Title: "The Secret" Author: Miranda Summary: Yet another attempt to resolve the cliffhanger last episode of "Christy"....You're probably all sick of reading about attempts to resolve this, but I needed to at least have a go at it. It was therapeutic for me and as good a place as any to start attempt writing my first real fanfiction. So bear with me, I've got some interesting ideas for this story that you will hopefully like. :) Let me know what you think and if the story reads ok on your computer. Disclaimer: The beautiful tale of "Christy" was written by Catherine Marshall, and is owned by the Marshall and LeSourd families. The following work, based on the characters and places created in "Christy", is written for my own enjoyment and I have no intention of financial or otherwise gain from it. "The Secret" Chapter One Christy's parents had guided her through childhood and adolescence, but nothing could have prepared her for the choice thrust upon her that day in Cutter Gap. She stood like a chess piece, tall and proud, strategically placed between two men who had awakened feelings and emotions in her that went deeper than anything she had ever known in her young life. Their friendship meant everything, but her one word response to David's silent plea, the ultimate check-mate, could irrevocably destroy the world that she had made for herself as a teacher in Cutter Gap. She searched in vain for an answer that would preserve that world, knowing in her heart that the search was hopeless, but searching all the same. Having just proposed to her, David merely stared intensely at Christy, confident in her answer. Glancing warily at Neil sitting astride his horse David knew that the Doctor's presence had something to do with Christy's silence. Before Margaret had made her appearance in Cutter Gap, David had worried that Neil might have romantic intentions towards Christy. While he had seen the two of them argue countless times, he had also seen and resented the intensity of their growing friendship. But after it was revealed that Neil's wife was still alive, David had silently rejoiced as his last obstacle to gaining Christy's love was removed. Believing it to be only a matter of time before Christy recognized her love for him David had promptly sent away for the engagement ring which Christy now held in her hands. Neil, astride his horse sat anxiously watching Christy's face. He knew that Christy had seen the parting embrace he had given his resurrected wife Margaret, he had seen Christy slip away into the forest and felt compelled to come to the mission to explain. But to explain what? Certainly he had loved Margaret once, or at least thought he loved her. But now, watching the small frame of the schoolteacher on the brink of accepting David's proposal of marriage, Neil felt such a rush of intense emotions, the likes of which he had never felt before, he was staggered and frightened by them. Could not define them, or was too afraid to accept the consequences if he did recognize them for what they were. How he wished he could rush to Christy right now and tell her that he had never really loved Margaret, how could he have loved her, he hadn't known what love was until....He wanted to tell Christy that it was finished between him and Margaret, that whatever love they had held for one another had died long ago amidst his failure as a husband and Margaret's lies and adultery. But in the end, it was what he would leave unspoken in this imaginary conversation that would be the loudest, that he was and always would be a married man...Inwardly Neil groaned, he was beginning to regret ever having come, feeling quite the fool, perched atop his horse, interrupting what could be the most important moment in these two young people's lives. Memories of his own proposal to Margaret eight years ago flooded over him suddenly.... They had been trying out a pair of bicycles Neil had bought second-hand. Shakily they navigated the roads of Philadelphia, getting the hang of the contraptions, but soon Neil, youthful and care-free became more adventurous. He began boasting arrogantly to Margaret that his bicycle could go faster than a horse, or even one of the new fangeled automobiles puttering up and down the streets. Margaret goaded him on by coyly protesting that such a feat was impossible, naturally Neil set out to prove her wrong. Pedaling furiously he quickly outdistanced Margaret. Shouting to pedestrians to clear the road as he jolted around buggies and noisy automobiles, his curly hair whipped around his face and he laughed to the wind. Looking back at Margaret who had become a speck in the distance, he lifted a hand to wave to her, which threw him off balance. He tried to apply the breaks but they had long been rendered useless by his increasing speed. Gripping the handlebars so hard his knuckles turned white Neil gritted his teeth, his brow furrowed as he concentrated on the road ahead. Suddenly the front tire of the bicycle hit a large rut and Neil was thrown head-first over the handlebars landing with a giant splash. He stood up, sputtering and gasping for breath to find himself standing in the middle of a horse's watering trough. He shook his head and when his eyes cleared, was surprised to find himself in the middle of a great crowd of people who had been attracted by the commotion and were now laughing at the young bedraggled medical student standing knee deep in water and surrounded by wide-eyed snorting horses. Their laughter was joined moments later by Margaret's distinctive laugh. Still in the watering trough Neil joined in their laughter as he slogged to her side. He was so enraptured and inspired by the utter happiness and mirth on Margaret's face that he had sunk impulsively to one knee with a splash, proposed to her on the spot and they were married within a months time. < Grimacing slightly to himself, Neil marveled at the contrast between such a happy memory and the rest of his marriage to Margaret. Despite the impulsiveness of his own proposal, it had been special. The memory of it was even more special, one of the few happy times during his ill-fated marriage with Margaret. He had stored its memory away in the back of his mind, bringing it out only on special occasions. During the years following Margaret's "death" the memory had become the entirety of their marriage to him so earnest was he to play the loving and grief-stricken husband. He now recognized their marriage for what it was and blamed himself in large part for its failure. He blamed his failure as a husband for driving Margaret away, making her resort to faking her death in order to leave her husband and Cutter Gap. If only he had recognized her obvious unhappiness with life in Cutter Gap, had made more time for her and not constantly put his work above the health and well-being of his own wife. Certainly his patients needed him, but she had needed him too and he could have balanced his life better and made time for her. He recognized how cruel and insensitive he had been now, but there was nothing he could do to change the past. The only thing that mattered to him was the present and the two young people standing before him. He knew how special a marriage proposal was, and David had obviously planned this one out very well, having sent away for the ring, intending to present it to Christy in front of the school that meant so much to her. Neil resented David's presence, but knew he had no claim to Christy's attention. In fact he had no claim to any part of her at all, she was a friend, a confidante, and nothing more...other thoughts, memories of a chance meeting with Christy near his cabin one night, her gentle fingers pushing back a lock of his hair, dancing... shaking his head to clear it of the memories, Neil practically growled outloud to himself. He pushed the memories back, neutralizing them with one overriding and irrevocable fact...he was a married man and there was absolutely nothing he could do to change that. Despite all of his past faults as a husband, he was bound by law, by honor and by guilt over his past actions, to maintain his marriage to Margaret as best he could. Margaret had suffered enough in her short life and he firmly resolved that divorce would not be added to that list. Christy stood between them, logic demanding that she accept David's proposal of marriage. It was the safe choice. She liked him after all, he was good and honest, he loved her, and he loved God. But if this kind of logic had held any sway with Christy Huddleston, she never would have left the security of her city home to come to Cutter Gap and teach in the first place. So, she did what any sensible girl who cannot read her heart would do, she walked away. Without a backward glance at David's gaping mouth, or Neil's smile of relief, she quickly strode back towards the mission. Feeling a tug on her sleeve suddenly, she looked down to see Little Burl, out of breath from having chased after his determined school teacher. "Be our learnin' done fer the day Miss Christy?", he asked. Too overwrought for words Christy nodded before fleeing to the safety of the mission house. ********************************************************************** summary: This story is yet another attempt to resolve the cliffhanging last episode of "Christy", in this chapter Neil finds a letter from Margaret. You guys will notice that I'm incorporating a lot of the ideas etc. generated in our debate about love, I don't mean to plagarize what anyone wrote in that discussion, I'm sorry if I do, they were all such good ideas and helped give me some insight into the characters.... Disclaimer: The beautiful tale of "Christy" was written by Catherine "The Secret" Chapter Two While David was initially surprised at Christy's lack of response, after some thought he silently berated himself for his lack of sensitivity. A proposal of marriage should be done in private to relieve any pressure or confusion. David needed an explanation for Christy's silence. His other proposals of marriage to her had been flatly refused, Christy's silence now gave him hope but it also confused him. He needed a reason for her silence and decided that Christy must have felt embarrassed to answer in front of the children, maybe she was even a little bit confused by the presence of the Doctor. David smiled to himself, satisfied with his explanation. He decided to give her some time and space. Whistling to himself he spun around on his heel and bounded up the schoolhouse steps to take over the now teacherless school for the day. Neil felt relief, but relief for what? That Christy had refused the preacher, that maybe...just maybe his presence there had influenced her decision and maybe Christy cared for him more than he thought. He was married. The words echoed in his head. He had lived as a widower for all these years, bitter and resentful at a world that had taken away his wife, angry at a world filled with gunshot victims, poverty, children blinded by trachoma, suffering, and death. When Christy came to the Cove a glimmer of hope had begun growing in him, stunted sharply by Margaret's abrupt return. He could not turn off the feelings that had begun to grow for Christy, they must die of their own accord but he had to help them along, and chasing Christy to the mission house was definately not helping to discourage whatever feelings he might harbor for the young schoolteacher. He had to accustom himself to the fact that he was again a married man, regardless of Margaret's decision to stay in Cutter Gap or not. He knew that if Christy cared for him as more than just a friend that it would only cause her pain and suffering and he did not want that. But for the briefest of seconds, while thinking about the influence of his presence on Christy's confusion and silence, Neil silently rejoiced and it was as if a ray of sunlight had breached the bulwark of his carefully constructed defenses. Watching her silently rebuke the preacher and walk, stiff-backed back to the mission, bravely suppressing the tears he had seen forming in the corners of her blue eyes, Neil felt a gentle tug at his heart and his resolution to uphold his marriage vows were overpowered momentarily by a desire to rush after Christy and comfort her. But just as quickly reality slowly sank over him, and giving his horse a gentle nudge he reigned him around and slowly plodded home to his wife. When Neil arrived home, Margaret and her trunks were gone. Neil sighed, hoping that she had used the train ticked he'd bought her for the experimental clinic in Boston, but knowing in his heart that she was more than likely on her way back to Atlanta. He was surprised to find a note labeled simply "Mac" lying on his kitchen table, typically Margaret didn't leave notes, so content was she with letting her actions speak for her. Neil unfolded the letter and scanned over Margaret's flowery handwriting: Dear Mac, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one last time. I should have done this in person but didn't have the courage. I need you desperately to come to Atlanta. It is urgent that you go to this address as soon as possible, it will explain a lot. Please Mac, for the happy times, although they were few, grant a dying woman this one last wish. Yours, Margaret An Atlanta address was neatly written at the bottom of the letter. Neil sighed, more than likely Margaret simply needed money. "Why couldn't she have just asked me?", he muttered to himself, she was normally so forthright. Scowling, he read over the note again. Margaret could be terribly manipulative and selfish when she had a mind too. Neil had no doubt that Margaret knew that he would give her all the money he had in the world if she asked. Doubtless this was also a ploy to get him out of Cutter Gap and into an environment that she controlled and was familiar with. But the note did seem quite sincere, Margaret was not one to beg or be polite and what did those words "it will explain a lot" mean? Neil shook his head angrily, unwilling to give Margaret the benefit of the doubt after all these years. He knew he was duty bound to go to Atlanta but didn't relish the thought of leaving the cove, his patients, or, he admitted to himself, a certain young schoolteacher who had said neither yes or no to David's marriage proposal. The memory of the happy day when he had proposed to Margaret flitted across his mind, and he knew he had to go. But he had to go with an open mind, he owed Margaret that. As a husband he had ignored her and put his work first, this one time he would put her first and at least try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Reasoning that the faster he left, the faster he could return home, Neil quickly packed up what he would need and after stopping at the mission for a quick word with Alice and Dan Scott, he set off for the train station and Atlanta. ********************************************************************** summary:This story is yet another attempt to resolve the cliffhanging last episode of "Christy" in this chapter Christy learns of Neil's departure for Atlanta. and now...."The Secret" Chapter Three When Christy awoke the next day she was as confused as ever. She liked David and knew he would be a good husband, but she didn't love him. Hadn't her own mother told her that love in marriage often came in time....David was far better than any of the men she had encountered in Asheville, or would likely encounter anywhere else for that matter...except for, and here her mind struggled to grasp what her heart already knew...except for Neil MacNeil. Why did thoughts of him continue to torment and prevent her from accepting happiness with David? Dr.MacNeil was married. Perhaps if she were married to David it would be easier to accept this truth. Perhaps if she married David, the powerful surge of confusing emotions she felt whenever the Doctor was near, or his name was merely mentioned, would subside. Her mind still not made up, she quickly changed her clothes, brushed her hair, splashed some water on her face and wearily went to breakfast. At breakfast David was nowhere to be seen, having intentionally eaten earlier so Christy would have time to work things out in her mind. Miss Alice joined her at the table and after watching Christy push her food around her plate, finally said, "Thee normally has a healthy appetite for breakfast, is thee not well?" "I'm fine," assured Christy. "It's just...", she stuttered. "Thy future is troubling thee.", finished Miss Alice smiling. "Yes, but how did you know?", Christy blurted out. "Over a dozen witnesses, including the ever talkative Ruby Mae is hardly the recipe for a secret.", replied Miss Alice. "And," remarked Miss Alice, "thy eyes do have a habit of revealing thyself." "I like David...", began Christy tentatively, "but I don't think I love him, I mean... but I don't really know what love is do I? How does anyone really, and even if I don't, I could learn to love him couldn't I?", said Christy in one long breath, her sentences and words stumbling over one another in an attempt to get all that she'd been thinking about out in one breath. "Maybe I do love David, but than there's," she stopped suddenly, gasping at the sudden revelation which her mind had naturally stumbled upon in her confusion about love. Slowly there was awakening in Christy a realization that Neil MacNeil had something to do with her reluctance to marry David. She was horrified. Neil was a married man...married to Miss Alice's daugther no less, hurriedly she looked at Miss Alice to see if that wise woman had guessed what she was thinking. But Miss Alice merely smiled, thinking that the poor, confused girl before her was simply gasping for breath she took the opportunity to speak. "Miss Huddleston, I cannot speak for thy heart or thy mind, thee must work these things out for thyself. When thy heart and mind are in harmony with one another, thee will know. God has a special plan for thee, Miss Huddleston, and has only just begun to reveal it through thy acts as a school teacher here in Cutter Gap, trust in that Miss Huddleston, and the rest will take care of itself.", patting Christy on the shoulder she left Christy alone with her thoughts and her uneaten breakfast. But Miss Alice's response confused her even more, which was unusual, for Miss Alice's advice usually filled her with such a sense of peace. But if Miss Alice was right, and God would guide her, the best thing to do would be to pray, and after thinking for a moment Christy said outloud, "Dear God, I know that you have a plan for my life, but how do I know if accepting David's proposal and becoming his wife is part of that plan? I am confused and alone Lord, I have feelings for David, but am also just beginning to realize that I have feelings for...someone else as well. Lord, I have trusted you in the past, and I ask for your guidance now. Amen." "It won't talk back ye know.", boomed a voice suddenly from the doorway. Startled Christy looked up to see the mailman, Ben Pentland smiling down on her. "Mr.Pentland, I...I didn't hear you call...what won't talk back?" "Yer possum omelette ma'am, looks to me like its deader than a doornail and I ain't never heard no possum talk anyways", he said. "Reckon ye didn't hear me on account o yer talkn, only heard the last bit now and I have to say ma'am," he said scratching his head, "never heard of no possum guiding no person no how." Laughing for the first time in what seemed like days, Christy replied, "I was praying Mr.Pentland." He nodded his head and grinned than thrust a handful of mail at her. "What do you reckon I ought to do with this here mail addressed to the Doc?" "Why, deliver it to Dr.MacNeil, I suppose," replied Christy. "Yes ma'am, but I done talked to Miss Alice outside and she said the Doc's up and gone to Atlanta." "What?!?", cried Christy. Reasoning that perhaps the young schoolteacher was hard of hearing Ben Pentland shouted loudly, "MA'AM, THE DOC'S TOOK HIMSELF TO ATLANTA. MISS ALICE DONE SAID HE'LL BE GONE FER A SPELL, DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW FOR HOW LONG, MAYBE FOREVER." "Mr.Pentland." "MA'AM?", he shouted. "MR.PENTLAND, I CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE." "Sheesh ma'am, no need to holler....", he said, jumping at the unusual volume of her voice and taking a step back. "Mr.Pentland", she interrupted, "who told you that Nei..I mean Dr.MacNeil might stay in Atlanta?", asked Christy trying to keep the surge of panic she felt rising in her throat at bay. "Well now.", said Ben Pentland, scratching his head, "It weren't Miss Alice, no ma'am. I reckon no one told me that exactly...", he admitted. "but I figured that with his wife gone..." "Gone?", asked Christy, "Mrs.MacNeil is gone?" "Yes ma'am, now it was Miss Alice that told me that.", he said. "And I just figured, with Mrs.MacNeil gone, and the Doc going, that he was going to jine her in Atlanta." Christy nodded, too stunned to speak and surprised at how much the mere prospect of the Doctor's leaving the cove affected her. Her reaction was even more of a surprise given the questionable source of this news. Neil might be gone, but surely not for good, he wouldn't leave his patients and his home. Maybe he had gone to Atlanta to patch things up with Margaret, or maybe he really was gone for good. She must talk to Miss Alice. "But he..he wouldn't leave his patients...", Christy managed to sputter. "No, I don't reckon he would...", said Ben, stroaking his bewhiskered face in bewilderment. "But thar's always Dan Scott. Folks are finally acceptin him, and with the Doc gone, well I reckon folks won't have no choice on the matter. A doctor's a doctor ma'am." Christy could only manage to nod, it did make some sense. "Well ma'am, I guess I'll leave the Doc's mail here. I'd best be movin on, dutys calls" he said, and was scarcely out of the door before Christy heard the all too familiar cry, "Yooonited Staaates Maaiiiill!!" Christy's emotions were already in such turmoil that she couldn't think straight and her imagination began to get the better of her. She stood up and went to the doorway. The sky and the trees, even the school house looked different somehow, and Christy wondered if bad weather was coming, she looked up at the sky in confusion. But the sky was blue and the sun was shining. Than she realized what it was. For the first time since coming to Cutter Gap she was looking at the prospect of a world without Neil MacNeil. The world looked different, but the world moved on, and so, reasoned Christy, must she. ********************************************************************** summary: This story is yet another attempt to resolve the cliffhanging last episode of "Christy". Miss Alice is called away from CG and David is offered a job. Hopefully somebody is reading/enjoying this story, I promise that the action will pick up a bit, just bear with me while I set the scene:) end of chapter three: Christy nodded, too stunned to speak and surprised at how much the mere prospect of the Doctor's leaving the cove affected her. Her reaction was even more of a surprise given the source of this news. Neil might be gone, but surely not for good, he wouldn't leave his patients and his home. Maybe he had gone to Atlanta to patch things up with Margaret, or maybe he really was gone for good. She must talk to Miss Alice. "Well ma'am, I guess I'll leave the Doc's mail here. I'd best be movin on," he said, and was scarcely out of the door before Christy heard the all too familiar cry, "Yooonited Staaates Maaiiiill!!" Christy's emotions were already in such turmoil that she couldn't think straight and her imagination began to get the better of her. She stood up and went to the doorway. The sky and the trees, even the school house looked different somehow, and Christy wondered if bad weather was coming, but the sky was blue and the sun was shining. Than she realized what it was. For the first time since coming to Cutter Gap she was looking at the prospect of a world without Neil MacNeil. The world looked different, but the world moved on, and so, reasoned Christy, must she. "The Secret" Chapter Four Standing on the porch, Christy was startled to see Miss Alice racing across the yard, waving her hands and yelling. "Miss Huddleston! Miss Huddleston!", she cried. "Get my medical bag. I was on my way to visit Dan Scott when I ran into Joseph Baxter, he'd come all this way to fetch the Doctor, apparently there's been a mud-slide on the railroad tracks and a train derailed. Dr.MacNeil has gone to Atlanta if he hasn't been held up by the wreck..." Christy shook herself out of her revere and was back in a flash with Miss Alice's medical bag. "Good-bye Miss Huddleston.", cried Miss Alice, already mounting her horse. "God bless!", yelled Christy to Miss Alice's retreating back. Christy could see the children in the distance and realized that it was time to start classes. Walking towards the school house, Christy heard foot-steps behind her. She stopped and was nearly run over by David. "Christy I..." he stuttered. Christy resumed walking, David matched her stride, "Christy, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you in such a difficult position with my proposal, I shouldn't have done it in front of the children...I want you to know that you have all the time in the world to decide. I don't want to rush you Christy.", he said, than stopped and grabbing her by the shoulders and spinning her around so she was facing him, "But I love you Christy Huddleston.", he said resolutely. "...and that's...well that's all I...I have to say.", he stuttered. Breaking free from his grip, Christy nodded but said nothing and continued to walk towards the school house, leaving an increasingly optimistic David behind her. Christy somehow got through the day. She spent part of the day worrying about Miss Alice and the train derailment, part of the day trying not to think about David's proposal, and the last part trying not to think about Neil leaving Cutter Gap. After dismissing the children Christy saw David waiting for her outside. "Christy we need to talk.", he said seriously. "I know David," she replied. "But I'm just not ready to give you an answer yet." "I know I told you that you had all the time in the world to decide but...", he gestured for her to sit down on the school house steps and sat down beside her. "I received a letter today.", he said. Christy said nothing, waiting for him to continue. "Christy", he said, looking directly into her eyes. "I've been offered a position in a large church in Boston. I am happy here, but this is such an opportunity, quite unexpected, and I think it could be right for me, that I could be happier there, that *we* could be happier there.", said David excitedly. "But David, I can't leave Cutter Gap...the children need me too much. They need you, the people here need you...I need you here David...", Christy's voice trailed off. "Christy", he said soberly, "They need an answer by the end of the week." Taking Christy's hands in his own, he went on, "Christy I love you, and I want you to be happy. If you marry me," he emphasized by squeezing her hands, " I'll do whatever you want...We can move to Boston...or I can turn down the position and we can stay in Cutter Gap, for a while...whatever you want But if...", David dropped her hands and looked down, as if by avoiding her touch and her eyes he could prevent her from turning down his proposal. "I understand David.", said Christy. "I'll give you my answer by the end of the week." ********************************************************************** summary: Neil and Christy have a confrontation. "The Secret" Chapter Five The rest of the week went by quickly. Miss Alice had not returned yet, and there was no word from Dr.MacNeil. With Miss Alice gone, Neil in Atlanta, and Fairlight gone to visit her sick mother, Christy felt alone and afraid, with no one to discuss her problems with. But this was no excuse to put off thinking about what she would say to David at the end of the week. She knew David cared about her. He must love her a great deal too if he was willing to give up what had to be any preacher's dream of having a large congregation in a respectable town like Boston. She liked him, and she thought she could grow to love him eventually. He was a good man, a decent man, far better than most. But there was Neil, Christy now acknowledged that she had some sort of feelings for him that extended beyond friendship, and thought he had feelings for her as well. But he was married, he was in Atlanta with no word on his return, and he did not believe in God. As the week drew to a close Christy knew she had to give him an answer. Miss Alice arrived at the mission late the next afternoon. "Miss Alice," said Christy, helping the obviously weary Miss Alice off of her horse, "I am so happy to have you home. How did things go?" "Thank you Miss Huddleston.", said Miss Alice removing her hat and hatpin, "There were many lives lost, but many more saved...thanks most especially to the skills of Dr.MacNeil...who is right behind me, his horse is a bit lame I'm afraid...", she said. "But I thought he was in Atlanta...", said Christy. "The train was held up on account of the train-wreck...", said Dr.MacNeil who had finally ridden up. Dismounting he ran his fingers through his wild windblown hair, "They won't have the tracks cleared until sometime next week, Ben Pentland promised to bring word.", he said yawning noisily. "Now if the two of you will excuse me," said Miss Alice, "I am in dire need of some sleep, and so is thee Dr.MacNeil. Thee is welcome to stay at the mission tonight." As Miss Alice stumbled off to the mission Neil turned to the horses, preparing to unsaddle them, but Christy gently pushed him away, "I can take care of the horses, you need to sleep." "Aye, I thank you," said Neil, stepping away from the horse. He started walking back towards the mission