TITLE: Memories of the Heart

AUTHOR: Lady S

E-MAIL: ladysewalton@yahoo.com

SUMMARY: Nope… sorry, I can’t sum it up without giving
absolutely everything away.  Let’s just say that I
hope that by the end of the story, everyone is happily
holding their hand to their chest with a small sigh
and teary eyes.  ;o)

DISCLAIMER: Catherine Marshall's beautiful story of
Christy is owned by the Marshall-LeSourd Family,
L.L.C. We are in no way seeking profit or credit for
her story. We are continuing the story of Christy for
our own amusement only. Any additions in story line
and characters were invented by the writers of the
alt.tv.christy Round Robin and the Christy Mailing
List. The content of each story is the responsibility
of the individual writer. The fanfic here is being
posted as a service to the Christy mailing list, Pax
Christy Forum and Alt.tv.christy News Group.

AUTHOR’S NOTE’S: I’ve opted to write Neil’s “voice”
normally.  We all know how wonderful he sounds with
his Scottish Brogue, but frankly, for me anyway, it’s
a major pain to try and figure out how to spell, so
try and imagine it in your head… like I do! :oD





Prologue: Memories of the Heart


Standing on the platform in El Pano I watch the train
approaching, the thick plume of black smoke filling
the air, hanging behind like a diminishing line in the
sky.  The chilling sting of winter nipped at my nose
but the steam from the train blanketed me with a
sudden burst of warmth.  Sadly it left all too
quickly, allowing the cold to settle back over my body
and a small shiver traipsed up and down my spine. 
Immediately the arms that were around me tightened,
offering me their warmth though I knew he needed it as
much as I did.

“Are you sure you’re going to be all right, Lass?”

“I’ll be fine, Neil, I’ve made this trip countless
number of times.”

I could feel his lips smile as he kissed my hair.  “I
know you have.  Can’t a man worry about his fiancé?”  

“Mmm… say that again.”

Neil laughed, his arms tightening even more, but I
didn’t mind the pressure.  “My fiancé.”  Letting go of
me he picked up the small bag I was carrying to
Asheville while another man lifted my trunk.

Oh how I did so love to hear that.  Even though it had
been nearly four months now I never got tired of
hearing it.  One more week and I would be Mrs. Neil
MacNeill.  We were going to be married in Asheville so
that my father could give me away but then we’d return
to Cutter Gap for a proper mountain ceremony.  It was
the only way we could appease our friends and family
in the cove as well as my own family in the city.  I
watched Neil hand my bags to the baggage man before he
turned back to face me once more.  There was only one
thing wrong.

“I still wish you could come with me now.”

“I know, but I’ll be there in two days and then we’ll
be together for the rest of our lives.”

Now how can I not smile when he says things like that?
 Letting my love shine through my smile I reach up
with my arms, standing on tiptoe as high as I can, and
wrap my arms around him.  Neil lowers his mouth to
mine in a farewell kiss, his arms once more encircling
my waist, drawing me closer to him.  I could feel the
warmth he exuded through all our many layers and my
heart clinched.  This was the first time we would be
apart by our own decision, not because of a medical
emergency.

“All aboard!”

Though he pulled his mouth from mine Neil wrapped his
arms around me even tighter, crushing me to him for a
moment before lifting me and turning around.  When I
was on my own feet again I stood at eyes level with
him on the second step of the train.  Neil smiled at
me but I could see that this was as hard on him as it
was on me.  Neither one of us wanted to part ways. 
Leaning forward I kissed him once more, whispering “I
love you,” before the conductor pushed me back into
car of the train.

from my seat on the train I looked out the window to
see him smiling at me from the platform.  The train
jerked once, twice, three times and we were rolling
down the tracks.  Waving to him until I could see my
love no more I settled back into my seat, blinking
quickly to keep my tears at bay.  Staring at the
snow-covered tree limbs as they rolled by I tried to
force my mind onto happier thoughts.  I was getting
married!

Although the train had been relatively empty at El
Pano it began to fill as we passed through another
station.  It would only be a little while until we
pulled into Asheville and my father would greet me at
the train station with open arms for his ‘girlie’. 
Across the aisle I saw a young man, tall and lanky,
and before I could stop myself I found my thoughts
dwelling on David.  That horrible day was forever
burned in my mind, the day when both he and Neil had
met me in the schoolyard, one man offering me a ring,
the other one offering his heart.

It was then that many of the pieces in my puzzle fit
together and I began to see my future.  I would never
leave the cove, not like I knew David would want to
eventually.  But more importantly I knew, once and for
all, that I didn’t love him.  I had handed David back
his ring and told Neil to go home to his wife before
running away into the woods to cry alone.  I had
thought I was alone; it turned out that Fairlight had
followed me.  Together we sat on a fallen log and she
held me while I cried, never saying a word, just being
there for me as the true friend that she was.

That night, when I finally made it back to the mission
house well after dark, I was told by Ruby Mae that
David had left for good and, entering the main room, I
saw Neil standing next to the fire, Alice sobbing on
the davenport to the one side.  Margaret had killed
herself.  There had been a small funeral and Miss
Alice went off on a retreat for a few weeks to be
alone while she mourned her daughter.  I was alone at
the mission, Ruby Mae off with Bessie, when Dan Scott
had come riding up.  Creed was hurt and Dan couldn’t
find Neil.  Together we raced for the Allen cabin and
by the time we got there the stars had risen high in
the sky.

Through the night I worked side by side with Daniel
until, just as we both had given up hope, Creed woke
and we knew he would be okay.  But a question still
rang out in my head.  Where was Neil?  I had to find
out so, as tired as I was, I had gone to his cabin to
find him.  Opening the door I had searched the entire
cabin only to find he wasn’t there.  Too tired to keep
walking I sat down for a moment to rest,
unintentionally falling asleep in the giant chair by a
cold fireplace. 

When I woke up I was lying down on what felt like a
pile of feathers, a quilt covering me, soft pillow
beneath my head.  Looking around I knew this wasn’t my
room.  I could faintly smell pipe tobacco and that was
when I recognized the room from my one previous visit.
 It was Neil’s bedroom.  Lifting the quilt I searched
for my shoes but couldn’t find them.  Padding down the
stairs I saw Neil sitting in a chair, staring at the
now roaring fire, his face brooding, contemplating
something I could only guess at.

That night we spent many hours talking.  Never before
had I had such a conversation with him, with anyone
for that matter.  Through the night, well on into the
morning we talked until, when the sun was high in the
sky again, I went home to the mission.  That one night
had sparked the turning point in our relationship.  I
had always considered the doctor to be a friend,
albeit a frustrating, egotistical, infuriating one,
but a friend none the less.  It wasn’t long until I
got to truly know the man behind the doctor and I knew
without a doubt where my heart belonged.

For three months he courted me.  Walks by the river,
rides through the fields, dinner under the stars,
dancing on his porch, picnic lunches every Saturday. 
It wasn’t long until he asked me to marry him and I
agreed, with all my heart.

Pulling myself from my reverie I lifted the necklace
that hung over my blouse, staring at the intricate
design.  No bigger than a child’s palm it was a silver
pendant, aged by time, the symbol of the Clan MacNeill
of Scotland, an 'M' carved in the very center.  Neil
had given it to me the night he asked me to marry him,
telling me that the necklace was worn only by the
women of his clan.  His mother had worn it as her
mother had, and hers before that and now it was mine
to wear.  One day it would be passed down to our
daughter, she would pass it to hers, and on down the
line.  With loving fingers I traced the pattern,
smiling at all it represented; family, love,
friendship, past, present, and future.

Suddenly the train jerked harshly, I could hear the
sound of the train brakes squealing, wood splintering,
metal brushing, scraping, and sparking against metal. 
A woman at the head of the car peered out the window
and a scream tore from her throat.  No sooner had the
piercing sounds began than they were overwhelmed by
the sound of a crash and I was tossed form my seat
along with every other passenger on board.  

The train was crashing!

Trying to stand I made it to shaky feet only to be
tossed back to the floor as something hit me from
behind.  Pain exploded in my head, stars danced before
my eyes even as darkness crept into my vision.  Lying
on the floor of the train car I was too dazed to move,
too shocked to grab onto something as I felt the
boxcar begin to roll, windows breaking with a tinkling
sound as pieces of the glass hit one another before
falling onto us.  Screams were loud and long as women,
children and men alike were tossed around like rag
dolls in a box.

As suddenly as it began the movement ceased and the
world was still once more.  The window next to me was
gone and I crawled to it, my head pounding with every
beat of my racing heart.  Once outside I got my feet
and saw a blurry image of the train, crumpled like an
accordion, half on half off the tracks; a twisting
snake of metal and wood.  The air was filled with a
pungent smell; I knew it from somewhere but I couldn’t
put a name to it.  No sooner had I picked up that
smell than another pushed its way to my senses. 

Smoke.

There was a fire.

Looking up and down I saw a small stream of liquid
making its way over the snow and suddenly I remembered
what the first smell was.  Gasoline.  The train had
been carrying large tanks of gasoline to be shipped to
Asheville for the city cars.  The thin brownish liquid
was making its way toward me and I knew I should get
away from it.  Before I could take another painful
step the nightmare unfolded its last hideous act.

The fire was spreading and within seconds it would
reach the tanks of gasoline.  I had to run.  Without a
second thought I turned, running as the screams of
those still trapped echoed in my head, accompanying me
as I ran into the woods.  No sooner than I had entered
the forest than a loud explosion filled the air, fire
bursting forth into the sky like fireworks.  Even from
the distance I could feel the sudden heat of the
explosion.

The first one still burning another explosion burst
out as the second tank became engulfed in flames, the
third not long after.  I needed to escape the heat
from the burning fire and I kept running, away from
the fire, away from the screams of those burning alive
in the flames.  Tears coursing down my face I could
feel them freezing on my cheeks.  I needed to find
shelter; I needed to get help.  

I needed Neil.

How long I walked I don’t know but there was nothing
left in me.  I swore I couldn’t take another step but
somehow I kept going.  Calling on God I prayed for him
to help me, to sustain me long enough to find help, a
cabin, shelter, something.  Stumbling over a rock I
fell into the snow.  All I wanted to do was lie there,
but I knew I couldn’t.  Forcing myself to my feet I
kept on, tripping and falling several more times, each
time becoming harder and harder to pick myself up.

Once more I tripped, falling to the ground in the
middle of a small clearing.  Trying to raise myself up
I couldn’t, there was nothing left.  My head was on
fire, a burning searing pain gripping it with each
pulse, each beat sending out another wave of pain. 
Somehow I knew that this was it.  ‘Oh dear God,’ I
prayed in my head.  ‘Let my family remember how much I
love them.’

Lying in the snow a blessed numbness took over and I
no longer felt any pain.  As it had on the train a
calming blackness began to creep over my vision until
I could see nothing.  As I wrapped myself in this
blanket of darkness I spoke one last word to the harsh
cold woods that surrounded me.

“Neil…”

‘I love you.’



The end of the Prologue.


Memories of the Heart – Chapter One


Pain.

Throbbing pain was the first thing to claim my senses
as I woke.  I wanted to put my hand to my head but I
couldn’t, they were pinned by the quilt wrapped around
me.  Moaning I felt something cool pressed against my
forehead.  Using all the energy I had in me I cracked
open my eyes and saw a woman sitting over me, her long
raven hair falling over her shoulder as she smiled
down at me.  She was a beautiful woman, high
cheekbones, strong jaw, but it was her gray eyes that
held my attention as they smiled down at me.

“Rest little lost one,” she whispered to me.

Who was this woman?

As much as I wanted answers her face disappeared as my
eyes closed and I found myself drifting off into
blackness.  This darkness was a comfort ending the
pain I felt all over my body.  Warmth filled me and I
was soon fast asleep once more.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The fire, I could feel it burning my skin, lapping
against it as though I were made of wood.  The heat. 
The heat was unbearable!  It hurt, so much; incredible
pain filled my body.  When I thought I could take no
more, when a scream began to build within me, a hand
suddenly reached down to pick me up, cradling me
against their chest, safe from the fire.  I tried to
see their face but I couldn’t.  Without words he, it
was a man- though I don’t know how I knew- led me away
from the fire, through the woods and the forest, along
a babbling river to a large clearing in the mountains.

This place, I knew this place, the buildings, the
trees, the small pond, somehow they all seemed
familiar to me.  The man led me to the schoolhouse and
I could see children, all sitting in a row, each one
of their faces beaming up at me.  I sat down behind a
desk laden down with bundles of flowers and small
baskets of apples, all shiny and red, perfect little
apples from perfect little children.

I stood, picked up a small little white lump and
turned to face the children again but they were gone. 
In each row I saw women, men, bloodied, burned, each
one staring at me with unseeing eyes.  Suddenly they
stood and approached me, their eyes accusing me as a
fire burned within them.  Backing away I couldn’t go
any farther but they kept coming, advancing until they
were so close I could feel the heat from the fire that
burned in their eyes.  Reaching out the smeared their
blood over my face and clothes until I was as bloody
and burned as them, red mixing with black.

Two men clamped their hands over my wrists; pulling me
out of the room with them, back through the woods to
the fire that still burned.  Behind the large crowd,
unable to reach me the man that had saved me tried to
get to me but he couldn’t.  I heard him yelling out to
me as he was taken away by two of the men, his voice
resounding in my head, ‘I love you; I will find you!’ 
With a push and a shove I was thrown back into the
fire, flames burning my clothes, my hair, my skin, the
pain searing itself though my body.  A scream built
within my body as I fought the pain until it burst
out, echoing over the roar of the fire.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


“Hush now, you’re safe!”

The same gentle voice I’d heard before sounded out
now, whispers and soothing words of safety, pulling me
from the fire that roared and flamed in my mind.  My
throat was raw and I realized I must have screamed
even as I realized it had only been a dream, a
nightmare.  Tears stung at my eyes and rolled down the
side of my face only to be wiped away by a gentle
hand.

“You’re okay now, dearheart.  You don’t have anything
to be afraid of.”

Opening my eyes I saw the woman from before, her raven
hair and gray eyes a small comfort as her words sunk
in through the haze of my mind.  I was safe.  Safe
from what?  My brow drew in confusion.  Safe from my
nightmare?  The woman smiled down at me, wiping away a
tear that lingered on my face.

“My name is Jira, my husband found you collapsed in
the woods and brought you here to me.  You had been
hurt and you were frozen through.  Thanks be to God
that I was able to warm you, though I was afraid I
would lose you still when the fever set in.  You were
delirious with it, I’ve never heard a woman scream
so.”

