REMOTELY CONTROLLED: A DAY OF CUTTER GAP TV (COUCH POTATO enters stage wearing bathrobe muzzy slippers and a Agood morning@ hairdo. Sits in chair, picks up remote and clicks on the TV.) CHRISTYFICATION INFOMERCIAL (On video) Guy with a stethoscope and lab coat speaks. Don't touch that dial. I have some important information that may be vital to your health or that of a loved one. A serious condition has been sweeping the country with epidemic proportions. The disease is know as Christyfication. Individuals who have been Christyfied exhibit the following symptoms: -watching Christy series reruns for hours on end -spending additional hours chatting and e-mailing other individuals affected by the disease and spreading it to unsuspecting victims through Christy-related web pages on the internet -incorporating lines from the Christy tv series into their everyday conversation -becoming overly excited upon seeing a name like Rob Allen in the local phone book -speaking the Cove dialect and using words like everwho and that-thar -renaming spinster great aunt's home as Miss Alice's cabin -wandering through the woods at the state park calling for Fairlight -muttering "that man looks JUST like Neil MacNeill!" then fainting on the floor at the grocery store -losing the ability to have a coherent conversation about any non-Christy related topic. If you,or someone you love shows signs of one or all of these symptoms, please contact us immediately. There is hope. Doctors and researchers have been working frantically to find a cure. Alas, to date we have no cure, but there is one form of treatment. It's risky, however. The patient may exit the treatment session completely cured... OR she may christyfy even further, descending into an almost comatose state with convulsions, thus requiring restraints for several days until the fits pass. The treatment, known as ChristyFest, is an annual visit to our headquarters in Townsend, TN. During the treatment, the patient is submerged in Q&A sessions, meet the cast meetings, outtakes, and a host of other events. Anyone attending the treatment who has not been diagnosed with Christyfication may catch the disease as it is extremely contagious. The treatment is only offered once a year at this time. This year's treatment will be July 27th - 30th. If you or someone you love has been infected, please write us today and reserve your space at the treatment facility, also known as the Talley-Ho Inn. Don't waste another moment. You may reach us at: The MacNeill Institute 879 Winding River Road Townsend, TN 37501 GOOD MORNING, CUTTER GAP! Anchors: Jeb Spencer and Christy JEB: Good mornin', Cutter Gap! This here's Jeb Spencer . . . (there's a pause as he waits for Christy to identify herself. Christy doesn't respond and is gazing off into space, daydreaming). JEB: (louder) Like I said, this here's JEB SPENCER . . . (gives Christy a nudge) CHRISTY: (dreamily) And I'm Christy MacNeill . . uh . . . I mean Huddleston! (flustered) Uh, we've got a wonderful show lined up for you today so . . . uh . . . get those cows plucked and chickens milked . . .uh . . . I mean, cows milked and chicken plucked because you won't want to miss a minute of it. JEB: (shaking his head) Chickens milked and cows plucked! You city folk sure are a strange bunch! A body could get mighty thirsty, waitin= for a drink of milk to come from a chicken. Anyhow, Ben Pentland will be here shortly to tell us what the weather's gonna be like today. (looks out the window) Sure does look a storm might be comin' up, don=t it, Miss Huddleston? CHRISTY: (nodding, dreamily). I hope so. I adore thunderstorms. One of the most memorable times that I spent with Dr. MacNeill . . . uh . . . I mean with the children . . .took place when it was raining . . . (sighs deeply). JEB: (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience). Don't pay her no mind. I reckon' it's jest that time of year, when the bird's an the bees an folks alike start actin' all funny like . . . Uh, speakin' of bees, I got me a real good batch of honey this year if'n anyone's interested. You just talk to my partner, Tom an he'll fix you right up with as many jars as you can carry. I'll tell you what, there ain't nothin' better than honey 'an biscuits in the mornin=. An= there ain't nobody who makes a better biscuit than my Fairlight. That woman, she's a treasure, that's for sure! CHRISTY: Speaking of treasures, Cutter Gap's very own Ruby Mae Morrison is up shortly with all the latest gossip . . . er . . . news that's happening around the cove. Ruby Mae, as you may (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) or may wish you didn't know . . .is famous for her possum surprise. It's quite unlike anything I've ever tasted before. I can't quite find the words to describe this . . . uh . . .delicacy. It's very . . . uh . . . unusual, isn't it, Jeb? JEB: (making a face) Yeah, hit's a wonder as Ben would say. Can't recall ever tastin' anything like it before . . . (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) an' livin' to tell about it! CHRISTY: Ruby Mae, with the help of Rob Allen, is compiling a book of her favorite possum recipes. The name of the book is tentatively titled, "The Possum Parts Cookbook; 225 Fast, Easy and Delicious Recipes for Every Part of The Possum. A Rob Allen has contacted a publisher in New York and I hear they are very interested in seeing the completed manuscript! Isn=t that exciting, Jeb? JEB: (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) Like I said , them city folk are a strange bunch. They probably think you can get milk from a possum, too! (At this point, a rather scantily dressed young woman comes onto the stage. She is wearing lipstick and rouge. She leans very close to Jeb and hands him a piece of paper. After rubbing her hand affectionately along the side of his face, she sashays off the stage. Jeb reads the note and smiles) JEB: Folks, I have a very important announcement that I'd like to pass along to you. The ladies down at the tea house in El Pano are puttin' on a special show this Saturday, to raise money to buy a new set 'a tea cups. The old set . . . er . . . accidentally got broke and well, they can't rightly serve tea in tin cups. Got an image to keep up. (winks) if you know what I mean. So, men, if'n you can spare the time (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) and if >n you can't, go down to the teahouse this Saturday and donate a few cents for a good cause. I know that I'm gonna do my part an=. . . (a teacup comes flying on stage and hits him in the head). JEB: (rubbing his head) What the heck . . . (Fairlight comes marching on stage) FAIRLIGHT: (angrily): Jeb Spencer, don't you even think about settin' one foot in that teahouse. If I catch you within ten miles of that place, you're gonna be sleepin' in the barn for the next month of Sundays. JEB: Aw, Fairlight, hit=s for a good cause. . . FAIRLIGHT: Good cause, my foot! If you want to donate your time to a good cause, I=m needin= a new batch of lye soap. And after you finish makin= the soap, I got a pile of clothes that need washin=, a floor that needs scrubbin=, and a garden that needs hoein.= JEB: That there=s women=s work. It wouldn=t be fittin= for a man to be seen washin= clothes or scrubbin= a floor. FAIRLIGHT: Ain=t FITTIN!! I=ll tell you what ain=t FITTIN=, Jeb Spencer. ! It ain=t FITTIN= for a good Christian man to be drinkin= tea that ain=t really tea and watchin= half-naked women prance around in their bloomers. JEB: (smiling) Well, they are right purdy bloomers. . . (Fairlight grabs one of his ears and drags him from his chair.) JEB: Ow! Whadda I say? Whadda I say? FAIRLIGHT: (leading him by the ear off the stage) Just wait >til I get you home, Jeb Spencer. You=re gonna wish you never heard the word bloomers after you wash about a dozen pair of them! JEB: This is embarrassin=, woman. All of Cutter Gap is a watchin= . . . (They exit. Jeb gets away from Fairlight later on, to finish the show) CHRISTY: Uh, I think now would be a good time now for something a little less STORMY, like Ben Pentland=s Weather. Take it away, Ben . . . GMCG Ben Pentland Weather by Angela: (voice of announcer heard while Ben takes stage) Today's weather segment is brought to you by Swannie O'Teale's Homemade Preserves. Try our new persimmon jam - all the rich folks in Knoxville seem to enjoy it. And remember, with a name like Swannie, it's got to be...well, never mind. BEN: Hellloooooooooooo! I'd like to start off today's weather segment by wishin' a happy birthday to Granny Barclay. What a beauty! Says she likes tellin' stories and wearin' bonnets. Happy birthday, Granny. Well, anyways...we're gonna have a big change in the weather, so's I best get right to it. After all, (Ben places hand over his heart for this pledge) neither rain, nor snow, nor heat, nor gloom of night will stay this courier from the swift completion of reportin' the weather. Here's what's happening in your neck of the woods. First off, all signs point to the fact it's gonna rain here real quick like. My bad knee's started botherin' me, and this morning, the cream in my coffee was collectin' at the top edges of the cup. Not only that, but every critter I seen today is trying to tell me that the rain's on its way. Today when I was deliverin' the mail up in the Cove, I saw the pigs creepin' out from under the schoolhouse with the curls in their tails all straightened out. Funniest thing a body ever did see! But I didn't see no fish swimming to the surface of the river or dogs or cats carryin' their young'uns to high ground, so's I'm not expectin' any big storm to hit. But the hens over to the mission did have their tail feathers all ruffled...