when he stopped suddenly and quickly strode back to where Christy was busy unsaddling his horse. Grabbing her hand harshly, he held it up, David's engagement ring glinting in the waning sunlight. Laughing maliciously he said, "So you're going to marry the preacher Miss Huddleston...or should I say Mrs.Grantland?" "Yes.", said Christy trying to avoid looking into his eyes, she tried to turn back to the horse, but Neil wouldn't let go of her hand. "Look at me." he demanded. Christy struggled to break free from his iron-like grasp, "Neil", she protested. "Christy, I've got to say this now, I'm too tired to care, and it's got to be done." he said, his voice weary but resolute. "We've become friends you and I....and I care...," he cleared his voice and continued in a voice so low that Christy stopped struggling to break free from his grasp, straining to hear his thick Scottish brogue, "I care deeply for you...and...", he said, unconsciously looking to the heavens as if to gain strength. Margaret had been gone for so long, and despite her reappearance, a part of Neil had cried out that even though she was alive, their marriage was dead...how easy it would be to slip back into the role of the widower and be able to freely declare how he felt for Christy here and now. But he knew that once the words left his lips, their friendship would never be the same. This deep friendship that they shared had come to mean more to him than he cared to admit, after Margaret had died, he had thrown up a wall around himself, vowing never to let himself care that much for anyone again. But as he came to know Christy, to argue and debate with her, and to care for her, that wall that he had so meticulously constructed, had begun to crumble. He didn't want to sacrifice that friendship, he didn't want to resume his bitter vigil in the darkness behind that wall...but the knowledge of David's proposal and her acceptance was enough to push him over the brink of reason, and it was taking all of the strength he had left in him not to tell Christy how he felt about her. Christy could tell what he wanted to say by the look in his eyes. She couldn't allow him to say the words, couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes when she rebuked him, as they both knew she must. "Christy...", he began slowly. She held up her hand to ward off the words, "You are a married man Doctor MacNeil," she declared formally. Releasing her from his grip, Neil recoiled as if she had slapped him. He knew he was married and was not free to love another, but the heart does not always obey mortal laws and he loved the young girl standing before him. He knew that now, knew that he had always loved her. Seeing the ring, so blatantly displayed on her finger had aroused in him such a fury of emotions that he could scarcely control himself. He knew he was selfish and wrong for wanting her to care for him as much as he cared for her, for wanting her to avoid a marriage which he knew in his heart to be wrong, but he couldn't help himself. He didn't know what he had expected her to say after he confessed his love for her, but her cold declaration of his marital status froze his confession of love in his throat. He looked at her and squinted his eyes, the anger he felt at Margaret, at himself, and at the world now directed at the small girl standing before him. "I want you to be happy Christy...", said Neil. "But do you even love David?!", he shouted, flinging his hands up into the air in disgust. "How *can* you love him!", shouted Neil, leaving unspoken the words which he so desperately wanted to say. "Doesn't your God want us both to be happy?" he asked helplessly. But Christy was by now too overwhelmed to respond to his accusations, and doubted that the words existed which would comfort the pain and grief that radiated from his eyes. Neil knew his pleas were helpless, one word from her would have silenced him forever, but as it was, her silence only allowed his tirade to continue. "Well good riddance.", said the Doctor as the raging inferno of emotions boiling inside of him threatened to boil over. Stepping away from her and spitting into the earth he continued, "We don't need you here, never did. You and the preacher with your meddling ways, you'll be better off living the high life off in the big city, and I'll live here, *with* *my* *wife*.", he spat the last three words out at her, each word like a bullet wounding Christy's heart. Silent tears coursed their way down her cheeks, the only reaction she could manage at his outburst. Neil stopped, realizing that he had gone too far reached out his hand to brush her tears away but Christy jumped away at his touch. Dropping his hands to his side, his shoulders sagging in defeat, Christy and Neil stared at one another, their eyes locked. It was Christy who broke the spell, turning around and quickly walking back to the mission. "Marry him if you will. ", shouted Neil after her, his voice cracking, "But the heart is a wild thing Christy Huddleston...it will not listen, it will not love or refuse love on command, believe me, I know, and you'll lead a miserable lot in life if you try to make it...Christy!", he called. She turned around. "Christy, I...", but he didn't know what to say, didn't know how to make her come back to him. He he reached out his empty hands to her, willing her to run and fill them with her embrace, but she shook her head and continued back toward the mission. "Tha Gaol Agam Ort!!", he called out, his agony not disguised by the lilting Gaelic words floating across the air. Christy turned and hesitated, than shook her head in confusion over the meaning of words quite foreign to her, and continued walking. Kicking the dirt angrily Neil mounted his horse and galloped furiously off to his cabin. ********************************************************************** summary: Christy updates Miss Alice on what has happened in her absence from the cove...I'm not going to tell you what else happens in this chapter, it would wreck it:) read on and tell me what you think! "The Secret" Chapter Six Christy ran up the mission stairs, practically running over Miss Alice who, although being too far away to hear their exchange, could tell that Neil had upset Christy terribly. Christy struggled to get past Miss Alice, but Miss Alice held her tightly in an embrace, gently stroking her hair and murmuring gentle nonsensical words to calm the trembling girl in her arms. Christy wept on Miss Alice's shoulder until she was weak from the effort. After helping her to a chair Miss Alice stood before Christy and in her Quaker like manner, patiently waited for her to speak. Christy, aware that Miss Alice was Neil's mother-in-law thought carefully before offering an explanation. Hesitantly, in short gasping hiccouping breaths, Christy told Miss Alice about David's prospective job in Boston, about her decision to marry him and about Neil's skepticism about her love for David, leaving Miss Alice to conclude for herself that this was at the root of Christy and Neil's argument. Miss Alice nodded her head thoughtfully, "I know Neil MacNeil is thy friend, but he can be an emotional and stubborn man at times, often not thinking before he speaks. Thee must remember that he is weary after his journey...", Christy nodded in agreement, realizing the stress that Neil had been under in the last few days, she slowly began to forgive him for his malicious words. "He only wants you to be happy Christy. And so do I.", said Miss Alice meaningfully. "I know Miss Alice. I know.", said Christy. Miss Alice placed a hand on her shoulder, "Marriage is a sacred commitment made before God and should not be entered into lightly, it should not be rushed...not under any circumstances Christy." Miss Alice looked at Christy, hoping that her simple words would be enough to make Christy reconsider what she considered a hasty decision. Miss Alice laid her hand on Christy's head, issuing a silent prayer for her, "Good night Miss Huddleston.", she finally said. Christy nodded, already too deep in thought to reply in kind. She sat at the table for what seemed like hours, slumped wearily in her chair she drifted in and out of sleep, Neil's words echoing over and over again like a chorus in her head. All of a sudden Christy was wrenched from her restless sleep by an abrupt pounding on the door. "Wake up! Christy, Miss Alice!!",yelled a voice. Christy rose to her feet and had just reached the door when it was flung open before her, revealing a frantic Dan Scott and Jeb Spencer supporting a lifeless body between them. Christy gasped as the two men rushed past her, revealing the identity of the man as an unconscious, Doctor MacNeil. Hurriedly Christy brushed the few dishes left on the mission table onto the floor with a crash. Dan Scott and Jeb Spencer laid his limp body out on the table while Dan began rattling off medical supplies he would need. Christy stood frozen in place, staring at Neil's battered body. He had a terrible gash on his head and his body was badly burned, but he was so dirty and covered with soot that she couldn't tell how serious any of his injuries were. In looking at him from a distance, she thought that most of his clothing had been burned away, but upon closer examination Christy saw that much of it had been burned into his flesh. "Come Miss Huddleston.", said Miss Alice who had been awakened by the breaking dishes. "Christy. Help me!", said Miss Alice urgently, her wavering voice giving away her shock at seeing Neil's injured body, she cupped Christy's elbow and led her to the stove. Christy began boiling water and helping Miss Alice gather supplies and than stood back, letting Dan Scott and Miss Alice minister to Neil's injurys. Dan Scott began putting healing compresses on Neil's burns while Miss Alice deftly shaved off all of Neil's hair so they could ascertain and stitch up the wound on his head. Christy stood, rigid with shock, watching Neil's curly locks of hair fall gently to the floor. She sobbed silently to herself, remembering a time when she had pushed back just such a curl in the cool glow of the moonlight. To Christy, it was as if each curl were a part of Neil that was now lost to her forever, quickly she fell to her knees and gathered one perfect curl into the palm of her hand. Carefully, as if handling fine china, she placed the lock of hair into her pocket and than, burning tears coursing down her cheeks she rose to her feet and looked around for Jeb, hoping to get some answers, but he was nowhere to be seen, which was strange. The people in Cutter Gap cared about each other deeply, so much so that when there was an injury practically the whole cove assembled to offer their help and support. Finally, after hours of meticulous work, Dan Scott sighed wearily and stood back. "I've done all I can, it's in God's hands now.", he said solemnly and all three stood in silence, their mutual prayers mingling and floating up to heaven in a single appeal to God to spare the life of this man who meant so much to all of them. Finally Christy asked, "What happened?" ********************************************************************** summary: Dan Scott relates the cause of Neil's injuries. "The Secret" Chapter 7 Dan Scott gently covered Neil with a quilt before looking wearily at Christy. Miss Alice pushed a chair in his direction, he nodded his thanks and collapsed into it. Folding his arms wearily across his chest he began to answer Christy's question, "His cabin was on fire. I couldn't sleep on account of the heat and had gone outside for a breath of air when I saw flames shooting up in the distance. Well I took off running and yelling for help. Mr.Spencer heard me, and after sending his youngens for help took off for Doctor MacNeil's cabin. We wrapped our jackets over our heads and found the Doctor lying not too far from the door-way. A large part of the burning ceiling had fallen on him...by the time we got him out folks had already formed a bucket brigade down at the river by the Doc's place. I reckon they got the fire under control, but Jeb and the Reverend went back to make sure." Just than David stumbled through the door. He was soaked through with water but he smiled wanly, "We put the fire out, no damage was done to any other cabins but Doctor MacNeil's cabin is gone...", his voice trailed off when he noticed the Doctor's battered body spread out on the table. "How is he?", he whispered. "He's a strong man, and I reckon he'll live.", said Dan Scott. "Some of the burns are severe, we won't know how bad hurt he is until he regains consciousness...it's hard to say when he'll wake up though, on account of his head. The real danger now is infection. I will tell ya'll plainly, if the wounds become infected, there's gangrene and...", Dan could not speak the possibility. An atmosphere of dread and silent waiting descended on the mission and spread throughout the cove as news spread of the Doctor's injuries. People from Cutter Gap began congregating outside the mission around dawn, shifting their feet and waiting for news of their 'Bonnie Prince'. Finally Uncle Bogg, self appointed spokesman, tapped tentatively on the mission door. Miss Alice answered, dark circles under her eyes she seemed to have aged considerably over the last few hours. "Ma'am.", said Uncle Bogg, taking off his hat and twisting it nervously in his hands. "How is he ma'am, how's the Doc?", he asked. Miss Alice smiled sadly, looking out at the twenty or more people, many of them children, gathered outside the mission. "He's still unconscious. We really won't know the extent of his injury's until he wakes up. He would be pleased I think, to see all of you here...his friends, and family.", she said, looking at Neil's Aunt Hattie. Miss Alice was thankful that someone had been kind enough to notify her of Neil's injuries and lead her to the mission. "Hattie, thee may sit with him for a while if thee likes. I'm afraid the rest of you will have to wait until he is better." They nodded and Miss Alice carefully led Hattie up the mission steps and into the spare bedroom that David, Dan Scott, Christy and Miss Alice had carefully carried Neil into. Miss Alice led Hattie over to Neil's bed, "He has burns all over his body, some very severe...it's best you don't touch him, but if you'd like to sit with him for a while.", said Miss Alice. Hattie nodded, "I can hear his breathing.", she whispered, "Might be I'll sing him a song...he took sick once when I was watching him and I sang to him, he surely did like that..." "I'll leave you than," said Miss Alice with tears in her eyes. She closed the door, muffling Hattie's voice which had already risen in song. Dan Scott moved a cot into Neil's room and remained there for the first few days, changing Neil's bandages hourly and applying healing medicines to his badly burned body. Neil ran a violent fever the first two days, and it took all of Dan's strength to gently restrain the Doctor's feverish motions and ensure that his bandages stayed in place. Initially he limited visitors to himself and Miss Alice to guard against infection. But as the Doctor's unconsciousness stretched into more than a few days, Miss Alice insisted that Dan teach others how to change the bandages and apply the medicines so that they all might take turns in keeping watch over him. While some of the wounds showed early signs of becoming infected, Dan Scott wearily agreed to teach David, Christy, and Fairlight how to care for Neil as long as they took care to keep the room absolutely sterilized. People from Cutter Gap and even a few people from Low Gap arrived daily at the mission to enquire after Neil's health. But to Christy, Neil's well- being became an all-consuming obsession. After his fever broke, she spent nearly every waking minute keeping vigil at his bed-side, often taking her meals in his room and falling asleep there in her chair. Initially everyone in Cutter Gap was puzzled at the constant attention that Christy paid the Doctor, but they had seen how much Christy cared for everyone in Cutter Gap and were just as quick to dismiss her constant attention as her compassionate concern for someone in need and nothing more. Soon the improvement of Neil's health became all that mattered in Christy's life. She became morose and withdrawn, speaking to no one save for the silent and sometimes spoken prayers that she offered up to God on Neil's behalf. She blamed herself for Neil's predicament because she needed to blame someone, to have some reason, some explanation for why such a terrible thing had happened to Neil, and she couldn't bear to blame God. Neil's brush with death and the possibility that he still might be removed from her life forever had awakened in Christy a love that was more powerful than anything she had ever known before. She knew now that the love had always been there, but that she had been too frightened to acknowledge it, too afraid of rejection and unwilling to admit that she might have feelings for a married man. After Margaret's sudden reappearance, Christy had suppressed the feelings but in so doing had deceived herself into believing that she could love David. She knew now that she didn't love David, and never had. If she had only been honest about her feelings for Neil and for David, perhaps somehow all of this might have been prevented. She ate little and slept less, reasoning that while she could never tell Neil how she felt about him, even if he woke up, that her presence at his sick-bed might give him strength and make him better. But Neil lay, in almost death-like slumber on his bed. The wound on his head was healing nicely and fast becoming covered by his hair which was already beginning to grow back. Christy had learned from Dan Scott that the upper half of his body had been covered by the burning piece of ceiling, consequently the most severe burns were on his chest, hands, arms and face which had taken on a black or pasty white appearance. The rest of his body which had relatively minor burns, was healing, blisters were developing in some places and pink new skin in others. But he had not regained consciousness, Dan Scott had told her he was in a coma, caused by shock and the blow to his head. The whole of Cutter Gap seemed to be holding its breath, waiting, watching, and praying that Neil MacNeill, who had healed so many of them, would make a full recovery. ********************************************************************** summary: More is learned about Miss Alice's past relationship with Neil. Christy and David have a talk. (by the way, a collective thank you to all who have encouraged me with this story, you know who you are and your words have meant a great deal to me, I wanted to write each of you individually, but no time! Hope you'll forgive me:) "The Secret" Chapter 8 When it became clear that Christy would not leave the Doctor's bedside, David and Miss Alice were puzzled and concerned but initially said nothing. Miss Alice was too stricken with grief herself, for despite their differences Neil had become something of a son to her over the years. When he first married Margaret she had resented him for taking her daughter away from her. But than she had seen that they seemed happy together...at least at first. Plus she now realized it had all been part of God's plan to bring her to Cutter Gap to help the people that she now called family. After Margaret's "death", their grief had brought them close and Alice had worked steadily with Neil to bring God into his life. They had weekly Bible discussions and he had even attended the weekly church services held at the mission house. At first Neil had listened to her quite intently, but his scientific mind and anger over Margaret's death had worked against him and closed his mind, confusing him and making him even angrier. Neil had wanted answers, scientific, concrete answers to why Margaret had died and why such a loving God would let his people, the people of Cutter Gap suffer and die. Miss Alice had patiently tried to work through his grief, explaining that one couldn't always know why God let bad things happen. She tried to be a good example for Neil, even in the midst of her own grief, tried to point out all of the good things that God had done, like bringing them to Cutter Gap, their presence here had greatly improved the lives of all the people in the Cove. But in the end Neil had closed himself off from her, from God, and from the world. Miss Alice remembered their last Bible session distinctly, his words had made such an impression on her mind that she recalled them easily, "But Alice," he had said, his rich Scottish brogue laced with bitter anger, "You're asking me to put my faith in a God who would kill Margaret, who would plague the cove with typhoid fever, trachoma and a thousand other diseases too horrible to mention. I will not put my trust in such a God...I cannot...not after...Margaret...", his voice choked off in a sob. Miss Alice had reached up her arms to comfort him but he had recoiled from her and it was than that Miss Alice knew. She knew than that Neil blamed himself for Margaret's death, that it was tearing himself up inside and that the only way for him to live with himself was to put some of the blame onto a God that he viewed as distant and cruel. Miss Alice had wanted to tell Neil a great many things that day, to help him work through his pain and grief, to tell him that Margaret's death was just as much her fault as it was his, but Neil had closed himself from her and from the world, and had run out of the cabin in a blind rage. Miss Alice loved Neil as a mother does her rebellious son. She knew his heart was capable of loving and accepting God, and could only pray that he might still be given the opportunity of proving her right. Meanwhile, David had watched Christy's devotion to the ailing Doctor intently. He hated to admit it, but he was jealous over the attention his bride-to-be paid to Neil and couldn't help wondering if she would be as passionate in her care-taking if he were lying where the Doctor was now. Whenever such thoughts crept into David's mind he berated himself for his selfishness, he was a servant of God after all...but he was also human and quite capable of jealously where Christy was concerned. The thoughts remained in the back of his mind, festering and growing until one day he confronted Christy in the hallway. "Christy.", he began tentatively. "David I'm really busy now, Dr.MacNeill needs his bandages changed and...", she said with down-turned eyes. "Christy, that can wait a few minutes, we must talk.", he said, grasping her by the elbow and leading her down the stairs and in the direction of the gazebo. "David please, I really...I really don't want to have this discussion right now...I'm so tired and there's Neil...", she begged. "Yes there's Neil.", said David sharply. "I admire your compassion Christy, but I'm also worried about your health...and than there's us." They were standing in the mission yard now, facing each other. To avoid David's probing eyes she looked around, and realized suddenly that this was where she and Neil had argued nearly two weeks ago. The irony struck her, like a fist, and she gasped. "Christy.", said David seriously, "Do you love him?" Christy looked at him, her eyes wide with surprise at his blatant question which was more like an accusation. Christy opened her mouth to deny his charges, but David shook his head in disappointment for her eyes had already told him the truth. "He is a married man Christy, it's a sin...", said David, struggling to keep his anger at bay. "I know that David.", said Christy meekly, "As soon as Neil is better I'm leaving Cutter Gap..." David's eyes shone bright with hope. "I can't marry you David, it would be wrong, I know that now...and I think you do too.", said Christy, she pulled his ring off of her finger and placed it gently in the palm of his hand. David shielded his eyes with his hands, as if to ward off the truth of her words. "I thought I could make you love me...", his voice trailed off as he realized how wrong he had been. "What will you do?", he asked suddenly, his concern for Christy overriding his jealousy and anger at her refusal to marry him. "I'll teach, I love children too much not too... I'll write Dr.Ferrand and ask him for another teaching position, but I can't leave until I know Neil is well." "You can't run from this Christy.", said David. "I don't know what else to do.", she sobbed. David was silent, he didn't trust himself to speak, the hurt he felt over Christy's refusal of him was still fresh, and he worried that it might cause him to say things he would later regret. He still loved Christy, and it would take a long time for the pain to go away, but his heart was already beginning to heal and his thoughts were rapidly turning to the welfare and future of the young sobbing girl standing before him. So despite his anger and pain, he hugged the sobbing Christy to his chest, not with bitterness but with the love of a friend. And when her crying had subsided he kissed her gently on the forehead and walked away to be alone with his thoughts. ********************************************************************** summary: Miss Alice asks Christy to go on a journey with her. "The Secret" Chapter 9 Soon the days had stretched into two full weeks, while Neil would awaken, often for minutes at a time he was delerious and would just as quickly sink back into unconsciousness. Christy had heard Dan Scott whisper to Miss Alice that it was really for the best that Neil remain unconscious as the pain would have been too much for any man to bear. The two had continued whispering but Christy had heard only fragments, something about infection, but than they had noticed Christy standing in the doorway and the whispering had stopped. At the beginning of the third week Miss Alice caught Christy's arm as she was bringing her dinner up to eat beside Neil's bedside. "Miss Huddleston, a word with thee." Too tired to argue Christy merely nodded and meekly followed Miss Alice back into the kitchen. "I am concerned about thee Christy.", said Miss Alice. "Thee has not been sleeping or eating enough and I fear that we will soon have two patients to look after instead of one. Thee cannot help Neil if thee is sick." Christy knew that Miss Alice was right but protested against the truth of Miss Alice's words all the same, "But Miss Alice.." "No Christy. That is why I am sending thee to Atlanta.", said Miss Alice firmly, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms she continued, "I took the liberty of opening Neil's mail, in case medical supplys had arrived in El Pano or...", her voice caught in her throat, "or news from Margaret. Today a letter arrived, from Atlanta, from Margaret, begging Neil to come to Atlanta. If thee remembers, Neil was on his way to Atlanta before the train-wreck ocurred. Miss Huddleston, will thee accompany me to Atlanta? The trip will be only a few days and it will do you good.", she said, clasping Christy's hands in her own. "But Miss Alice Dr.MacNeil...", protested Christy. "Dr.MacNeil's life is in God's hands now and nothing that you can do will change that", said Miss Alice firmly. "Please come.", she said softly, "This is one journey I do not think I can make alone." Even though her heart begged her to refuse Miss Alice's request, Christy nodded her head, never before had she seen Miss Alice look so vulnerable or so afraid and Miss Alice was right afterall, Neil MacNeil's life was in God's hands now, and Christy could think of none more capable. ********************************************************************** summary: Christy and Miss Alice begin their journey to Atlanta. "The Secret" Chapter 10 Christy, hollow eyed and weary managed with shaking hands to neatly fold the one page letter that she had spent most of the night writing by Neil's bedside. Against Miss Alice's wishes Christy had resolved to spend her last night in Cutter Gap keeping watch over Neil's sickbed. Looking at Neil's pale countenance had made the letter a difficult one to write, but his face, a face that she loved above all others had also reminded her of the necessity of the letter. She gave it one final fold, placed and sealed it in an envelope and hurried down the stairs, hastily handing it to Ben Pentland before Miss Alice came outside. "Dr.Ferrand...he fixin to pay another visit to Cutter Gap Miz Christy?", asked Ben, squinting at the address. "No, it's um...it's just about a friend of mine who is interested in teaching...", said Christy. While she couldn't reveal the exact contents of the letter to Ben, (his gossiping was notorious throughout the Cove), he needed an answer, and Christy reasoned that her response was at least close to the truth. Ben nodded his head, obviously satisfied with her response. "Walll now, that's right fine. But ain't no teacher can match the likes of you Miz Christy.", he said grinning at her. Christy's lips quivered but she managed a brave nod and than quickly turned away to greet Miss Alice who was just now emerging from the Mission House. "Mr.Pentland.", said Miss Alice. "We are most thankful that thee will be accompanying us to the train station." Christy gasped, Christy had forgotten Ben was to accompany them. He was bound to mention the letter on the seven mile journey to the train station. If only she had waited to post the letter in Atlanta...but she had been so eager to hand the letter over to another, as if handing her future and her life over to another's care. In writing the letter she had been filled with such agonizing anxiety, but the second she had given the letter to Ben a numbing peace stole through her body, no longer would she have to worry about confronting the love she felt for Neil, it was as if her future, a future that neatly eliminated this love she felt for Neil, had been decided for her. True to form, they had not ridden an hour before Ben Pentland's easy-going voice brought up the subject of Christy's letter. "I reckon Dr.Ferrand will be right happy to hear about this here teacher friend of yourn Miz Christy.", he said. Inwardly Christy groaned and Miss Alice who had long grown adept at politely pretending to listen to Ben Pentland's tongue wagging gossip, sat up in her saddle and looked questioningly at Christy. But Christy avoided her probing eyes and after mumbling a response to Ben continued to avoid Miss Alice's watchful gaze. Miss Alice continued looking at Christy for a while, patiently waiting for an explanation. Surely, thought Miss Alice to herself, Christy would have mentioned a letter to Dr.Ferrand, would have at least mentioned this friend of hers to Miss Alice. But while Miss Alice could tell that something was not quite right by Christy's flushed face and mumbled reply but she decided not to press the issue any further. And at any rate, thought Miss Alice, it was most likely that during the turmoil and confusion of the past couple of weeks Christy had simply forgotten to mention the letter. Both resumed their silence and the the rest of the journey to the train station was made in a silence that was relative to Ben Pentland's constant talking. Happy to have a captured audience Ben didn't seem to notice Christy or Miss Alice's preoccupation. After depositing them at the train station and wishing them a happy journey Ben mosied down the street, hoping to find another pair of willing ears. The train ride was uneventful and uncommonly steeped in silence for two friends so accustomed to sharing their thoughts and problems with one another. As the train drew nearer to Atlanta Miss Alice's thoughts focused on Margaret. Why she had so urgently summoned Neil to Atlanta? Was she sick? Was she dying? These thoughts raced through Miss Alice's mind, and she kept reliving the hurtful words she had thrown at Margaret the last time they had met. She knew she would never forgive herself if they found Margaret dead, and she prayed that she might see her daughter alive one last time, to beg for her forgiveness. Meanwhile, Christy's thoughts remained focused on the well-being of one man, lying sick and broken in Cutter Gap. Christy felt guilty over having to leave him, a guilt that was compounded and compromised by her willingness to admit that she loved him and the knowledge that she was now traveling with his mother-in-law to visit his wife. Her thoughts drifted back to the carefully crafted letter she had mailed to Dr.Ferrand. She felt a sad kind of happiness, knowing that as soon as Neil was better she would have a new teaching post to go to, for she felt certain that Dr.Ferrand would comply with her request. Somewhere in the caverns of her mind she knew that her request for a different teaching post selfish and unfair to the children of Cutter Gap and God's plan for her there. But why had God planted such a love in her heart? Christy had striven with all of her being to deny her love for Neil, but his near death had awakened a love that had always been there...How did God expect her to go on living in Cutter Gap, living and suffering with such a love in her heart? How could that be in his plan? These questions shook Christy to the very marrow of her bone, but she had no answers, was confused and wanted only to escape. In her weary-worn mind, wracked with worry over Neil's health, her judgement was clouded and she could only comprehend that leaving the Cove was the only way to get away from the overpowering emotions that she felt for Dr.Neil MacNeill. Her mind had not fully grasped that in so doing, she would also have to leave the children, all of the children, Mountie, Little Burl, Sam Houston and the rest, forever. When the train arrived in Atlanta both were in such deep thought that the conductor had to call to them two times to get their attention. After gathering their luggage and getting settled into their hotel, Miss Alice and Christy had a light supper and went to bed early, hoping to get an early start in the morning. For the first time since Neil's accident they both slept soundly, as if their bodies knew what their minds did not, that a strong body would make the mind stronger, and in the hours to come, they would desperately need both.... ********************************************************************** summary: The "secret" is revealed!! :) ....tell me what you think, please!! and now (drumroll please!)