Looking up at her for a moment I let my gaze slide
around the room.  Simple wooden walls, floor and
ceiling also, though they had been decorated with
scraps of leather hide strung together in a
beautifully intricate design and various dried herbs
and utensils hung from every available space.  From
the bed I lay in I could tell that the ceiling was
low, so low that only a child would be able to stand
up straight.  Who would build a room this way?  I
couldn’t help but wonder at the room and why the
builder had built it so.

Shifting my gaze back to the woman I scrutinized her
carefully, looking past the beauty I had seen at
first.  Though I could not tell if she were old or
young I saw the crinkled lines around her eyes and
knew she was a happy woman, one who loved to smile and
laugh.  Her hands pressed a cool cloth to my forehead
and I could see that they were work worn yet with a
soft touch that a mother knows only to well.  Calluses
and scars marred her hands yet I found them as
beautiful as her face; these hands had lived a hard
life, but not so hard that they had lost their sense
of gentleness and peace.

While she wiped my face with the cool cloth I studied
her, this woman named Jira.  Her shirt was patched but
it was clean linen that flowed over her arms,
billowing with her movements, and was covered by a
dark shawl, fringed with long strands that fell in
ripples over her blouse.  Though I couldn’t tell the
color her skirt was also clean and in good repair. 
What stood out most of her clothing were the
accessories that I saw in her ears.  One ear held a
hoop shaped earbob, the other a simple ball, both of
them silver in color.  

“Do you feel up to taking some broth?  We are not rich
people but you are welcome to share our food with us.”

“Us?” I asked as she helped me up before lifting the
spoon to my mouth.  The broth was good, warm and
soothing to my raw throat.

“My family and I.  We are a large family so it can be
difficult to feed everyone in these winter times.”  I
looked to the bowl filled with broth with some
trepidation.  I would not take food from these people
if they themselves needed it.  “Don’t look like that
little lost one, broth is one thing we have plenty of
right now.  The men have recently killed a deer and
this is the broth from the meat.  Take some more, you
need the strength.”

I continued accept the broth filled spoon as she told
me of her family.  Jira’s father, Paolo, was the man
in charge of their large family, several actually.  It
was a small community of families that banded
together, camping in the winter and traveling in the
summer looking for a new place to live.  Though they
held no relation to them the people Jira called her
family lived as gypsies.  Soon the broth was gone and
I was beginning to feel tired again.  Laying my head
on the pillow I closed my eyes, listening as Jira
softly hummed a song while she tucked the quilt in
over me, once more trapping my arms underneath.  The
sweet melody lulled me into comfort and once more I
was asleep.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Standing on a large boulder I looked out over the
horizon and saw the mountain range before me, majestic
in its shawl of clouds.  This was a beautiful place,
one where I felt as close to God as I could possibly
be.  All around I saw beauty, heard too.  In the
distance I could hear the birds singing in tune with a
bell as it tolled out its song.  Trees were filled
with autumn’s leaves, fruit on the trees ripe and
ready for the plucking.  As I stared out at it all a
feeling of peace washed over me, so beautiful it made
me weep.

A strong pair of arms encircled me and I knew it was
the man I loved.  Together we watched the beauty of
the mountains surrounding us, we were silent, no words
needed to be said.  I could feel his love for me as
though it were a shawl he wrapped around my shoulder
to keep the chill of autumn from my bones; safely
hidden away from the hatred of the world below us.

“I love you,” he whispered to me, his voice filled
with the love he expressed.  Turning me around to face
him I watched as he hung a necklace around my neck, a
silver pendant aged by time but still shining brightly
with the love it offered to me.  “So long as you wear
this I will always be with you, no matter where you
are or how many miles we have been separated by.”

Looking up I wished I could see his face, I tried with
all my might, but I couldn’t.  Wrapping my arms around
him I held tightly, clutching his shirt in my hands as
I tried to get even closer to him, afraid that if I
didn’t he would leave me. 

“I love you,” I whispered back to him.  “With all my
heart.”

Suddenly I was alone once more, watching as the
mountains I loved so much burst into flames, the trees
glowing as bright red flames licked away the leaves,
the fruit, the bark, leaving only burnt stumps behind,
blood oozing from them to cover the ground until it
was nothing more than a pool of red.  Everything I had
loved was gone.  Raising my hands to cover my face
against the horrors before me I saw the necklace’s
pendant clutched in my fingers and I remembered his
words.  I knew I would never take this necklace off,
wearing until the day I died, as I would carry his
love with me the same.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Opening my eyes I saw that the room was empty. 
Cautiously I worked my arms out from under the quilt
until they were completely free.  Sitting up I fought
the dizziness that tossed the rook about and sat on
the edge of the bed.  Eyes closed I heard, rather than
saw, someone enter the room.  I was so dizzy the room
seemed to rock back and forth.  Thankfully it stopped
when Jira settled down next to me.

“You’re awake, good.  I have some clothes for you to
change into so that I can wash the ones you wear now. 
They aren’t fancy but they’re warm against winters
chill.”

Handing me a small bundle of clothes I changed quickly
while she waited.  No sooner were my clothes in her
hands than she tossed them to a pair of waiting hands
in the doorway.  Smiling at me she handed me a brush,
motioning for me to brush out my tousled hair. 
Reaching back I ran the brush through only to find
that the hair stopped just below my ears.  It wasn’t
long like Jira’s.

“I’m sorry we had to cut your hair, it was beautiful
but the blood had congealed so that it was impossible
to wash out.”

“What happened?”

“You were wounded, your head was bleeding from the
back and you had the largest pump knot I’ve ever seen.
 At first I was sure you were going to die, especially
when the fever set in, but with God’s grace you
recovered and sit before me now, a living, breathing
woman.”

“How did I end up in the woods?”  I was so confused.

Jira smiled and shook her head.  “We were hoping you
could tell us that.  Apparently you don’t know any
better than we do.  Why don’t we start with something
simple?  What is your name little lost one?”

My name; a simple thing to recall.  Yet why did it
elude me?  Surely I know my own name?  Drawing my brow
in confusion I concentrated on recalling my name. 
Several moments later I looked up at Jira again, tears
stinging at my eyes.  “I don’t know,” I whispered.  “I
don’t know…!”

Sitting on the bed next to me Jira put her arm around
my shoulders as the tears began to fall.  How could I
not know who I was?  Desperately trying to recall
something about my life all I could remember was
waking here, with Jira by my side.  Before that there
was nothing, absolutely nothing.  Sobbing in her arms
I clung to Jira, taking the support, the comfort and
the friendship that she offered me with her silence.

“There, there little lost one.  Nothing is completely
bad.  Perhaps God has given you a chance to star anew
with your life, or mayhap He has another lesson in
store for you.  Only time will tell, but you must
trust in God to reveal things at the proper time, for
He is the keeper of all knowledge and when He feels
the time is right He shall let you know.”

Wiping the tears from my eyes with the edge of her
sleeve she smiled at me, a simple act that filled me
with hope.  She was right; I must be patient.  Taking
a deep breath I calmed my self down and offered a
small smile in return.

“That’s better.  Now come with me and I shall
introduce you to the rest of my family.  It is time
you met them and they you.”  

Donning my shoes, leaving the small room, I found that
it wasn’t a room at all but rather a wagon of sorts, a
wooden hard covered wagon.  Barely ten feet away a
door led into a small building, barely bigger than a
one-room cabin.  Entering through the doorway I saw a
fire blazing at the one end of the room to keep
winters chill at bay, its heat filling the cabin.  I
stopped in my tracks when I saw that the room was
filled with people, all sorts, men, women, children,
all staring back at me.

“This is my family,” Jira smiled.  Pointing to each
one she introduced them.  “My man, Leeler, and his
brother Jacob.  Jacob’s wife Silky and their new babe
Cotton.  The man stoking the fire is my brother Mason
and that is his girl Celia.  Peter and Kenthew,
Leeler’s cousins, and the woman there is Emma, my
sister.  The young’uns are out playing in the snow,
you’ll see them all at supper.  These are my parents,
Ninnette and Paolo.  They are the head of our family. 
Mamma, Papa, this is the woman Leeler and Kenthew
found in the woods.”

Both of them nodded, smiling at her with warm eyes. 
“We’re glad you are well.  For a little while we
weren’t sure if you were going to stay in this world,”
Ninnette told me, her eyes as kind as Jira’s, I could
see where the daughter got her eyes, the mothers
colored the same shade of gray.  “What is your name
girl?”

“I don’t know,” looking down at my hands.  “I’m sorry,
I…”

“Nothing to be sorry for, goodness knows what you were
running from or what brought ye to the woods.  Come;
sit with me while we eat.  Perhaps I will think of a
name ye agree with before the night is up.”  Ninnette
patted the cushion next to her and with a nudge from
Jira I sat next to the older woman.

Conversation resumed and I listened to them but it was
soon interrupted again as the children came in from
the outdoors, their faces bright red and smiling, each
one growing curious when they saw me sitting next to
their grandmother.  Made to wait until the evening
meal was over the children watched with curious eyes
as Jira made the introductions.  So many children.  

The oldest was Celia, she was sixteen, and then there
was Skye and his younger sister Marla, the children of
Jira and Leeler.  Jacob and Silky had two children,
Cotton, a little boy of barely three months, and
Rashan, their four-year-old son.  The only other child
was Shay, Emma’s daughter.  Everyone was related in
some way, one large, happy family.  I couldn’t help
but smile.

“I have decided on a name for ye, little lost one.” 
Turning I looked at Ninnette as she took my hand in
hers.  “We shall call ye Merry, for the look that
seems most natural on ye face is that of a smile.”

Merry.

I had a name.

I liked it.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart - Chapter Two


Jolted awake I lay in the bed, heart racing, as I
tried to catch my breath.  Every night it was the same
nightmare.  Burning fires, screaming people covered in
blood calling out for me to join them.  I knew I
didn’t belong with them but every time I awoke I
wondered, just where did I belong?

I’d been with Jira and her family for a little over
four months now and life seemed to be okay, barring
the nightmares from that decree.  I had been working
side by side in the kitchen with Ninnette and Emma to
prepare the food brought home by the men.  Kenthew was
an excellent hunter, always bringing a good-sized deer
with him when he went out; there was always enough for
everyone to eat.

Getting up from the bed I slipped on my shoes and went
out into the balmy outdoors, staring up at the stars
between the trees.  I longed to stand by a river and
stare at the moonlight, though I didn’t know why, but
I contented myself to stay where I was.  Even outdoors
I could hear the shifting of the sleeping people in
and around the wagons.  They were a family to each
other; did I, too, have a family somewhere?  Were
there people who worried about me?  Did they love me
like Jira, Emma, Jacob, Paolo, Ninnette and all the
rest did each other?

The night’s peace was broken by the screech of an owl
and I turned to see Jira standing next to me, I hadn’t
even heard her approach.  In silence we both stared at
the peaceful night sky for a little while more.

“It seems that even the darkest times have a beauty to
them.”

I knew she meant more than just the nighttime darkness
and the beauty of its stars.  Jira had a wonderful way
of including a lesson in the simplest of stories.  I
wondered what the beauty was going to be in my
‘darkest time’.

“I’m going to give Leeler a third child, Merry.”

A baby!  “That’s wonderful news, Jira!  Leeler must be
quite proud.”

“I haven’t told him yet.  I want for you to be this
child’s Aunt.  Leeler will not accept you as so if you
become my sister after I have told him of the child.”

Her sister.  She’d mentioned this to me before; it was
something I’d been thinking about for a little while
now.  Could I join her family and give up whatever
family I may have had before?  I may not know who they
are but there had to be those of my own blood out
there, if I could just remember who and where they
were.

“I won’t ask you to give up the dream of finding your
own family, Merry, only to join mine as well.  A woman
with two families is a blessed woman indeed.”

Smiling at her I took Jira’s hand in mine.  “I would
be honored to have you as my sister.”

Jira hugged me close and I prayed that I had made the
right decision.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The day was a busy one for me, a riding lesson with
Leeler in the morning, he was insistent that I be as
good a rider as the rest of the men.  To the people I
now called family a single woman was expected to work
with the men so, along with Celia, I worked side by
side with the men chopping wood, hunting, making
repairs, caring for the livestock, all the work they
did as well.  Though I wasn’t much of a rider at first
I had made incredible progress in these last four
months.

Since the day I had joined their family four months
ago I had seen a difference in the treatment I
received from the men.  Though the women had accepted
me almost immediately the men had held off their
friendship, almost as though they wanted to see if I
was going to stick around, keeping their distance
until I made the choice.  Now though, I was truly
their sister.  Every day there was a new lesson,
Kenthew teaching me the finer point of hunting, Jacob
helping me to ride with ease and also with speed and
agility and Mason teaching me to work with tools to
make repairs keep a cabin in proper order.  Leeler had
become the big brother, showing me how to fight off a
man and how to win a fight if I couldn’t avoid it.  I
still had a lot of work to do but I was improving. 

But Peter’s lessons were the ones I enjoyed most. 
Every night around the fire, after the evening meal
was eaten, he taught me to play music on his guitar. 
One night I had been picking out a tune, it was one
that I didn’t know and yet at the same time I did. 
The melody was haunting and yet I knew it meant
something to me, something that had been good in my
life.  Every night I plucked it out of the strings,
trying to get the notes right, and trying to remember
what it meant.

We had traveled all summer, heading north for a while
before turning around and heading back to the south
when we found nothing to keep us in the north.  Now
that winter had come again we were settled down in an
abandoned cabin.  For a few days Celia and I worked
with the men to get it back in good repair before
allowing the married women to make it a home.

As I sat by the fire, my knees drawn up to my chest, I
toyed with the silver hoop in my right ear, the silver
ball shaped ear bob in my left, and I couldn’t help
but remember the day I had allowed them to place them
in my ears.  Jira had asked me to be her sister and I
had agreed.  Little did I know that meant putting a
hole in my earlobes?  That night I lay still on the
floor watching her heat a large canvas needle in a pot
of boiling water.  A few moments later, the initial
pain passed, I had a hole in my right ear that was
filled with a silver hoop and one in my left that held
a silver ball.

A single woman wore the hoop in her right ear, a
married woman in her left.  If I were to marry I would
switch it.  But with that thought rose yet another
question to my mind.  Was I already married?  The man
in my dreams, who was he?  Friend?  Lover?  Husband? 
Would I ever know?  A small sigh escaped my lips as I
stared at the fire, dropping my hand to my knees,
hugging them close.

