no shoes - no problem! MACNEILL'S FAST FOOD RESTAURANT by Debbie Run the OverYonder Steakhouse commercial, then: Neil: But if OverYonder Steakhouse prices are outside your budget, just traipse on over to MacNeill's fast food restaurant where you can get two of our county-famous Big Mac burgers, a supersized order of sauerkraut, and a forty-nine ounce mega-jug of our special Mountain Dew for only two pounds of flour or one bushel of beans. No cash-money required. By now you may be asking yourself, what exactly is a Big Mac burger? Well, I'll tell you. Girls, hit it! Ruby Mae and Zady sing: Two all squirrel patties, special sauce, sauerkraut, cheese, pickles, persimmons, on a cornbread bun. (Neil bites into a burger.) Mmm, mmm! Tastes just like chicken. And MacNeill's burgers have no fillers. We use only natural ingredients with no artifical flavors or pre-servatives. So come on over to the plaid arches today to order your Big Mac Value Meal. And if you order a Young'un Peart Meal, you'll receive a wooden moonshine mountain man or Revenooer action figure absolutely free. (Ruby Mae and Zady sing: Did somebody say... MacNeill's? Show a sign saying that too.) CREED ALLEN'S PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT by Debbie Creed Allen holding stuffed raccoon. Howdy thar, folks. My name's Creed Allen, and I'm here to tell ye about the bad things what ken happen to ye if ye fool with tobaccy. Take it from me - I know. Like the time I was sneakin' a puff o' rabbit tobacco and burnt down Dan Scott's cabin. I like coon tobaccy myself, but seein' how I was out that day, I snuck a bit o' Doc MacNeill's bunny rabbit tobaccy. Then there's the time Sam Houston was smokin' some Singer Lee tobaccy and his maw come up on him real quiet like from behind the clothesline, and he swallered the whole thing. Why, that boy was a coughin' for a week. Said it took nigh on three days for it to pass thru 'im, and it burned like hell-fire itself all the way down. Doc MacNeill's done told me more'n once not to never start a-smokin'. Says ye cain't quit once ye start to likin' it. Reckon thar's hope fer me yit, seein' as how I been sneakin' smokes for a good while now and I still turn green as the Cove in the spring time. Doc says tobaccy's got somethin' in it called... Ovaltine, I think it is, that gets ye stuck on it. He says that the longer ye smoke, ye got to switch what kind of tobaccy ye use so's you're getting more Ovaltine. Doc's been smokin' so long, he uses Great White Buck tobaccy and that's the strongest kind thar is, other than some kind called Camel tobaccy, but I ain't never seen that kind here in the Cove. That's what folks what live in the desert smoke. (Puts his hand to his mouth like he's telling a secret) I done told all this to Miss Christy when I caught her takin' a pinch of blackened chicken tobaccy behind the schoolhouse and she went off and cried. Reckon she'll quit? Shorely do hope so seein' as to how she's the best teacher in these here parts. Fact is, she's the onliest teacher in these here parts. Would hate to see her move to SaudyRabia cuz she needed some o' that thar Camel tobaccy. Would hate to see you go too. So if'n ye're a smart 'un, and I reckon you are, you won't never start with no tobaccy, take it from me, Creed Allen. This-here has been a public service announcement sponsored by Teens Against Tobacco. GOO GOO BARS by Debbie (Christy & Fairlight standing on the porch) Christy: What kept you awake, Fairlight? Fairlight: I had this dream. Christy: A nightmare? Fairlight: No, it's the best dream I ever had. I was out walkin' in the woods, and I seen this quail, and it was like she wanted me to follow her, so I did. To this place I'd never been. And when I got there, all my worries was gone. Christy: Why? What did you find? Fairlight: I don't know. That's what I don't remember. I stayed up all night trying to recollect. I think I can find the place where I frst seen the quail. All morning, somethin's been tellin' be to go there. Would you care to take one last walk with me? Christy: I wouldn't miss it. (Christy & Fairlight walking in a meadow) Fairlight: This might be it, I don't know. We've come so far; maybe I just want it to be. Christy: (points to a bird) Fairlight, look! (They run across the meadow, laughing. Fairlight reaches the tree first and starts picking GooGoo Bars, which have been previously stapled to the branches.) Fairlight: I've never seen so many grown in one place afore. Christy: Do they taste good? Fairlight: Yeah, when they're ripe like this. You can make