..."The Secret" Chapter 11 After a quick breakfast at the hotel, Miss Alice squared her shoulders and said very simply, "Miss Huddleston, it is time." Miss Alice had already secured a rig for the morning through the hotel manager and it was waiting for them outside of the hotel. Miss Alice handed the driver the directions, and after giving Miss Alice a sharp look, he helped them into the carriage and they set off. The neighborhood that their hotel was in was well taken care of and relative to what Miss Alice and Christ were accustomed to, quite rich. Christy couldn't help but notice that as the driver skillfully navigated the streets of Atlanta, bringing them closer and closer to their destination, that the neighborhoods and the people they passed became older, more worn, and more poor, why even the youngest of children looked like little old men and women, thought Christy to herself. Squatting on the street corners, their hands outstretched and their shoulders already bowed with a lifetime of worries, these children tugged at Christy's conscience. Christy's heart grew heavy as she suddenly realized she was riding through a citified version of Cutter Gap. Her heart went out to these people, just as it had to the children and families of Cutter Gap, and she longed to help them somehow. Finally, when Christy thought that conditions couldn't get any worse they arrived at the address. Miss Alice politely asked the driver to wait for them, and after much grumbling he finally agreed to wait a half hour. Miss Alice, with Christy in tow, walked up to the front doorstep and knocked loudly on the door. When no one answered, she gently pushed it open and stepped inside. The room they entered was dirty and bare, several rags strewn in various corners and all over the floor indicated that the room provided shelter and bed to countless people. Christy could hear a child crying in one of the rooms in the back, and in another, someone coughing wretchedly. "Hello??", called Miss Alice. The coughing stopped but the child's crying grew louder, directing and guiding them down a dimly lit hallway with several closed doors. Christy slowly pushed open the door behind which the crying was the loudest and peered inside a poorly lit foul smelling room. Huddled in a corner and crying was a small child. The child was dressed in an old sackcloth and looked to be around the age of six or seven. Its hair was long and matted and dirt covered the child so completely that Christy could not determine whether the child was a boy or a girl. Wiping its eyes with grimy fists, the child had no sooner looked up at Christy than she was across the room, gathering the child into her arms. Whispering soothing nonsensical words into its ears, the crying ceased almost immediately. "Miss Alice...", said Christy standing up and turning around, but Miss Alice wasn't there. With the child clinging onto her as if for dear life, Christy slowly walked back down the hall-way, peering into rooms and pushing open doors, trying to find Miss Alice. Finally, Christy pushed open a large square door and found Miss Alice seemingly kneeling in prayer, beside what appeared to be an empty bed. But Christy took a step closer and saw that the bed was not empty at all, that there was an emaciated body lying it. The body lay so still that Christy would have thought it dead, but she took a step closer and could see the faint rise and fall of its chest and than, Christy looked closer and gasped in horror...it was Margaret! Miss Alice turned to look at Christy with terror-stricken eyes that betrayed her normally cool exterior. Than Christy saw Miss Alice's shaking hands and tremoring shoulders and this almost scared her more than the sight of Margaret. Miss Alice who was typically so calm, in any situation, looked like she was about to fall to pieces. Christy stepped forward to grasp Miss Alice by the shoulders, but suddenly the child in her arms wriggled out of Christy's grasp and ran wildly towards the bed. "Mamma!", called the child, "Mamma, Mamma!!" Christy and Miss Alice looked at each other, than at Margaret, and finally at the child. "This is my son," confirmed the skeletal figure on the bed, resurrected by the voice of the child, "Neil MacNeill, meet your Grandmother.", whispered Margaret. And Christy saw it than, beneath the dirt and the grime, she saw Dr.Neil MacNeill's broad face, his square chin and firm jawline, framed by a shock of long and matted hair that was dark like Margaret's, but curly like Neil's, and when the child looked at her with Neil's piercing blue eyes, there were no doubts left in Christy's mind that the small boy standing before her, clutching his mother's hand, was indeed Neil MacNeill's son. "Margaret, what have you done?", gasped Alice, but Margaret was unconscious. ********************************************************************** summary: Christy takes Margaret to a hospital. "The Secret" Chapter 12 Christy knew that they had to get Margaret to a hospital as soon as possible. "Miss Alice, you wait here...I'll go see if the driver can help us with Margaret.", said Christy. Miss Alice merely nodded, still dazed by Margaret's startling revelation. Christy hurried out of the room, down the hallway and out to the carriage. The driver was sitting impatiently in his seat, reins in hand. "I was just about to go...hurry up and get in.", he growled. Christy knew that without his cooperation they would never get Margaret to a hospital in time, much less get back to their hotel. She steeled her shoulders, looked the grizzly faced man straight in the eye and said firmly, "Sir, I am sorry to keep you so long. A friend of ours is sick and we need your assistance. Could you please help us?" He opened his mouth to say no but Christy added, "We'll pay double the regular fare of course." He thought for a minute and finally agreed. Christy led him to Margaret's bed where the man easily swung Margaret into his arms and carried her out of the room. Christy took one of Miss Alice's hands, and one of little Neil's and followed him out to the waiting carriage. Wrapping her coat around Margaret's skeletal body, Christy helped Miss Alice and Neil get settled, than directed the driver to take them to the nearest hospital. Upon arriving at the hopstial Christy motioned for two stretcher bearers and with the help of the driver they gently carried Margaret into the hospital, depositing her in one of the few beds available. Christy quickly paid the driver and went in search of a doctor. After politely being rebuffed by several overworked doctors she finally found a kind faced doctor who allowed himself to be led to Margaret's side by this bedraggled but pretty young woman. He took Margaret's pulse, felt her forehead, listened to her heart and than motioned for Christy to follow him. Taking her by the elbow he said in a low whisper, "My dear, there is absolutely nothing I can do. That woman..." "Margaret.", interrupted Christy. "Mrs. Margaret MacNeill." "Yes...," he said clearing his throat, "Mrs. MacNeill has tuberculosis..." "We know that.", said Christy frantically. "Well it should have been treated months ago.", he continued. "She is malnourished, dehydrated and suffering from acute pneumonia, she's unconscious now and it's unlikely she'll ever wake up...I know I am being blunt with you Miss..." "Huddleston...Christy Huddleston.", answered Christy. "Miss Huddleston. But I believe in being honest about my patients.", he said. "But Margaret...she has a son, and Miss Alice her mother...", Christy's voice dropped to a low whisper. "There is really nothing I can do, you must understand," he said in a strained voice. Lifting his hand wearily to his forehead he paused before continuing, "It is out of my hands.", he said, looking her straight in the eye. "All we can do is make her last few hours as comfortable as possible...do you pray Miss Huddleston?" Christy nodded. "Than I advise it.", he said gently. "And it's the least I can offer," he said. "Offer...offer of what?", asked Christy. "I mean it's the least I can do...To pray with you and help make Mrs. MacNeill's last few hours comfortable.", he said. Christy looked at him than, really looked at this kind stranger clad in medical garb. He looked to be in his late forty's, had thin graying hair and a round, jolly, clean shaven face littered with smallpox scars that had long ago surrendered to deep laugh- lines. He was taller than Christy but would have been dwarfed by any of the men Christy knew in Cutter Gap were it not for his flashing green eyes which radiated compassion and a sense of confidence and peace that Christy had seen in no other person save for Alice Henderson. "Thank you sir.", said Christy, grasping hands that seemed large for his small frame. He merely nodded and grasping her lightly by the elbow escorted her back to Margaret's bed. "Miss Alice.", said Christy. Miss Alice looked up with tears in her eyes. Christy stepped forward, but than stopped, Margaret's eyes were open! Christy looked up at the doctor, hoping to find a glimmer of hope in his expressive eyes, but he shook his head curtly. "Mac...", whispered Margaret and the small boy stepped forward. "Remember that I love you...", she said simply and the boy nodded, clutching helplessly at his Mother's hand. Margaret closed her eyes wearily, trying to gain strength before continuing. "Mother.", called Margaret. Miss Alice drew nearer, taking Margaret other hand in both of her own. "I'm here.", said Miss Alice. "Mother I am so very sorry..." Miss Alice started to interrupt but Margaret squeezed her hand. "I was a disappointment to you." "Margaret.", said Miss Alice her voice wavering, and forgetting her Quaker style of speaking she went on, "I am proud to call you my daughter. You have *never* disappointed me, *never*.", she emphasized. "We have had our disagreements and differences in opinions but through all of that I hope you know...", her voice broke. "I have always loved you Margaret. Always. You took such joy out of living...do you remember when you were little and we played in the hay-lofts together?" Margaret nodded, a smile tugging at her lips as the happy memory washed over her like a wave. "I have always tried to be a good mother to you Margaret...but I was so very young, and we all make mistakes...all of us, I have always loved you and forgiven you...can you...could you...", Miss Alice folded Margaret's hands in her own and gently brought them to her lips. "Mother I love you, and I forgive you.", whispered Margaret. "But do you think Mac will ever forgive me...I know it was wrong mother. When I ran away I didn't know I was pregnant. I was so mad. So mad at the world. I used the last of my money to get to Atlanta..and by the time I found out, I couldn't go back, couldn't ask you for money. I was too proud, and too mad...and I couldn't bear to go back to that life.", she paused, coughing violently and than rallied again, "I was wrong...but by the time I realized it I was too ashamed to tell you or Neil. I was too afraid. When I came back to Cutter Gap the second time I planned to tell you, to tell all of you...but I was so scared...scared that you would hate me, and I would die alone....", Margaret paused and closed her eyes. "Forgive me mother...tell Neil I'm sorry. He'll be a good father to Mac," she said, nodding towards the small frightened boy. Margaret closed her eyes, Miss Alice grasped her by the shoulders as if to impart some of her strength into the small dying frame of her only daughter. "Margaret.", she said, "Margaret! You must forgive thyself!", called Miss Alice. Margaret's eyes fluttered open, her mouth drawn into a slight smile at the sound of her Mother's resumption of her Quaker speech. "But is there still time?", asked Margaret, staring intently into her mother's face. "Child there is always time.", said Miss Alice with tears streaming down her cheeks. They prayed together than, Miss Alice, Margaret, little Mac, Christy, and the doctor. Joining hands, they prayed for Margaret as she accepted what she had fought and rebelled against for her entire life. And as Margaret's voice, raised in prayer grew softer and than silent, her grasp weaker and weaker, they all knew that Margaret had, at long last, finally forgiven herself and found peace. ********************************************************************** summary: Margaret's funeral and a new character is introduced. "The Secret" Chapter 13 Christy decided to leave Miss Alice and little Mac alone with Margaret's body, beckoning to the doctor she began asking about funeral and burial arrangements. The doctor began making recommendations, but finally stopped and asked her, "Perhaps it would be best if I took care of the arrangements...I'm familiar with the city, and there is a lovely little cemetery, very private and well-kept not too far from here, it looks as though you will have your hands full taking care of them...", he said, gesturing towards Miss Alice and Mac. Christy nodded thankfully as he turned away but than abruptly grabbed his arm, "You've been so kind to us, thank you.", she said. "I am only to happy to be of service. God gave me a gift for practicing medicine, but even I have my limitations," he said, smiling wanly. "The hardest part of my job is recognizing this and giving my patients up to God...Thank you for letting me pray over Mrs. MacNeil..." he said. "But I don't even know your name!", said Christy suddenly. "Dr.William Paget," he said. Christy started, she had heard that name before. Dr.Paget looked at her with concern, "Are you alright my dear?" he asked. Christy nodded and he moved off, calling back, "I'll send a nurse over to take you to the kitchen..." Christy nodded distractedly, she was still turning his name over and over in her head trying to figure out where she had heard it before. Was he an acquaintance of her parents? She didn't think so, he would have mentioned knowing them when she told him her name. Where had she heard this name, she wondered as she returned to Margaret's bedside. Christy, Miss Alice, and Mac were soon escorted to the kitchen by a motherly nurse and despite their grief, all fell to the food as if they had not eaten in weeks. Christy took Miss Alice's hand enquiring, "Miss Alice?" "I'm fine child, and thankful that I was able to ensure that Margaret didn't die alone, thankful to God that I was able to be there for her when she needed me the most.", she sounded terribly sad, but offered Christy a small smile of hope and peace. Just as they were finishing their food, Dr.Paget stopped by the kitchen, Christy met him at the door, "I've made all the arrangements and my carriage will be around to pick you up at two o'clock tomorrow afternoon. I'm so sorry to rush off, but there was an accident a couple of blocks down and I'm needed in surgery..." Waving to Miss Alice and Mac, "Get a good nights rest, I'll see you tomorrow." Christy and Miss Alice wearily returned to the hotel where they set themselves to cleaning Mac with a vengeance. Christy sent one of the maids out to buy him some new clothes and than turned to the task of bathing the small frightened boy. He was terrified when they showed him the big tub of water and tried to run out the door, but Christy blocked his path. Miss Alice grabbed the still fully clothed boy around the middle, carried him to the tub and deposited him among its soap folds of water. The boy let out a great holler, but Christy and Alice scrubbed him until he shone like a bright new penny. Next they set to the task of cutting his hair, and finally helped him into his new clothes and put him to bed. They tried to engage him in conversation but had no luck, they knew he could hear them, but he refused to answer. Already Christy's mind was puzzling over how to make this small child talk. She wondered if he was simply scared of them, or in shock over the death of his mother. She also wondered how well he could speak, if he had ever been to school, or how many other children he had been around. Or, thought Christy, perhaps he was suffering from some speech impediment like Mountie O'Teale. Christy longed to help him somehow and her mind was already sorting through ideas to make the boy talk and feel loved. Early the next afternoon Dr.Paget escorted them to the cemetery in his own carriage. The funeral service was simply conducted by an elderly minister, and even Miss Alice managed, through her own grief to contribute a few Bible verses in memory of her daughter. They sang "Amazing Grace", and Margaret Henderson MacNeill was finally laid to rest beneath a flowering cherry blossom tree. On the carriage ride back to their hotel, Christy suddenly realized that she had not properly introduced Dr.Paget to Miss Alice or Mac and apologetically did so. Miss Alice looked up, startled, but said nothing. "And where do you folks hail from?", asked Dr.Paget politely. "You've probably never heard of it," said Christy. "It's a little cove back in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee called Cutter Gap." This time it was the Doctor's turn to look startled, "Cutter Gap?! I went on a hunting trip there oh...it must've been close to twenty years ago...You wouldn't know a Dr. Neil MacNeill by any chance?" Miss Alice and Christy's mouths dropped open in disbelief. The doctor chuckled ironically, "I can see you have. He carried our baggage on the trip, wasn't more than 16 at the time...he wanted to be a doctor and my colleagues and I helped him through college. I kept in regular contact with him when I was still up in New York, but we lost track of each other after I moved down here to Atlanta a few years ago.", he finished. "How is Neil anyway, last I heard he was making some strides in trachoma research...", Dr.Paget's voice stopped suddenly as he watched Christy and Miss Alice's faces turn from amazement to horror. "What is it?", he asked. "Miss Henderson, Miss Huddleston, what's wrong?", he asked, a bit more frantically. Miss Alice and Christy knew he had to be told, but not in a carriage, and not in front of Neil's newly discovered son. Luckily they arrived at the hotel a few minutes later, and Christy invited Dr.Paget to tea. He nodded in bewilderment as Christy led him to the dining room. Miss Alice excused herself to take Mac back for a nap. After they were seated Christy struggled to remain calm as she began telling Dr.Pagent about Neil's accident. During the startling events of the last 24 hours there had been little time to spend worrying about Neil, and as she recounted his injurys it was as if an old wound were being torn open. As she recalled Neil's coma she burst out crying and rose to leave the room. Dr.Pagent rose with her and began escorting her back to her room. "Miss Huddleston, I must come to Cutter Gap, there must be something I can do, someway I can help..." "But Dr.Paget...", she said, blinking away tears and accepting the offer of his handkerchief. "No.", said Dr.Paget, folding his arms across his chest. "That boy was like a son to me. I never married and I've always regretted I lost touch with him. I'm retired from practicing medicine regularly and only help out at the hospital as a volunteer...I'm coming to Cutter Gap Miss Huddleston." he said, and Christy knew there was no dissuading him. She nodded and warmly shook his hand in thanks. "Good than. There's no time to waste. I'll begin wrapping up my affairs here and see about getting us some train tickets. God willing we can leave tomorrow. I'll drop around the hotel in the morning.", he said, and before Christy could say another word he had left. She stood at the door a minute longer, she needed to be strong for Miss Alice and Mac but was secretly thankfull that Dr.Paget would be going back to Cutter Gap with them, perhaps he could help Neil somehow. As promised Dr.Paget returned the next morning, "Mudslides are backing up trains all along the tracks....but I managed to get us some tickets for this afternoon..." Christy decided to try calling the mission house from the hotel telephone, but the lines were down. Finally, just before leaving the Atlanta train station, she tried calling the mission telephone one last time. Ruby Mae answered the phone, hollering with all of her might. "Miz Christy!! It shorely is good to hear yer voice!!", she bellowed. Christy heard the anxious voice of Dan Scott in the background and than Ruby Mae's shriek as he roughly took the telephone out of her grasp, "Christy!!", he yelled just as loud. "Are you coming back? Christy!! I can't hear you! It's Neil..." "Dan?!", yelled Christy. "Daniel Scott?", she screamed. "What is it, what about Neil?!" But the line was dead. ********************************************************************** summary: Christy, Miss Alice, Dr.Paget and Mac head back to Cutter Gap. Sorry this is so short, but I've got to draw out the suspense at least a little:) "The Secret" Chapter 14 Christy stared at the phone, willing it to tell her what had happened to Neil. Had he woken up? Was he better? Was he...Christy felt herself begin to faint at the mere thought. Miss Alice and Dr. Paget, drawn by her loud scream caught her between them and pulled her into a nearby chair. "Miss Huddleston, what's wrong?", asked Dr.Paget frantically. "I was talking to Dan Scott," said Christy looking at Miss Alice. "We lost the connection, but it's Neil, I know something terrible has happened to Neil...", she said, her eyes welling up with tears. "What did he tell you?", asked Miss Alice. "He sounded worried and scared, but we were disconnected before he could tell me anything.", admitted Christy. "Perhaps he was going to tell you that Neil had recovered," said Miss Alice hopefully. But Christy heard the doubt in Miss Alice's optimistic words, and in her heart she knew that Neil was not better, but she couldn't imagine how he could get much worse. Dr.Paget began to speak but was drowned out by the loud whistle of an arriving train. As the train bound for El Pano pulled into the Atlanta train station, Miss Alice, Christy, and Dr.Paget said simultaneously, "Thank God." and, with Mac's small hand firmly clasped in Miss Alice's, they boarded the train. Torrential rain-fall, causing tremendous mud-slides forced the train to halt several times for as long as an hour to clear the tracks ahead of them. But joltingly it chugged forward, bringing Christy closer to a truth that would have terrified even the strongest of faiths. She didn't know which was worse, knowing the truth or being ignorant of Neil's fate. Christy's faith had always been strong, she had trusted in God even when she felt lost and afraid. But she refused to believe that God would take Neil MacNeill from this earth, it didn't seem fair, and it didn't seem right that a man who had devoted his life to helping others should be plucked from the earth when he was still needed so much. The people of Cutter Gap needed him as their Doctor, Miss Alice and Dr.Paget needed him as their surrogate son, Mac needed him as his father and Christy needed him as her friend. Christy didn't know if her faith could withstand the premature death of a man so loved and so needed, she knew God had a plan but she did not see how the death of Neil MacNeill could ever be a part of such a plan. Each of the four passengers bound for Cutter Gap remained silent. Mac still silent and quite oblivious to the fate of his father, curled up in his seat and fell asleep. But the others remained awake, hands folded and heads bowed, they prayed until their prayers were overtaken by their fear, and than they prayed again. The tracks clicked by, the sun slowly set, and the train whistle wailed like a banshee, bringing them agonizingly closer to a truth that would test the faith and strength of each of them in the days and weeks to come. ********************************************************************** summary: We're not quite back to Cutter Gap yet, but read on to find out at long last what happened to Neil:) "The Secret" Chapter 15 When the four finally arrived in El Pano it was well past midnight. They stumbled into a local boarding house and collapsed wearily onto beds ten short minutes later. A tremendous storm rocked the cove that night and while the warm glow of the sun greeted the dawn the storm had left the ground saturated with mud that not even the strongest of horses could safely manage. The journey would have to be made entirely on foot but Miss Alice was confident that she could safely guide Dr.Paget to Cutter Gap. "But," she said looking at Christy and Mac, "I fear Mac is too small to make the journey, I must ask thee to stay with him. The telephone lines are still down in Cutter Gap, but if there is no more rain, I shall send David in a few days to fetch thee." Christy wanted to scream, to beg Miss Alice not to leave her behind, but she didn't for she knew that Miss Alice was right. "Christy," said Miss Alice, hoping to ease Christy's obvious dismay, "Neil's life might depend on Dr.Paget's medical expertise. I promise," she said, folding Christy into an embrace, "I promise to send David as soon as possible, if the weather holds." Miss Alice expertly packed what little they would need for the journey and the two set off. Christy and Mac bid them farewell and watched until they were mere specks on the horizon, and than nothing. Turning to go back into the boarding house Christy raised her fist to her mouth, struggling to prevent the torment of emotions bottled inside of her from spilling out. She felt a small tug on her hand and looking down saw Mac's wide