Little Cotton crawled his way over to sit next to me,
playing with the hem of my skirt, chewing on it with
his three little teeth.  Picking him up I sat the
little boy in my lap and we listened to Peter play
songs all night long.  Looking down after some time I
saw that he was asleep and stood to put the young’un
to bed.  Sitting next to him for a moment I tucked the
quilt in tightly around his precious little body
before heading back to the main room.  Most of the
children were put to bed leaving the adults to sit
around the fire-warmed room.

“I’m going hunting tomorrow, Merry, you’ll come?”
Kenthew told me as I seated myself back by the fire.

“Very well, I’ll be ready.”

I didn’t enjoy hunting, it was something I knew was
needed but I never enjoyed it.  According to Kenthew
his teaching was paying off, I brought home as much
meat as the other men did; he was quite proud.  I was
glad to make him happy but I would never raise an
argument if he never asked me to join him again.  The
men went to smoke outside, Ninnette refusing to let
them smoke in the cabin, leaving the women behind. 
Immediately they all looked to me, their eyes filled
with mirth and secrets.

“He’s sweet on you, Merry.”

“What?”

Ninnette smiled and continued to sew her shirt for
Paolo while the other women giggled together.  Sweet
on me?  Who?  Surely they were mistaken.  All of the
men were like brothers to me, nothing more.

“Kenthew is sweet on you,” Emma repeated with a broad
grin.  She was making no secret of how pleased she was
with the news.

“Kenthew?”

Celia nodded.  “He’s always talking about you with
Papa and Leeler.  I heard him asking Paolo how he
should tell you how he feels.  Kenthew isn’t too good
with his words, he’s better with his rifle and
skinning knife.”

Kenthew was sweet on me?  “Are you sure?”  I didn’t
want to believe it; I couldn’t believe it.  

from across the room I saw Ninnette glance at me with
her wise eyes before sharing a look with Jira. 
“Merry, my legs need to stretch, would you walk with
me for a little?”

“Yes, of course Jira.”

Standing I took both her wrap and mine and we left the
cabin, passing the men outside and heading off down a
well-worn trail.  We walked in silence for a few
moments until Jira began to speak.

“You’re upset by Emma’s comment.”

It wasn’t a question, she knew that it was so.  Jira
always seemed to know what I was feeling.  “Yes,” I
replied.

“Why?  Do you not find him attractive?”

Kenthew?  Of course he was an attractive man, but…
“How can I even look at one man when my heart is tied
up with another?”

“The man from your dreams.”

I nodded my head.  Jira fell silent again and I was
not able to speak myself.  This was bad news for me,
to know that Kenthew was sweet on me, that he liked me
in a way I simply could not return.  I know that man
in my dreams is only in my dreams but it is so real to
me, I know that in my other life I loved him with all
my heart and he me.  But I could not put that behind
me and move on to this life as I had with everything
else.  My heart wouldn’t let me.

“This man that you see in your dreams, do you know who
he is?”

“No, only that I love him and he loves me.”  Sighing I
sat down on a fallen tree.  Reaching below my shirt I
withdrew the silver necklace, warm from its place over
my heart, and stared at it.  “He’s with me everywhere
I go, living in my heart and in my dreams.”

“Perhaps he is only a dream.”

“Then what of this necklace?  I know he gave it to me,
I don’t know how or why I know it but I do.  This man…
he means the world to me, I love him and…” my throat
began to close off.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I
dropped my gaze to the necklace, drawing comfort from
it as I had so many nights after my nightmares.  “… I
can’t remember him…” A sob choked me and I fought to
regain control over my emotion but it was a hopeless
battle.

Sitting next to me Jira hugged one arm close, clasping
my hand within hers with a gentle touch I’d seen her
use on the children.  “One cannot help who one loves. 
The heart is a stubborn organ that does as it pleases,
no matter how much pain it may cause to us.”  She was
silent for a few moments before speaking again.  “If
you cannot love Kenthew as he wishes you to, you must
respect him enough to tell him so.”

Nodding I wiped my tears away and tried to smile. 
“Thank you for understanding Jira.  I will tell him
tomorrow.”

“No,” she replied with a shake of her head.  “You must
tell him tonight.  Tomorrow he will ask you Paolo to
court you.  Tell him tonight and spare him a little of
the pain he will feel.”  Jira stood and put her hand
on my shoulder to keep me seated.  “I will send him to
you.”

I watched her walk away and I felt a twinge on envy in
my heart.  Tonight she would lie beside the man she
loved knowing that he was safe beside her but I would
only know that the man I loved existed; I could not
even remember if he was alive or dead.  The pendant in
my hand I was still staring at it, memorizing its
intricate design, though I had already done so several
times, when I heard someone approach.  Looking up I
saw Kenthew stop a few feet away.

“Please, come sit,” I smiled at him as he took Jira’s
place on the fallen tree.  “Kenthew there is something
I must ask of you.”

“What ever you ask I shall do.”

“Do not make such a promise for I know it will be a
hard one to keep.”  Pausing I wondered how to say what
needed to be said.  What words could I use that would
not plunge a blade into his chest?  “In the world,
somewhere, there is a man that I have given my heart
to.  I don’t know where he is or who he is but I know
that I love him with every beat of my heart.”

“This man is from your old life?”

“Yes, but…”

“Then he died with the memory of it as well.  This is
your new life, here with us, Merry.”

“I know, Kenthew.  But I cannot control what my heart
feels.  Nothing can change how I feel for this man and
I can only pray that one day God will see fit to
return me to his side.”

I watched as his face grew angry.  “You’ve made a fool
of me!”

“No!  Never, Kenthew!  I think of you as my brother, I
would never wish to see you hurt.  That is why I
wanted to tell you this tonight, before you spoke with
Paolo.”

“Your life is here, with us Merry!  The life you led
before is over and it is time you forgot it and moved
on!”

“My life is here with my new family but I can never
forget that there are other people who must have loved
me as well.  I’m sorry Kenthew, I cannot love you like
that when my heart belongs to another.”

I knew I had hurt him, I could see it in his eyes
before he left, rushing away from me before his anger
grew beyond his control.  I don’t know how long I sat
there on the tree but eventually Leeler came through
the brush, worried, and took me back to the fire. 
Jira helped me into bed once Leeler had brought me
back to our home.  My head on the pillow I prayed that
Kenthew would find someone to love that would love him
back as he deserved.

Memories of the Heart – Chapter Three


Standing in the woods I saw a clearing up ahead and
went towards it.  There was laughter that filled the
air, children’s laughter; I could see them as I left
the edge of the forest.  The bell in my hand began to
ring and the children scampered into the building that
they played around.  Following them I saw that they
were all seated in rows the smallest ones up front to
the larger ones in back, each one smiling at me with
their perfect little faces.

Try as I may I could not see their faces but I knew
they were perfect little children with angelic smiles;
I loved each and every one of them as though they were
my own child.  Moving to the front of the building I
saw a desk filled with all sorts of delightful little
goodies, gifts from the children to me.

Leaves of many different color, little robin eggshells
of the palest blue I’d ever seen.  Bunches of flowers
tied with crude string or scraps of cloth.  Apples,
bushels and bushels of apples scattered all over the
desk and floor.  Arrowheads that had been polished
till they shone, small rocks that the river had
smoothed down until there wasn’t a rough edge on them.
 Papers filled with drawings and letters, poems and
stories all for me.

The children.  They brought a feeling of joy to my
heart that would last me until the day I died.  I
loved them; they loved me.  

One little child, a boy, got up from his desk and
leisurely walked down the aisle to meet me.  Tugging
on my skirt I knelt down so that I was looking him in
the eyes even though they were eyes that I couldn’t
see.  ‘I’m come ta swap howdies with ya.’  Such a
sweet, sweet little boy.  He returned to his seat and
a little girl approached the same way he had.  But her
walk more timid as though expecting punishment for her
actions.  Without words she handed me a large blue
button and I saw that it had fallen from her coat. 
Pulling the little girl into my lap I took a needle
and thread from my pocket, sewing the button back onto
her coat, and she smiled at me.

The joy of the children filled my heart.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Waking suddenly to the rocking of the wagon I rose
from my bed and slipped out of the wagon to see Leeler
struggling with two heavy sacks, both weighing at
least a hundred pounds apart.  Ignoring the ground,
still wet with dew, I grabbed one of the sacks from
him to keep him from jarring another wagon and waking
yet another sleeper.

“Leeler?  What are you doing?”

“Sorry, Merry, I didn’t mean to wake you.  Tripped
over a root and lost my balance.”

“Well it serves you right, trying to carry both of
these at the same time, you’ll hurt yourself.  Why on
earth are you up so early?  It’s still a few hours
until sunrise.”

“I would not and you know it.  Besides I want to get
everything under way so we can head out first thing
this morning.  We need to get through this next
stretch as fast as possible, the people here don’t
take too kindly to travelers.”

“Why’s that?” I asked as we loaded the sacks onto the
supply wagon.

Wiping his brow Leeler sat on the edge of the wagon
bed and rested for a moment.  “They don’t take kindly
to outsiders of any kind.  It’s just the way they are.
 Merry,” his eyes sought mine with a seriousness that
startled me.  “I’m supposed to travel the back today
but with Jira so close the birthin’ I’d like to stay
near as possible.”

“Of course, I’ll take back so you can have middle.”

Leeler smiled.  “Thanks.”

“Let me get dressed and I’ll help, you with the load.”

Slipping back into the wagon I pulled on a pair of
pants and my shirt.  ‘Riding back’ was Leeler’s way of
saying ‘bringing up the rear’.  I would be the last
person in our little wagon train, making sure nothing
was left behind and that everyone stayed on course. 
The only way to do it was on horseback and it was just
plain easier to do it in pants than a skirt.  

It also meant making sure no one tried to sneak up
behind us and rob the family of the little they had. 
With Kenthew’s tracking skills needed in the front to
scout out the best path it was best if someone of a
good shot stayed in the back.  Jacob drove the wagon
since Jira was pregnant and Peter stayed with Kenthew,
which left only Celia and I.  Between the two of us I
was the better shot.

Dressed I went out to help Leeler load the supply
wagon.  I could feel his worry as we worked; not only
for Jira but also for the traveling we would do today.
 Watching him I wondered how bad it really was but I
prayed we wouldn’t find out.  Still dark out I saw how
easy it was for Leeler to have tripped over the root
as I did so myself, falling into the side of the wagon
as he had.  But working together it wasn’t long until
the wagon was loaded.  While Leeler went to wake the
other men I took a moment to answer natures call,
disappearing into the woods to do so.

Passing a fallen tree my mind went to the night
Kenthew had stormed away in anger.  It had been rough
the next day while we hunted and the silence between
us so thick you’d need a knife to cut it.  But as time
had passed our relationship improved and now we were
good friends again.  But Kenthew was a young man and
he had love on the mind.  With Celia and Peter waiting
until she was eighteen, by her father’s decree, there
was no one for him to turn to.  It was hard on him and
again I prayed that he would find a woman to love.

It had been over a year now since Leeler had found me
in the woods and Jira had nursed me back to health.  I
had changed much since then, thinning out both around
my waist and in my face, my hair was just past my
shoulders now, and I was so much stronger as well. 
Looking at my reflection in a puddle where I rinsed my
hands I wondered what else had changed that I hadn’t
noticed.  Who would notice the changes though?  The
family had only known me since then.  Would I ever
meet someone who knew of me before?  What would happen
if I did?

“Merry!”

I heard Leeler call my name and, heading back to the
campsite I saw that everyone was ready to go. 
Grabbing my hat, I saw that Ernst was already saddled;
I mounted and nodded to Leeler.  Sitting atop Jacob’s
horse I watched as the rest of them moved out along
the trail, Kenthew and Peter already under way to
scout the trail.  Once everyone else had cleared out I
gave the campsite one last look and followed them down
the trail.

It was a peaceful day along the trails, though a hot
day as the sun began to rise in the sky.  When we
stopped for noon meal I borrowed Jacob’s hat, putting
my hair up in it to get it off my neck, the brim low
to keep the sun out of my eyes.  It wasn’t long until
we were on the trail again.

Riding through the woods I felt a growing sense of
uneasiness.  These trails, the trees, they seemed
familiar to me, as though I had seen them before.  But
where?  I know we’d never traveled this part of the
mountains before and yet somehow I felt as though I’d
been here before.  Shaking my head I laughed at
myself, a tree is just a tree, if you’ve seen one
you’ve seen them all.

Right?

More and more disconcerted I jumped in the saddle when
a shot rang out.  Having fallen a bit behind the rest
of the group I urged Ernst into a gallop and raced for
the wagons, my mind imagining the worst.  What I saw
stopped my heart cold.  Leeler and Jacob were lowering
Jira down from the wagon, a large red stain spreading
itself over her shoulder.

“Jira!” I cried.

Dropping from the saddle I knelt next to her, pulling
a neckerchief from around my neck to press to her
shoulder.  Leeler was shaking, his face paling with
each drop of blood she shed.  Through the brush
Kenthew and Peter came crashing into view dragging to
young boys with them, tossing them to the ground, guns
trained at the two strangers, barely older then
children.

“They shot her!”

“T’was an accident!  We heered the nis ‘n’thought ya
was deer!  Honest!  We di’n’ mean ya no harm, we’d
nevuh shoot a gal!” one of them cried, as pale and
shaking as Leeler.

Looking at her shoulder I knew she was loosing too
much blood and I didn’t want to think what this would
do to the baby.

“Is there a doctor in this cove?” looking at the two
boys.  Both shook heir head quickly.  “You,” pointing
to the blond one, slightly smaller than the dark
haired one.  “Come with me, show me how to find the
doctor.”

Getting to my feet I mounted Ernst, pulling the boy up
behind me and, with him pointing the way, we were off,
racing against time to find the doctor.  Nothing was
said between us save for his directions of which trail
to take.  Urging Ernst to go faster we broke into a
clearing and I raced full throttle for the building at
the top of the hill.  As I slowed the horse the young
man jumped off from behind me running into the
building.  Seconds later a large man came running out
with saddle bags in his hands, his longish red hair
curly and in disarray.