(laughs sardonically and removes his hat). But then, it don't take too much for hens to get ruffled up about something. No, ma'am...I've plum given up on tryin' to figure out womenfolk, and I've tried a little bit of everything...poetry, beef jerky, even canned peaches. (Ben shakes his head, obviously befuddled). So, I 'spect it'd be best if you all took cover today 'til the storm passes. While you're stuck indoors, you might want to watch a movie. My recommendation is "You've Got Mail," starring our very own Ida Grantland and her new husband, Clarence Sweetwater. I've even got a small role in this myself. (Ben beams with pride). It's all about how they met and fell in love through the United States Mail (he pronounces this as he always did in the episodes - 'Yooo-nited States Mayul' - only without shouting it). Hmmmm...now there's an idea. Mought just have ta take out one of them ads in the newspaper fer myself... Well, folks that's 'bout all I know fer right now. That is, unless you want to know what I heard about the O'Connell sisters over in El Pano... (Ruby Mae rushes on the stage) RUBY MAE: Hey, Mr. Pentland, I=m in charge of gossip >round here. Don=t you be stealin= all my thunder! BEN: You think you=re the only one with an ear for news? You got another think comin=, gal! RUBY MAE: I am the gossip expert! BEN: Are not. RUBY MAE: Am too! BEN: Are not. RUBY MAE: Am too! (Etc.) CHRISTY: (To the audience): They=re just competing for the next anchor job. (loudly, interrupting Ruby Mae=s argument with Ben Pentland): Up next is a girl who needs no introduction . . . uh . . . literally. With all the news you need to know to start your day . . . and THEN some, here=s Ruby Mae Morrison . . . GMCG: Ruby Mae=s Gossip Corner by Char: Ruby Mae (primps as she realizes she=s on camera): Howdy, ya=ll. I=m Ruby Mae Morrison and this here is ARuby Mae=s Gossip Corner.@ Like always, I=m here to bring ya all the latest in Cove news and gossip, although I=ll just call it Anews@ `cause Miss Alice don=t like it when I go tellin= things I done overheard. [leans closer to camera or audience as she shares the following tidbits] Miss Christy has been taking late night walks lately. She claims that it=s because the moon=s so full that she cain=t sleep, but I have a feelin= that it=s for another reason [snickers]. Sam Houston=s dog, Singer Lee II, has disappeared again. No one=s seen ole Singer Lee for nigh on to a week now, but I hear tell that he=s got himself a gal over in El Pano. And they thought he wasn=t gonna be like his paY Fairlight said she had been havin= some visions about outlanders, women actually, hangin= out down by the river, near Doc=s cabin, just crouchin= in the bushes. No one knows what on earth she=s talkin= `bout but just in case, Doc says he=s postponin= his Easter bath a couple of days. Can=t be too careful ya know what with Miss Christy nearly burnin= down the house that timeY Wall, that=s all from the Grapevine, but ya=ll know me, I=m not one ta wait till I hear things afore I go tellin= other people, so here=s some [winks] Anews@ I found out fer ya on my own! I was ta thinkin= the other day, that if that skinny gal Ally McBealY [leans forward toward audience] Shouldn=t somebody feed that poor thing? [shakes her head in dismay] Like I was sayin=, if Ally McBeal married Nathan O'Teale, she=d be known as Ally McBeal O'Teale. And if she divorced Nathan--he=s a mean ole cuss anyway--and married Doc, she=d be Ally McBeal O=Teale MacNeill. I hear tell that some in the Cove are tryin= out this new fangled invention called the Internet. They be sendin= letters to other folk way cross the country and don=t even need to get Mr. Pentland to come by and pick >em up. Now, Mr. Pentland=s set against it, but a couple of folk asked me ta pass along their e-mail addresses ta ya jest in case ye wanted to try it out for yourself. You can reach Bird=s Eye Taylor at his home address: We'll_be_waitin' @the_missionhouse.com Or at work at: 99_bottles_of_beer @ on_the_wall.com Bob Allen's new e-mail address is: quit_jiggling_that_baby_before_his_head_pops_off @ the_sawmill.com You can reach Miss Margaret at: she=s_gonna_marry_the_preacher @ little_brown_church . wildwood Miss Ida, you can reach Clarence