breads and preserves and jams and all kinds of things that people can eat... or sell... to rich folks in Knoxville at Christmas time. Christy: There's enough here for the whole Cove. All we have to do is organize the women. Fairlight: Just like manna from Heaven. Off camera announcer: GooGoo Bars, feeding America since 1912. GRANNY BARCLAY'S VIT-A-MAZIN' PASTE by Debbie Howdy folks. My name's Granny Barclay, and I'm here to tell ye 'bout the best thing to hit the Cove since sliced bread (and that was jest three years ago). You know, folks 'round these parts tend to get a bit on the skinny side. What with nothin' to eat but sauerkraut, cornbread, and a squirrel here and there. Well, usin' my medicinal know-how, I come up with a way to fatten 'em up without hardly any cash-money a-tall. I call it my Vit-a-mazin' Paste. And we're testing it now to see if'n it'll holp wimmin keep their young'uns from comin' out liver-growed. Doc MacNeill's been givin' it to every gal-woman in the Cove that's carryin' a young'un. I reckon we'll get the results in oh, say nine months. Anyway, Vit-a-mazin' Paste is made with a nutrifyin' blend of my secret herbs and spices. All ye have to do is spread it on yer cornbread at least once a day, and ye'll be set fer life. (Spreads some on a piece of cornbread) Mmmm, mmmm. And it even tastes good! Aunt Hattie likes it so good she even writ a song about it. Why don't ye sing it fer the folks, Hattie? Hattie: Well, all right. (Sings to the tune of Amazing Grace) Vit-a-mazin' Paste, how sweet the compound That saved an old gal-woman like me! I once was thin, and starvin' Was blind, (takes off the glasses and looks around blindly) ..... well, I still can't see. And if you order now you'll also get a bottle of my new Granny-tol supplements, absolutely free. They're made special fer us old folks. Granny-tol supplements come in capsules (holds up a capsule) or these purty little gelcaps. When ye call, be shore to let us'uns know everwhich ye want. To order, call 1-800-328-4663, that's 1-800-EAT-GOOD. BIRD=S-EYE FROZEN VEGETABLES by Allysen This here is Bird's Eye Taylor, I be the founder of these here Bird's Eye Frozen Veggie tubbles. (Or however Mike thinks Bird's Eye would pronounce it.) (Bird's Eye holds up a package of mixed frozen vegetables and points at it.) I found out that there's a better way fer me to use my corn. Why, when I mix it in with some beans, peas and carrots, growed right here in the Cove, wal it shorely makes a right tantalizin' side dish to go with any critter. 'Course I don't have time to grow those veggie tubbles myself, I've heaps more important things to do. Did ya know that we done got ourselves a ice house here in Cutter Gap now? (He leans towards the camera, looks around and lowers his voice.) But 'hit ain't like the ice house the preacher always talks about. You know the one where he thinks your spirit is kept 'til the Judgement Day trumpet sounds and then 'hit gets swept up to heaven. (He sweeps off his hat, lays it on his heart and looks upward and then clears his throat, straightens up and resumes his normal voice). No siree Bob! This here ice house keeps the ice cold that was took off'n the pond itself when it done froze up last winter. And at least the law ain't called everytime someone eats them veggie tubbles like they was when them thar pigs were a-drinkin' my moonshine. And ya know I don't know a better way to keep my moonshine cold than to pack it around with my frozen veggie tubbles. Anyways, I had to think me up a new business seeing as how that Sunshine, non alc-yholic brew wasn't making me no cash money a-tall. Remember my Sunshine, non alc-yholic drink, Moonshine, but it ain't? Well, I done got me another business. Bird's Eye Frozen Veggie Tubbles. (he points to the bird's eye on the package,) See thar, my own endorsement! (He points to his own eye, winks, smiles and points to the camera.) You'll know 'hit's the best thing there ever was when you see the bird's eye there. And remember, there's nothing like something to drink along with my frozen veggie tubbles, if'n you run out of 'shine, why you just come along to my house, I'll fix you up quicker than white lightnin=. Wal, never mind, you just come along now, ya hear? MISS IDA'S SWEET APPLE PIE-DA by Debbie Clarence Sweetwater is sitting at a table eating pie and singing AIda Sweetwater Apple pie-das, Sweeter than all I know.