This man was the doctor?  He looked more like a hunter
than a skilled physician but if the people that lived
here trusted him I had no choice.  Jira needed help. 
As he mounted a woman emerged from within the
building, the young man at her side.  Meeting her eyes
for the briefest of moments the older woman paled as
though she’d seen a ghost.  Though the sight of it
nagged at me I pushed it aside as I raced back to the
trail, the doctor behind me all the way, until we
reached Jira’s side.

While I wanted to go be with Jira I knew I would only
be in the way, my emotions would get the best of me,
whether it be fear or concern, and I opted to speak
with the second young man that Kenthew and Peter were
watching over.  “Tell me what happened boy.”

His eyes grew wide and for a moment I wondered if he
was going to pass out, his face wearing the same look
as the woman before.  I repeated my demand,
purposefully making my voice harder than before; it
worked.

“We was huntin’.  Me ‘n’ John we thought we heered a
deer so we tuk aim.  Only after we fir’d ‘n’ dun seen
it was people we gots scared a run’d away.  Yer men
found us and drug us back ‘ere.  Honest, we di’n’ mean
ta shoot ‘er, we’re so sorry!”

Looking past the boy to Kenthew and Peter I saw both
of them shaking their heads, they didn’t believe his
story.  Turning away I went over to Paolo, as the head
of the family he had final decision about what to do. 
Telling him what the boy had told me I waited for his
answer.  “Get their names and let them go,” he said
after a moment.  “We’ll talk with their Pa’s later
after we know how Jira is doing.”

Nodding I went back to the boy, demanding his name and
that of his friend John.  “I be Rob Allen and my
friend be John Spencer.  Please, we di’n’ mean ta
hurt’er.”

“You go home and you tell your Pa what happened today,
see to it that your friend John does the same.  When
this is over we’ll be talking to your kin about what
you’ve done.  No git.”

“Yes’m.”  Though he moved a step away the boy looked
back at me, stopping in his tracks, his eyes as wide
as a full moon.  “Ma’am…”

“What?” I snapped at him, my concern for Jira
outweighing my anger toward him, for now.  Turning to
look him in the eyes I saw that he still wore a pale
look.  Why was he staring at me like that?

“Nothin’ ma’am.”

He was gone quicker than a deer, disappearing into the
brush.  Kenthew and Peter weren’t happy but let him go
both of them knowing that Paolo had made his decision.
 Turning to check on Jira I saw that the doctor has
sitting on his horse while Jacob and Leeler were
putting Jira in the wagon.  Before I could ask what
was happening Leeler began to move the wagon down the
trail, both he and the doctor going as fast as they
could.

“What’s going on?” I asked Ninnette.

Her eyes tearing she told me that they were taking
Jira back to the mission so the doctor could operate
to remove the bullet in a clean place so as to reduce
the risk of infection.  Sending the women and children
on ahead in the other wagon I stayed back with Celia
and Jacob to care for the last two wagons, Kenthew and
Peter staying with the women and children just in
case.  Some time later we pulled up to the building
and saw the women and children gathered on the front
porch.

Pushing my way indoor I looked to the one side and saw
the large doctor bending over Jira’s too still form, a
dark skinned man working side by side with him.  The
sight too much for me I looked the other way to see
the older woman from before offering Ninnette some tea
to calm herself.  When she straightened and saw me the
teapot in her hand shook a bit as she placed it on the
table.  I was sure the situation had overwhelmed her.

“Are you all right ma’am?  Do you need to sit down?”

Shaking her head the woman looked at me with a kind
smile, though I also saw some sadness in it.  “No,
thank thee, I will be quite fine.  Though perhaps thee
would like some tea?”

“No, thank you, I don’t think I could handle anything
right now.” 

Taking Jacob’s hat off I ran my hands shakily through
my hair, the events of this last hour beginning to
catch up with my nerves, I could feel my heart still
racing in my chest.  Even through all that I could
still feel the uneasiness from the woods, before Jira
had been hurt.  It hadn’t gone away, only increasing
as I stood in the building and saw each reaction of
the strangers I met, their faces paling and eyes
widening in disbelief of something.  But what? 

“This is Miss Alice Henderson, she runs the mission
here,” Emma introduced the woman to me.

“Miss Alice Henderson,” nodding to her, trying to
curve my lips into a passable smile.  “My name is
Merry.  Thank you for allowing us to use the mission
for the operation.”

“‘Tis only a little thing, Doctor MacNeill uses our
mission quite often,” she smiled back, her smile as
fake as mine.  Something had truly put this woman off
kilter.  “Merry is thy name?  An interesting one if I
may say so.”

“I’m afraid it’s the only one I know.”

Even as the words left my mouth I felt they were
strange, as she did as well, a frown crossing her
face.  Before I could say another word a mans voice,
thick with an accent I couldn’t quite place, boomed
out over the silence.

“She’ll be all right for now, but she’s not to get out
of bed until her child is born.  It shouldn’t be too
long now, no doubt it will have been quickened by the
trauma.”

Turning on my heel to face the doctor, the large man
with curly red hair, I watched as yet another
strangers face paled.  The giant of a man who stood
before me stared at me, his eyes filling with pain and
disbelief, despair and hope all at once.  “Christy,”
he breathed, his voice filled with all I saw in his
eyes.

My brow drew in confusion but my eyes were drawn to a
shock of wild bright red hair I saw pass through the
doorway, stopping in the space between the doctor and
I.  Her eyes met mine and the girl screamed, fainting
into a heap on the floor.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Memories of the Heart – Chapter Four




Moving quickly the dark skinned man that had been
working with the doctor caught the girl before she
could hit her head on the wooden floor.  Picking her
up in his arms he carried her into another room, Miss
Henderson following to be sure the girl was all right.
 I turned back to face the doctor, his expression
unchanged though I could tell he had noted the girls
actions.  From the corner of my eye I saw Mason enter
the room, putting his hand on my arm.

“Merry?  We heard a scream, is everything okay in
here?”

“Yes,” I replied, unable to remove my eyes from the
doctor’s gaze, his eyes intense as they stared at me. 
It felt as though he could see to my very soul.  “The
girl, she fainted.”

Looking from me to the doctor Mason moved a bit
between us, blocking me from his view though I could
still see him over Mason’s shoulder.  “Doctor, what of
Jira?”

Blinking the tall man shook his head and pulled his
thoughts back to his patient.  Repeating his earlier
comments he added, “She’ll need to stay here, at the
mission where I can keep an eye on her.”

As though on cue Jira moaned from her place on the
table.  Skirting around mason I passed the doctor and
moved to her side.  I took her one hand in mine and
smoothed a stay lock of hair from her face.  “It’s
okay, Jira, don’t try to move.  You’ve been hurt but
you’re going to be just fine.”

“My baby?” she whispered, her gray eyes wide with
fright.  “What about my baby?”

“Your baby is perfectly fine, but you’ll give birth
soon, in a day or so I’ll bet.  Until then you have to
rest so that you have the energy to bring this child
into the world.  It’s very important, okay?”  She
closed her eyes and nodded her head slightly.  “Go
back to sleep, Jira, everything is going to be just
fine.”

Summoning the help of Mason and Jacob Doctor MacNeill
had Jira moved to a room on the first floor of this
mission.  Moving out to the porch in the back of the
mission I bent over, leaning my arms and head upon the
railing for support.  What else could possibly go
wrong today?  From behind me I heard the swoosh of
skirts and turned to see Miss Henderson standing in
the doorway, watching me as though she were seeing a
ghost.  

“Ma’am?  Is everything okay?  You’re staring.”

With a shake of her head a smile returned.  “I’m
sorry, thee must think me rude to stare as I did.  It
is only…” she hesitated and moved to sit on one of the
chairs.  “Thee look as a twin to a dear daughter that
passed on over a year ago.  It is disconcerting to see
thee and think of thee as Merry instead of…” Pausing
her words she looked away and I could see that she was
having trouble containing her emotion.

“Christy?”  She glanced up sharply and I knew that was
whom she spoke of.  “I heard the Doctor call me that
name before the girl fainted.  I’m sorry to bring this
pain back to your mind.”

“Tis not thy fault,” she tried to smile.  “But I fear
thee will find this reaction all over the cove. 
Christy was the mission teacher.”

“May I ask…? What was she to the doctor?  He seemed
affected more than most.”

Miss Henderson met my gaze with all seriousness.  “She
was to be his wife.”

His wife!  I could feel my heart twinge with her words
that explained the range of emotions I had seen in his
eyes.  The man had lost his fiancé.

Before I could offer my sympathies to her again a
shout rang out from within the building, I recognized
it as Jacob’s voice.  Quickly I moved back into the
main room to find it empty, everyone was on the porch.
 Stopping in the doorway I saw Kenthew taking aim at
someone, his face hardened into a stony mask.  I moved
closer and saw an older man with a long beard and
steely eyes also pointing his rifle and Kenthew, a
stand off.

“Put it away Birdseye, these people are on mission
property,” Miss Henderson said, her own rifle now in
her hands, though aimed at the sky.

What had started this?  What would possible bring two
men to hold guns to each other in such a short time? 
Then I saw it.  A large boy, no older then Celia, was
standing a little behind the man called Birdseye his
lip bloody, and a cloth sac I recognized as my food
sac in his hands; the boy had stolen from us and was
caught.  This man must be his father.  I couldn’t stop
the sigh that escaped my lips; our time here was not
going well at all.

“Paolo,” I whispered to the old man standing against
the wall, watching with an interest hidden behind a
mask of impassion.

“The boy has stolen from us Merry, I’ll not stop
Kenthew.”

“The boy is just hungry, Paolo, food is in short
supply in these mountains.”

Just past Paolo I saw the doctor look at me with a
look I couldn’t quite read but I ignored him for now. 
“The sac is mine Paolo, let him have it.”

Thinking for a moment Paolo nodded.  “The rations are
yours to do with as you will, Merry.”

Taking a deep breath I moved off the porch to stand in
front of Kenthew.  “Please, Kenthew let them go, lower
your rifle.”  But he shook his head; he wasn’t going
to budge.  Turning I moved a little closer to the
other man, Birdseye, standing directly in front of his
rifle.  I could hear Emma’s gasp, as well as those of
the other people gathered but I knew, somehow I knew
this man wouldn’t shoot me.  “Birdseye, take the sac,
leave us alone.”

I saw his eyes flick to me for the briefest of moments
before returning Kenthew to his line of sight.  Almost
instantly I saw his eyes widen in shock and meet mine
once more.  His was the same reaction as everyone else
I’d met.  Taking a few steps back he stared at me
before his eyes suddenly returned to normal.  Nodding
his head in one brief crisp nod he turned and left,
calling for his boy to come with him.  

Watching them leave I finally reminded myself to
breath, my heart began racing within my chest as air
filled my lungs again.  It had been a stupid move to
step in front of his rifle like that, stupid, stupid,
stupid…

“What did you think you were doing?”  Kenthew grabbed
my arm, twirling me around to face him, his grasp firm
and a little painful.  Gasping at the force of it I
looked up to his face and saw that he was furious. 
“You could have been killed, Merry!  That was a stupid
thing to do!”

“Let go of my arm Kenthew,” I told him, my voice cold
as I twisted out of his grasp.  “I tried to talk to
you first, but you wouldn’t listen.”

“Don’t put this on me, Merry,” he began.

“I’m not,” cutting him off a little rudely.  “He
wouldn’t have shot me.”

“How can you say that?  I saw his finger on the
trigger.  You had no idea he wasn’t going to pull it
and shoot you right there!”  His voice was getting
louder as he yelled at me.

“Because Birdseye Taylor would never shoot a woman!” I
yelled back before walking away from him and into the
mission house, passing everyone I could feel their
wide eyes staring at me.  

It wasn’t until I was standing next to Jira’s bed that
what I had said finally made its way into my mind. 
How had I known he wouldn’t shoot me?  And how did I
know he was a Taylor?  My legs gave out underneath me
and I sat down hard on a chair next to her bed.  What
was happening to me?  Why did this place feel so
strange and yet so familiar?  Who were these people? 
Who was the woman they thought I was?

Jira stirred on the bed next to me and all the
questions flew out of my mind.  Slowly her gray eyes
opened and her face creased with a grimace of pain.

“Try no to move,” I told her, trying to keep my voice
calm.

It didn’t work.

“What’s wrong, Merry?  You look awful.”

“This has been a bad day, Jira, that’s all.  I’ll look
forward to when we can leave here, this place bothers
me.”

“It gives you a bad feeling?”

Nodding was all I could do; I didn’t know how to
explain what I felt.  Ninnette entered the room and I
was glad for the interruption.  Slipping out of the
room I walked up the stairs to the second floor and
stood at the railing overlooking the pond, my
questions beginning to return to me.

This woman, Christy, how had she died?  Did I really
look like her?  What had she been like?  I wondered
about her out of simple curiosity but it was this
place that had me mystified.  These mountains seemed
oddly familiar yet I know I’d never been here before. 
Or had I?

Hearing people from within the room I moved out of
sight but when I heard the doctor’s brogue I stopped
still, something telling me to listen.

“Alice, its her, you know it well as I do!”

“Neil, thee cannot be sure.  The wreck was very
extensive, no one could have survived, especially not
after the fire.”

“No body was ever confirmed as hers, Alice.  It’s...
it's Margaret all over again.”

“Thee cannot believe that!”  Listening to her I could
tell that she was upset by his words.  “Christy loved
thee more than Margaret ever knew how to.”

“I know that Alice, but this makes no sense.  How can
she be alive and not come back here?  Not contact us? 
Amnesia is the only answer!”

“Neil, it may very well be that Merry is not…”

“I know its her!  Alice everything about her tells me
its Christy.  The way she moves, the way she speaks,
and the things she does.  Lundy stole that sac of food
and she let him have it even though it belonged to her
because she knew he needed the food!”

“As any good person would have.”

“And how did she know that Birdseye’s name was Taylor
when no one had mentioned it?  She knew he wouldn’t
shoot a woman yet everything about him made it seem
like he would.  Alice, I’m telling you… its Christy.”

The woman sighed deeply and I heard her sit down on
the bed.  “I believe thee may be right, but what can
we do?  She obviously has amnesia and believes she is
part of that family now, if thee tries to convince her
otherwise she will avoid thee.”

Now it was his turn to sigh.  “I don’t know, Alice. 
All I know is that I can’t let her go, not when
there’s a chance I could have Christy in my life
again.  I’ve lost her once Alice, I refuse to let it
happen again.”