blue eyes peering up at her. She stroked the boys curly hair and led him back into the boardinghouse. Two days passed with no word from the mission and no sign of David. Doubtless no one could be spared to fix the downed telephone lines much less fetch Christy and Mac. In the meantime, Christy's thoughts were never far from worrying about Neil's condition and her guilt over not being able to be by his side was overwhelming. Concern over Neil even entered into the privacy of her dreams. When she slept at all, she had the same reoccurring nightmare; the ghostly image of Neil's broken body would rise before her, his eyes would open and with arms outstretched, he called her name, and than repeated over and over again in a voice filled with the deepest of emotion, "Tha gaol agam ort...Tha gaol agam ort...Tha gaol agam ort!" Christy would wake up, drenched in sweat and look about the room wildly. The dream seemed so real, his husky Scottish brogue would echo about in her head for hours and she would spend the rest of the night awake, pacing her moonlit room, worrying about Neil and wondering what those strange, foreign words meant. On those nights when sleep seemed hopeless and she was nearly sick with worry, she would carefully take out the small curl she had rescued from the floor of the mission on that terrible night and hold it in the palm of her hand. Staring at it for hours it calmed her and linked her to the unknown, reminding her to never give up hope. She would wake up in the morning with the small curl clenched tightly in her hands and carefully place it back in the folds of her Bible. After six days, with Mac still maintaining his silence and the weather still fair, Christy thought she would go mad with the worrying and waiting. She tried to pray, but as the days passed her prayers turned into angry accusations thrown at a God that seemed to have forsaken her. She wanted to act, to go to Neil immediately, but there was his son, Mac. She was willing to risk her own life to brave the journey to Cutter Gap, but not the life of his son. It was really Mac that prevented her from descending into madness, his obvious need for love and attention occupied her mind and made her feel useful. And his uncanny resemblance to his father made Christy feel as though she were indirectly helping Neil. Christy quickly ascertained that Mac had never been to school and worked to teach him the alphabet and how to write his name. She also discovered that he was quite proficient at drawing and she tried using her own drawing skills to slowly draw the boy out of whatever world he had taken refuge in. Hanging on the wall was evidence of her progress, a rough but still quite skillfully drawn picture of a horse bearing the crude but proud signature of 'Neil MacNeill' at the bottom. While Mac's continued silence troubled her it also fortified her resolution to help and love this small boy as if her own life depended on it, and in a very great way it did. Christy was too sick and tired with weeks of constant worrying to recognize that God had not forsaken her, but was working through a form that was quite familiar to Christy, that of a young child. A child who needed her attention, needed her compassion, but most of all needed her love. Finally, on the seventh day, Christy woke up from the chair that she had finally fallen asleep in and decided that she could wait no longer. She began to pack their things and was going outside to buy some supplies when fell into the arms of a tall dark-haired young man. Red-faced she mumbled her apologies and began untangling herself when she looked up into familiar eyes. "David!", she shrieked and began weeping uncontrollably in his arms. David helped her into a chair and after giving her an additional pat on the shoulder drew up a chair beside her and said simply, "Christy, he's alive....Do you hear me Christy?", he asked, shaking her by the shoulder, "He will live." Christy looked up at him in shock, "He's all-right?", she asked, but David looked away. "David? What is it? Tell me David, tell me now, I've got to know.", she pleaded. David nervously wrung his hands together, his lips parted several times as if to speak, but this man, so eloquent in the pulpit seemed unable to tell this young anxious woman what she had been waiting days to hear. Christy grabbed his hands in her own, looked him straight in the eyes and said almost hysterically, "David? David?! What's wrong with Neil?!" "Christy, he is alive. Dr.Paget said that he'll live.", said David, as if hoping that by repeating these comforting words he could lessen the shock. "Dr.Paget arrived just in time...Dan Scott is a perfectly capable doctor, but he's not a surgeon...Christy, Neil would have died if Dr.Paget hadn't arrived." Christy nodded, closing her eyes, bracing herself for whatever additional nightmare David was about to unleash. "Neil woke up, but he was delirious, raving like a lunatic.", said David, "Infection had set in terribly....Christy, Neil would have died, but Dr.Paget...Dr.Paget...", David stopped, anxiously searching for words but his search was useless and he knew it, for no words on earth can make the truth any less shocking, "Christy, Neil can still see but his vision was badly damaged. Dr.Paget thinks this might improve with time though, and spectacles might help as well..." Christy opened her eyes, obvious relief pouring out of them, this was bad news but certainly bearable. But David was not finished, bracing his arms on her shoulders he continued, "Christy," he sighed. "Oh dear God give me strength," he beseeched, raising his eyes heavenward. "Christy, there was infection...and gangrene...and...and...they had to amputate his left arm." David sat back than, to let the full shock of his words penetrate Christy's brain. Christy sat numbly in the chair, Neil would most likely never practice medicine again, but he was alive, "He's alive.", she whispered. David leaned closer, "He's alive.", she repeated. "Thank God he's alive!" This single thought sustained her and made her weep with joy, the worrying and waiting was over for Neil MacNeill was alive. ********************************************************************** summary: Christy, David and Mac finally begin the journey back to Cutter Gap...I'm out of town Thursday-Saturday so look for chapter 17 to be posted hopefully on Sunday. Have a good weekend everyone:) "The Secret" Chapter 16 David had brought the wagon to carry Christy, Mac and all of their luggage back to Cutter Gap. Christy hurriedly went to fetch Mac. She had told the small boy about David already, had told him about all of the people in Cutter Gap...well nearly all of them, she *had* mentioned that the Cove had a doctor, but in very general terms, leaving out the fact that the two shared the same name and happened to be related. At the time, when so much was unknown, keeping the identity of the boy's father a secret from him had seemed like the right thing to do. Christy could think of nothing more cruel than to tell a small boy who had recently lost his mother that he also had a father who might be dead as well. So she had described the doctor of Cutter Gap in great detail, which was not a difficult task for a woman in love. She told Mac about Neil's Scottish heritage, his love for fly-fishing, and his devotion to the people of Cutter Gap. Christy even managed to bring a smile to young Mac's face when she told him about Neil and David's sporting competition and how they had arm-wrestled for hours and hours. She described every aspect of Neil, his ability as a story teller, his medical skills, the progress he had made in eye research. She spent hours telling Mac everything about Neil, and the boy seemed to hang on her every word, his eyes bright with wonder, begging her for more and more details. And now, when the possibility of Neil's death seemed like a distant nightmare Christy didn't know how to tell Mac... In the end, Christy decided not to say anything until after she had talked to Miss Alice and seen Neil for herself. Christy took Mac's hand and led him over to David. "Mac, this is the Reverend David Grantland.", she said. Mac hid behind her skirts, peering out at the tall lanky stranger. David's eyes grew wide, the striking resemblance between father and son was not missed by David, "It's a pleasure to meet you Mac.", he said. "Call me David." The boy said nothing, David shrugged his shoulders and began gathering up their luggage. He sent Christy off to buy medical supplies while he loaded up the wagon, and they were bound for Cutter Gap within the hour. The journey to Cutter Gap went surprisingly fast. The ground was dry and David tried to keep Christy's spirits high by telling her all about what the children had been doing in her absence. Christy listened with rapt attention, as did Mac. But when the full heat of the day hit the unprotected travelers, conversation trickled off into blank silence. The heat made Mac fall asleep underneath what little shade he could find in the back of the wagon. David and Christy had been sitting in silence for at least a half hour when David said softly, "He called for you." "What?", asked Christy. "When he was awake, right before the surgery...Neil was yelling all sorts of wild things, none of us could understand him...one day I was sitting with him and he yelled out your name, as clear as day. He said it so clearly, I thought he'd finally come out of the fever....", David's voice trailed off. Initially, Christy was elated, Neil had called for her! But any happiness over this revelation was quickly replaced by guilt, Christy buried her face in her hands, Neil had called for her and she hadn't been there to help him when he had needed her the most. "It's not your fault Christy.", said David, reaching out to take her hand in his. "You were in El Pano, taking care of Neil's son.", he emphasized the last word. Christy nodded, overwhelmed at David's compassion, marveling to herself that it had been less than a month since she had broken off their engagement, and yet here he was comforting her love for the man who had been his greatest rival. "Thank you David.", she said, squeezing his hand, and as the mission house came into view, he put his arm around her shoulders and looked down on her small form. Her appearance was so drastically altered since David had seen her last, dark shadows lined her gaunt pale face and her dress seemed to envelop her small shrunken body. David noticed that her hands seemed to shake involuntarily and that the sparkle and passion seemed to have been swallowed up by eyes searching for answers amdist the unknown. David still loved Christy, but seeing her back safely to Cutter Gap he knew that this was where she belonged, not in a city, or in a parlor room, but here, in Cutter Gap with the children she loved...and the man she loved. David knew that he had done the right thing by letting her go, and he silently resolved that he would not leave Cutter Gap until he had seen to it that Christy was healthy, and more importantly, that she was happy. ********************************************************************** summary: After many long chapters spent in Atlanta, El Pano, and on the way to the mission, Christy finally arrives back in Cutter Gap. "The Secret" Chapter 17 Miss Alice came out to greet the returning travelers, followed by Dan Scott and Ruby Mae. Coaxing the still sleepy Mac out of the wagon and into her waiting arms he hid his face in her shoulder while she introduced him to Dan Scott and Ruby Mae. Miss Alice patted the boy fondly on the head and taking Christy warmly by the hand said, "Welcome home Miss Huddleston." "Thank you Miss Alice," said Christy haltingly. Her knees felt weak and her head felt fuzzy, she found that the simple act of finding the right words and stringing them together into coherent sentences took considerable effort, but she struggled on, "How are you...and...and...", Christy stopped, unable to go on. Miss Alice folded her into as much of an embrace as the now squashed and squirming Mac would allow and said softly, "Let's go inside Christy. Thee must be tired and hungry." Christy nodded, too tired to speak and allowed Miss Alice to lead her in to the mission house. Mac must have sensed her weariness as well for he willingly tumbled out of her arms but maintained a firm grip on the folds of her skirt. Miss Alice deposited Christy in a chair and Mac, overcoming some of his initial shyness, climbed into a chair across from her. David came in a few minutes later and Miss Alice served the three of them sandwiches and milk. As if in a dream, Christy mechanically ate until she could eat no more, looking down at her plate she was surprised to find over half of her sandwich still remaining. Miss Alice noticed Christy's lack of appetite with great concern and was on the verge of asking her to try to eat more when she noticed the dark circles under Christy's eyes, "Miss Huddleston, some rest is surely in order for thee...Ruby Mae, take Mac outside to feed the chickens please" Christy looked up slowly and nodded her head awkwardly, even this simple action seeming to take a great deal of effort. Everything seemed so distant, so very far away and removed from her, and she was quite content to let Miss Alice take her arm and lead her to her bedroom, but suddenly she stopped. In the blink of an eye the world came into focus with a jolting bang that shook Christy to the very marrow of her bones. She looked around wildly and than her eyes focused on the closed door of a room down the hall. She looked at Miss Alice, "Miss Alice," she said. "How is he? I have to see him, I have to know..." Miss Alice began to protest but she caught a look in Christy's panic-stricken eyes that stopped her in mid-sentence. Feeling as though she were looking straight into the depths of Christy's soul, Miss Alice looked at Christy keenly for a moment before motioning for her to sit in a chair inside of Christy's room. Closing the door Miss Alice began, "I am sure that David has told thee that the operation was a...", she struggled for words, "it was a success...no signs of any further infection or fever..." Miss Alice cleared her throat, avoiding Christy's eyes. "Miss Alice, what is it?", implored Christy. "Neil woke up two days ago Christy. William...that is, Dr. Paget was with him and called me into the room. We told Neil what had happened...", Miss Alice paused to take a shaky breath. "Christy, Neil looked William straight in the eye and asked him why he had even bothered to operate...that he wished he were dead, that Dr.Paget should have let him die." Miss Alice covered her eyes with her hands and began to weep openly but she continued, "Neil hasn't spoken a word since, hasn't eaten, we managed to force a bit of water down his throat, but nothing more.", Miss Alice, by now near hysterics stopped to catch her breath. Regaining her composure she said calmly, "Christy, that man is stubborn, always has been...but this is different, so very different," she said, raising folded hands to her lips, "Neil just lays in his bed and looks right through us, as though we aren't even there." Christy sat in shocked silence. Over the past few days her mind had remained so focused solely on the question of Neil's life or death. She had been so happy to simply find out that he was still alive that her mind hadn't fully grasped what that life, what living, might be like for him now. All that Neil had ever known was medicine and helping people, and after Margaret's "death", being a doctor was the most important thing in his life, it was who he was, Christy realized, it *was* his life. All of these thoughts flashed through Christy's mind in an instant, she longed to see him and she dreaded it, would Neil MacNeill be the same arrogant, confident friend that she had once known? "Miss Alice", repeated Christy softly, "Miss Alice I have to see him, I have to know." Miss Alice took Christy's hand and led her down the hallway to the closed door of what had become known as "Neil's Room". Tapping lightly on the door Christy heard some movement and was greeted by a weary Dr.Paget a few seconds later. Shaking Christy's hand and motioning to Neil he whispered, "He's sleeping." Miss Alice murmured that Dr.Paget should get some rest and ushered him out of the room, closing the door softly behind her. Christy stood alone in a small, bare, rectangular room. She knew exactly what was in this room, had spent countless sleepless hours keeping vigil by the large wooden bed, memorizing the patterns of Fairlight's quilt, she knew the exact placement of the furniture, knew how the morning sun crowned Neil's brow in a gleaming stream of sunlight...yet she looked slowly across the bare room, taking in every detail, but avoiding that which she had waited so many days to see. She noticed a well stoked brick fireplace, a small table, a vase of freshly picked flowers, two chairs, a nightstand...her eyes moved across the floor to a corner of Fairlight's quilt that had fallen to the floor. Bracing herself calmly Christy closed her eyes and looked at the large wooden bed. It had been less than two weeks since Christy had seen Neil, and he lay just as Christy had seen him last, still and silent, with his eyes closed. She took a step closer, Neil's head lay nestled in a mass of newly grown curly brown hair. Pink new skin stretched across a gaunt and heavily scarred face that sported at least a days growth of beard. His eyes were closed but the muscles of his face twitched with spasms and his agony filled moans were heart-wrenching to listen to. Christy saw the bare emptiness on his left side, accented by the patchwork quilt, she brushed away a few stray curls from his forehead and took his one remaining hand in hers. It felt so warm, not plagued by fever, but blessed by the warm vibrancy of life. Christy felt something wet on her cheeks and realized she was crying, not tears of pity or sadness but tears of compassion and happiness. Suddenly the large hand seemed to come alive in her own, firmly gripping her own small hand. She looked down at their two hands than looked up and found herself staring into Neil's wide blue eyes. Looking directly into her own eyes Christy knew that despite his impaired vision, he recognized her. "Neil?", she breathed, grasping his hand with both of hers. He took her bare left hand and brought it closer to his face, Christy thought she saw a glimmer of confusion...and than something else flash across his face and through his damaged eyes, something tender, something she didn't recognize. He released her hand and reached out to touch her cheek. Inhaling sharply at his soft touch Christy felt as though she would never breath again. Suddenly he pulled his hand back and Christy could see the glistening wetness of her tears staining his finger-tips. Bringing his hand close to his eyes he looked at it for a minute and than dropped it to his side with a thump and said in a bitter voice that cracked from the strain of speaking after days of silence, "I don't want your *pity* Miss Huddleston." Rolling over and grimacing with pain he groaned involuntarily. Christy reached out to him, but he held up his hand as a shield and Christy stopped in mid-motion. "Neil!", she pleaded. But his eyes were closed. Christy slowly got up and walked across the room, looking back she saw Neil's eyes open and gaze at her with infinite sadness. Christy started to say something, but he covered his face with his hand, and Christy left the room. Miss Alice met her in the hall-way, but Christy stumbled past her and fell into her bed. Drifting off to sleep Christy felt Miss Alice remove her shoes and gently lay a quilt over her, and than there was nothing but the floating half-remembered images of dreams and nightmares that prevented her sleep from being anything but restful. ********************************************************************** summary: Neil meets his son. This chapter was really hard to write for some reason, so any and all comments are most welcome. "The Secret" Chapter 18 Christy woke up twelve hours later, feeling as though she hadn't slept at all. Changing her clothes she walked down the mission hallway where Miss Alice greeted her with a smiling face and a large platter of food. Pushing the food around on her plate, a concerned Miss Alice finally said, "Thee must eat Christy." Christy knew Miss Alice was right, but she still couldn't manage more than a few mouthfuls. "Where is Mac?" she asked, trying to change the subject. Miss Alice laughed, "Ruby Mae has taken him on a visit around the Cove. I think it likely that he will find his voice soon enough, if only to hear something other than Ruby Mae's chattering!" "Have you told Neil about Mac...or Margaret?", asked Christy. "No, not yet...I had hoped, when he was better...", Miss Alice's voice tremoured. "Has he eaten anything?", asked Christy. Miss Alice shook her head, "Dan Scott is with him now....we try not to leave him alone." "I believe I will relieve him than.", said Christy, and before Miss Alice could protest she was down the hall and softly tapping at the door. When Dan Scott didn't open it immediately, she pushed the door open to find Dan slumped over and asleep in his chair, and Neil asleep as well. Reluctant to awaken the obviously weary Dan Scott Christy turned to go but suddenly felt something brush past her skirt. Looking down in surprise she saw Mac walk past her and over to the large bed. Christy held her breath as the boy reached up and placed his small hand on Neil's arm. Christy walked to his side and taking him by the hand led him out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her. "That was the Doctor...you remember, the one I told you about. He's very sick right now." Mac nodded solemnly. "Why don't we go find some cookies Mac?", asked Christy, trying to sound cheerful. Mac sat down at the table while Christy left the room to search through the kitchen larder. She returned a few minutes later bearing a large plate covered with cookies. "Is he really my father?", asked Mac suddenly. Dropping the platter of cookies with a loud crash, Christy stared at the boy in surprised disbelief. "What?", she stammered. "That man. That man who's sick...is he really my father?", he asked again in a small voice that didn't disguise his long drawn out southern drawl. "Yes...he is. But how did you..." Mac interrupted her, "I heard you tell the preacher, in the wagon. Reckon y'all thought I was sleepin'." "The Lord works in mysterious ways.", said a voice. Looking up Christy saw Miss Alice, drawn by the noise standing in the corner. Reaching out for Mac's hand she said firmly, "It's time thee met thy papa properly." Leading the boy down the hall, Christy began picking up the glass and cookies. "Miss Huddleston.", called Miss Alice. Christy looked up. "Thee is my family too. Please...", she said, reaching out for Christy's hand. Gently opening the door Dan Scott, awake now, rose to his feet. Neil was also awake, but he barely acknowledged their entrance. "Dan, would thee be so kind as to fetch a bowl of soup from the kitchen?", asked Miss Alice. "Certainly.", said Dan Scott. "Neil.", said Miss Alice loudly, but Neil didn't even look at her. "Neil, there is no easy way to tell thee this." she said, pulling up a chair to his bed-side, "While thee was ill Miss Huddleston and I went to Atlanta...to see Margaret." Neil started and looked at Miss Alice in surprise. "Neil", continued Miss Alice and glancing quickly at Christy and Mac, she lowered her voice even more, "Margaret,", she said, tears filling her eyes, "Neil Margaret is dead...she died in a hospital in Atlanta, Dr.Paget attended her." Neil, still silent, looked away numbly. "There's more Neil.", she said, clasping his hand in hers. "Margaret left a son...your son.", motioning for Mac, she held the small boys hand, "Meet your son, Mac.", said Miss Alice simply. Neil's jaw dropped, as did his emotional barrier, a myriad of emotions flooded across his face, astonishment, confusion, anger, bewilderment...and than nothing, the barrier replaced just as quickly as it had been pierced. Dan Scott walked in with a large bowl of steaming soup, breaking up the silent awkwardness that had quickly descended upon the room. "Miss Huddleston, would thee be so kind as to take Mac outside.", said Miss Alice, relieving Dan Scott of the soup. The door closed behind them and Miss Alice and Neil were left alone in the room. "Neil, we will never fully understand why Margaret ran away so many years ago. It's in the past now and we must, each of us, make our peace with it. But Margaret is dead now, and your son, Mac, is very much alive. He's lost a mother Neil...he *needs* his father. Can't thee see that? Neil, I know thee has forsaken religion, but thee is not useless, thee is not alone. Can't thee see that this is all part of a plan...*God's* plan, if you can't be a doctor, you can be a father", she said, momentarily forgetting the thee's and thou's of her Quaker upbringing as she pleaded with Neil. "God's plan," scoffed Neil. "What God, what plan? Do you know how that fire started Alice? It was me, me!", he said, ripping his hand out of hers. "I drank a whole jug of moonshine, fell asleep, and must have knocked over a candle. It wasn't God's plan, it was me, my anger, and my stupidity. You say it's Gods plan, well than I blame your God, he took away everything that I know how to be and I don't want any part of him. Your God is pain and suffering. Your God is vengeance, I drove Margaret away all those years ago and he exacted his revenge by keeping my son hidden from me." Neil's voice was on the verge of breaking but he continued, "I wasn't a fit husband Alice, how can I be a fit father?", Miss Alice looked at Neil and said gently, "Neil, we are all human. We all make mistakes. God knew this, that's why he sent *his son* to die on the cross for our sins. Who but a loving and caring God would make such a sacrifice?", answered Miss Alice simply. Neil looked up at her, the pain and sorrow blaring from his crippled blue eyes overpowering his ability to speak. "Forgive thyself Neil, let God forgive thee. Mac needs you, Christy needs you," Neil looked sharply at her knowing smile, "And I need you Neil.", she finished softly. Miss Alice exited the room fifteen minutes later with an empty soup bowl and a wide smile on her Quaker face. "Miss Huddleston, boil some water, Neil has requested a shave!", she said, the worry and stress of the past few weeks pouring out of her in great rumbling laughter. Christy looked at Miss Alice in astonishment and than began laughing as well. "Thank God.", she said. "Thank him indeed Miss Huddleston.", said Miss Alice, as their laughter mingled and rolled across the Cove. "Thank him indeed!" ********************************************************************** summary: walking and talking...sorry I’ve been so late in posting this recent chapter, but I’m back at school now and have been extremely busy settling in and trying to reorder my life, thanks for your patience:) “The Secret” Chapter 19 Days passed by and although Neil remained bed-ridden, limited to only a few visitors, his health continued to improve. Dr.Paget greeted the mission table with a broad smile one morning, “Well my friends, my work here is done, all danger of infection has passed. I will stay on a bit, if that’s all right with you good folks,” he said, cocking an eye towards Miss Alice and David, “To monitor his progress, but the best medicine I can prescribe is plenty of fresh air and exercise, in moderation of course, we don’t want any relapses.” He looked at the assembled breakfast crowd for a moment before going on, “This will be a difficult time for him. His vision is still poor and he’ll have to learn that there are limitations to what he can do. I know Neil MacNeill, and he likes to do things as he sees fit, but be firm. Don’t let him wander about outside by himself and don’t let him get too tired...He’ll need all of your help, perhaps now more than ever.” Christy nodded solemnly, as if his words of caution were directed solely at her. “Well,” said Dr.Paget, clasping his hands behind his back, “There’s no time like the present. Neil should be done with his breakfast by now...Miss Alice, David why don’t you come with me...we don’t want him to feel overwhelmed...or ashamed,” he said clearing his voice, “Neil might be a bit reluctant at first.” Christy began to protest, but a look from Miss Alice silenced her. She knew that Dr.Paget was right, Neil’s whole life had revolved around helping people and it would take him a while before he became accustomed to depending on others for help. “Neil,” called Dr. Paget, swinging open the large door. “It’s time for you to get up and out of this bed my friend. The fresh air alone will do you a world of good.”, he said cheerfully. Neil blinked in surprise. “Well now, I don’t....” But having anticipated his reluctance, David and Dr.Paget flanked Neil, each taking ahold of one of his skinny arms, supporting his weight on their own shoulders and before Neil could even finish his sentence lifting him up to a standing position. Miss Alice marveled with horror at the ease with which David and Dr.Paget were able to support Neil’s body weight, what had been muscular bulk honed by years of traveling between mountain communities, was now loose skin and bones. “Come Neil, out to the porch, God has graced us with a beautiful day.”, said Miss Alice encouragingly. “But my eyes, er, that is...”, protested Neil. “We won’t leave you alone my boy.”, whispered Dr.Paget. Haltingly Neil walked down the hall-way, limping slightly, his eyes looking wildly around the room, searching for something, or someone to focus on. Christy stood in the corner wringing her hands with concern, but when Neil’s eyes rested on hers she became calm, her breath caught in her throat and time seemed to slow down. Christy knew his eyes were still badly