@ Ida: My husband absolutely loves my pies. In fact, all of Cutter Gap loves them. My apple pie has won top honors in the Cove's annual pie contest four years running in all categories: flakiest crust, sweetest apples, smoothest flavor, and stickiest filling. And now (walks toward oven), I'd like to offer my delightful pies to you. (Opens oven door, pulls out a pie, closes her eyes and sniffs) Mmmm! Can't you almost smell the delightful aroma? Ida Sweetwater Pies are available in the freezer section at your local grocer. In addition to apple, we've got blackberry, blueberry, cherry and..... orange. (Leans into the camera and says in a lowered voice:) I had to create an orange pie, seeing as how my husband owns an orange grove. It's tasty enough, but what a hassle it is peeling a dozen oranges for just one pie! And it takes a week to get that stuff out from under my fingernails. (Leans back from camera and resumes normal voice) So visit the freezer section today and look for Ida Sweetwater Pies. You won't be sorry. Clarence (singing): Ida Sweetwater Apple pie-das, Sweeter than all I know! FAIRLIGHT'S PSYCHIC HOTLINE by Gap FAIRLIGHT: Hello, my name is Fairlight Spencer. Ever since I was a little girl, I've had a...knowing, about things that ain't happened yet. People say that I have the second sight, like my Granny Allen. Now I ain't sayin' it'll work all the time. But if you call now, I'll do the best I can to help you out. For fifty cents a minute, I reckon that's a fair deal. (FAIRLIGHT becomes businesslike). Who's my first caller? RUBY MAE's voice (excited): Oh Miz Spencer, I've been wonderin', will Rob Allen and I ever get hitched? FAIRLIGHT: Rob Allen will marry a famous cook. RUBY MAE's voice (ecstatic): Oh Lordy, that's me fur sure! Preacher always said he could chew on the same cut of my possum tenderloin for a week. Miss Alice, it's your turn. ALICE's voice (stern): Ruby Mae, I told you that I do not believe... RUBY MAE's voice (coaxing): Oh Miss Alice, it'll help Miz Spencer out. And you're always saying that we should help others... ALICE's voice (hesitating): Well. Mrs. Spencer. Doctor MacNeill has received news from Margaret lately. I cannot...will not pry into another's letter. But I must know, is Margaret alright? FAIRLIGHT: She's bringing happiness to many men uh people. (winks at the camera and snickers) ALICE's voice (joyful): Praise heavens! Margaret has found a purpose in life at last! RUBY MAE's voice: Miz Christy! Go on you try! CHRISTY's voice: Fairlight, do you know...which man is the right one for me? FAIRLIGHT: Let me ask you a few questions. Who's the last person you think about when you fall asleep at night? Who's the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning? Who makes your blood boil...? CHRISTY's voice (annoyed): Well at the moment you do! I thought I was the one supposed to be asking the questions! (Hangs up) FAIRLIGHT: Well two out of three ain't bad. If you be wondering whether the child you're carryin' is a man-child or a gal, or if the corn crop'll be a good'un this year, you just give me a holler at 1-900-263-7483. That's 1-900-2nd-SITE. And remember the call costs 50 cents a minute. And if you ain't got the 50 cents, just go on down to the Kung Fu Chinese Restaurant in El Pano and get you a fortune cookie. MARGARET'S ALBUM by Debbie My Life: A Tribute to Margaret Henderson MacNeill Harland. This talented and eclectic artist lived hard and died young. Our album paints a picture of her life and the trail of havoc and destruction she left behind wherever she went. As you listen to the music, you will travel through the tumultuous life of Mags, from her troubled teenage years to her struggle to understand the people around her. You will hear hit classics like "Quaker Woman's Daughter" and "Rebel without a Clue," "Is There Life Out There," "Hot Child in the City," "On the Road Again," and the original hit which was recently re-released by Lee Ann Rimes, "Big Deal." And who could forget the song that rocketed her to the top of the 1912 victrola charts: "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Husband." Over 30 of Margaret's greatest hits will provide you hours of angst and disruption. This one-of-a-kind record set is not available in stores, so order yours today. And if you call now, you'll also receive an additional album containing a heart-rending performance by Margaret's mother singing "How do you Solve a Problem Like My Daughter?" This bonus album also features several duets with Margaret and her ex-husband including "I Will Always Love You" and the hit that rocked the traditional community with its original release "You Don't Bring Me Mountain Laurels." Also included on this delightful bonus