“Which would thee rather have, Neil?  Christy here by
thy side, or out in the world traveling with those who
would make her happy, the people she calls her
family?”  They were silent for a few moments.  “Could
thee live with the knowledge that thy decision has
made her unhappy?”

Again silence reigned, this time longer.

“No,” he choked.  “I couldn’t.”

Tears stung at my eyes.  The emotions in his voice
tore at my heart.  I had to get out of there.  Turning
I left as quietly as I could, down the stairs to the
forests edge and right on past it.  I had no idea
where I was going and yet at the same time I did. 
Walking for what seemed like forever I stumbled over a
root and fell to the ground.  

Suddenly I realized that it was very, very dark out. 
With no lantern to see my way back and not enough
moonlight to keep going I sat down against the base of
a tree and settled in for the night.  

The weather was perfect, the nights cool a pleasant
feeling after the day’s hot balminess, and the stars
shone brilliantly.  Sitting there in the darkness, all
alone, I felt a sudden peace that seemed to fill my
entire body, relaxing me and lulling me to sleep.  On
the edge of sleeps consciousness I remembered that no
one knew where I was and prayed they wouldn’t worry.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Waking the next morning I was surprised to find myself
in the woods.  As my memory of the previous day began
to creep in past my sleepiness I stood up to look
around.  Though I was in the forest I could hear the
gurgling of a river.  Heading towards it I saw a large
boulder overlooking a river that was moving at a brisk
pace.  Stepping closer I steadied myself on the
boulder and leaned down to scoop up some of the cool,
clear water.  It was so refreshing!  

Leaning down a little farther to get some more I lost
my footing and slipped.  Catching myself on the
boulder I stayed still for a few moments to catch my
breath.  That had been close, too close for comfort. 
Taking a step back my hold on the rock slipped and I
tumbled toward the water.  Though it had looked mild
from my perch by the boulder its currents were strong,
dragging me with it before I was able to react.

Tossing, bobbing up and down like a stick in the river
I fought to stay above water, sinking several times
only to pop back up and draw in another gulp of air. 
Soaked through, shivering in the surprising coldness
of the river I prayed I would survive this trip all
the while scrambling to grab ahold of something to
pull myself to safety.  Every time I grabbed something
my arms gave out, I was exhausted.  

Sinking below the surface I thought that this was it,
I had no more energy to fight the river.  But from the
bottom of my heart I heard him call out to me, yelling
at me the way he did in my dreams to stay alive that
he would find me, and I knew.  No matter what…

I had to live.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart – Chapter Five



Exhausted, the river dragging me along with its
currents I prayed that something would happen, as I
had no more strength left within my body.  No sooner
had I finished my prayer then I felt something grab
hold of my shirt and pull me from the river as I
passed under a fallen tree.  Lying on the ground,
chest heaving as I tried to breath once more, I opened
my eyes to see that man, Birdseye, staring back at me.
 He was the one who had pulled me from the river; he’d
saved my life.  

“Thank you,” I said softly.

His eyes were intense as he stared at me, silent for
quite some time before speaking.  “I ain’t never shot
no gal, aind I do’n’ aim ta start with you.”  

“I know,” I told him.  “I never doubted you Birdseye.”

Nodding his head he got to his feet.  “Mission’ouse be
that away.  You’d best git walkin’.”

Without another word he turned and left.  Taking a
deep breath I too got to my feet and began to move off
in the direction he had pointed.  This Birdseye was a
strange man to me.  I didn’t like him per say but I
wasn’t afraid of him.  It felt as though no matter how
much I disliked him, when it came down to it I knew I
could trust him with my life so long as I was in the
cove.  Why was that?

Soaked through, looking like a mess I’m sure, I left
the forests edge and began the hike up the rising
clearing toward the mission house at the top.  How on
earth was I going to explain this one?  Approaching
the mission I saw that our little camp in the front
yard was empty, no one was there, everything
abandoned.  Curious, and concerned, I entered the
mission house at the same time as I heard Jira scream.
 She was having the baby!

“She’s been calling for you Merry, you’d better get in
there.”

Ninnette pointed me toward the door and, without a
single question about my appearance or where I’d been,
pushed me toward it.  I knew those questions would
come later.  Opening the door I saw Jira laying on the
bed, her entire body tense as another contraction hit
her body.  Shutting the door behind me I moved to sit
on the end of the bed, pulling her head into my lap as
her body began to relax, the contraction had passed.

“Where were you?  You’re soaking wet,” she accused.

“I’m sorry, Jira,” I said, stroking her sweat soaked
forehead with the hem of my shirt, the cool wetness
helping to ease her.  “I…” I began to tell her but
stopped.  She didn’t need to hear that now.  “I’m here
now, and I’ll not leave, I promise.”

Nodding her head she took my free hand in hers for
comfort as she waited for the next spasm of pain to
hit.  Leeler would not, could not, be in the room with
her even if they had let him.  Seeing Jira in pain
undid him in the worst way.  No doubt Jacob and Mason
had taken him out to smoke, far enough away so that he
couldn’t hear her screams.

A mans hands came to rest on Jira’s belly and I
noticed the doctor for the first time, Miss Henderson
standing at the end of the bed while the dark skinned
man was on the opposite side of Doctor MacNeill.  From
what I’d seen of him he must be an assistant of some
sort, always at the doctors side when bent over a
patient.

“Merry,” Jira asked breathlessly as another
contraction passed.  “Sing for me, sing me the song.”

Smiling at her I continued to wipe her face while I
called up the song in my mind, the song she loved to
sing with me over the fire, when our voices would
blend together in a beautiful harmony.

“Naomi encouraged Ruth to leave,
Even though the parting would her grieve,
But to Moab Ruth just won’t return,
Since her heart for Naomi does yearn.”

“No I never will abandon you,
Where you would be there I would be too,
And where you lie down there I would lie,
And where you die, there please let me die.”

“For your people shall my people be,
And your God my God eternally,
May our God do so and add there to,
Should ought separate my soul from you.”

“Oh what faith and love fair Ruth displayed,
She a noble pattern for us made,
May we ever show like steadfastness,
Firmly cleave to God and righteousness.”

My voice was not the best, but it was not the worst
either, and singing for Jira as she lay in pain I
suddenly realized how true those words were to me. 
Her people were my people; my place had been with them
for the last year of my life.  But would it always be
that way?  My thoughts kept drifting back to the
conversation I had heard yesterday between Miss
Henderson and the Doctor.  I didn’t know what to
think.

Another wave of pain hit Jira and she screamed
immediately.  This was it; the baby was coming. 
Watching the doctor do his work, his attention
diverted, I had a moment to study him while he readied
his instruments just in case they would be needed.  He
was a handsome man, barrel chested, tall, muscular and
yet his hands moved with a delicate nature the defied
everything else about him.  

Working quickly he told Jira when to push and when to
relax and it seemed that within almost no time at all
he held a wiggling mass which he quickly wrapped in a
blanket and gave to Miss Henderson.  Moving off to the
side to clean up the child and keep it warm Miss
Henderson watched while the doctor and the other man
worked to birth the placenta.  Once Jira was cleaned
up and the child checked over by Doctor MacNeill,
mother was handed her baby.

“It’s a wee lass,” the Doctor told Jira as he laid the
baby across her breast.  “She’s perfect.”

Tears streamed down Jira’s cheeks and I was shocked to
find that they did mine as well.  Getting up I leaned
down and kissed both mother and daughter.  “I’ll go
find Leeler so he can come meet his daughter.”

Walking out of the room I saw that the other three
were also standing in the small hallway.  Meeting each
of their eyes I smiled a broad smile.  “Thank you, for
everything.”

While I skirted out the door to find Leeler I heard
Miss Henderson tell the good news to the waiting
crowd.  On the steps Peter and Celia pointed me
towards the second building and I headed over to it to
find the proud Papa.  On the steps of that building
stood Mason, Jacob, and a trembling Leeler.

“It’s over Leeler, you have a healthy baby,” I smiled
at him, hugging my brother with all my might.

He laughed, exuberantly; picking me up and twirling
around for a moment before putting me back down. 
“What is it?” he asked suddenly, his eyes bright.

“A girl, she’s a perfect little girl.”

I watched as he ran off to be by his wife’s side, to
see his little girl; Mason and Jacob nodded to me and
followed him at a slower pace.  Watching him leave I
wondered at my own parents.  Had they been as happy
when I was born?

Shaking my head of the melancholy thoughts I climbed
the stairs, curious about this other building. 
Opening one of the two doors I closed it behind me and
stopped in my tracks.  It was a school!  Row after row
of desks lined both sides of the walkway, each desk
was neatly cleared but I could tell that they had been
used today.  Walking up the aisle between them I
approached the blackboard and took up a piece of
chalk, writing today’s date.

Staring at it I wondered what had possessed me to
write it, but before I knew what I was doing my hand
had already begun to sketch the first thing that had
come to my mind.  When I was done I looked and saw the
pendant of the necklace I wore beneath my shirt. 
Quickly erasing it and replacing the chalk I turned to
see that I wasn’t alone.  “Ma’am,” nodding my head
towards her.  “I’m sorry if I was intruding.”

“No,” Miss Henderson replied.  “Not at all.  I came to
see if thee would like a dry change of clothes.  Thy
present outfit has been soaked through.”

Glancing down at my clothes I was shocked to find that
I had forgotten all about the dripping garments. 
“With all the excitement I’d forgotten.”

She smiled at me with a motherly smile that warmed my
heart.  “What do thee think of our school?”

Looking at the empty rows of desks my eyes saw the
children from my dreams filling them.  “They were all
seated in rows the smallest ones up front to the
larger ones in back, each one smiling at me with their
perfect little faces,” I whispered, more to myself
than to her though I know she heard it as well. 
Closing my eyes for a moment I felt myself swaying and
Miss Henderson put her hands on my arms, sitting me
down in one of the rows.

“Thee is not well, I should call Neil.”

“No.”  Opening my eyes I smiled at her.  “No, thank
you, I’m fine.  Just tired, it’s been a long day I’m
afraid.”

“I was told that thee did not sleep in thy wagon last
night.”

“No,” I laughed.  “I most certainly didn’t.  I had
gone for a walk after… well… after dealing with
Kenthew and Birdseye.  By the time I realized it was
dark it was too dark to turn around and come back so I
slept in the forest.”  I saw her nod in understanding
and for some reason I was compelled to continue, as
though I could tell this woman anything.  “But then
this morning I was getting a drink of water from the
river when my footing slipped and I fell in.”

“Oh!” she gasped.  “Neil must look thee over, to be
sure thee is safe.”

“No, please!  I’m fine, truly I am.  I had tried to
grab hold of something but I didn’t have the strength.
 I prayed that God would help me and no sooner had I
finished my prayer than that man from yesterday,
Birdseye, pulled me from the water.  He told me that
he’d never shoot a woman and then pointed me in the
direction of the mission.  Then he left without
another word.  It was the oddest thing.”

Miss Henderson smiled.  “That is Birdseye Taylor, one
never truly knows what he will do next.”  Silence fell
for a little while as we were both lost in our
thoughts.  It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but
rather as though we were two friends who didn’t need
to speak at all times.  It was a comfortable silence.

But all too quickly it was broken.

“Miss Alice!”

The girl from the mission, the one with wild red hair
who fainted at the sight of me, burst into the school,
a grin splitting her face nearly in two.  Though she
faltered for a step or two her purpose reminded her of
her original excitement and she began to chatter
incessantly to Miss Henderson, prattle of high-strung
words I could barely understand.

“Ruby Mae!  Please calm down and speak more slowly!  I
cannot understand thee.”

“Oh Miz Alice!  Them peoples that jist had thar baby
gal is gonna have dancin’ and singin’ t’night, they
sez we’s all invited, the whole cove!  Oh yer gonna
let me go, raght, Miz Alice, please?  It shorly wuld
be a mite fun night.”

I found it hard not to smile at the girls’ obvious
enthusiasm.  

“I shall see, Ruby Mae, but my answer will depend
partly on whether or not thy chores have been done.”

“Yes’m!” she cried as she fairly flew back out of the
schoolroom.  

It was then that I did laugh.  “I think those chores
will be done in record time Miss Henderson.”

“Please, would thee call me Alice?  Miss Henderson
makes me feel too old.”

Smiling at her, “How about if we agree on Miss Alice?”

Though I had meant it to be kind I wondered if I had
somehow chosen the wrong words as her eyes began to
tear and she placed a finger to her lips.  After a
moment she whispered, “It would make me happy to hear
thee call me Miss Alice.”  Her voice sounded as though
I had given her the greatest gift one could possibly
imagine yet I couldn’t begin to think of why.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart – Chapter Six




“Hear me all of you, and listen to my words of joy!”

All around the movements stilled, talking ceased, and
eyes moved to watch the man who stood atop one of the
wagons so all could see him.

“Today is a day of celebration as what once was only
one has now become two!  On this day my daughter
herself has a daughter and I welcome my new
granddaughter to my family with open arms and a ready
place in my heart.  I bid all of you to share your
laughter with her so that for the rest of her life she
may remember that her day of birth was also a day of
joy and gladness!”

With a nod to us Paolo signaled for the music to begin
and soon music filled the air along with the laughter
of those friends, both old and new, that filled the
yard in front of the mission house.  Sitting with
Silky who blew into her recorder, Peter who’s flute
sang, and Emma who’s tambourine jangled I strummed on
the guitar, our notes coming together in a happy union
of song for all to dance to.

Leeler sang a few songs and then, because his wife was
unable, pulled Celia up from her seat to dance in the
moonlight.  Evening meal had long ago been eaten, not
a family had arrived that hadn’t brought something to
share, and the people I’d been told didn’t like
strangers were laughing and dancing with us in this
celebration of new life.

Looking around I saw Miss Henderson… my apologies…
Miss Alice sitting with the doctor, she smiling and he
trying to.  Meeting her eyes I smiled back.  For a
moment I turned my head away to check my fingering on
the instrument and when I looked back I saw that the
Doctor had left, Miss Alice sitting alone.  I felt a
pang of regret that he had left and wondered why it
was there.  What should it matter to me what the
doctor did?

Though I had no answer as to why all I knew was that
it did.

Many hours later, my fingers aching and my throat
parched I gave the guitar to Celia who took my place,
she also a student of Peter’s skill, and made my way
to Jira who was sitting by another fire.  Sitting next
to her I looked down at the little girl sleep in her
arms, a perfect little child.

“We’ve chosen a name.”  Meeting her eyes I waited for
her to tell me what it was.  “Leeler and I have chosen
Ruth; the name of a woman whose people were not hers
though she loved them as if they were.”