Sweetwater at: Ida_sweet_as_apple_cider @ anaheim.com Then there=s Little Burl Allen at: come_to_swap_howdies@the_schoolhouse.com You can contact Miss Alice at: Miss_Alice @ Quaker_silence.org If you can=t reach her there, try: opportunity_with_thee @ yahoo.com Miss Christy used ta be at: Miss_Christy @ hush_you_pigs.edu, but she=s now at: I_came_to_Cutter_Gap_to_teach @ here_to_learn.edu Oh, by the way, Miss Christy, Doc said he=s got a new address just for you, it=s: Doc @ because_it_wasn=t_me.com And of course you can reach me, Ruby Mae Morrison, at: Ruby_Mae @ possum_surprise (Ruby Mae pauses as Jeb Spencer appears on stage. As he makes his way across the stage to the anchor desk, he continuously glances over his shoulder as if checking to see if someone is following him. He is wearing a white ruffled apron and red kerchief) Ruby Mae: (snickering): I got one more email address for ye before I leave. You can reach Jeb Spencer at: bloomer_washer @ henpecked.com (Jeb now realizes that he is still wearing an apron and kerchief and quickly removes the items and shoves them under the desk) Christy: (grinning) Speaking of bloomers, up next is Miss Sissel Jorgansen, Cutter Gap=s fashion consultant extraodinaire. In today=s fashion segment, Sissel plans to give Swannie O=Teale a complete makeover. Should be quite a . . . uh . . . challenge even for someone with Miss Sissel=s qualifications, right Jeb? Jeb: (holds his nose and leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) I sure do hope that makeover includes a bath, too! GMCG Miss Sissell=s Fashion Segment by Regina: (Sissel appears onscreen, wearing a long dress, the usual perfect makeup, and a rather large parasol. (We could just use an umbrella of course.) Instead of sitting down when the camera first shows her, she walks slowly across the stage, coyly smiling at the audience, stopping to smile and bat her eyelashes, etc. When she reaches her chair, she folds the parasol and sits down demurely.) SISSEL: Good morning, everyone. My name is Sissel, but, of course, you already know that, don't you? I host the fashion segment on "Good Morning Cutter Gap". We have such a wonderful show for you today, complete with a very special......umm...well, (here she smiles sweetly) a guest-Mrs. Swannie O'Teale. We'll also be talking about other fashion emergencies that have arisen lately in Cutter Gap-where every day (here she deeply sighs) is a fashion emergency. More than one girl from Cutter Gap has been looking for a cure for freckles. You know, ladies, that freckles are just one step away from liver spots and we cannot have that! Ruby Mae Morrison may have mentioned that she has tried the cure that I suggested to her-rubbing lemon's on ones face. I just want to caution you, umm ladies, that other things will not work to remove unwanted blemishes. So, please-leave the persimmons and apples on the trees. Mary Allen, rubbing the sap from the tree behind your cabin is just not the same, and frankly, I think it is turning your skin orange. Several new fashions have been spotted around the Cove, though none as nice as my ensemble. (Here Sissel stands to show off her outfit. She describes it all in detail, raving about the ruffles, features, etc. and then sits again). Reverend Grantland has been spotted around the Cove in that gorgeous cable knit sweater. Doesn't he look just divine in that? (David has been lurking off stage, and comes onto the stage just now.) DAVID: Thank you, Sissel for noticing. By the way, have you seen Christy? I have not seen her in about ten minutes..... SISSEL: (sighs and bats her eyes) No, David, I have not seen her. But, you are welcome to sit her with me. I was just getting ready to sing a few bars. (Here, she breaks into "Beautiful Dreamer".-dogs can be heard braying in the background). DAVID: (He interrupts) That's nice, Sissel. But I have to find Christy. She could be with that stubborn Scot..... (he exits). SISSEL: (big sigh) That, dear friends, is the reason for fashion. She smoothes her hair). And, I see that our special guest has arrived now. Straight from her hovel, oh, pardon me, I mean home-Mrs. Swannie O'Teale. (Swannie comes on stage hesitantly. She takes a seat next to Sissel.) SISSEL: Welcome, Mrs. O'Teale. Are you ready for your makeover? There is SO much to do. Have a seat (she pushes Swannie into a chair, quickly puts a covering over her clothes.) We must protect these......umm, clothes. (here Sissel looks at the audience) We can only do one thing at a time, people! SWANNIE: You're gonna make me look prettier right? I wanna look fine and dandy for my Nathan. He has been a'goin' to that thar Teahouse