injured, and that he couldn’t possibly see her, but his gaze was so intense, so terror-stricken, that she knew, she knew that somehow he could see her. Their eyes remained locked as he slowly made his way towards the mission door. Christy could feel him drawing strength from her, could feel the strength leaving her, could see Neil’s terror receded and his confidence grow with every step he took and she was filled with joy. The sudden disengagement of their locked eyes wracked Christy with a searing physical pain, echoed by Neil a second later as he stumbled to the floor. Christy leapt across the room to help support his weight, but Neil’s eyes, now filled with anger, halted her in mid-step. Glaring at her Neil struggled to break free from David and Dr.Paget’s grasp, “I’m fine. I can manage on my own. Let me go I’m fine.”, he repeated angrily, but David and Dr.Paget held firm. Mac pushed between the two men and took his father's hand in his. Neil looked down on his small son in surprise and stopped struggling. Reluctantly he allowed himself to be helped out to the porch where Miss Alice helped him into a chair, and covered him snugly with a quilt. With each day that passed, Neil became stronger and stronger. Christy tried to talk to him, but her mere presence, seemed to cause a noticeable change in Neil’s mood. Christy would hear his laughter somewhere in the mission, and rush towards its source, anxious to hear his deep rumbling laughter, to see his head thrown back and his face lined with the happiness of the old Neil, the Neil she knew; but as soon as she entered the room, no matter how quiet or how softly she tread, Neil sensed her presence and his laughter immediately stopped. His face became a blank mask marred only by brief flashes of anger whenever Christy spoke. Christy tried to talk to him, but he avoided her like the plague. Christy couldn’t understand why, but she sensed she was hurting him somehow, so she took to following his example, avoiding him or watching him from a great distance. She was still drawn by his laughter, drawn by his deep Scottish brogue, but she couldn’t bear to be the source of any more pain for him so she no longer entered the room, satisfied instead with standing silently in the hallway with her eyes closed, listening to his strong calming voice that had not been altered by the accident, and pretending that she was standing by a moonlit river with him, or being comforted by him on the night covered porch of the mission. Christy resumed her teaching duties, but it was obvious that neither her mind nor her heart were on the children. She would stop in mid-sentence and stare into space for several minutes, jarred back into reality by one of the children’s concerned voices. At the end of the day she was so exhausted it took all of her strength to walk back to the mission house. Christy knew she couldn’t go on like this, knew she couldn’t continue walking like a shadow in Neil’s wake and constantly causing him pain, but she didn’t know what to do. Finally her answer arrived in a letter bearing the return address of Dr. Ferrand. Christy opened the letter with shaking fingers and read with a mixture of dread and relief of Dr.Ferrand’s request to meet with her in Asheville to discuss her re-assignment as a teacher. Numbly Christy began packing, resolving to leave as soon as she found Miss Alice. Searching for Miss Alice she encountered Neil sitting on the porch. “Do you know where Miss Alice is?”, she asked him, walking to the edge of the porch and looking into the distance. He looked at her without speaking for a moment, “Alice, Dan and William were called away to Low Gap, medical emergency of some sort.”, he said vaguely, slowly standing up. Christy could see David’s tall lanky form outlined in the school house doorway and could hear fragments of the children’s voices reciting passages from the Bible. Christy looked intensely at the school house, at David and the children, and than she looked intensely at Neil’s retreating back, eagerly memorizing the details of what she had once taken for granted and, in a day or more, might leave behind her forever. “Neil?”, asked Christy warily. He stopped, but than resumed his still halting walk into the mission house. Christy rushed across the porch, and grabbed his arm, Neil winced and she immediately withdrew her hand. “Neil.”, she pleaded. “Neil MacNeill, talk to me! Tell me what I’ve done! Do you hear me?” she said in a ragged voice, but he kept his back to her. “Neil, I don’t know what I’ve done, what I’ve said...how I’ve hurt you. Whatever it is, whatever it is I’ve done, tell me! Yell at me, but tell me, let me help you...please...”, Christy grasped the porch railing weakly. “Neil, I care about you, please...I...I...love you.”, she said in the lowest of whispers. An almost imperceptible shudder coursed the length of Neil’s body, but he resumed his slow halting walk into the mission. With a shuddering sigh, Christy fell wearily into a chair. She was no longer a fit teacher, and the children had managed without her during Neil’s sickness, it seemed to Christy that no one in Cutter Gap needed her now, that there was nothing left for her here and she resolved to delay her departure only until Miss Alice returned. ********************************************************************** summary: Neil and Dr.Paget have a talk. “The Secret” Chapter 20 Miss Alice, Dan Scott and Dr. Paget arrived home late the next day. “We didn’t mean to be away so long,” said Dan Scott. “There was feuding in Low Gap”, continued Miss Alice. “Several gunshot wounds.”, finished Dr.Paget. Christy couldn’t help but notice a brief flash of interest streak across Neil’s face, but when he noticed Christy watching him his brow furrowed in anger and, struggling to his feet he limped out of the room. Dr.Paget watched their brief exchange thoughtfully. “Thank you Miss Huddleston.”, he said, accepting a chair and plate of warm food. After serving the trio welcome plates of food, Christy shooed them off to bed. Neil and Dr.Paget were walking late the next afternoon, as had become their habit; Neil found that he could talk objectively with Dr.Paget about his injuries and distance himself from his emotions by lapsing into a medical prognosis for his future. “How did the accident happen Neil?”, asked Dr.Paget suddenly. Neil stopped abruptly. “We’ve discussed your injuries from every angle Neil. We’ve laid out the possibilities for your future. Your eyes are improving everyday, and when your spectacles arrive you’ll be able to see a great deal better. I am soundly convinced that your career as a medial doctor is not over....my point is boy, we’ve discussed everything but the accident itself. You’re healing physically, I can see that plainly, but I’ve a responsibility to make sure that the rest of you heals too....Many of my colleagues laugh at my notions, but I’m of the belief that healing the physical wounds only solves part of the problem...” Dr.Paget ‘s words hung patiently in the late afternoon breeze. Neil ran his fingers through his hair, and leaning up against a tree for support slid slowly to the ground. “I was angry, I drank a bottle of moonshine and fell asleep, or passed out, I don’t know...,” he said hurriedly, avoiding Dr.Paget’s probing eyes. “...I must have knocked over a candle.”, he said holding his head in his hand. “What were you angry about?”, asked Dr.Paget gently. Neil didn’t answer. “Neil?”, prodded Dr.Paget. “I was angry at her.”, said Neil softly. Dr.Paget raised his eyebrow quizzically. “William, I was a married man, but I was in love with Christy Huddleston.” Neil admitted. “When Margaret returned, and Christy accepted the preacher’s proposal of marriage...”, Neil said disjointedly. After pausing to collect his thoughts he continued in a ragged voice, “when I saw the ring on Christy’s finger...something broke in me. *I* was married, but I couldn’t bear to see her marry someone...someone...” Dr.Paget knelt down by Neil’s side, and laying a hand on his shoulder waited for him to continue. “I couldn’t fathom her marrying someone who wasn’t me, but my God man, *I* was married!”, he repeated, as if by repetition, he would be absolved of his guilt. “It tore me up inside, I was angry at Margaret, but also riddled with guilt...that I had somehow driven her away all those years ago and I wanted to make it up to her somehow, but I just couldn’t, I didn’t have anything left to give Margaret.”, finished Neil wearily. “Neil”, began Dr.Paget, settling himself on the earth beside him. “Being a doctor is a difficult profession to manage, and you’ve had it tougher than most. I’ve worked all my life in hospitals, I’ve worked long hours and seen terrible things, but there were other doctors...and than there was God.” Neil stiffened. “Oh, we’ve had some grand religious debates, you and I.”, said Dr.Paget nostalgically. “Do you remember them Neil? You always used science and logic as your ‘irrefutable evidence’, those were your very words if I recall. And I always used faith, but faith can’t be proven, it can’t be addressed with theories or scientific notions...faith is blind.” Neil grimaced and closed his own damaged eyes but Dr.Paget continued. “But it was my faith that got me through the long hours, through the sickness and the death because I always knew that in spite of whatever I did, it was always and entirely in God’s hands. We are in the business of saving lives you and I, but we’re not God, we have our limitations and being human, we make mistakes.” Dr.Paget paused, glancing warily at his friend. “I don’t mean to preach to you, but I find such solace in prayer and in God, it gives me peace Neil, a peace I hope you’ll have some day.” Neil spared Dr.Paget a glance but said nothing. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like working here in Cutter Gap all by yourself, and trying to manage a marriage.”, continued Dr.Paget. “The people in Cutter Gap depended on you, they needed you..they still do. I’ll grant you Margaret depended on you and needed you too, but I’d warrant that when it came down to spending an evening with your wife or saving a man’s life...as a doctor, you never had a choice. You can’t keep blaming yourself for trying to be a good doctor Neil. You can’t second guess yourself either, Margaret is gone Neil, and it’s not your fault.” said Dr.Paget firmly. “I know, and I should feel grief, I should feel something...but there’s nothing.”, said Neil helplessly. “You feel guilty, and that’s something at least..”, said Dr.Paget. “You grieved for Margaret’s death a long time ago. Let go of your anger and your guilt Neil, think of when the two of you were happy.” Neil looked off into the distance, remembering the wind in his hair and Margaret’s voice in his ear as he soared down the hill on that bicycle all those years ago. He remembered the expression of utter happiness on her face when he had proposed to her in the watering trough and her squeal of delight as he sloshed out of the tank and pulled her into his arms. “You must let her go Neil. Margaret is gone. I only knew Margaret in her last few hours, but even when she was accepting Jesus Christ into her heart,” Neil started and looked at him in surprise. Dr.Paget nodded for emphasis and continued. “Even when she was staring death in the face, she showed such courage and seemed so full of life...and I’m sure that’s what she would want you to do too. To embrace life.” The two sat in silence, listening to the wind rattle the leaves and the birds calling good-night to each other across the Cove. “She loves you, did you know that Neil.”, said Dr.Paget. “What?”, asked Neil numbly. “Christy, she loves you.”, said Dr.Paget. Neil looked up at him blankly, “I know, she told me. But I fear it’s not love Miss Huddleston feels for me, it’s *pity* William, and can you blame her?”, asked Neil viciously, pointing to where his arm should have been. “Neil MacNeill,”, said Dr.Paget, shaking Neil by the shoulder. “If you can’t tell the difference between love and pity...why Christy Huddleston doesn’t pity you because of your injuries, she doesn’t even see them...” “He’s right.” The two looked up in surprise. “I didn’t mean to overhear,” said David, walking out of the underbrush. “But I’m glad I did. Christy’s happiness means everything in the world to me, that’s why I came looking for you”, said David leaning up against a tree. “She doesn’t love me Neil, she’s always loved you. Always.”, he emphasized. “I suppose I always knew it...I was always afraid of it. But I don’t think Christy knew until you became sick, until she thought you might die. Did you know that when you were sick Christy stayed by your bed day and night, she refused to leave your side...not even to teach the children.” Neil looked up in him surprise. “Neil”, continued David. “I wish you could have seen Christy’s face when I told her you were alive. I’ve never seen a human being so happy in all my life. The look on her face was one of utter joy. I would be the last one in the world to admit it, but she loves *you* Dr.MacNeill.” “Talk to her Neil.”, said Dr.Paget gently. Neil covered his eyes with his hand for a moment before speaking, his guttural Scottish brogue laden with pain, “I’ve pushed her away all these weeks, I’ve got to talk to her....David,” he said suddenly. “You said you came looking for us...why?!”, he asked. “Christy’s leaving Cutter Gap. I’m taking her to the train station tomorrow, she’s going home to Asheville and than to another teaching assignment.” Neil looked up at him wildly and began struggling frantically to stand up. “Cutter Gap needs Christy, and she needs Cutter Gap.”, said David matter of factly, helping Neil to his feet. “I tried to stop her from leaving, but I think you’re the only one that can.”, said David. Neil nodded and began running blindly towards the mission house. David and Dr.Paget were a second behind him, saving him from running head-long into a tree. “Take it easy Neil, it wouldn’t do for you to get hurt now would it.”, said Dr.Paget. Neil nodded, too overwrought to speak, and dragging David and Dr.Paget behind him, started off more slowly towards the mission. When they came within sight of the tall frame of the mission house they could see someone running towards them. “It looks like Alice.”, said David peering through the twilight. “Thank God,” gasped Miss Alice from the darkness. “It’s Christy.”, she said, reaching the small group.. “I came back from a visit to the McHone’s.”, she said, gulping in deep breaths of air. “What is it?”, shouted Neil. “Alice where the devil is Christy?”, he pleaded. “She left this note.” Neil snatched a single sheet of paper out of Alice’s hands. “She’s gone. Gone home to Asheville. Christy is gone, she left by herself.”, repeated Miss Alice, still trying to grasp the enormity of her simple words. “I tried to talk her out of going all together, told her to think about it some more...Dear God in heaven if anything happens to her, it’s nearly night and she’s so weak, hasn’t been eating well, hasn’t slept....”, Miss Alice ticked the points off on her tremoring fingers. “Don’t worry Alice, I’ll find her.”, called Neil, already stumbling towards the barn. “Thee is not riding to El Pano tonight, not in thy condition.”, said Miss Alice, catching him by the arm. “I’ll go.”, she said. Neil shook off Miss Alice, “I’m going Alice, you stay here in case she comes back”, he said. “And I’m going with him.”, said David, catching up to Neil. “Neil MacNeill,” called Miss Alice. “Thee has only just recovered thy health.”, she said, looking helplessly at Dr.Paget. “She’s quite right my boy, your health really isn’t stable enough...” “Blast my health.”, called Neil before disappearing into the barn. Emerging minutes later leading a saddled horse he repeated, “I’m going.” Struggling to mount his horse one-handed, he finally succeeded and wheeling the horse around said, “It’s Christy.” “Don’t worry, we’ll find her.”, said David, snatching the reigns of Neil’s horse out of his hand before he could protest. Leading Neil’s horse behind his own the two set off. “Neil, wait!,” called Miss Alice. David reigned in his horse. “Please, please let me pack you some food and medical supplies...” Neil nodded impatiently, but Alice was already running back towards the mission. She emerged a few minutes later, tossing up a parcel of food and a bag of medical supplies to David. “This came in the mail for thee.”, said Miss Alice, grasping Neil’s horse by the halter and holding up a small package. Clumsily opening the package Neil awkwardly unfolded the bows of the long awaited spectacles and set them on the bridge of his nose. With a nod to David the two set off at a brisk pace. “God Speed!”, called Dr.Paget to their retreating backs. “And God keep thee.”, whispered Miss Alice. ********************************************************************** summary: Neil and David look for Christy. Disclaimer:The beautiful tale of "Christy" was written by Catherine Marshall, and is owned by the Marshall and LeSourd families. The following work, based on the characters and places created in "Christy",is written for my own enjoyment and I have no intention of financial or otherwise gain from it. “The Secret” Chapter 21 The night was dark and thick with the smell of rain, and with not even the moon or the stars to guide them, David and Neil rode their horses on through the tangled underbrush. They pushed forward in silence, any attempts at conversation lost in the rising howl of the wind. They came to a clearing and the air was suddenly still save for the nervous whinnying of their horses. Both men looked hopefully to the heavens for a break in the cloud-cover, but just as suddenly the sky poured down upon them buckets of freezing, blinding rain. “We’ve got to stop!!”, called David, reigning in their horses under the meager protection of a small grove of trees. “I’m not stopping!”, shouted Neil hoarsely, trying unsuccessfully to wrest his reigns from David’s firm grip. “We won’t find her tonight, not now, not in this!”, shouted David, struggling to be heard over the roar of the rain, but Neil had already slid to the ground and was pressing forward on foot. Wearily David slid to the ground and lunging after the stubborn Scott shouted, “Neil listen to me!” But Neil ignored him. Grasping him by the shoulders David spun him around and shouted into his face, “We’re stopping for the night! Do you hear me! We’ll never find her in this...nobody could!!” Neil's face was pale and drawn, his hair plastered to his head, his spectacles were eschew and although it had only been raining a few minutes he was already shivering fiercely. Reaching out a comforting hand to Neil David wondered where the man had found the strength to make it this far, "Neil, you're not well yet. Please...let's stop." Straightening his spectacles Neil looked at David with eyes that lit up his entire face, radiating the strength of a man determined not to fail. "I’m not stopping David. I’m not stopping until I find her!”, and with a surge of strength freed himself from David’s grasp. David sighed but struggled after him, knowing from experience that nothing on earth could stop Neil MacNeil when he’d set his mind (or in this case his feet) on something. Blinded by sheets of never-ending rain, dragged down by their water-laden clothes, the two pushed on through the night, conscious of the natural elements but driven by a purpose and a woman greater than any either of them had ever known. The late morning found the pair within site of the train station, but with no sign of Christy. The rain had tapered off to a drizzle by the time they deposited their weary horses in the stables. David gestured towards one of the stable’s other occupants, “That’s Christy’s horse.” Neil nodded. “At least we know she made it to El Pano safely.”, sighed Neil with great relief. The two set off towards the train depot. “Howdy boys. What ken I do fer you?”, asked the man behind the ticket counter, eyeing Neil’s empty sleeve curiously. “We’re looking for a friend, her name is Miss Christy Huddleston...she would have bought a one way ticket to Asheville sometime last night. Can you tell us if she boarded the train?”, asked David eagerly. “Well now,” said the man, shuffling through a few sheets of paper, “There was one ticket bought for Asheville, went out on the last train yesterday, but no name given.”, he said. “What does yer friend look like?” “She’s young, blue eyes, little over five feet tall, brown hair...”, said Neil, struggling to remain calm in the face of the man’s nonchalant manner. The man scratched his head thoughtfully, “Don’t recall who bought this here ticket to Asheville but it seems as I do recall a youngish looking girl boardin’ the train...I could be mistaken of course...”, he drawled. Neil shook his head excitedly, “When does the next train for Asheville leave?” “Well now, telephone lines are down, tracks blocked by a tree down the way on account of the storm last night...be a few hours at least.”, said the man. Neil’s face dropped. “We’ll take two tickets.”, said David handing the man a few wet bills. “Thank God she’s all right.”, he said to Neil. Neil managed a weak smile and nodded in agreement. The two made their way across the street to a nearby restaurant and gave into the demands of their stomachs for the next twenty minutes. Neil sat back in his chair and looked thoughtfully across the table at David. “Thank you David.”, he said simply. David looked up, mopping his face with a napkin and replied, “For what?” “For not stopping last night...”,began Neil and than after a long pause he continued in a voice wracked with emotion, “...for making me realize how much I needed Christy and how much I loved her...for loving her and letting her go...for wanting her to be happy...” He paused. “Do you think we could ever be friends, you and I?”, he asked rhetorically, staring off into space. David’s mouth dropped open at the marked change in the typically gruff, cynical, and angry man he had come to know and tolerate. Neil laughed at him, “You needn’t look so astonished Reverend. A simple thank-you will do.”, he said with an arrogance that was all his own. “Dr.MacNeil, in the past we have argued and challenged each other physically and mentally. We’ve argued over everything from religion to moonshine, in fact, I can’t remember another man I’ve disagreed with on so many things. But for once I thank you and I agree with you. We could be friends, we should be friends.”, he said, reaching across the table to shake Neil’s outstretched hand. The hours passed slowly in the El Pano train station but mid-afternoon found Neil and David on a train bound for Asheville. As they neared their destination Neil sat in silence, trying to ignore the pit of dread growing deep in his stomach. Neil struggled to sleep as the sun began to set on yet another day, but the fear grew within him, working its way down his arms and legs, and starting him awake with fierce intensity every time his eyelids drifted shut. Neil struggled to remain calm as he confronted his fear over what he would say to Christy and how she might react, but the fear would not go away. It grew within him, paralyzing him, making his pulse race and his eyes grow wide. Neil jumped, “We’re here.”, said David. “We’ve arrived. Don’t worry Neil, everything will be fine.” Neil nodded automatically, but knew it wouldn’t be all right until he saw Christy’s wide smile and felt the warmth of her wide blue eyes on his face again. Struggling to their feet as the train jolted to a stop the two men pushed their way out of the train, secured a horse and buggy and were bound for the Huddleston residence. It was late when they arrived and the house was dark but Neil raced to the door and pounded ferociously on its large wooden frame. “Hello!”, he called. “Hello!!”, his shouts echoed through the still night air, punctuating his pounding fist. Suddenly the house lit up and a much distraught William and Julia opened the door. Rubbing his eyes sleepily William peered into the darkness at the two shadowy figures; illuminating them with his lantern he blinked his eyes in surprise. “Dr.MacNeil? Reverend Grantland?”, he asked rubbing his eyes. “What are you doing here?” David and Neil stared at him in disbelief. Helpless to hide the horror blanketing his face Neil felt his newly regained strength leaving him and grasped the door-frame for support. “Neil?”, asked William hoarsely, “Why are you here, is something wrong? Is it Christy?”, he asked, all signs of sleep and confusion wiped from his face. “Isn’t she here?”, asked Neil. “Who?”, asked William. “Christy! Isn’t she here?! Where is she?”, he asked, his voice shaking and rising to a fevered pitch. “Christy isn’t here Doctor.”, said William, placing an unsteady hand on his wife’s tremoring shoulders. “She isn’t here.” ********************************************************************** summary: The search for Christy begins. Well folks, its finals week for me, luckily I had started this chapter a while back and it only needed a bit of touching up. But after Thursday count on a seeing a whole lot more of me and "The Secret" around here, wish me luck on my finals and I hope you are all well. “The Secret” Chapter 22 With William’s words echoing in his head Neil felt his knees begin to buckle and was saved from falling to the ground by David’s quick reflexes and strong arms. Slinging Neil’s arm over his shoulder he half-dragged Neil past the still stunned William and Julia, depositing him on the first available piece of furniture. With Neil in a semi-conscious state, David explained to the now seated William and Julia what had transpired over the past few days. Julia, clutching William’s hand with white knuckles, stuttered, “But...but...what does that mean...where..where is she?” David looked at the white-faced Julia and the tight-lipped William, these were Christy’s parents and he wanted to protect them from his worst fears, he started to speak and stopped. He meant well, but knew it would be wrong to tell them anything less than the truth so gently but honestly he began again, “She must have fallen off of her horse, or been thrown somewhere between Cutter Gap and El Pano.” Julia gasped and tears began to flow freely down her cheeks as she realized for the fist time the ominous enormity of her daughter’s plight. A stream of emotions flashed across William’s face, struggling to remain calm he said haltingly, “I’ll phone the mission in Cutter Gap so they can begin searching. Is Dr.MacNeil fit to travel?”, he asked, nodding towards Neil’s prostrate body. Neil’s eyes flashed open, he struggled to sit up but the journey and the shock had sapped all of the strength he had regained since his accident. He fell back to the couch with a resounding thud and groaned. David felt Neil’s forehead before remarking, “He’s running a fever.” “Blast it all I’m fine.”, sputtered Neil, struggling to sit up. “Neil, you’re not fine. Julia, send for the Doctor....Reverend, support him around the waist won’t you please.”, said William, slinging Neil’s arm over his shoulder. “Easy now...we’ll move him into the guest bedroom, just down the hall there.”, said William. Struggling weakly against the two men Neil began to protest again. Suddenly he was silent and David and William felt his body begin to slump to the ground. “Take his shoulders David.”, said William rushing around to his feet. Gently the two men carried the unconscious Doctor down the hall. After depositing him safely in bed and placing a wet cloth on his fever stricken forehead the two men made hurried preparations to leave. William phoned the train station to make arrangements for their trip back to El Pano and tried the Cutter Gap mission again, but their lines were still down. They met the doctor as they were leaving for the train station and escorted him to Neil’s bedside. Neil was moving restlessly, muttering the same incoherent words over and over again “Tha Gaol Agam Ort. Tha Gaol Agam Ort..” And than finally, in the midst of the jumbled nonsensical words Neil yelled in a voice that betrayed his weakened state, “Tha Gaol Agam Ort...Christy!” Returning to Neil’s bedside David leaned close to Neil’s fire scarred face “I’ll find her Neil. I’ll bring her back to you.”, he said softly. Than, turning on his heel he hurried out of the room. The train back to El Pano clicked steadily along, David stared numbly out of the window, “We should have waited in El Pano...we shouldn’t have left until we had talked to you on the telephone...until we knew where Christy was.” William patted David on the shoulder, “The telephone lines were down, still are...Julia will keep trying, but we might reach El Pano before they’re repaired. You had every reason to believe Christy *was* home...David”, he looked up. “Just let it be, I’m sure she’s fine.”, he said, but his words were hollow and hung awkwardly in the air as if daring either man to defy them. “It’s all in God’s hands now, keep faith Reverend.”, said William with more conviction. “Keep faith.” David nodded ashamed that he hadn’t looked to God in the first place, “How are you holding up sir?”, he asked seriously. “I’m afraid.”, he said honestly, “Afraid that my little girl is lost somewhere out there that she’s...she’s..”, his voice broke. “Reverend,” he said, struggling to maintain his composure, “Would you pray with me?” David nodded and the two men bowed their heads, “Dear Lord”, began David. “Be with our Christy. Help us to find her safe and in good health. But Lord, grant us the strength and the faith to trust in you. Christy’s life is in your hands Lord, to do with as you see fit. Give us strength Lord, especially Neil...” William raised his eyebrows slightly. “help us to keep faith, and be with our Christy. Amen.” The two men looked at each other for a moment. “Reverend?”, asked William after a minute’s silence. “Is there something between Dr.MacNeil and my daughter. She wrote about his