“A fine path to follow,” I smiled at Jira, my sister
in every way that mattered.  Taking the little girl
from her arms I held the tiny bundle in my hands. 
“Hello little Ruth, I’m your Aunt, but you will always
call me Merry.”

Coming over Ninnette took little Ruth away, to put the
child to bed for the night, away from the noise of the
celebration.  Watching the fire for some time Jira
stood to leave, standing before me for a moment. 
“Will you walk with me to the mission house?  The
doctor has asked I spend one more night there, to be
on the safe side.”

“Of course.”

Together we walked around the edge of the party, arm
in arm I supported her still weak body as we walked. 
Climbing the steps we were in her room, she in the
bed, before another word was spoken.  “Papa tells me
we will leave in one days time.”

One day.

“We are behind in our schedule, we’ll need to travel
hard to catch up.”

“Will you be joining us?”

Sitting on the edge of the bed I close my eyes.  “What
makes you ask that?”

“I’ve heard them speaking when they thought I was
asleep.  They say they know you, that you are their
friend that died, and that you look just like her.”

“Yes, that’s what they say.”

Jira was silent for a moment.  “I know my sister well
enough to know that she has many things on her mind. 
I wish that she would share them with me.”

“I don’t know, Jira; I don’t know what to think.  This
place, these people, they seem so familiar and yet at
the same time they don’t.  What if this isn’t my home?
 Could I stay behind and lose the people I love, the
only family I know?  But what if it is my home?  Why
doesn’t it seem more familiar to me?  Why hasn’t it
sparked my memories?”

There were so many questions running wild through my
head.

“I just don’t know.”

Wishing Jira a good night sleep and rest I left the
room.  Standing on the porch of the mission I watched
the celebration but felt no desire to join in again. 
I sat down on one of the wooden rocking chairs and
pulled my necklace from under my shirt.  Staring down
at the pendant I wished he were here, beside me to
tell me the right way to go.  He would know what was
right; he was a smart man.  That was one of the things
I loved about him; one of the few things I could
remember at any rate.

“Oh my love,” I whispered, clutching the pendant in my
hands.  “Help me.”


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Standing on the porch, the early morning dawn quickly
rising into the sky I stared at the mission yard; the
schoolhouse to one side, the forest to the other, and
the pond in between.  The time had come to leave and I
was no closer to an answer.  Stepping down from the
porch I moved over to the schoolhouse stopping when I
saw that there was already somebody in there.

from behind I saw that it was the doctor.  He was
speaking, to himself it seemed, but as I listened I
realized he was speaking with God.

“I hated you for taking Margaret and I hated you even
more for bringing her back.  But you gave me Christy
and something in me began to change.  I stopped seeing
only the blood and the wounds and I saw the people,
their hearts and their souls.  She showed me that it
was possible to believe in people, that doing so would
always bring out the best in them.”

“She had always believed in me.  Even when we fought
over the people or the children she never doubted my
abilities, always calling them a gift from you.  There
was never a doubt in Christy’s mind that I could do
anything, that no matter what the problem was I could
fix it.  But it was she who fixed my problem.  She was
the only one who was able to see what was broken and
show me, help me to fix it.”

“Christy showed me how to love, to really and truly
love with all of my heart.  But there was always
something holding me back, the last piece of the
puzzle that allowed me to see the world through her
eyes.  When she was taken from me I cursed you with
every breath I had in my body.  She was my light and
until the day she was taken away from me.  My heart
was ripped from my chest and I swore that I could not
go on.”

“But that was when you showed me the last piece of the
puzzle, the piece I was missing.  It was you. 
Christy’s love came from you and from her love for
you.  Since that day I have seen the world as Christy
saw it because you showed me, you allowed me to break
past my stubborn pride and my pain to see what she had
known all along.  You are the God of love, tender,
merciful, beautiful love, and without you there is no
love in this world.”

“So I beg of you, please dear Lord, watch over her. 
Keep her safe and alive and most of all keep her
happy.  If you see fit to give her back to me let her
remember someday how much I love her for you are the
keeper of all knowledge.  I know that you have
withheld her memories for some reason I can only guess
at but I beg of you to let her remember some day how
much I love her.”

His voice choked and I could see and hear the sobs
that wracked the man’s body.

“I love her…”

Putting my hand over my mouth I felt the wetness of
the silent tears that had been coursing down my
cheeks.  Turning I fled, racing away from him, from
the pain I had heard in his voice and felt in my
heart.  It was too much; it couldn’t be the truth!  It
just couldn’t.

Stopping short I saw that everyone was ready to go,
the wagons were loaded with the women and children,
horses mounted, everyone was waiting for me… for my
decision.  Standing in the mission yard I looked from
Jira, her solemn face peering at me from the door to
one of the wagons, to Miss Alice who stood on the
porch, her face just as solemn.  Back and forth I
looked, my mind screaming at me to make a decision.

Meeting Paolo’s gaze from the seat of the head wagon I
nodded.  My decision was made.

For several moments I watched them leaving, praying
that I had made the right decision.  Climbing the
steps of the mission I stood before Miss Alice, a
woman who had been as kind to me as a mother’s voice
is to a child’s ear.  Meeting her eyes I knew no words
were needed.  She already knew.  Descending the stairs
once more and moving over to Ernst, I mounted the
horse.  

from my perch in the saddle I saw the doctor emerge
from the schoolhouse.  Across the yard I met his eyes
and he knew, as had Miss Alice.  Unable to say
anything, I couldn’t have had I tried, I turned Ernst
away from the hitching post and galloped after the
wagons, afraid that if I stopped moving, I wouldn’t
start again.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Memories of the Heart – Chapter Seven



“Let’s stop for noon meal,” Paolo announced.

The wagons pulled off into the clearing Kenthew had
found and the children emerged from the wagons to run
off their energy before it was time to go again.  All
morning we traveled, following the path away from
Cutter Gap, the cove that had caused many a tear to
fall from my eyes.  With each stride it had become
harder and harder to not look back, not to wonder what
might have been.

Dismounting I tethered Ernst to a tree, brushing him
down, giving him a handful of oats and letting him
graze while I went to sit with Jira.  Taking the plate
of food I pushed it around the tin with my spoon, my
appetite nowhere to be found.

“Merry?”

Looking up from my seat on the ground I saw Shay
standing over me, Emma’s little girl was as
inquisitive as her mother.  “Yes Shay?”

“How come you’re not smiling?”

“Out of the mouth of babes,” Jira whispered, knowing
full well that I would hear her.

Putting my plate on the ground I pulled Shay into my
lap.  “I just have a lot of things to think about
that’s all.”

“But you’re still happy to be here with us?”

Was I happy?  I opened my mouth to answer her innocent
question but no words came.  I had no answer, not for
her and not for myself.  Kissing her forehead I set
the little girl back on her feet and stood to my own. 
With a brief smile I walked off into the woods,
questions and doubts ringing out in my mind.

Stopping by a large tree I leaned against it, bending
over to put my head in my hands.  What was I going to
do?  I couldn’t go back, but staying here felt wrong! 
Frowning I put an end to that thought.  My place was
here, with my family.  ‘But are they my true family?’ 
I couldn’t stop the thought from crossing my mind and
once it had I could think of nothing else.

Closing my eyes I pictured the joy on Leeler’s face
when he heard of Ruth’s birth and I wondered again if
my parents had felt the same way.  What if they had? 
What if they had loved me with all of their heart and
now they thought I was dead?  Shaking my head I kept
walking.  Then I was dead to them, let it stay that
way, less heartache, I’m sure they’d gotten on with
their lives.

Staring at my hands I realized that I had been
dragging the pendant of my necklace back and forth
across its chain.  Opening my palm I stared at the
intricate design of the silver pendant.  In the very
center was a scripted letter, ‘M’, could it stand for
something other than Merry as I’d tried so hard to
believe?  Was it in any way possible that the ‘M’ was
for MacNeill?  In my head I heard his words to God,
the love and emotion that had poured out from his
heart.

Was that love for me?

“I don’t know!” I cried, my voice disturbing the
silence of the forest.  “I don’t know,” I whispered.

Dropping to my knees before a felled tree I bowed my
head, searching my heart for an answer only to find
none.  Why couldn’t I find an answer I needed?  What
was stopping me?  For what reason was God keeping the
information I so dearly needed from me?  It was then
that I realized.  

“Oh God Almighty,” I prayed.

“I know that I have always been able to come to you
when my heart was filled with questions, questions
that I have no answer to.  You are the keeper of
knowledge; you alone know when it will be the right
time for me to receive the knowledge I so keenly want.
 But I beg of you… tell me… where should I be?”

“The only life I can remember is the life I have had
with my people, with Jira’s family.  I love them all
so dearly but I know that they are not my true family.
 I know that out there, somewhere, are my people, the
children I see in my dreams, the little ones who are
so perfect.  I know that I love them very much, but I
cannot find them!”

“Please… please… help me find them.  Show me the right
thing to do before it is too late.  I cannot do this
anymore.  Either I must move on with Jira’s family and
forget my life I once lived or I must search on my own
for the people who loved the woman I was.  Oh God,
which one?  Which is the right path?”

Kneeling in the forest I heard the wind pick up, its
howling seemed to be singing the haunting song that
had eluded me for so long and right then I knew. 
There was no more denying what I needed to do.  The
path was a rocky one but my time in the shadows was
over.  If I was to ever really know who I am I must
step out of the shadows and stand in the light, for
only then would I see the truth.

Getting to my feet I moved back the way I had come,
back to the clearing where one of my families waited. 
Emerging from the forest I saw Jira sitting alone by
the fire, little Ruth in her arms feasting at her
mothers breast.  Crossing to them I knelt beside
mother and daughter.

“I’ll miss you, my sister.”

She already knew.  Jira, who could read my heart as
easily as if it were an open book, my sister in every
way that mattered to me, a dear friend that I would
miss with every breath I drew.  

“No more than I’ll miss you.”  Waiting for her to look
at me I continued.  “You gave me everything I needed,
Jira.  You gave me a family and a home but most
importantly you gave me a friendship that I will never
forget.  Your memory has been burned into my heart and
nothing can ever remove it from there.”

Smiling a sad soft smile she reached out to hug me
close.  “Ruth will hear every day about her Aunt Merry
and the wonderful, beautiful, and wise woman that she
was.  After all, it was she that I named her after. 
Every Naomi needs a Ruth, and while I had mine for
only a little while, I know that I will have her in my
heart forever.”

Tears stung at my eyes and my throat closed.  I
couldn’t speak, her simple words touching me more than
I had ever thought possible.  Hugging once more I
kissed her cheek, both mother and daughter, and moved
off to remove my small bag of items from the wagon. 
Standing before the people I had called family for
over a year I had no words for them.  Tears were in
more eyes than just mine as I hugged them goodbye.

“We shall return this way in one year.  Whatever has
happened we shall see you then.”

Nodding to Paolo I turned and began to walk away,
unable to look behind in fear that I would loose what
little control I had over my emotions, waiting until I
was well out of sight before allowing the tears my
eyes had been harboring to finally fall freely down my
face.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The night sky was dark, the moon offering little
light, but I knew I needed to press on, the rain
preventing me from sleeping under the stars as I had
two nights ago.  I had been walking for so long yet as
I neared the cove my steps seemed to be lighter, just
a little easier to make.  Though I was sopping wet and
exhausted I kept going, climbing the hill, climbing
the stairs to knock on the door.  It opened and I
looked up into the startled eyes that were on the
other side, one question burning in my mind.

“Who am I?”


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Memories of the Heart – Chapter Eight




Sitting before the fire, dressed in a dry change of
clothes, I sat huddled under a quilt, my legs tucked
under me as I sat on the soft cushion of the
davenport.  The mission house was quiet, I was
supposed to be asleep but I couldn’t; too many things
were running through my head.

I had arrived a few hours ago, cold, wet and hungry,
and they had taken me in without hesitation; fed me,
gave me dry clothes, and given me a place to sleep. 
Now they were all asleep, the Reverend, Thomas Parker,
the girl, Ruby Mae, Miss Alice.  I was the only one
awake though I wished I were as asleep as they were. 
Miss Alice had promised to answer all of my questions
the next day; that I should rest myself.  

Getting up, wrapping the quilt around me as though it
were a shawl I prowled around the first floor of the
mission house, looking for something, anything that
wold help me to remember.  Entering the kitchen I
looked around but saw nothing.  The small dining room
was much the same, although I swore I could smell the
scent of burnt possum meat.  Looking through the main
room I stopped when I saw a hand drawn picture of the
mountains framed and hanging upon the wall.

“That was the first drawing thee did for the mission. 
There are several hanging throughout the two
buildings.”

Turning I smiled at Miss Alice.  “I drew these?”

“Yes,” her smile appearing.  “Thee are quite the
artist.  But thee already knows that.”

“I don’t draw much, but I could see that it looked
very good if I took my time.”  Moving back to the
fireplace I stood staring at the clock on the mantle. 
It was well past midnight.  “I didn’t mean to wake
you, Miss Alice.”

“I could not sleep any more than thee could I’m
afraid.”

For a few moments we were both equally silent. 
Sitting on a footstool by her feet I looked up at the
soft motherly eyes and a question poured out before I
could stop it.  “Miss Alice, where is my family?”

“Thy family lives in Asheville, ‘tis a city many, many
miles from here.  Thee have a father, a mother, and a
brother.  At one time thee also had a sister but sadly
she died of Scarlet Fever.”

“If they live in Asheville, how did I come to be
here?”

“Thee came here over four years ago to teach at the
mission school.”

“Oh!”  

That explained my dreams, the children sitting in
rows.  I told Miss Alice of my dream and she smiled.

“Perhaps thy heart was trying to help thee remember
those thee loves.  Tomorrow thee shall accompany me to
the school for morning classes.  Perhaps it will help
thee to remember.”

“I’d like that, thank you!”

“But that means that thee will need thy sleep.” 
Standing she smiled down at me for a moment before
moving away.  “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Miss Alice.”

As I settled into the davenport I noticed that she
hadn’t used my name, calling neither Christy nor Merry
and I was grateful for it.  Until I knew who I was
neither name seemed to fit me.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


That night I dreamed that the man I love had stood
next to me while I slept at the mission.  He didn’t
wake me, only pulling the quilt up around my
shoulders, tucking the edges in and kissing my
forehead.  He whispered ‘I love you’ before moving
away.  