a mite too often lately. SISSEL: Never fear, Mrs. O'Teale. You will be beautiful. (Sissel gets a frazzled look). Oh, where do we begin? Let's start with the hair. (Swannie's hair is a disaster, of course). Let's put it back into a nice bun. SWANNIE: You mean the kind I have when I am a'washin' clothes? SISSEL: No, something more sophisticated. (Sissel arranges Swannie's hair into a bun, that is slightly better than Swannie's usual). There now, you look better already. SWANNIE: (Looks at herself in the mirror) I reckon I look a mite better. Obleeged to ya' (Swannie tries to get up). SISSEL: No, Mrs. O'Teale. You are not done yet. We have to do something about your face. SWANNIE: What'r you reckoning on doin'? SISSEL: You just close your eyes, lean back and I will do the trick. (Swannie does as she is told). (Sissel to audience) One must always highlight one's best features. In my case, there are so many features, I have a hard time deciding which one is my best, but in Swannie's case......oh goodness......let's just pick one-her lips look passable..... (Sissel applies makeup to Swannie, who is leaning back and starting to snore loudly. She wakes Swannie up when her lips are done). SISSEL: There, now, Mrs, O'Teale. You look marvelous. (Hands Swannie a mirror) SWANNIE: You fixed me up like one of them thar Teahouse women with red stain on their lips!! It ain't becomin' to a Christian woman to look like a Jezebel. No, siree. My husband ain't gonna like this. Git it off....git it off........(Here Swannie descends into hysterics-pulling her hair down, wiping her face on her clothes. Sissel, obviously uncomfortable, moves away from her and looks at the camera). SISSEL: Well, I told David that you just cannot do anything with these people. I am Sissel Jorgansen, Fashion Consultant, signing off. Would anyone like to hear a song? (Here she begins to sing once again, until commercial). COMMERCIALS: US Postal Service and Possum Helper JEB: An= now folks, Dr. MacNeill=s gonna tell us all about that nasty ole typoid and how we can keep from gettin= it. Should be real interestin=, right, Miss Huddleston? CHRISTY (dreamily): Yes, Neil is a very interesting person. And SO good looking. . . .(sighs and gazes dreamily at Dr. MacNeill. She is awakened from her reverie by Jeb, who gives her a little jab). CHRISTY: (flustered): Uh, I mean Neil. . . uh. . . Dr. MacNeill . . . is a good DOCTOR. And he handles me so skillfully . . . uh . . .I mean . . . he handles the INSTRUMENTS so skillfully. (sighs) Take me away, Neil . . . uh . . . I mean take IT away . . . (When Neil starts his segment, Christy gets up and walks offstage.) GMCG Dr. Mac=s Medical Segment by Greer Props: cell phone, pager, table, chairs, glass of water, medical book (I can provide), and if possible, antique stethoscope [Neil is introduced by RM/FL/hostess.] N: Good morning. I'm Doctor Neil MacNeill, physician of the Cove, with the Cutter Gap medical report. Today's topic is typhoid fever. I=m sure you=ve all heard of typhoid fever. It is a truly wicked disease. Most often it starts out like influenza. You feel tired, weak, have headaches. But you think nothing of it, especially not in Cutter Gap where we strong, independent types never complain about illness. Not long after though, the fever sets in and you are forced to take to your bed. For over a week, the fever rises until you canna stand to stay under the bedsheets. You=re unable to drink and your lips become dry and cracked. Your spleen enlarges causing constant pain in your stomach. [N becomes more intense] [RM grimaces or makes faces] The fever makes you delirious and can cause wild hallucinations, such as dreaming about being scooped up by your loved one on horseback and riding with him through the meadowC [Interruption: N's beeper goes off. He checks the message.] RM: What is it, Doc? N: Hmm, a difficult delivery in Raven Gap. [He pushes some buttons on the pager.] I'll just forward this message to Alice Henderson. Now, as I was saying, the patient is quite delirious and often has wild dreams. We=ll use the poultices to bring down the fever, of course, but all in all there=s not much even I can do. The fever continues to climb and the patient hovers near death. [Another interruption: N's cell pager goes off again. He's a little less patient this time as he reads the message.] N: What! Those two boys shot each other again! I've taken enough buck shot out of their hides to build Old Buncombe over again. They'll have to wait until I'm done here. [Takes a deep breath] As I was saying, typhoid fever runs its course in about three weeks. Those lucky enough to survive the disease are