album is Mags' arch-rival and bosom buddy, Christy Huddleston singing "Stand by Your Man." Cost of this delightful collector's set is only three monthly installments of $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Operators are standing by. So call now; this album will only be offered for a short time. Call 1-800-MAGS-ROX, that's 1-800-Mags rocks. A portion of the proceeds will be used to fund the treatment and cure of tuberculosis. POSSUM HELPER Kid: Mom, what's for dinner tonight? Mom: Possum stew. Kid: Possum stew again? We had that last night! Announcer (a glove with a smiley face appears on the counter): Is your family getting tired of the same old meals? (Mom nods vigorously) Well, help is on the way! Possum Helper will add some spice to your worn out dinner menu. Just brown a pound of possum, add Possum Helper (a box of Possum Helper appears on the counter), and voila!... a meal that is sure to please even the most discriminating critic. (Mom is serving it from the frypan onto the plates of her family, forks in hand. Kid takes a bite.) Kid: Wow, Mom! This is great! Can we have it again tomorrow? Mom: (looking at the camera, holding the box of Possum Helper) Thanks, Possum Helper! DAVID GRANTLAND'S PRIVATE DETECTIVE SERVICE - I CAN LURK WITH THE BEST OF THEM - by Michelle Opens with David hunched over a tape player wearing those big old headphones, trying to hear a garbled conversation. He then presses the 'stop' button and looks up at the camera. Are you tired of not being able to make out other's conversations, especially from a distance? Are you frustrated with the fact you cannot be everywhere at once, thereby missing an important piece of information? Then we are the company for you! (Holds up sign, with information which he reads.) Lurkers 'R' Us will help you all of your eavesdropping needs. Whether you want a voice activated tape recorder, or a highly powerful video and audio recording system, we are the place for you! Call our toll free number - 1-800-EYE-LURK - and we will send you our catalogue full of products and information to help meet your needs. All calls are confidential, and the catalogue is free of charge. (Pointing again at sign) Remember, that's 1-800-EYE-LURK. So don't miss another important conversation -- call today! (David presses >play' key on tape player, and following conversation now heard clearly.) Neil: I'm going to Low Gap for a few days. . .will you miss me? Christy: What? Neil: I said, you'll have to take care of Lundy while I'm in Low Gap, do you think you can manage? THEME SONGS THE SPENCER CLAN Here's the story of a man named Spencer Who was living with a cabin full kids John and Zady, Clara, Lulu & the Least'un When Fairlight died they almost hit the skids. Here's the story of a gal named Opal Who was living with a houseful of her own How could they all survive without their daddy The stiller Tom McHone? Till the one day when old Jeb started courting Opal and they knew that it must be God's plan That this group could somehow form a family That's the way they all became the Spencer Clan! KINNIGAN'S ISLAND Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful hike That started in El Pano, one morning at first light. The guide was a burly mountain man; his nephew's name was Neil. Five doctors went on foot that day to see what they could kill To see what they could kill. (thunder) The weather started getting rough; the tiny group got soaked. If not for the courage of the fearless guide, they all would've croaked They all would've croaked. The group wound up on the porch of Miz Tatum=s boarding house With Kinnigan MacDougall too Doctor Paget and the guide A man named Starr, the professor and a young lad Here on Kinnigan's Isle! BEVERLY HILLBILLIES THEME SONG: (Beginning) Just listen to a story 'bout a man named Jeb A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed And then one day he was walking through the trees When he stumbled on a hive of buzzin' bumble bees Honeybees that is, makin' liquid gold. Well the next thing you know, old Jeb's built him a hive and now, praise the Lord, he'll keep his family alive And Fairlight will serve him his favorite honey treat Honey covered cornbread, ain't nothing quite as sweet Delicious that is, best in the Cove. (Ending) Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Jeb and all his kin They would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in You're all invited back again to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is, set a spell, take your shoes off Y'all come back now, hear?