accident, the death of his wife and the discovery of his son, but nothing more...”, William’s voice trailed off. “Christy was leaving Cutter Gap, I expect you know that.”, said David. William nodded. “Her decision had a lot to do with Neil. She loves him but Neil is so bitter, so angry at the world, in a way he’s always been like that, but after the accident it was worse...He loves Christy Mr.Huddleston, but was too stubborn to recognize it until it was nearly too late. That’s why we came to Asheville...” “I thought as much. You’re a good man Reverend Grantland, thank you for being the friend my daughter needed.”, said William. The two resumed their silence, each preoccupied with his own thoughts. Dozing restlessly, staring out the window at the passing countryside, both men breathed a mutual sigh of relief when the train finally pulled into the El Pano train station. Disembarking David said rapidly, “I think our best course of action is for you to organize a search party here in El Pano and work your way towards Cutter Gap. I’ll ride back to the mission, I doubt your wife got through to them there so I’ll organize another search party from that end.” William nodded and after they had gathered their horses from the stable each rode off in their respective directions. David pushed his horse as fast as he dared on the ride back to Cutter Gap. He knew that organizing a search party was the best way to find Christy, but as each precious minute ticked by it was all he could do to restrain himself from independently searching for her. His horse raced along as fast as the terrain permitted, but David found himself reigning it in three different times to inspect what looked like pieces of a dress but in reality turned out to be leaves, branches, or nothing at all. As the mission house came into view he began hollering, and riding up to the church he began ringing the bell with all of his might. He could already see Miss Alice, Dr.Paget, Ruby Mae and Fair Light emerging from the mission and in the distance more people were rapidly making their way towards the pealing bell, which never rang on Saturdays. As Miss Alice drew nearer, she shouted, “David? David what is it? What’s wrong? Where’s Christy?” Motioning for Ruby Mae to continue ringing the bell David shouted, “She’s gone, her horse was in El Pano and the ticket collector thought he’d seen her...We went to Asheville but she wasn’t there. Mr.Huddleston is organizing a search in El Pano!!” All of the color drained from Miss Alice’s round face and she leaned heavily on Dr.Paget’s proffered arm. Fair Light’s lip quivered but she knew that there was no time for tears, “I’ll fetch yer horses.”, she told Miss Alice and Dr.Paget. As more people began arriving David assigned them an area to search and it was not long before everyone, young and old, men and women, were searching the hills and gullies of Cutter Gap for the young school teacher who had so drastically touched all of their lives. ********************************************************************** The Secret Chapter 23 Searching as long as there was day-light, it was near the end of the fourth day that David caught a glimpse of movement in the trees ahead of him. Spurring his horse forward, his breath caught in his throat as he strained to make out... "Christy!", he was about to cry, when he came face to face with William Huddleston. "David?!", asked William, intently scanning David's face. David was about to speak but William held up his hand, unable to hear the disappointment mirrored in David's face, Christy had not been found. Searching an area nearly five miles wide and seven miles long, the two search parties had met in the middle and now there was nothing left to search, no where left to go, and both men knew it. As the sun slowly sank in the sky and the shadows threatened to overtake them, the two men silently turned their horses towards the sound of voices and the crackling of cooking fires in the distance. A great wave of silence raced ahead of them as David and William rode into the makeshift camp. The sixty or more people from Cutter Gap and El Pano slowly stood up and bowed their heads in silence as the two men rode by them. Dismounting near a large fire their horses were led away and food was pressed into their hands. Several children, including young Mac stood whispering along the outskirts of the fire. With both Christy and David absent, Fairlight had tried to maintain some semblance of a school but to no avail. One day filled with worried questions and pleas to help with the search was enough for Fairlight. She was frantic herself with worry and was glad for the opportunity to help in the search. Strictly telling the children to search in large groups with older students or adults, and to report to their families by nightfall, she had set them loose on the hills and valleys that they had grown up in. The children were slowly edging towards the two dejected men to ask if they had found any sign of their school teacher when a large commotion broke out on the edge of camp. Shouts of "Howdy Doc!" and "Bless me, if it aint Doc MacNeil!", heralded the news across the camp as fast as wild fire. Both William and David looked up in surprise as a pale and drawn Neil MacNeil accompanied by Julia Huddleston slowly rode into camp. "Julia?", exclaimed William in astonishment as his wife slid off her horse and into his embrace. Neil slid off of his horse with a groan, steadied by the body of his young son who had rushed forward at the sight of his father. Neil shrugged off the boy's lingering grasp as he strode towards David. "You shouldn't have come Neil, you're not well enough.", said David taking in his ghostly features at a glance. "There was no stopping him.", interrupted Julia. "As soon as his fever broke he could think of nothing else but finding Christy...You've found her of course. I told him you would.", she said merrily. Scanning the crowd of somber faces her smile slowly evaporated, "You have found her, haven't you?", she asked emphasizing and enunciating each word carefully as if making sure they understood her. "It's been days and days...Where is she, where's my daughter?! Christy?!", she called hysterically into the darkness, but no one answered. William folded her flailing arms into an embrace and slowly led her away from the fire. "What are you all standing around here for?", asked Neil in what was meant to be a bellow of rage but came out as a hoarse whisper. "Why aren't you out searching?", he asked, looking wildly from one face to the other. Swinging around he looked frantically for his horse. David rested an arm on his shoulder in an attempt to calm the man. "We haven't given up hope Neil...but there's nowhere left to search.", whispered David, knowing that nothing short of the truth would help Neil now. Neil felt the air whistle out of his teeth, as if he had been punched in the stomach, and gasping for breath he nearly doubled over with pain. Mac clung to the legs of his father, perhaps hoping to lend some of his strength to this near stranger of a father, but Neil was oblivious to everything and everyone but the prospect of a life without the one person he thought he needed the most. Miss Alice stepped out of the shadows and laying a hand on Neil's arm said, "Neil, there's nothing thee can do tonight. It's dark and there's no moon, surely thee can see that.", she said gesturing to the night sky. "Rest tonight and we'll start looking again at day-break." Returning to David she said, "Rest is in order for you as well Reverend. We'll résumé the search at dawn. Good-night all.", she said sternly. Slowly the crowd dispersed, disappearing into the shadows and settling in for the night. Neil fell asleep to the strains of John Spencer's harmonica but awoke to the sounds of Miss Alice's frantic voice. Fiercely shaking his shoulder she was shouting something at him but he couldn't understand her. As the sleep slowly cleared from his eyes he could see fear and worry blanketing her normally calm demeanor, tears streaking down her face. Struggling to shake the sleep and lingering sickness from his weary body he silently mouthed, "Christy?" Than, sitting up he asked outloud, "What is it? What's wrong? Have you found Christy?!" ********************************************************************** summary: I hate writing summarys because it gives away what's going to happen in the chapter and I work really hard to build up the suspense in most of my chapters...you'll have to trust me on this one, a lot of big things happen in this chapter so please read on and, as always, tell me what you think, this one was tough to write.... Chapter 24 It took several minutes for Neil to make some sense out of what Miss Alice was saying. Looking up at her in bewilderment he grasped her arm, "Just tell me Alice...is it Christy?" Miss Alice shook her head from side to side. Neil smiled up at her in relief, unable to think beyond the safety and well-being of the one person who haunted his dreams and consumed his every waking moment. There was still hope, whatever was wrong, whatever was making Miss Alice cry...it wasn't Christy! Neil's smile was slowly replaced with bewilderment as the abnormality of Miss Alice's tear streaked face penetrated his mind. "I can't blame him for going Neil. For looking for the only thing that his father cares about. Oh Neil, Christy is like a daughter to me and I trust that God will lead us to her yet, but Mac...", Neil shook his head in confusion, "Mac?" Miss Alice threw up her hands, and struggling to maintain her Quaker patience continued, "Your son is gone Neil." He blinked in surprise. "He told the other children that *he* was going to find Christy, that he would search until he found her...the other children didn't take him seriously, they never thought he would go off by himself but he has...and he's gone." Neil looked at her in silence, not quite sure what to say. "He is doing this for thee.", she said simply. "What?", asked Neil, struggling to his feet. "To prove himself to thee. Thee hasn't spared Mac a glance since thee rode into camp, haven't exchanged more than a few dozen words with him over these past few months. He is thy son Neil and he loves thee. Christy told him about thee and I dare say Margaret did too, and he's watched thee all these months Neil...he's tried to get thy attention...thee is his father Neil.", she exclaimed suddenly. Neil stumbled backward as these last words flowed over him like a bucket of ice cold water. "I blame myself too.", said Miss Alice, putting her face in her hands. "I haven't given the boy the attention he's deserved. These past few months have flown by so quickly, with Margaret's death, your accident...I've watched Christy deteriorate and now she's disappeared, oh and David's decision..." "What about David?", interrupted Neil. "He was offered a position at a church in Boston several months ago, apparently the position is still open and he's decided to take it. He's leaving Cutter Gap and I've been trying to find a replacement..." Miss Alice spoke for several more minutes, but Neil was so preoccupied by his thoughts that he didn't hear her. "Alice,", he interrupted her, his Scottish brogue laced with emotion. Miss Alice looked at Neil, shocked into silence by the odd expression on his face. "You're right. I am Mac's father. I have a son.", he said slowly. "I have a son Alice, how could I have been so blind?", he asked ironically. "I haven't been any kind of a father to him. After...after the fire," he cleared his throat. "After the fire I was so bitter..." He held up his hand, obviously sorting out his thoughts and emotions as he spoke, "No, no I was bitter and angry long before the fire. I blamed myself for Margaret's death, for my patient's death and when I couldn't bear the blame anymore I lashed out at God and blamed him. I was angry at the world Alice, at David, at Christy...and at you.", he brushed back the hair from his forehead, revealing scores of white puckered scars from the fire. "But after the fire, I felt worthless, a failure...the one thing I had done well in the world had been taken away from me. Don't you see? I had failed as a husband but I could always be a doctor, it was so much a part of me and after the accident I couldn't even do that...and I felt like I had died...in here.", he patted his chest. "I was so afraid of the future. I wanted to die, so I pushed everyone away from me. Everyone who tried to help me, everyone who I needed...Everyone seemed able to look beyond the scars...except for me.", he said, his voice quivering. "My God Alice, what have I done to my son?", he asked. Miss Alice met his query with a characteristic Quaker silence. Taking his hand in her own she faced the rising sun and bowed her head, "Dear Lord, we are all sinners but thee made the ultimate sacrifice by sending thy only son to die for our sins. For this we are ever thankful. Lord, grant us peace, give us strength, and guide us today as we search for thy servants, Mac and Christy. Amen." Miss Alice looked at Neil out of the corner of her eye and felt the tears slide down her face again, for Neil's head was bowed in prayer as well. Before the sun's rays had stretched across all of the camp, men, women, and children were awake and hastily making breakfast before setting out to search for Christy, and now Mac. Neil found his horse picketed nearby and with the help of Miss Alice saddled and mounted it, and, accepting a slice of bread from Fairlight rode into the woods with Miss Alice close behind him. The pair searched until the sun had reached its zenith and, as it was descending, Miss Alice turned to Neil and said, "We have to turn back Neil. It's getting dark...we've been searching all day Neil. Maybe they've found them back at camp.", she said. Slowly Neil nodded, too tired to argue, and they circled their horses back in the direction they had come from. Plodding along, Neil's eyes wearily scanned the trees, the leaves, any movement, any clue or sign of Christy or Mac. Suddenly a small shape darted across their trail. Both Neil and Miss Alice's horses reared up in surprise and Neil felt himself sailing through the air, his remaining arm unable to maintain a firm enough grasp on the reigns. Grunting heavily as he fell onto a large pile of leaves he quickly stood up and adjusting his spectacles, peered up the trail; but one word from Miss Alice had him bounding up the trail as if his life depended on it, the bruises of his fall quite forgotten. "Mac?" Miss Alice had no sooner uttered the word than Neil was kneeling by the small quivering boy, pulling him into an enormous bear-hug. "Thank God! Thank God!", he found himself spontaneously proclaiming. "I'm sorry Mac, so sorry.", he sobbed into the boys thin shoulder. Mac was shocked into silence for a moment but than pushed his father away, "She's gone.", he said simply. Neil, uncomprehending, tried to pull the boy back into an embrace. But, as the full shock of the small boy's two simple words penetrated his skull, his hand fell to his side. "Who?", he shouted, afraid that he wouldn't be heard over the deafening thud of his heart. "Miz Christy. I found her by the river as white as a sheet, not breathing neither.", he said, pointing towards a grove of trees beyond which, barely discernible was the glinting snake of the river. Hauling himself to his feet Neil began running towards the river, but everything seemed to be moving so slow, as if in a dream. He could hear Miss Alice shouting behind him, could hear the thudding of his own feet and the pattering of Mac's as he quickly overtook him, it was as if his mind had stopped, and unable to think, he mechanically followed the young boy to the banks of the same river that he had blamed for taking Margaret from his so long ago. He saw her even before he reached the river, stretched out at the waters edge ten feet across on the opposite bank. Stumbling down the bank he fell into the water with a loud splash, the freezing cold water jolting his stupefied mind life. A thousand memories flashed through his mind all at once....the first time he had seen Christy while operating, standing proudly beside her at Ida's wedding, dancing at his cabin, a chance encounter at the river...he fell forward into the water, struggling and flailing into the waist high current. He heard someone talking and looked hopefully at Christy before realizing it was his own voice. "Dear God in heaven. I know you're there though I've spent most of my life fighting you.", he choked out the words but than they flowed from his lips, years of pent up rage released, "Lord, you sent your only son to die on the cross but returned my only son to me though I am only a poor sinner and don't deserve such kindness. Forgive me for the years of bitterness...dear God in heaven above I accept you!", he whispered, than, as if afraid that God hadn't heard him he shouted it again to the night sky, "I accept you!" Humbled by the profound commitment of this simple state he continued meekly, "I am your instrument, do with me and my life as you see fit.", he said. And standing in the middle of the river, Neil slowly bowed his head and gave himself up to God by accepting Jesus Christ into his heart. Finally, Neil looked up at the star-lit sky, nodded his head once and moved towards Christy's still and silent body. She looked so small, so white and motionless, Neil's heart was in his throat by the time he reached the opposite bank. Dripping with water he knelt by her side and slowly reached out to clasp her ghost-like hand in his... ********************************************************************** summary: I’ve revised this chapter to death (no prophetic pun intended...or is it?! :) so I’m just going to post it so I can move on. Chapter 25 As Neil reached out for Christy, his hand was shaking so violently that he put it to his forehead for a moment, as if hoping to steady both the hand, and his whirling thoughts. He hadn't practiced medicine in months, not since before the fire...Christy obviously required medical attention, would he be able to provide it? His confidence in his skills as a doctor had taken a mighty blow since the loss of his arm and the partial loss of his eyesight, he didn't know if he could trust himself...And at the very bottom of his thoughts, the one thought that screamed at him over and over, that drowned out all other thoughts: What if he couldn't help Christy? What if she was beyond his help? Slowly Neil looked at Christy's still form, his vision was blurry and he blinked his eyes several times before realizing that his new spectacles had been lost. He felt light-headed and began to worry that the sickness that had kept him in Asheville was returning; but exhaling sharply he realized, much to his relief, that he simply been holding his breath. Breathing, in and out, in and out, his thoughts slowly calmed and than a Bible verse that he had heard years ago suddenly burst forth from his lips with startling clarity, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Feeling a great wave of peace rush over him, and looking up at the heavens Neil knew who he could trust now, who he should trust...He knew that God had brought his son Mac to him so he could be a father and he knew that if it was God's will he could still be a Doctor to the people of Cutter Gap. As long as he put his trust in the Lord, all would be well. But more importantly, he knew that God had a plan for his life and that the next few moments would determine whether or not that plan included Christy Huddleston. Feeling strangely calm, Neil reached out his callused work-worn hand to take Christy's small, delicate one in his own. No sign of movement...nothing. Forcing himself to breathe, Neil’s fingers worked to find a pulse in her thin wrist. Agonizing seconds passed until Neil's hearing, honed to fine precision in the months since the fire...heard something. Quickly he leaned over Christy, and bringing his ear closer to her mouth Neil not only heard her shallow breaths, but could feel her warm breath tickling his ear. Looking across the river he shouted, "She’s alive, but suffering from exposure! Start a fire...Mac, gather some dry wood. This is probably the best place to cross, I’ll come over and get one of the horses and take her back across...”, he said. Miss Alice gave him a hard look, wondering how the one-armed doctor would manage, but decided to trust in his judgment. Waving at him, she disappeared into the woods with Mac in tow. “I’ll be back Christy.”, said Neil to her motionless body, “I’ll never leave you again...”, he whispered, stumbling back into the water. Quickly riding the horse back across he slid off and, wrapping her in a blanket managed to maneuver Christy and himself back onto the horse by propping her in the saddle and swinging up behind her. Cradling his precious cargo in his arms he crossed the stream and rode into the glow of the crackling fire just as Mac was depositing an armload of dry wood onto the ground. Depositing her into Miss Alice’s waiting arms, Neil dismounted and helped to lay Christy out on a blanket where he could examine her for other injuries. "No internal injuries.”, he said with a furrowed brow. “She took a nasty fall...leg is broken," he mumbled, even as he rigged up a splint to stabilize the leg, "and I'm a bit worried about this bump on her head, but my greatest concern is hypothermia and exposure. She needs dry clothes..." Nodding, Miss Alice headed towards her saddlebag calling back, "So does thee. It won’t do to have two patients.” Reluctantly Neil stumbled back to his horse and, returning minutes later in fresh clothes, found Christy enveloped in one of Miss Alice’s dresses. Wrapping her in a blanket they both looked up as Mac scurried into the firelight with another armload of wood. He was about to dart back into the darkness when Neil caught his arm. "That's enough for now Mac...good work." The boy smiled shyly and moved closer to the fire to get warm. Neil turned back to Christy. "Rub her feet and legs Alice....we’ve got to try to get her circulation going...I'll rub her arms.", said Neil. Miss Alice nodded. Neil sat down by Christy and, leaning her against his chest began to gently rub life back into her cold hands and arms. "What strength this girl has,", he muttered after several minutes, his voice cracking with emotion. A thundering in the distance caused all three to look up suddenly, “Let’s pray that storm stays clear of us.”, said Neil, but his unspoken thoughts, the prospect of what might happen to Christy if it rained, remained thick in the air, as dark and dangerous as any thunderstorm. Hours passed, and still Christy clung to life. Gradually, her body’s pale pallor was replaced with a red, more healthy glow. Slowly, as the prospect of losing Christy decreased, Neil felt the ball of tension that had taken root in his belly and branched off into his remaining limbs slowly relax and dissipate. Suddenly the days of worrying and exhaustion crashed into him like a speeding train and he rubbed his temple wearily. Miss Alice looked at him in concern, “Thee is still sick thyself. Rest for a while Doctor, there is nothing more thee can do. Leave it in God’s hands.” Neil looked at her before replying softly, “I can’t.” “Neil, I know thee too well.”, she said, shaking her head slowly. “All thy life thee has blamed thyself for the sick that thee cannot heal. It isn’t thy fault Christy is sick...” Running his fingers through his hair, Neil replied, “It’s obvious that Christy was on the verge of exhaustion long before she took this fall. I suspect she went without much sleep or food for weeks...I should have seen the signs, should have made her take care of herself.”, he said choking out the words. “I am a Doctor Alice, *I* should have taken care of her...”, he said, hesitant to say anymore. Miss Alice looked at him quizzically, “Neil, I have long known that thee and Christy shared a special friendship...I have watched it develop from the moment Christy set foot in Cutter Gap and I have often held it against her, and against you.”, she said, clearing her throat. Neil began to speak but Miss Alice held up her hand, “I was angry at thee for forgetting Margaret...for being friends with Christy. And I was angry at myself for seeing something of Margaret in Christy...” “You saw it too?”, asked Neil in amazement. Miss Alice nodded, “There were considerable differences of course...But in Christy I caught a glimpse of what Margaret might have been like if she hadn’t turned on the world. The same love of life, determination, and passion that characterized Margaret in her youth...and in her death...I love Christy as I so wanted to love Margaret” “I loved Margaret...once. And I will never forget that happiness.”, he said simply. “I know thee did not have a happy marriage...”, she paused, struggling to maintain her composure, “Perhaps I could have done more, maybe I raised Margaret poorly...perhaps if I had been a better mother...to both of you, Margaret would be with us still today and thee would be happily married. But if I live each day wondering about the day before, I can’t move forward. Margaret made me realize that when she forgave me...on her death-bed.”, she choked out the words. “I have Mac, and you, and Christy...all that I need. It’s true that Christy was sick, long before her fall...I too am responsible, I should have made her rest, but she refused to leave thy side, to give up on thee.”, said Miss Alice. Neil looked at the ground in shame. “But that is in the past, Neil. Christy is alive...” “I love her.”, said Neil abruptly, gazing down at Christy’s seemingly lifeless body. “I know.”, said Miss Alice, smiling wearily. “Pray for her recovery Neil, but it is out of thy hands.”, said Miss Alice, finally lapsing back into her Quaker tongue. Neil looked at Miss Alice for a long moment before looking down at his remaining hand. Slowly grinning, he waggled his fingers at Miss Alice, “Kind of makes folding a man’s *hands* in prayer difficult...”, he said solemnly. Chuckling wearily, Miss Alice rolled her eyes in mock frustration, “Bow thy head Doctor.” And twining his hand in her own, they silently prayed together. ********************************************************************** summary: Relocation. “The Secret” Chapter 26 A loud burst of thunder shook them from their prayers. Looking fearfully at the sky Neil shouted into the rising wind, “Pack up Alice...Mac, wake up! We’ve got to get Christy some place dry. When I was a boy I climbed all over these hills, if memory serves me, there are caves less than two miles from here. Alice, you’ll have to take Christy with you...”, he said, rubbing the stump of his amputated arm. Swinging Christy into the saddle with Alice he mounted his own horse, and hauling Mac up after him rode away at a brusque trot. Miss Alice followed Neil’s twisting turning path through the woods as he sought the easiest route over which to move Christy. Suddenly he stopped, dropped Mac to the ground and slid off after him. Before Miss Alice could utter a word, Neil had eased Christy back into his arm and ducked into the gaping mouth of a large cave. Miss Alice and Mac picketed the horses in a stand of trees, dashing into the cave seconds before the sky opened up with a barrage of rain. Gathering up pieces of dry wood lying in the entrance, Miss Alice had a roaring fire blazing within minutes. Rearranging the splint on Christy’s leg Neil nodded thoughtfully, “Once this rain lets up a bit, you and Mac should go back to the main camp. They are bound to be worried and I’ll need you to bring back supplies. I don’t dare move Christy again, she’s made it this far, but I...I c-c-can’t r-r-isk..”, he stuttered, Miss Alice patted him on the shoulder, pulling back her hand in surprise. “Neil!”, she exclaimed, “thee is shivering! And burning up with fever.”, she said, laying her hand on his forehead. “Thee should take Mac and go back to camp. I can take care of Christy.” Neil held up his hand, “I know you c-c-can take care of her Alice. But I c-can’t leave her.” “Neil MacNeill, I’m afraid I must insist. Thee can be of no help to Miss Huddleston while burning of with fever thyself.”, said Miss Alice with all the authority she could muster. “I can’t.”, said Neil simply. “What I mean is, I don’t think I c-c-can r-r-ide. C-camp isnae far.”, he continued, his Scottish burr growing broad and slurred as the weariness of days and weeks caught up with him. “I’ll go, but I’m leaving Mac here.”, she said. “Nay, t-take him..” Ignoring him Miss Alice turned to Mac, “Mac, can thee be brave for me?”, she asked kindly. The small boy nodded fearfully. “I’ll be back soon but I need thee to keep the fire stoked and keep thy Papa and Miss Huddleston warm with blankets. Can thee do that for me?”, she asked. Mac looked at the ground before replying softly, “Yes.” “Good.”, said Miss Alice. “The rain is already beginning to let up. I’ll be back soon.”, she said, giving the small boy a quick hug. Neil watched her, his eyes already glazed over with his struggle to keep the fever at bay long enough for Miss Alice to return with help. Turning to Mac he said, “G-get some s-s-leep. I’ll be okay.” Glancing hesitantly at his Father Mac tossed another branch onto the fire, curled up into a ball and was asleep within minutes. Neil looked at Christy’s small shrunken form lying within Miss Alice’s voluminous dress. Pulling the blanket tightly around her he wiped his brow. His hands came away damp with the sweat his body was using to cool itself down. Wrapping himself in a blanket he moved Christy as closer to the fire. She needed to get warm, stay warm, and fast. He hesitated for a moment as the objective concern of the Doctor and the strict rules of Cove propriety battled briefly, finally, he pulled her close and wrapped his arm around her. Her life depended on getting warm, and hugging her close he prayed that the combined effort of his body