This morning when I woke to find that the quilt was
tucked in around me, though I don’t remember putting
it that way before I went to sleep.  Getting up from
the davenport and washing up a bit at the pump in the
yard, I entered the small dining area to see the
Doctor sitting at the table with Miss Alice and the
Preacher.  Lowering myself into the nearest seat I saw
each of them smile at my joining them at the table.  I
smiled back just as Ruby Mae entered with a few bowls
of oatmeal.  

“Thank you, Ruby Mae,” as the bowl was placed before
me.  

“Oh yer welcome, teacher.  Hit shorly  is good ta have
ya back with us.  We missed ya something fierce
thinkin’ ya was ded an all!  Lordy I cain’t rightly
‘magin wat it must’a bin lak fer ya!  I somtimez
wondered wat it’d be lak ta not be rememberin’
everythin’ an I shorly cain’t do it.  M’be itz cauz I
ain’t got no amnesia lak ya do.  I wonderz if’n…”

“Ruby Mae thee forgot the bread, would thee get it
please?”

“Oh shurly Miz Alice!”

The girl scurried away into the kitchen and I looked
down at my bowl, my appetite gone.  I think that it
was a good thing too, because the bowl of food before
looked even less appetizing than Paolo’s cooking,
which had turned my stomach on more than one occasion.
 Picking up my spoon I separated one of the lumps and
saw that it was actually a chunk of squash mixed in
with the oatmeal.

“Thee will find that Ruby Mae is very… creative… with
our food.”

“Oh,” still staring at the lump on my spoon.

“Yer suppozed ta eat it, not stare at it,” the young
girl reminded me as she entered the dining room with
the plate of bread and butter.  “Oh!  I dun fergot the
milk too!”

Putting the spoon of food into my mouth I smiled as I
swallowed it whole as fast as I could.  Suppressing a
shudder I smiled at the girl and spooned some more,
carefully avoiding the lumps.  Across the tale I saw
Miss Alice’s mouth twitching as she suppressed her
smile and the doctor was masking his with his pipe. 
Watching as Ruby Mae disappeared into the kitchen I
couldn’t help but smile as well, a small laugh
escaping my lips as I put the spoon down.

“Are the, um, are the meals always this… interesting?”

“Just wait till dinner,” the Preacher said with a
grin.  “Ruby Mae’s Possum Surprise will truly define
the meals we eat here at the mission.”

Putting my hand to my head I tried to stop the
laughter that was bubbling up within.  This would
indeed be an interesting day.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


“Children!  Children settle down,” 

Miss Alice called for order in the classroom and the
large crowd of almost seventy children settled quickly
into their seats.  From my seat by the chalkboard I
watched them and I saw what I had so many times in my
dreams.  I saw that they were all seated in rows the
smallest ones up front to the larger ones in back,
each one smiling at me with their perfect little
faces.

“As you all can see we have a visitor today.”

For the first time many of the children looked to the
front corner of the schoolroom where I sat and I could
see the shock, the delight, begin to register in their
eyes.

“Hit be Teacher!” one of the children cried out.

Instantly the children began to clamor excitedly, each
one striving to be heard above the rest.  Only one
little girl was quiet in the din of noise.  Sliding
out of her seat she approached me cautiously, her big
eyes shiny.  Stretching out her arms she climbed into
my lap and wrapped her skinny arms around my neck,
hugging me tightly.

“I missed you teacher,” she whispered in my ear.

Her voice was filled with a joy that overflowed into
my heart.  How could I have ever forgotten such a
beautiful little girl?  Hugging her back I forgot
about all the other children in the room, not
realizing that they had all fallen silent, Miss Alice
watching on with tears in her eyes.  After a moment
the little girl went back to her seat and I looked
across the room to Miss Alice standing in the aisle
way.  Motioning for her to join me I stepped out of
the classroom for a moment.

“I’d like to do this alone, Miss Alice.  I think I
need to.  If I was the teacher here then I probably
did it alone.”

“That may not be wise on thy first day back.”

“I need to try.”

Nodding Miss Alice smiled and moved back into the
classroom, I heard her tell the class that they should
behave and that I would be in charge until she
returned at noon recess.  Taking a deep breath I
prayed for Gods help and went to stand before the
classroom.  Waving goodbye to Miss Alice as she went
down the stairs I faced the crowd of children on my
own, unsure of how to proceed.

I couldn’t start as though this was the first day of
class but I also couldn’t just jump right in as though
no time has passed.  Standing in front of the silent
room I looked over at the little girl who had hugged
me and I was inspired.  Pulling the chair I had been
sitting on to the middle of the front of the room I
sat down and looked at al of the children before me. 
With the added height of the step I was able to see
all of them watching me with curious stares.

“Since all of you know me I’d like to take this
morning to get to know you.  Why don’t we start with
the youngest and we’ll work our way back to the
oldest.  You can come up here or you can stay in your
seat if you’d like.  When it’s your turn you can tell
me, and everyone here, your name and something that
makes you different from everyone else.”

The little girl from before stood up from her seat
when I looked at her and came back up to my side. 
Hugging me once more she said in a small voice, “My
name is Mountie.”  Looking down she fingered the
buttons on her coat before looking back up at me. 
“You gave me my buttons.”

Smiling at her I hugged the little girl, Mountie, and
she returned to her seat.  One by one the children
came up to me, none choosing to stay in their seats,
not even the older ones.  I tried to remember all of
their names and what they told me; there were so many
of them.  Creed, Little Burl, Zady, Bessie, Becky,
Ruby Mae, Sam Houston, Clara, Festus, Issak, Orter
Ball, Vella… I wondered how I had ever learned all of
their names.

When we got to the back of the room I saw that two of
the older boys kept glancing at each other, nervous
already and growing worse as we got closer to them.  I
recognized the one from the woods and I guessed that
the other was his friend that had ridden with me to
the mission.  They introduced them selves as Rob Allen
and John Spencer, Rob telling me of his love of
writing and stories and John of his love of music. 
Smiling at them I saw them relax when they realized I
held no ill will towards them.

“Teacher,” one of the little boys, Creed I think,
called out when the last child had spoken.  “How come
ya don’t ‘member us?  Is it ‘cause ya waz gone fer
s’long?”

“No, silly,” another one spoke up.  What was her name?
 Zady?  “You heard wat Miz Alice said, she gots hurt,
thatz why she don’ ‘member us.”

Creed looked upset that he’d been called a name so I
stepped in before it could go too far. 

“Now children!  You are both correct but for different
reasons.”  How did I put this in simple terms when I
barely understood it myself?  “You see, over a year
ago something very bad happened to me and I was hurt. 
When a person gets hurt as badly as I was it makes
them forget what it was that caused the pain in the
first place.  Only when they forget that they also
forget everything else that came before it.”

“That’s right, children,” a loud voice called out from
the doorway.  Looking up I saw the doctor standing in
the doorway, filling it with his frame, a long shadow
falling across the floor.  “That’s what we call
amnesia.”

Saddlebags tossed over his shoulder he walked down the
aisle ways and placed his bags on the floor beside the
desk.  Turning back to the children he continued to
address them, his rich voice filling the air,
captivating the audience with his words.

“You see, when something hits a person on the head
very hard it can make that person lose their memory,
just like Teacher said.”

“Watz the ferst thing ya ‘members, Miz Christy?”

“The first thing I remember…” Closing my eyes I tried
to picture my very first memory, the most solid one I
could recall.  “I was lying in a bed, there was a
quilt or a blanket over me and a woman was sitting
next to me.  She kept telling me that it was okay,
that I was safe and I didn’t need to worry anymore. 
My throat hurt, I think I’d been screaming but I
didn’t know why.”

Opening my eyes I suddenly realized how much I had
said.  Looking around I saw the wide-open stares of
the children.  Wincing I knew I’d said too much, they
were scared.  Quickly I got to my feet, putting the
chair back where it had been and standing next to the
doctor.  

“But everything is beginning to get back to normal now
and thankfully I have all of you to help me remember
who I am.  So here is your assignment from me to you. 
I want you to write down the very first thing that
each of you can remember.  No matter how long ago, how
little, or how much.  Write it down and then tomorrow
morning we can share them with each other.”

Looking up to the doorway I saw Miss Alice standing
there.

“And I see that it’s also time for noon recess so why
don’t you all head on out after you make a note of the
assignment for tomorrow.”

After a moment of writing and noting the children
scrambled out to the yard to play.  When the last one
had gone I sunk down into one of the desks.  “What a
stupid thing to say!  I should never have told them
that,” I chastised myself.

“What is the matter?  What did thee say?” Miss Alice
asked as she came closer, her eyes filled with worry
over my sudden change in demeanor.  I told her what I
had said and she nodded.  “Thee is worried they will
be scared.  Perhaps they will be, but no more so than
when they thought thee dead.  Thy coming back is a
miracle to them, they are happy above all else.”

“Alice is right,” the doctor stepped in.  “You
answered them honestly and that’s what they asked for.
 You need to get to know one another again and you’ve
just made the biggest step towards re-gaining your
relationships with them.”

“And now it is time for thy next step.  I must stay
here to teach but Neil is in need of a companion
during his rounds as Dan Scott is busy with work at
his cabin and lessons.  Would thee accompany him?  It
will help thee to become familiar with the mountains
again.  Prince is saddled and ready for thee at the
mission after thy lunch.”

I got the distinct feeling that I had been set up but
I realized just as easily that I didn’t mind.  I had
many questions about this place and, as one of the
mountain people, I hoped the good doctor could answer
them for me.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Memories of the Heart – Chapter Nine



Sitting across the table from the doctor, a small
plate of bread and fruit before me, silence reigned. 
Unlike the silence I had experienced with Miss Alice
this was an uncomfortable one, as though neither of us
knew quite what to say.  Unable to bear it any more I
spoke first.

“Tell me Doctor…”

“Please… call me Neil.  Doctor sounds much too
formal.”

“Very well.  Neil,” I said purposefully.  “Have you
always lived in these mountains?”

“Yep, born and raised.  I’ve lived in my cabin for all
but a few of my years when I lived in Pennsylvania.”

“Pennsylvania?  What was there?”

“College.  I went to the Jefferson Medical College in
Pennsylvania for several years before coming back here
to practice.”

“Did you always want to be a doctor?”

Leaning back, chewing on a slice of fruit, he was
silent for a moment.  I could tell he was considering
my question.  It was as though I could see the wheels
turning behind his eyes.

“No, not always.  I always knew I’d wanted to help
people, but it wasn’t until a group of men came to the
mountain to hunt that I discovered what I wanted to do
with my life.  They were doctors each and every one. 
My father led them around the mountain, showing them
the best spots to hunt and I carried their bags.  They
took to me and when I decided I wanted to be a doctor
they made it possible.”

Lunch over we moved out to the horses and were soon
under way, my questions still flowing from my mind,
through my mouth, to his ears.  He supplied the
answers.

“What about Miss Alice?  When did she move here?”

“Alice came about ten years before you did, so I guess
that makes it almost fourteen years now.  She found
her niche here, though I expect she could fit in
almost anywhere.”

Maneuvering through a tricky path our conversation
slacked off for a little bit, but before I could ask
another question he cupped his hands to his mouth and
hollered.  An answering holler came back and we
proceeded on.

“What was that for?”

“Don’t ever approach a cabin without calling out first
unless it’s the mine or someone you know extremely
well.  You’d likely find yourself on the wrong end of
a rifle.”

“Oh.”

Oh bother.

Walking the horses up the trail to a ramshackle cabin
I wondered how anyone could live here.  A woman came
to the doorway and I felt my hear go out to her. 
Years of work and hard times had left their mark on
this woman.  Her hands were red and work-worn, her
shoulders stooped under the weight of her life, but it
was her eyes that made me want to weep. They were
hopeless; the life she lived had taken the young girl
out of her and replaced her with an old woman who was
aged far to soon.

“Miz Christy!  I heerd ya dun come back.  We waz all
afeered ya waz ded.”

“Hello,” I greeted her, taking her hand firmly in mine
though it was coated with flour and lard.  “You’ll
have to forgive me, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t remember
your name.”

Nodding her head in understanding, obviously she’d
heard of my amnesia as well, she smiled at me.  “My
name be Swannie O’Teale.”

Though it did little to improve her face the smile was
warm and I took it for all she’d meant.  “O’Teale… are
you Mountie’s Ma?”

“Yes’m, Mountie be my middle young’un, rite smack
in’tween all th’others.”

“How many children do you have?”

“Wal now, countin’ my half wit Wilmer I gotz me seven
littl’n’s.”

“Indeed,” Neil broke in.  “Which is why we’re here. 
I’ve come to check on little Mary, how’s her arm
doing?”

While Swannie told Neil of Mary’s arm we went into
their cabin and I saw that their table was on it’s
side, one of the legs had been broken and the table
was useless until it was fixed.  It was the only table
in the room.  While Neil sat down next to a little
girl, no older than three or four I guessed I spoke to
Swannie.

“If you’d like I could fix this table for you, it
won’t take much at all.”

“No ma’am, thank ya though.  I cain’t be beholdin ta
no-one.”

“Oh but you wouldn’t be,” I quickly replied. 
Searching my brain for a reason I saw that Neil had
stopped his examination of little Mary to watch.  Of
course!  “You see I was thinking maybe you could trade
me.”

“Wal I don’ got much.”

“But Swannie you have the one thing I don’t.  You have
the memories of the children.  I don’t remember them
and I want to so very much!  I’d give anything to
remember them.  If you’d tell me about them it’s I who
would be beholding to you.”

Behind Swannie’s shoulder I saw Neil smile and nod. 
He knew full well what I was doing.  I only hoped that
Swannie would accept it.

“Wal now, I guess that’d be a’right.”

Working together we moved the table outdoors and while
Swannie sat on a nearby stump telling me about her
children I repaired the leg of the table, thanking
Mason for all his lessons in general repair and upkeep
the whole while.  By the time I was finished with the
table I also knew much more about the O’Teale family. 
Once Neil helped me to get the table back into the
cabin and I hugged Swannie goodbye, the adults craving
the affection as much as the children, we were off to
the next cabin.

“Neil,” I asked once we were far enough away from the
O’Teale’s.  “Is this common in the cove?  This fear of
being beholding to someone?”

Neil sighed.  “Yes, to their detriment I’m afraid. 
The people here are stubborn Scotch-Irish who are set
in their ways and can’t see any other way of life.  No
matter how much they are hurting they won’t ask for
help.”