warmth and the fire would be enough. For hours he sat, holding her in his arm, praying that he hadn’t been too late. The last few weeks and months played out over and over again in his head. He remembered the all consuming rage he had felt at seeing David’s ring on her finger, culminating in the fire which had literally consumed his arm and much of his vision. He remembered afterwards, the weeks spent in self-pity and bitterness. Ever since Margaret he had built up an impenetrable fortress and pushed everyone away, but after the fire he had tried to push the world away. He didn’t know if Christy could forgive him, he knew he didn’t deserve her, but the love he felt for the small woman resting in his arms burned brighter than the rage that had consumed him so many months ago. Recognizing that he could love again, not only Christy, but his son and Miss Alice, had given him a second chance at the world, he silently prayed that God would give Christy Huddleston a second chance at life. Hours passed, maybe days, but Neil lost all track of time, the constant drumming of the rain reinforcing his sense of timelessness. Shifting her into the crook of his other arm, amputated up to the elbow he marveled at how at how well she fit into his arm, as if she belonged there. Fingering a strand of her long hair, his finger traced her jaw lightly. It was as if he had been off-balance all of his life, marrying the wrong woman, fighting against God, but now, finally, with this small woman in his arms, balance had been restored. He thought about all that Christy had become to him since her arrival in Cutter Gap. She had encouraged him in his research of trachoma, had forced him to see the potential and need for Dan Scott, but most of all she had been his friend, listening to him when Margaret had returned and putting her own needs and well-being aside when he was sick. Overcome by all that Christy had given him, he leaned over her and gently kissed her on the forehead in a tender, unassuming kiss similar to the one he had given her so long ago, after she had been injured in the fire at the school. “I love the way you teach the children...I love the way you love your God...I even love your burnt chicken.", he said with a raspy laugh. "But most of all, I love you, Christy Huddleston.”, he whispered clumsily, his words barely discernible from a mouth thick with fever. “N-Neil?”, asked a small voice. Neil looked wildly about the cave but Mac was still curled up, fast asleep. A slight movement in his arms made him look down at Christy, here eyelids were fluttering, struggling to open, she was awakening but still not fully conscious. “Aye, Christy.”, he said, “Do you hear me?”, he called, but her eyes were closed again and feeling her sigh contentedly in his arms he knew that she was no longer unconscious but sleeping very deeply. Sighing heavily in reply he gripped her tightly for a moment before relaxing and sinking into a sleepless stupor. His eyes were shrouded with fever, but as long as his physical connectin with Christy remained, he was afraid to close them; afraid that if he did give in to the fever he would wake up as from a dream, and she would be gone. Staring blankly at the flickering flames of the fire he was numb to anything and everyone beyond the small world he shared with the woman in his arms. He heard voices and the jangling of harnesses. A shadow moved in front of him, a voice from far away called his name and tried to ease Christy out of his arms. He struggled weakly to hold onto her, afraid to let go of her, but the voice was persistent and finally managed to gently pull Christy away from him. Two strong pairs of arms hauled him to his feet and dragged him out of the cave and than, his connection broken with Christy, the strange world of shadows melted together forming a thick black wave of unconsciousness that carried a grateful Neil MacNeill away on its healing waves. ********************************************************************** summary: It’s late and I can’t think of a decent summary, it’s pretty unprecedented that I get out two chapters in a row anyway so I figure you guys will cut me some slack:) “The Secret” Chapter 27 Neil woke up gasping for breath. “Where’s Christy?”, he asked wildly into the darkness, but no one answered. Wondering briefly if he had died, Neil sighed with relief as his eyes, although blurry, gradually adjusted to the darkness of the mission room he had come to call home. Frantic with worry over Christy’s condition and perhaps filled with an unconscious impulse to re-establish a physical connection with her and knowing that she must be close by he stumbled out of bed. Feeling his way across the room with his hand and bare feet he bumped into the wall with a muffled thump. Dizzily he felt for the door and just when he thought he might pass out again his probing fingers grasped the cool metal of the door-knob. Revitalized, he silently swung open the door and slowly made his way towards Christy’s bedroom. Holding onto the door-frame Neil felt his heart physically wrench in his chest; the room appeared to be empty. Sick to his stomach,, Neil wondered if he had perhaps stumbled into Hell instead, but as he drew nearer to her bed he finally saw her, a small nearly imperceptible form illuminated by the gleaming moon-light streaming in through her bed-room window. The blazing blue light from the moon cast an ethereal, dream-like quality on the room, and Neil reflexively reached out to touch her face as if to assure himself that she was indeed real. Smoothing a long strand of her hair out of her eyes his hand hung suspended over her mouth until he felt the warmth of her breath on his fingertips. Collapsing into a chair he rested his chin in his hand resolving to wait and care for her as she had when he was sick. His eyes fluttered shut, flying open with a jerk as he struggled to stay awake. Finally, his head lolled forward, his hand fell to the bed and was followed seconds later by his weary head. Several hours later Christy Huddleston’s eyes blinked open, yawning she slowly stretched her arms out from her sides, promptly whacking them into something solid and soft. Shrieking in surprise Christy quickly jerked her hand away, looking with bewilderment at the mop of curly hair hiding a sleeping Neil MacNeill. Groaning in reply he mumbled something and fell back asleep. “Neil?”, she whispered, confused at his presence and as she became aware of her surroundings, even more confused that she was back at the mission. “Neil?”, she asked again, more loudly, but the good Doctor had fallen into a deep sleep. Sighing to herself she took one look at the dark circles under his eyes and decided not to wake him after all. Carefully Christy drew back the covers and swinging her legs out to stand up promptly fell flat on her face with a resounding thump that finally succeeded in waking Neil. Rushing to her side he nimbly swept her into his arm before Christy could utter a word. Carefully he placed her back in her bed and set about adjusting the splint on her leg. Overwhelmed and confused by her injury and Neil’s uncharacteristic tenderness and proximity, never mind being swept into his arms so suddenly, a red faced Christy gently pushed him away. “I’m fine Doctor.”, she said aloofly, avoiding his eyes. Concerned with her well-being and somewhat surprised at her formality, Neil began to protest but after looking closely at her face he reluctantly took a step back to give her time and space to collect herself. In an effort to set her at ease he took his best Doctor’s stance and in a tightly controlled voice quickly explained the extent of her injures. But while Neil maintained a physical and professional distance from Christy, he couldn’t prevent his fire-scarred eyes from overflowing with joy as he looked at Christy’s down-turned face. Nervously wringing her hands Christy kept her eyes glued on her injured leg as Neil explained that while the leg would heal, it would need to be kept immobilized for several weeks. Finally Christy looked at him, “How did it happen?” Neil’s his brow furrowed with worry, “Don’t you remember?” “I remember riding to the El Pano train station. I had just crossed a stream and a deer jumped out of the bushes, scaring my poor horse half to death. After that it’s all...kind of blurry...how did I get here?”, she asked. “Thank God.”, said a voice from the door-way. Looking up Christy saw a great crowd of faces, drawn by the noise of her fall peering in at her door-way. Two forms pushed through the crowd, “Mommy! Daddy! What are you doing here?”, asked Christy, more confused than ever. Trailing behind them was Miss Alice who quickly explained what had transpired since Christy’s departure for El Pano. Gently stroking her hand William said gratefully, “If Dr.MacNeill hadn’t found you...”, Neil held up his hand in protest. “Mac found Christy.”, he said. “But you found Mac.”, replied Miss Alice. “We are eternally grateful Dr.MacNeill...”, said Julia “Our Christy is back with us...thank the Lord.”, finished William Huddleston. Looking around the room at the smiling and nodding faces of her friends and family Christy whispered, “Thank you all...I’m sorry for...for causing so much trouble.” “Hush child.”, said Miss Alice. “Thee has nothing to apologize for, it was an accident and God has given thee back to us.”, she continued, her eyes welling up with tears. “And now I think it’s time for Miss Huddleston to rest.”, said Neil in his best Doctor’s voice, shakily resuming his seat. “And thee as well.”, said Miss Alice laying her hand on his shoulder. “Thee is in no condition to be out of bed. I didn’t have the heart to wake thee before, thee was sleeping so peacefully...but rest is in order Doctor.” Neil’s eyes flashed briefly, but the stoic determination etched on Miss Alice’s face proved too much for his tired, but still fiery Scottish stubbornness. Holding up his hand he said with a meek grin, “I surrender.” Miss Alice held out her arm for him as he slowly rose to his feet but he brushed her away. Slowly he moved towards the door-way, determined to make it at least out of Christy’s sight unassisted. Concentrating intently on each step he moved across the room and firmly closing her door behind him collapsed into the waiting arms of David and Dr.Paget. ********************************************************************** "The Secret" Chapter 28 "Christy should be in Asheville, in a hospital..." "Now Julia, you heard what Dr.MacNeill said, she can't be moved until her leg has healed properly." Sighing, David ran a hand through his coal black hair and began edging towards the front door of the mission, ever since Christy had been found Julia had hinted at removing Christy back to Asheville, the argument had been boiling at the surface for so long that David was almost glad to have it out in the open. He was only too sorry that it had erupted during breakfast, forcing Miss Alice, Dr.Paget, and Fairlight Spencer to fill the awkward silences. "She can't be moved Julia. I won't hear another word about it. She has two very able Doctor's here and Miss Henderson is a capable nurse.", said William Huddleston firmly. David, Miss Alice, Dr.Paget and Fairlight shifted uncomfortably in the silence that filled the kitchen. "I only want what's best for Christy.", said Julia, tears brimming angrily in her eyes. "I know that.", said William tenderly, catching her hand in his own, "We all know that.", he said, looking at the circle of concerned faces for support. "But for the present, the best for Christy is here, in Cutter Gap.", he finished with conviction, looking deeply into Julia's eyes. With tears spilling down her eyes Julia knew the truth in what he was saying. With tears streaming down her cheeks she buried her face in her husband's shoulder. William tenderly escorted his wife back to their room, returning a few minutes later he apologized, "You'll have to forgive my wife. I'm afraid she's exhausted from worry and lack of sleep..." "I've no doubt thee suffers from the same malady Mr. Huddleston.", said Miss Alice gently. "Christy is in no danger now, thee too is in need of some extra rest." Rubbing his eyes William nodded but asked suddenly, "And Dr.MacNeill? What is his prognosis?" "He has a fever, but with bed rest and plenty of hot food we should be able to prevent it from developing into...ah...something more seriously.", said Dr.Paget, his voice wavering. "He's resting...as thee should do.", said Miss Alice gently. William smiled wearily and left the kitchen. "You reckon both Miz Christy and Neil's really goin' to be all right?", asked Fairlight. "I'm only a Doctor," said Dr. Paget. "Both of them simply need time to heal. We must pray that their bodies don't fight against them...but at this point, it's really out of my hands. I leave them in the hands of one much more capable than my own.", he added knowingly, all nodded their heads in agreement and prayed silently that they would be able to trust and accept that God's guiding hands knew best. Nearly a week passed before Neil was strong enough to walk on his own. Neil could feel his strength returning to him with each day that passed but Dr.Paget strictly ordered that he be confined to his bed until further notice. At the time of Dr.Paget's decree Neil was too weak to argue, but as the days passed he grew more and more anxious to talk to Christy. He would have disobeyed Dr.Paget, had he not promised his friend that just this once he would listen to reason and give his body time to heal. He tried to pass the time in reading, but after an hour of squinting at pages of blurry words he gave that up. While Dr.Paget assured him that his new spectacles would arrive within the month, Neil doubted that reading would be enough of a diversion anyway. Instead, he found himself engaged in two tasks with any visitor that entered his room, so routine had they become that Dr.Paget, upon entering Neil's room several days later, answered what he knew would be his friend's first question. "Christy is doing fine. Her temperature is normal, her leg shows no signs of infection and she's finally able to keep down solid foods." Neil stared at his friend, his mouth open in mock surprise, "A hidden talent?", he asked, his blue eyes sparkling with mirth. "Huh?", asked Dr.Paget, wrinkling his brow in confusion. "Mind reading.", said Neil, his mouth breaking into a smile. "It hardly takes a mind reader to know that the first words out of your mouth will revolve around the well-being of Miss Huddleston...", said Dr.Paget, joining in Neil's laughter. "It's the same when I enter her room, I am immediately bombarded with questions about you. I dare say I'll be glad when you are well enough to walk, so the two of you can meet and share daily notes on each other." "She asks about me?", asked Neil shyly, as if the thought had never occurred to him. "I mean...", stammered Neil. Dr.Paget smiled fondly at Neil and sat heavily in a chair by his bedside. He had avoided talking about Christy in more than just medical terms because he had feared that any talk about their feelings for each other would make Neil more anxious and impede his recovery, to say nothing of his basic need to keep the stubborn Scot confined to his bed. But with both of his patients well on the road to recovery, he knew that Neil needed to sort out what he would say to Christy, to talk about it with someone. "We told her everything Neil.", said Dr. Paget softly. "We told her that you and David went looking for her in Asheville. How you arrived in Asheville and became sick, but David returned to Cutter Gap with her Father to search for her. We told her about the search, how you returned to Cutter Gap with her Mother and refused to stop looking. We told her about Mac finding her by the river, and how you and Mac stayed with her while Miss Henderson rode for help. We told her everything so far as we knew it." "And that?", asked Neil, nodding towards the book concealed in Dr.Paget's hand. Dr.Paget held up the Bible that had accompanied him on all of his visits to Neil's room. Shaking his head he said, "No, not about that. You'll have to tell her about that...no, more than that," he corrected himself, "You need to *show* her." "How?", asked Neil. "You'll find a way. Just as you'll find a way to tell her why you went to Asheville in the first place. And why you risked your own life searching for her and refused to *stop* searching for her. She wonders Neil, I can see the questions in her eyes." "I know.", said Neil simply. "I've thought a lot about how to answer them, how to explain...but, I've got questions too.", he blurted out suddenly. Dr.Paget smiled encouragingly, silently waiting for his friend to go on. Neil hesitated but continued haltingly, "Well...for instance...I'd like to know if she can forgive me for the way I've treated her ever since the fire...and even before the fire...that terrible argument that we had," said Neil, ruffling his fingers through his thick curly hair. "if she can forgive my anger, the anger that started that fire in the first place. I'd like to ask her why she left Cutter Gap...but most of all, that is" stammered Neil. Dr.Paget smiled, amused to see his typically self-assured friend so utterly disconcerted. "She told me that she loved me once...", said Neil so softly that Dr.Paget had to strain his ears to hear. "I'd like to ask her if she still does.", he finished, smoothing back his hair nervously. "And after she answered all of your questions. What would you like to tell her? What do you need to tell her?", asked Dr.Paget. Neil looked into the distance for a moment before focusing on his friend, "I'd like to tell her how sorry I am. And I'd like to tell her about Margaret, about my marriage to Margaret to show Christy that I've finally forgiven Margaret...and myself.", he added as an afterthought. "I'd like to tell Christy about this wonderful faith in God that I feel growing in me each day. And I'd like to tell her why I would search to the ends of the earth, and beyond, to Heaven and Hell even to find her." he finished, leaving unspoken those words reserved only for Christy's ears. "Speaking of which.", said Dr.Paget, tapping his Bible. "Instead of discussing this today, why don't you tell me what you'll tell Christy about your new found faith. How will you explain it to her?" "I suppose I'll tell her how I found it.", he answered thoughtfully. "It was a long time in coming I think...I've resisted God and religion for so long. Science was my religion, but science was too rational, too objective, it couldn't explain the subjectivity of death...or life. Science couldn't provide me with the skills to heal all of my patients, and I suppose I held that against him...against God. And after the fire, I was even more angry at him...but now, looking back, I can see how God used something as terrible as the fire to humble me, to show me that there *was* something greater than myself...He showed me through you and Miss Alice, David, through all of Cutter Gap...and Christy, that I was loved. But I was still so angry...after I lost Christy, I felt even more helpless, there was nothing I could do!" he said, his voice cracking with emotion. "But when all hope was lost and I had given up, God led me to her and revealed himself to me as I stood, baptized by a river that divided me from her." Neil brushed his hair out of his eyes, "I'll tell her that when I saw her lying by the river that I gave myself up to something that was greater and more powerful than me, and placed both of our lives in God's hands. I'll tell her that I still have doubts, that I'm still afraid...but I have faith now. Do you know", he said cocking his head at Dr.Paget as if the thought had only just occurred to him, "I think it's faith that divided me from God before. I wasn't willing to put my faith and trust in something greater than myself, even though our profession practically demands it." "What do you mean?", asked Dr.Paget, leaning forward in anticipation of this, their newest religious discussion. "When we operate on people...when we try to heal them, we rely on our skills, on our knowledge, but we also have faith. We have faith in the human body, we trust that it will act and react according to our scientific principles, but when it doesn't, when people die, we place the blame on ourselves, on ignorance, and on God. All Doctor's have faith, in both themselves and in science, and when all of that fails...even though it's difficult, we must find the courage to have faith in another, in God." finished Neil. "I don't have it all worked out yet.", added Neil. "That's okay Neil. None of us have it completely worked out, but as long as you have faith, you can move mountains.", he said. "Metaphorically I mean.", he added, grinning. "But I do think you're ready." "Ready for what?", asked Neil. "Anyone who can speak as passionately about faith and God as you just did can certainly walk down the hall and..." Neil didn't even let the words cross Dr.Paget's lips, "You mean I can see her?", he asked excitedly, fairly bouncing in excitement. He threw back the bed covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed, fully ready to bound out of bed and down the hall to Christy's room with joy. Dr.Paget suppressed a smile and gently laying a hand on Neil's shoulder remarked, "Yes. As soon as you get dressed and, ah, make yourself presentable...You look like a porcupine!", he said, trying to stifle a smile. Neil squinted at himself in the small hand-mirror that Dr.Paget held close to his face and grinned wryly at his reflection. His hair was tousled and nearly standing on end. "When I get nervous...", said Neil sheepishly, unconsciously running his fingers through his hair. "And you're bound to be at least ten times more nervous when you talk to her...try to refrain from pulling out your hair...", remarked Dr.Paget, his deep laughter erupting from deep within his belly. Neil nodded seriously, still trying to smooth down his unruly hair. "But I can see her?", he asked, hurriedly changing into a clean set of clothes. Dr.Paget nodded, he stood up and opening the door intercepted Miss Alice carrying a tray of food to Christy's room. "Miss Henderson, if you don't mind, I think Neil would like to bring Miss Huddleston her dinner tonight." Miss Alice started with surprise, "Certainly." she said, looking doubtfully at Neil's one good arm, she began to lead him down the hall. "I can manage the tray Alice.", said Neil gently, slipping his feet into his slippers. Taking the tray from her he added, "If you would just open the door." "Certainly Neil. I did not mean too, that is...", stammered Miss Alice. "I know. Thank you...thank both of you," he said looking intently at both Dr.Paget and Miss Alice. Balancing the tray precariously in his one hand he nodded his head firmly, and with a bounce to his step that Miss Alice had not seen since before the fire, she hurried after him. "Christy will be glad to see thee.", she said softly, pausing at Christy's door. Neil nodded, Miss Alice opened the door and called, "Miss Huddleston, thee has a visitor." The Secret Chapter 29 Miss Alice stepped into the room and holding open the door ushered Neil into Christy's room. Gently setting the tray full of food down on Christy's bedside table Neil stood awkwardly shifting his feet and looking around the room, out the window, at Miss Alice, anywhere but at the small young woman trying just as hard to avoid looking at him. Miss Alice patted Neil on the shoulder and softly closed the door on her way out. Reaching up to run his hand through his hair, Neil stopped in mid-motion, remembering Dr.Paget's porcupine remark. "How are you-", began Neil. "Are you feeling-", asked Christy at the same time. Christy blushed and nodded for him to speak first. After a moments pause, Neil asked, "How are you feeling?" Flashing him a small smile that lit up her still pale complexion she replied, "Better. How are you Nei...that is, Dr.MacNeill.", she corrected herself remembering how professional he had seemed the last time they had talked. "Neil will do.", he said softly. Motioning towards the chair by Christy's bedside he asked, "May I?" Christy nodded and Neil eased himself into the chair. "Are you hungry?", he asked, pushing the tray of food towards her. Christy shook her head, glancing down at her stomach which had been rumbling with hunger minutes before. "You should eat.", said Neil in a mock stern voice. Christy glanced up quickly, uncertain of his seriousness. "Please.", added Neil more gently with a slight smile. Christy hesitantly reached for a bit of bread and nibbled at it. "And how is Mac?", asked Christy between mouthfuls. I haven't seen any of the children...yet.", she added with a wry grin, "I think I'm wearing Dr.Paget and Miss Alice down though." "He visits me for an hour or so in my room everyday. Hes going to school...Alice, Grantland, Dan and Fairlight are all helping out with the school, but I suppose you knew that.", said Neil. Christy smiled and nodded, eager to hear about the Coves newest pupil. "He chatters on about his friends and what he's learning. Margaret sent him to a wee bit of schooling so he fits in nicely with the other children his age.", Neil paused thoughtfully before continuing in a low voice, "He doesn't say it but he misses her...his Mother, Margaret I mean..." "And I suppose I miss her too...in my own way.", he added softly. Christy looked down at her folded hands, her face expressionless. Neil felt the chasm opening between them and touching her lightly on the shoulder waited until she looked at him, "Not like that Christy.",he said and Christy's expression softened slightly. Their eyes remained locked for several minutes until Neil was certain she understood and than he continued. "She was a good Mother to Mac. She loved him and raised him, he's a good boy and he'll be an even better man once hes grown.", said Neil proudly. Than his eyes turned dark, "Margaret did a lot of things that made me angry...I'll never understand why she pretended to drown or why she kept Mac a secret, but I do know that some of it was my fault. I wasn't always a good husband, I wasn't there when she needed me and I couldn't forgive her for running away", he admitted. "But she wasn't a bad person Christy and there was a time that I loved her. I'll never regret our marriage because there was a time that we were happy and loved each other.", said Neil firmly. "But we were too different, we wanted different things and both of us were too stubborn and too young to compromise...maybe if I wasn't a Doctor, maybe if we hadn't moved to Cutter Gap, she would've been happier, but I couldn't have been and Margaret saw that. She tried to make a life for herself in Cutter Gap, a life for us, she tried to make it work because she knew how much I loved this place, these people...and despite all the unhappiness and bitterness between us, I have a son Christy, a good son, and I missed seeing Margaret be a good Mother to him." "I miss Margaret because I know we could have forgiven each other and been friends..." Do you understand?, asked Neil, leaning forward anxiously, a curly shock of hair falling across his forehead. "I miss her too.", said Christy softly. Neil raised his eyebrows but said nothing. "I was with her...at the very end.", explained Christy. "She was so different, not angry at all, and I think...I think we could have been friends too...and that the two of you could have made your marriage work.", added Christy, plucking at the bedspread and avoiding Neil's gaze. "No Christy.", said Neil fiercely, placing his hand on her bed mere inches from her own for emphasis. Christy looked down at his hand, could almost feel the heat radiating from it and removed her hand, fumbling for another bit of bread. Neil, observing that even this small gesture unnerved her, placed his hand back on his knee and collected himself before going on. "What I mean to say is, that it couldn't have worked. We would have been married yes, but in name only, because of the love we once had, and because of Mac. I would have honored that and taken care of her, but only as a Doctor and a friend. I mourned Margaret's death a long time ago...when she came back I...that is, I didn't love her anymore Christy. How could I?", he asked in a husky voice. Puzzled Christy looked up but silently waited for him to continue. Running his fingers through his hair, Neil cleared his voice and asked suddenly, "Why did you leave Cutter Gap?" "I left...that is...well I..., she said, fumbling for the words. "I felt I was needed elsewhere.", she said finally. "But the children., said Neil. "Fairlight...Alice...Dan...all of your friends are here in Cutter Gap., said Neil. I...um that is we...I mean they need you.", stuttered Neil. "I know that, and I've had a lot of time to think about why I left. I know now that I shouldn't have gone, whatever reasons I had were selfish...but it doesn't matter because I know now that I am meant to teach these children.", she said confidently. "I only hope they can forgive me for running away.", she added softly, her voice trembling slightly. "But why did you leave? What were you running away from?", prodded Neil. Christy blushed and shrugged her shoulders, "I hardly know.", she said. Neil started to ask another question but stopped, determined not to make her uncomfortable and settling back in his chair asked, "Shall I read to you?" Christy gratefully nodded and closing her eyes slightly settled into her pillows. Glancing about, Neil's eyes lit on a familiar book and picking it up flipped through its pages, obviously looking for a particular chapter. Holding the book close to his fire-scarred eyes he squinted at the words, smiled slightly and settling the book on his knee began to recite from memory, "For thus says the Lord, Who created the heavens, Who is God, Who formed the earth and made it, Who has established it, Who did not create it in vain, Who formed it to be inhabited: I am the Lord, and there is no other. I have not spoken in secret..." Christy's eyes flew open, and as the words sank in she let out a small gasp. Unconsciously she reached for Neil's hand and gripping it gleefully in her own small hands struggled for words. Laughing, Neil's eyes sparkled, and squeezing her hand looked deep into her eyes and continued, "I have not spoken in secret, in a dark place of the earth; I did not say to the seed of Jacob, Seek Me in vain; I, the Lord, speak righteousness, I declare things that are right.'...'Who has declared this from ancient time? Who has told it from that time? Have not I, the Lord? And there is no other God besides Me, a just God and a Savior; there is none besides Me. Look to me and be saved, all you ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other. Finally Christy sputtered, "Neil...does this mean?" Neil nodded, and his broad Scottish brogue became greater in his excitement, "'Tis difficult to explain Christy. I donnae fully understand it myself...God has always been there, always been working in my life, I've just been too stubborn, too arrogant to pay attention...until lately. It took the fire, losing Margaret, finding Mac...", he paused before adding quickly, "and *you* to reveal God's secret presence in my life." "I still have a lot of questions...but yes..", said Neil. "Yes.", he repeated firmly. Christy looked at him with shining eyes, all the words of joy bottled up in her throat. "And now, if you'll be so kind.", he said, nodding down at his hand which she was unconsciously wringing with joy. "You've had enough excitement for one day. And so have I.", he added, yawning noisily. Glancing down, Christy quickly extricated her hands from his and looked away as a red flush stole over her face. "Can I come back tomorrow?", he asked hesitantly. "Oh yes!", answered Christy quickly, her embarrassment forgotten. Neil glanced at her sharply and Christy's breath caught in her throat as Neil's intense gaze probed past every emotional barrier that Christy had put in place to guard herself from being hurt by him again; he looked past the hurt and the fear, deep into what Miss Alice had once called her 'secret heart'. Christy involuntarily shivered but was unable, or perhaps unwilling, to break the magic of their locked gaze. Finally Neil nodded, as if satisfied with what he had seen and reluctantly stood up. "Good-night Christy.", he said, pausing in the doorway, and than he was gone. "The Secret" Chapter 30 Time passed quickly at the Mission and soon several weeks had gone by since Christy's return to the Cove. Cutter Gap quickly settled back into its stubborn routine, the families working and barely scratching out a living and the mission striving to provide some sort of spiritual balance against the otherwise harsh mountain life. Neil visited Christy's room every day and they talked for hours, or as long as Christy's strength permitted. Neil was unwilling to discuss his own uncertain future so he carefully kept their conversations on relatively neutral topics and steered them towards subjects revolving around Christy. Christy happily complied by chattering on about her plans for the education of the children and adults of Cutter Gap. Neil waited and bided his time, unwilling to pressure or scare Christy and quite content to let her feel comfortable simply talking and being near him again. His patience paid off, for as the days passed he began to notice small differences in her mannerisms. For example, she didn't look away and blush when he entered the room anymore, or clutch her hands nervously together in her lap; moreover, awkward silences were replaced by brief moments of silent knowing. But as a result of Neil's carefully orchestrated conversations, their relationship became suspended in a sort of limbo, moving neither forwards nor backwards but re-establishing a friendship that had nearly been severed. The pair also seemed to draw strength from one another, and while Christy's broken leg confined her to bed, Neil was eager to be outside and enjoying the natural world he had not so recently forsaken in a rage of bitterness and self-pity. With a determined set to his brow Neil began looking to the future and getting down to the business of living with the repercussions of his accident, helping around the mission and learning how to do tasks that he had once taken for granted. In the weeks immediately following the accident he hadn't believed in any kind of a future, but now there was hope, and that seemed to make all of the difference in the world. "Can I help you with that David?", he asked the laboring Preacher one day. David deposited his load of firewood near the mission and wiped the back of his forehead before turning to Neil, cocking his eyebrow he looked at Neil's emaciated frame doubtfully before replying carefully, "You're still re-gaining your strength Doctor...I don't know..." "Ach man," said Neil, "It's just a wee bit of wood...I'll only be carrying it to the wood-pile and leaving the dirty business of chopping it to you.", he said with a wry grin. But David detected a pleading undertone to his voice and consented. The two men worked steadily for a half hour. David kept up a nearly steady pace of splitting wood and Neil struggled to keep up with the growing pile of wood at David's feet. David paused and watched as Neil struggled to grasp as much wood as his one hand could carry. "This ax blade is getting dull.", said David, hoping God would forgive him for the small lie, scooping up a pile of wood into his own strong arms he continued, "Let's finish up with what I've chopped and than call it a day." Neil nodded gratefully and stumbled forward with his load of wood. With David helping the pair were done in fifteen minutes. Neil brushed back his sweat drenched hair and sat down heavily on the mission stairs. David took the steps into the mission two at a time and returned with two glasses of ice cold water. Neil gulped the water down and nodded his thanks. "It certainly is a beautiful day Doctor, I'm surprised you aren't down at that river of yours...fishing.", said David, watching Neil closely. Neil smiled weakly, "I'm afraid I'm not up to that yet...probably never will be...", he said, cocking his heard towards his missing limb. "That's what I thought.", said David, already on his feet and striding purposefully towards his bunk-house, "I'll just be a minute.", he said mysteriously. Neil stood when David emerged a few minutes later with two packages. Handing them to Neil he motioned towards the chairs on the mission porch and sat down as Neil began unwrapping the smallest package. He held up a soft doeskin vest, the color of soft sunshine, similar to his own vest, lost in the fire. The only difference between the two was a small loop sewn onto the bottom of the right side. Neil shrugged into the vest and fingering the loop, looked questioningly up at David before wordlessly moving onto the second package, a long cylindrical parcel. Pulling out a long leather case he opened it to find a finely crafted bamboo fly-fishing rod and reel with the line read and waiting. "David, I appreciate the sentiment...", said Neil in a choked voice. "Here, let me show you...", said David, and taking the fishing rod from Neil's hand he deftly slid it into the loop and cinched it, thus freeing up Neil's remaining hand to strip out or reel in line. "It's not perfect...", said David watching MacNeill's face carefully, "But it should work...that river is a part of you Doctor, and it would be a shame if you couldn't share it with your son." Neil blinked away tears and held out his hand to David, "Thank you Reverend." "Of course you know...", said Neil clearing his voice, "you know that I'll need to practice a bit before taking Mac out. And it is a very beautiful day," he said, gesturing at the glowing orb of the sun. "Will you join me?", he asked. "It would be my pleasure.", said David, striding towards his bunk-house to retrieve his own rod and reel. Careful to keep their long rods out of overhanging tree branches, the pair pushed their way through the thick underbrush towards the section of the river that was closest to the mission. Awkwardly, Neil began to thread his line through the eyelets of his fishing pole. David busied himself with other things and turned only when Neil had completed the task. "I think you'll have to help me tie the fly on Reverend.", said Neil gruffly. David nodded, all to aware of the extra effort it took for this man to ask anyone for help. "With practice...", said David. Neil nodded fiercely and mumbling his thanks, eased himself into the river. Awkwardly he began to false cast, spinning out the line and striving to remember a rhythm that had once been second nature. The line felt only a little awkward in his right hand, for while he favored casting with his left hand, his father had insisted that he learn to cast equally well with both hands. His father had always told Neil that the river and the fish were unpredictable so you shouldn't depend on one hand to cast. Neil smiled ruefully at the bitter irony of his advice. Neil felt the rod, at once new and familiar in his hand. He nestled it in the loop on his vest to strip out a little more line and cast it, feeling the line rushing out flat behind him and than forward; back and than forward again, than its graceful descent, and the struggle to make its sudden appearance on the water as inconspicuous as possible to any watching fish. David watched Neil from the bank for a few minutes before striding about ten feet downstream to make his own cast. They fished for a long while in a silence filled with the muffled roar of rapids hidden up and down the river, and the nearly imperceptible whirr of their fishing lines as they flashed through the air. Neil had come to this river so often in the past as a young boy and as a grown man; he had always come back to this river to share both his joy and his sorrow. As a boy he had played in it and learned how to fish. As a man, as a doctor, he had come to the river to share his joy when he had healed patients and had let its pristine waters catch his tears when mourned those he couldn't save. The river had taken Margaret and his unborn son away from him, but brought him closer to Christy. He remembered fondly the day he had taught her to fly-fish, remembered how small she had seemed as he cradled her in his fisher-man's embrace. This river had forced him to confront himself, to face the man he had become, and it had brought him back to a God that had become a faded memory of youth. Neil closed his eyes and let the warm heat of the sun beat soundly onto his pale skin, he could feel the cold water rushing around his knees and felt the river's swift current relieving him of all of the anger and worry of the last few months. Suddenly he felt a sharp tug on his rod, a strike! Fumbling to put the reel into the loop on his vest and reel in the excess line, the pole slipped out of his fingers and was already bobbing five feet away from him before Neil realized what had happened. Plunging into the depths of the water he dove for the rod. David glanced upriver at the floundering man and tossing his own rod onto the bank, made a mad dash for the fast approaching rod. Neil slipped and slid downstream in hot pursuit of the rod and David struggled upstream against the current. David grasped the rod just as Neil was suddenly knocked off-balance by the rushing current. David looked up in surprise just as Neil hit him square in the knees, knocking him off-balance and soon both men were struggling to regain their footing. Minutes later the natural silence was interrupted by the roar of laughter as both men, water logged but quite unharmed clamored up the embankment and flopped noisily onto the grass, gasping for breath in between laughing. Neil sat up and glanced over at David, but the sight of the bedraggled Reverend Grantland, soaked to the bone but still clutching Neil MacNeill's fishing rod, elicited another bout of gut-wrenching laughter. David glanced over at him sternly, but couldn't suppress his own laughter at the sight of the Doctor's normally unruly hair, for once tamed flat and straight by the water. As their laughter died down, David noticed the rod he was still clutching in his hands and with a serious face and a dignified air handed it over to Neil, who accepted it with an equal grace that only served to broaden the smiles on both men's faces one more time. "If that congregation waiting for you in Boston could see you now Reverend...", said Neil, pushing back his hair and wiping away the water that was still dripping down his face. David smiled and asked in low but even voice, "How did you know about that?" "Christy told me...I hope you don't mind.", said Neil. "Boston is lucky to have you, but Cutter Gap will miss you." "I'm not going to Boston.", said David. Neil cocked an eyebrow at him and felt a flutter of fear and insecurity deep in his stomach, was David staying for Christy? David continued, "I had only a very short time to accept their offer and even after Christy turned down my proposal of marriage I was prepared to go...but than you got hurt...Christy disappeared. Christy needed me...", David looked at Neil and noticed the array of emotions that flashed across Neil's face; admiration that David would give up Boston to ensure Christy's safety and well-being, than jealousy, and finally fear. David smiled sadly, "She needed me as a friend Doctor and no matter what has passed between me and Christy in the past, I will always consider her one of my dearest friends." "But you...you gave up the congregation in Boston David...why Surely they would have understood, they would have waited if you had explained the circumstances...", said Neil. "I only accepted the offer from Boston because...because I thought city life would appeal to Christy...that it would entice her to leave Cutter Gap. I knew that you confused her Doctor, and I thought if I could only get her away from here...from you, that her feelings for me would become clear...I didn't think that either of us belonged in Cutter Gap." David was silent for a long moment and than continued in an even lower voice that threatened to break, "I was wrong...Christy is as much a part of Cutter Gap as you are...and I was wrong to try to make her love me...she could never love me, she couldn't...she was already in love...with you." Neil raised his eyebrows but nodded for David to continue. Rubbing a hand through his jet black hair, David furrowed his brow, "And...and...once I knew that it wasn't in God's plan for Christy to be my wife...once I was able to let go of her, well it was like a shield was lifted from my eyes. For the second time in my life I knew that I was on the right path, on God's chosen path. I looked around me, at the physical and spiritual suffering here in Cutter Gap and I suddenly saw my future very clearly, and that future still included Christy Huddleston but it also included you", Neil raised his eyebrows in surprise but David continued, his voice rising with excitement, "and Miss Alice, and Ruby Mae, and Fairlight...and all of Cutter Gap.", finished David, unable to suppress his joy. Neil cleared his throat, but couldn't think of anything to say so the two men sat in silence for several long minutes. Finally Neil asked, "When was the first time?" David looked at him, puzzled, "What?" "You said that this was the second time that you knew you were on the right path...on the path that God had chosen for you, when was the first time?" David laughed nervously, "When I entered the seminary...when I decided to become a minister. I can't describe it Doctor, it was just a solid knowing, a sense of peace that I was on the right path and that God had put me there." "I felt the same way when I decided to become a Doctor.", said Neil in a very low voice. "Only I didn't know that God had put me there..." David nodded thoughtfully and the two men sat in silence again, listening to the water and the birds calling in the trees overhead. "You know Dr.MacNeill,", said David, eager to broach a subject that he had long been wanting to discuss with Neil, "formal invitations aren't necessary to enter the House of the Lord, but I have noticed your absence from Sunday services." "It's been a long time..." said Neil softly, fishing for excuses. "You are always welcome Doctor.", said David firmly. Neil nodded, "It is true that I have opened my heart to God, but I still have a lot of things to work out Reverend, a lot of questions...." "So do I.", said David, a gleam in his eye as he strove to bring this long lost sheep back into the fold, "We are only imperfect humans Doctor and we all struggle with our beliefs...but that's what the church is for Doctor, to help make us stronger in our faith. I know that you are still coming to grips with your newfound faith, but when you're ready...you are always welcome." Neil nodded, "You're quite persuasive Reverend, and some day maybe I'll take you up on your offer." "Some day soon?", prodded David. Neil smiled and settled himself back on the grass. David looked at the other man for a long moment and content with what he saw in the other man's eyes he lay back, clasping his hands behind his head and gazed up, up at the blue mask of the heavens and silently thanked God for bringing him to Cutter Gap. The Secret Chapter 31 Neil woke up earlier than usual and after donning clothes that had been given to him by the Mission and the Cove, he padded down to the Mission kitchen hoping to find something to eat. Peering into the kitchen he inquired, “Good-morning Ruby Mae...I can take Christy her breakfast if she hasn’t eaten yet.” The tall red-haired girl turned from frying what looked and smelled suspiciously like possum, “Laws, Doc...Pracher done brought Miz Christy her breakfast, hours ago.” Neil smiled cheerfully before replying, “I’ll go say good-morning to her than.” “She ain’t there.”, said Ruby Mae matter of factly, turning back to her cooking. Neil stopped cold and was at Ruby Mae’s side in a heartbeat, “What do you mean she’s not there? Is she all-right...where is she?” he asked, struggling to keep his voice calm. Undaunted, Ruby Mae smiled broadly, “Stop your frettin’ Doc, Miz Christy is right as rain. Doc Paget done said it was okay and Mr.Huddleston and Pracher brung her up there early. I was just fixin’ breakfast for me and Mac than we...” Rolling his eyes in exasperation Neil unterrupted, “Brought her where? Ruby Mae, where the devil is Christy?” “Ain’t no call to shout Doc.”, said Ruby Mae, her eyes wide. “I’m sorry Ruby Mae.”, said Neil, holding his hands up in apology, or maybe surrender, “I’m just concerned for Miss Huddleston’s welfare.” “I done told you she be right fine.”, said Ruby Mae, turning away. “Ruby Mae. Where is Miss Huddleson?”, he asked slowly, enunciating each word. “The church.”, said Ruby Mae, simply for once. “The church?”, asked Neil, “What the blazes are they doing there?” Ruby Mae looked at him incredulously, “Doc, stop yer foolin’. Don’t ye remember what day it is?” “Ummm...I don’t know Ruby Mae...Tuesday?”, he guessed. “Doc MacNeil, it be Sunday!”, exclaimed Ruby Mae, shaking her head in disbelief, “Doc Paget done said even though her leg is still busted Miz Christy could go outside and set on the Mission porch. Miz Christy asked if she couldn’t go further, up to the church...it took her a right long time but she finally convinced ‘em and her Daddy carried her up there...Mac, hurry up and eat or we’ll be late.”, she said turning and handing a plate of food to the small boy who had scampered unnoticed into the kitchen. Neil sat down, muttering to himself, “She can’t be well enough...” Ruby Mae shrugged her shoulders, “She didn’t look poorly...would you like some breakfast Doc, there be plenty.”, she said, already filling a plate full of food for Neil. Neil mechanically began to eat, his mind churning madly. “Wash up Mac...quick now, wouldn’t be fittin’ for us to be late.”, she said, straightening her own hair as she hurried out of the kitchen. Like a shadow, Mac was two steps behind her. A few minutes later the small boy returned with water dripping down his face. Shifting his feet nervously, he stole small glances at the towering figure of his father. Neil looked down at his son suddenly, and turning slightly red because he didn’t know the answer, asked, “Do you go to church every Sunday?” The small boy looked down, and Neil, kneeling tried to catch his son’s eyes. Finally Mac glanced up quickly, and nodded. Ruby Mae suddenly rushed back into the kitchen, quickly caught Mac’s hand in her own and swept him out of the door before Neil could rise to his feet. Neil rose and sat heavily in a chair. The sound of small running feet made him look up. Mac strode purposefully across the kitchen. Silently taking his father’s hand in his own he drew Neil to his feet and led him across the room and out onto the Mission porch. Pausing at the top of the Mission stairs Neil could see other families emerging from the tree-line and converging at the church. Neil looked down at his son’s wide eyes and nodded, the boy squeezed his hand tightly and the two made their way down the stairs and through the small stand of trees that sheltered the church. Pausing again at the bottom of the church stairs Neil looked up at the familiar building, looming far above him and felt a brief flicker of afraid. The building was the same, yet it seemed different, as if he were seeing it for the first time. He inspected the exterior of the building closely, looking for some change. Seeing none, he realized than that he was no longer looking at it with the confident eyes of a doctor, history, or science teacher-guest lecturer to the children of Cutter Gap. Now he was the student, filled with ignorance and nearly overwhelmed with questions. Fear coursed through his body and he shuddered slightly, trying to shake off the shock, and struggling to accustom himself to this new feeling of powerlessness. Mac felt his father tremble and grasped his arm with both hands as if he could somehow support Neil’s large frame all by himself. Neil smiled nervously down at the boy and continued haltingly up the steps, one at a time. He could hear voices raised in song and stopped at the door-way as the familiar strains of ‘Amazing Grace’ washed over him, filling him with the same peaceful calm induced by the familiar waters of his river. Closing his eyes he was suddenly a small boy again, holding his own father’s hand during church, his mother’s sweet voice filling his ears with the strains of hymns. Neil was started out of forgotten memories by a slight tugging. Gazing down at the curly hair of his only son he moved to sit in one of the few empty benches in the back of the church, but David, alerted by this late-comer caught Neil’s eye and motioned for him to sit in the front. Neil shook his head but the occupants of the first row caught his attention and he paused. Christy was seated between her standing parents, her small slight form framed in the early morning rays of the sun as it filtered through the Smoky Mountains. Neil’s breath caught in his throat. Suddenly he strode down the aisle exuding both the confidence of the man he had been before the accident, and the humble grace of the man he had become. He reached the front row just as the last notes of the song were swept away on the mountain air, and nodding at William Huddleston, asked in his broad Scottish accent, “Is this seat taken?” Christy hadn’t not noticed his advance and could only stare in surprise. She struggled to her feet but Neil had already slid into the empty space that had appeared next to her. Pulling Mac into his lap, Neil found Christy’s hand and held it for a long moment as if to assure himself that this small young woman, whose presence in his heart was becoming startling real, was not a figment of his imagination. Neil didn’t really hear the sermon after that, but he saw it’s love in the faces around him, and imagined that he felt it briefly in the small hand enclosed in his own. Chapter 32 After the church service was over, Neil felt the need for the kind of reflection that can only be found in solitude. With a quick nod to Alice, he quickly slipped into the forest instead of joining the rest of the Mission, and many of the Cove families in their traditional Sunday meal. It was the first time that he had been truly alone since his accident, and he welcomed the solace and peace of the trees and the mountains that had watched over him all of his life. A scurry of footsteps however, attested that he wasn’t completely alone. Stepping behind a tall pine tree, he glanced around its trunk and saw a small form stop briefly, and than move towards him. Slowly stepping into a patch of sunlight filtering through the forest leaves he asked, “Can I help you Mac?” The boy didn’t start, as Neil half expected him too, and merely shook his head. “Would you like to come walking with me?”, asked Neil, his desire to spend time with this near stranger of a boy, was far greater than his need to be alone. In reply, the boy skipped forward, kicking up dry leaves and sticks, and leading Neil further into the forest. They heard the river before they saw it, and than suddenly there it was, sparkling through the forest like a great shimmering snake. Following the river at a lazy pace, they stopped to marvel at a hidden waterfall winking at them through the trees, and even spotted a long snake gliding stealthily through the water. Content to let the small boy lead the way, Neil let his mind wander and didn’t notice their surroundings until he almost fell headlong down the well-worn trail and into the waters of one of his favorite fishing spots. Steadying himself on the gnarled tree whose roots and branches grew so far over the river that even the smartest of fish felt safe nestled underneath, Neil took in the familiar branches of the trees, and gentle slope of the river bank. The only thing that seemed to have changed was the river itself, which rose, shrank, and changed shape and course with the unpredictability of the weather. Absently rubbing the empty air which his arm had once occupied, and wiping a bead of perspiration from his forehead, his fingers grazing across skin that was still pink and puckered with the scars of burns; Neil caught himself looking at the river from a different, almost hidden angle. He had always enjoyed the challenge of the river when it changed its shape, when rapids and riffles replaced calm waters, and rapids were tamed into submission by rising floodwaters. He had been a strategist than, struggling to find the likely places where fish could be found and than placing a fly as naturally as possible. He had used the river, but not seen it, not really. He was more than a strategist now, and more than a fisherman. His very physical appearance, just like the river, had changed, and he felt an overwhelming kinship to this river that had taken a wife and a son away from him, and nearly taken Christy. He likened his own injuries, the challenges he had already endured, and the prospect of future challenges, to this changing river. The river reminded him that change was inevitable, even radical change like the past few months had been for him. But the endurance of the river was never ending, and so was its strength. And it was this hidden strength that Neil drew from now, as he prepared to face the burned ruins of his demons. Hesitating for a long moment, he lost sight of Mac in the forest ahead of him before his feet finally consented to carrying him forward. Imagining that he could smell the smoke from the long cold ashes of the fire that had nearly consumed him, he stopped and ran a hand over his damp brow and fire scarred eyes. Shuffling forward, he saw the charred fragments of wood that once comprised his cabin. All that remained was the stone chimney, poking into the sky like some great monument to the man that Neil once was: a doctor and husband to Margaret, an arrogant and godless man, bitter and alone. Or maybe, thought Neil, gazing at the chimney, it had survived the fire to stand as an omen, a reminder, to learn from what I have been, but to move forward and embrace the man he was now. A man building his faith both in God and himself, and, not so alone, he thought, glancing down at Mac who had joined his side. “Who lived there?”, asked Mac, speaking for the first time and gesturing towards the remains of the cabin. “I did.”, said Neil, kneeling down next to the boy and putting an arm around his shoulders. “What happened?” Neil told him than, plainly and simply about what an angry man he had been, how the fire had started, and that it had resulted in his lost limb, his poor vision, and the scars across his face. “You almost died.”, said Mac, matter-of-factly. Neil nodded. “Mama died.”, Mac said softly. Glad that the small boy had introduced the subject, Neil sat down, pulling Mac into his lap. “You know that your Mama and I were married, don’t you Mac?”, asked Neil. Nodding, “Mama said you were helping the sick people...and that we’d see you again real soon.” “She was right. I was helping the sick people...”, he said, in a strained voice, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and your Mama. If I’d known how much you needed me, I would have been there, I would have come for you. Do you believe me Mac?”, asked Neil. A long moment passed before an almost imperceptible, “Yes.”, was heard. “I did love your Mama.”, said Neil, his voice faltering. “I love you too Mac. And I want you to stay with me here in Cutter Gap. We’ll build a new house, and be a family to each other.” Small arms encircled Neil’s neck, and the two sat in the stillness of the afternoon, listening to the faint breeze rustling through the trees and watching the water glistening and tumbling over and around the rocks in the river. To Be Continued... Chapter 33 to come!