“They’re too proud.”

“Aye.”

We came to the next cabin in practically no time at
all but it was the cabin after that one that proved to
need our help the most.  Calling out a hello Neil and
I walked our horses up to the cabin and a young’un
came out to greet us, his little face drawn with
worry.

“Doc!  Doc!  Pa needs you!”

Racing into the cabin with Neil I saw a woman kneeling
on a bed next to a man who was bleeding profusely from
his chest.

“What happened Fairlight?”

“Jeb waz workin’ in th’barn when he lost his balance
and tripped.  He felled ‘gainst a nail that waz
a’pokin’ outter a wall.  Neil ya gotz ta holp ‘im!”

“Move aside,” he said Neil’s voice was gentle yet
firm.  “Christy, boil me some water for the
instruments and scrub down the table, Fairlight, I
need clean rags, as many as you’ve got.”

Both of us jumped to do as we had been told.  As I
settled a pot over the stove to boil I heard the
little boy ask, “Wat c’n I do doc?”

Neil looked down at the little one with serious eyes. 
“I need you to stand guard at the door Little Guy. 
You make sure nobody comes in here, not even your kin,
you hear me?”

The little boy nodded and took up a position at the
door; his face set with determination that no one
would enter his home until Doc said it was okay.  All
the while Neil worked over the man in the bed, doing
what he could do stop the bleeding I stood by his
wife’s side, my arm linked through hers and suddenly I
realized that it was the most natural feeling to stand
here with her.  This woman, Fairlight Neil had called
her, was a woman I didn’t know and yet… I did.

The water boiled I put the metal instruments into it
for a few moment to sterilize them before taking them
out and putting the on a clean rag, lined up in a row
for him to take as he needed.  The little knives laid
out in order, largest to smallest, and all the others
I didn’t even know how to describe were all laid out
in a precise order that, once it was done, I had no
idea why I’d done it like that.

Neil turned from his patient’s side, after he and
Fairlight had moved the large man to the table that I
had scrubbed, to reach for one of the instruments and
his hand paused over the selection, his eyes taking in
the neat rows before glancing up at me.  For a moment
I wondered if I had done something wrong, were they
not sterile enough?  But when I saw his eyes I knew it
was nothing more than surprise.  Even as he turned
back to his patient I stored up a question in my mind
to ask him later.

Fairlight moved over to a chair by the bed and rocked
slightly back and forth.  She was worried for her
husband I realized.  Going to sit next to her I put my
arm around her shoulders and squeezed.  Neither of us
said anything, we didn’t need to; being there for each
other was all that was needed.  Before too long Neil
had finished his work, the bleeding stopped, the wound
cleansed and sutured.  Bandaging the mans chest he
moved over toward us, kneeling in front of Fairlight.

“Jeb’s going to be okay, Fairlight.  The nail hit an
artery, which is why it was bleeding so much.  I’ve
sewn it shut and he’ll be fine.  You need to make sure
he doesn’t move and stays in bed until I say other
wise.  I’ll need to watch for infection but Jeb will
be up and around in no time if he does as I say.”

We stayed with them until Jeb woke and Neil repeated
all of his warnings to the man.  By the time we’d left
it was beginning to get dark out and Neil headed us
back toward the mission house.  I was trying to think
of a way to phrase my question when he beat me to it. 


“Christy, how did you know about the instruments? 
What made you set them up the way you did?”

“I don’t know.”  I could feel my frustration building.
 How many times had I said those words for one reason
or another?  When would I know?  “It just seemed the
right way.”

“It was.”  Neil was silent for a moment before he
stopped his horse and tuned to face me.  In the bright
moonlight I could clearly see him as he faced me. 
“Your memories are up there,” pointing to my head. 
“Give them time, Lass, you’ll find them eventually.”

“When!” I cried suddenly.  Frustrated I got off Prince
and walked a few feet away; his reigns still in my
hands.  “I’ve had no recollection of anything for a
year and a half now!  When am I going to remember? 
How am I supposed to get on with my life if I can’t
remember any of it?”

Though my back was to him I heard Neil get down from
his horse and approach me.  I felt a light hand on my
shoulder turning me around to face him.

“You are remembering.  I saw you in the Spencer cabin
today.  You may not remember every time the two of you
have spent together but I saw how you looked at
Fairlight; you do remember her a little bit, don’t
you?”  I nodded; I had to, it was the truth.  “Those
memories are beginning to come out, Christy.  You’ve
got them locked up for now but little by little they
are beginning to break free.”

“I don’t like not knowing.  It scares me.”

“I know, Lass, I know.  Give yourself some time. 
Don’t push yourself too hard or you’ll go mad.”


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


By the time we made it back to the mission Miss Alice
was a little worried but not too bad.  Dinner had been
held back, waiting until we were all there to sit down
and eat.  Sitting next to Thomas and across from Miss
Alice I could feel the preacher itching to ask a
question.

“I’m sorry if this seems rude, but I simply have to
ask.  Why is it that you wear two different earbobs?”

I couldn’t help but smile.  “It must seem very odd.” 
All of them smiled and nodded at my obvious statement.
 “You see, every woman in the family wears their
earbobs like this.  Each one has a hoop and a ball
that corresponds with their sister.  Two halves make a
whole.  There are two sets of earbobs; one that is
hoops and the other that is balls.  When we wear one
of each set it’s a reminder that our sister wears the
other half.  Its one way to help remind us that we’re
never alone in this world, because somewhere out there
is a woman who is the other half of your life.”

“An outward symbol of thy bond of friendship,” Miss
Alice said.

“Yes.”

Thomas nodded, his question answered and he proceeded
to as Neil how his rounds had gone.  I waited,
listening to Neil tell them of Jeb’s injury, while
Ruby Mae brought out the meal.

“Possum Surprise!” she cried as she emerged carrying a
plate of steaming meat.  “I made it ezpeshally fer Miz
Christy.”

Setting the plate down on the table Ruby Mae took up a
knife and cut into the meat, putting a generous
portion on my plate and set the plate before me. 
Looking down I prayed that I would make it through
this meal.

“This looks very… creative Ruby Mae, you must have
worked awfully hard on it.”

“Oh Yes’m!  This here be a bran’new rec’pe, jes fer
ya.”

Looking up at her I smiled brightly, as much as I
could force it at any rate.  The meat looked
disgusting when I looked back down at it, even worse
than the first time.  Picking up my fork I lifted a
small piece from the plate and stopped still, staring
at the plate.

“Is it… umm… is it supposed to be… moving?”

“Moving!?” Alice cried with alarm as she looked down
at her own plate.  “Ruby Mae what did thee put in
here?”

“Oh dear, them spiders must not be ded yit.”

“Spiders?”  Oh dear Lord.  Pushing the plate slightly
away I could see the tears that were beginning to
shine with tears.  I felt awful!  “Ruby Mae you’ve put
so much time and effort into this meal.  I don’t know
how to thank you for making me feel so welcome here. 
Why don’t I share one of my secret recipes with you
and then you can help me make it for everyone else?”

The tears dried almost instantly.  “Shorly?”

“Surely, come on, I’ll show you what we need.”

Getting up from the table I moved with Ruby Mae back
into the kitchen and in no time we had a meal ready,
one of the things Ninnette and Emma had taught me to
make during my time in their kitchen.  Seated at the
table once more I watched as they took a few bites of
the meal, each one expressing their delight at its
flavor.

“And it’s not even burnt,” Neil added, his tone
teasing.

Trying to spear a run away pea I answered him
absentmindedly.  “Honestly, Neil.  I burn one chicken
and you’ve branded me for life!”

Still trying to spear the pea I noticed the sudden
silence and looked up to see Neil and Alice both
staring at me.  Thinking back over what I just said,
wondering if I’d said something wrong or stupid, it
hit me.

“I burned a chicken!”  Neil grinned at me.  “What was
I doing in your kitchen?  I remember being there but I
don’t know why.  I just remember there was a lot of
smoke and you came rushing in.  What was happening? 
Why was I there?  Was I really that bad of a cook? 
Why am I remembering this?  How can I remember burning
a chicken but I can’t even remember my family or my
own name?  What …”

“Lass stop!” Neil yelled over my burst of questions,
each one more upsetting than the last.  Closing my
mouth I looked across the table at him and waited. 
“You had come to my cabin to discuss something with me
and while you were there you made some supper.  It
wasn’t that bad, we still ate it.”

“You ate it,” I reminded him.  “I wouldn’t touch it.”

For a moment we stared at each other, the both of us
in shock that I had remembered such a vivid detail. 
It was I who laughed first, Neil joining right in, the
rest a few moments later.  Sitting back in my chair,
wiping the tears from my eyes I realized how much I
needed that, something to lift the mood I’d been in
since that afternoon.  

I could finally see the light at the end of a very,
very long tunnel.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Memories of the Heart – Chapter Ten



Sitting on the porch of the mission house, a lazy
Sunday afternoon stretching out before me, I doodled
in a sketchpad that Miss Alice had given to me along
with several pencils to use.  My mind kept drifting
back over the last month, all the work I had been
doing in the school teaching by Miss Alice’s side, and
the progress I’d made with the children.  Most of my
memories had yet to return but a few would trickle
through every now and then.

I remembered sewing the buttons on Mounties coat, and
assisting Neil in an operation on Little Burl.  But
mostly they were images, like a waking dream, very
hazy and disorganized.  Feelings more then actual
facts.  It was frustrating but I knew better than to
let it get to me, which only caused stress that I
didn’t need in my life.  

Sitting in a rocking chair I absently began to hum the
song that Jira had loved so much.  Rocking back and
forth, staring at my sketchpad but not really seeing
it I was amazed when I suddenly realized I’d drawn a
picture of a man.  He was older; with kind eyes that
were surrounded by laugh lines.  His beard was grayed
as was his hair but I knew he was very important to
me.

Who was he?

Getting up I went inside to ask Miss Alice but she
wasn’t there.  Finding Thomas inside relaxing with his
book I showed him the picture but he didn’t recognize
the man either.  Deciding I’d have to wait until Miss
Alice returned I told him I’d be going for a walk. 
Warning me to be careful Thomas smiled and said to
have fun.

I didn’t know where to go so I just began to walk. 
When I came to the river I followed it, lost in my own
thoughts until, quite suddenly, I found myself face to
face with Neil, a fishing pole held in his hands that
was cast in the river to wait for a bite.

“Well hello, Lass.  What brings you this way?” he
asked me with a smile.

“I’m not sure,” sitting down on a nearby rock.  “I
just started following the river and this is where it
led me.”

Closing his eyes for a moment Neil suddenly faced the
river, concentrating on his fishing line.  Silence
fell and it seemed wrong to interrupt it so I decided
to use the opportunity to sketch my friend.  Trying to
capture the essence of his stance I looked up and was
surprised to find that he was watching me, his eyes
intense as he did so.  I felt as though he were seeing
me but at another time, had this happened before?

“Let me see,” he said suddenly, setting his pole down
and coming over.  His voice was a little thicker than
before, I hoped he wasn’t getting sick, the last thing
this cove needed was a sick doctor.  Taking the
sketchpad from my hands he smiled.  “Very nicely done,
Lass.  You keep getting better at this.”

I shrugged.

“All things improve with time.”

“That they do.”

Suddenly I saw his pole move and I realized that he’d
caught something.  Jumping up I reached for it before
it was dragged into the river.  Holding the pole I
could tell I was loosing the battle when suddenly his
arms encircled me, placing his hands over mine to
control the fishing line.

“Just take it nice and easy, Lass.  We don’t want to
hurry the little one; he’ll get here soon enough. 
Always remember, it’s the dance that matters, not the
frying pan.”

The dance.  For a reason I could only guess at those
words made my heart hurt, as though I associated them
with something sad.  Yet standing by the river, Neil’s
strong arms around me as we both held the pole, it
felt right.  As though this was where I belonged. 
Leaning back for just a moment I allowed myself to
enjoy the feelings that coursed over me.  The warmth
of his arms around me, the beating of his heart that I
could feel in my back, a sense of safety that was
unlike any I’d ever experienced before.

Yet in the next instant my heart turned cold and I
felt as though somehow, in enjoying the feeling of
being in Neil’s arms, I had cheated on the man from my
dreams.  The man who loved me, and who had helped me
to get through everything this last year and a half. 
Stiffening my back I was grateful when he released me,
I stepped away to sit on the rock once more, staring
out at the river and at the fish that would now be
Neil’s meal.

“You do realize that you’re going to have to share
this with me,” he teased, though his eyes held no
laughter in them, his jovial mood forced.  “I cannot
eat it alone when you were the one who helped me to
capture him.”

And so I ended up sitting at a table several hours
later, a plate of fish and vegetables before that
tasted absolutely heavenly.  Glancing across the table
at him I saw Neil putting forth the effort to eat, he
had done so every time he knew I was looking at him,
but the times he didn’t know all he did was pick at
his plate, pushing the food around in circles.  I
wondered…

“Has this happened before?”

“Has what happened before?”

“Me, coming down the river to find you fishing,
sharing a meal with you afterwards.”

Neil looked at me for a moment.  “Does this seem
familiar to you?”  I nodded.  Sighing he sat back and
folded his arms.  “Aye, it has.  Many times actually. 
You would go for a walk when something was bothering
you.  When you found me out by the river fishing you
would stop and we would talk.  Whatever the problem
was it always seemed to be fixed before you left.”

“Was there something troubling you, Lass?”

Hesitating I nodded and got up to get my sketchbook
from the porch of his cabin.  Returning to the table I
opened it up to the picture of the man I’d drawn
earlier.  “Who is he?”

Neil took the sketchbook from my hands and stared at
the picture.  “You drew this?”  Again I nodded,
waiting for him to answer me.  “This is your father,
William Huddleston.”

“My father?”

He nodded and studied the picture some more, his eyes
becoming distant as though he was remembering
something.  “William is a lawyer, he lives in
Asheville with your mother and your brother.”

“Has he ever been here?  To Cutter Gap I mean.”

“Yes, he was here once.”

Neil was holding something back, I could tell from the
look in his eyes that there was something that he
didn’t want to say.  “What?  What aren’t you saying?”

“Lass, while he was here your father had a stroke, it
almost killed him.  He’s okay now though.  He’s doing
just fine thanks to you and your mother working with
him in his rehabilitation.”

“Do they…?”  I couldn’t bring myself to say it. 
Taking a deep breath I forced