likely to see their hair fall out, their skin -- [N=s cell phone rings. He rolls his eyes as he pulls it out]. N: [to the audience] Excuse me, again. A physician=s work is never done. [to the phone] Yes Dan, what is it? A broken collarbone, you say? How did that happen? Did you say rugby? What is rugby? Never mind. Tell me about this unusual symptom. No, I=ve had someone turn navy blue from a broken collarbone. Well, you=ll have to handle it. I=m rather busy here. [He pushes some buttons on the phone, and then looks back at the camera.] I=m sorry for the interruption. It's even worse in the evenings. Did you know, I had 174 night calls last year. Now where was I? Oh yes. So what can you do to avoid the scourge of typhoid? First, you must stay away from fan fiction stories B they=ll kill you every time. Seriously, you must wash your hands before you eat and after you use the privy. And, most important, you must boil your river water before drinking it. I know you think that water is pure as a mountain stream. After all, it is a mountain stream. But I=ll tell you, it=s filled with germs, millions of germs. Bacilli they=re called. And each one of them is as anxious to make you ill as fanfic writers are to kill off Margaret. [Another interruption: Neil's cellular phone rings again.] N: Hello. Yes, this is he. ... Hmm, a kangaroo you say? It doesn=t bite, does it? Hmm. I could do that. . . . Out Where? ... Oh .... Yes, that sounds fine. Tell them I'll do it. [As N is hanging up the phone, RM lifts the glass of water and is about to take a drink.] N: Good God, woman, what are you doing! Don't you know someone else drank out of that cup? ! Didn=t I just finish telling you not to drink out of another=s glass? [RM shakes head no] I didn=t? Well, I meant to. Put it down! PUT IT DOWN NOW. [She cautiously, timidly puts the glass down and folds her hands on the table.] N: How many times do I have to tell you about the danger of passing germs by common drinking glasses? Hasn't Miss Huddleston taught you better? [RM starts to slide down in her chair under the table. Neil calms himself.] N: In closing, unless you and your children want to meet an unfortunate demise from typhoid fever B in fanfic or in real life -- you must take care to exercise proper hygiene at all times. [As N finishes, the pager goes off once more. He checks it and quickly stands.] N: I must go. RM: Is it a medical emergency, Doc? A train wreck? Snake bite? Scarlet fever? Somebody got shot? N: No, no. It's Christy, reminding me of our, uh, appointment. RM: You have an appointment with Miz Christy? She ain=t sick, is she? I just done saw her this morning and she looked fit as a fiddle. If I=d known she was sick, I would never--- N: Ruby MaeC RM: My Lord, what am I doing here what with Miz ChristyC N: RM, Miss Huddleston is not ill. We're B ah -- going for a horseback ride at nine o'clock. I really must run. [To the camera.] Tomorrow's medical report topic will be performing delicate brain surgery with hammer and chisel. I'm Doctor Neil MacNeill, for Good Morning Cutter Gap. JEB: Well, that was real interestin', Doc . . . (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) . . . ‘specially the part about the wild dreams! Wouldn't mind havin' one or two of them myself! (Picks up a glass of water that is sitting on his desk and peers into it). You reckon there's any of them Baa silly things floatin' around in here? (Peers at the glass for a minute then puts it aside) Don't see nothin' but you never can tell with them pesky germ critters. They all might be outback playing rugby with one of them there kangaroos! JEB: (glancing around) Well, seein' hows my co-anchor, Miz Huddleston has run off to go horseback ridin', (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) . . . she must have that typhoid ‘cause she sure is actin' delirious. . . I reckon it's up to me to tell y'all that our Wednesday segment, "Writin' Wednesday" with Rob Allen has become so popular, we've asked him to join us every day. He'll be tellin' us all about some of the new stories that he's been workin' on. (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) . . . sure do hope one of em's got women ‘an horses ‘an meadows in it! By popular demand, and without further ado, here's Rob Allen and "Literarily Yours." GMCG Rob Allen=s Literary Review by Char PROPS: 1.Writing book, perhaps like a marble composition book, 2. page to tear out, 3.stool ROB (sheepish): Thank you, Jeb. I'm awful touched that ya'll out there [looks toward camera], enjoy my show. Some of ya know how much I love writin' and it's nice to know that others want to learn how to put things down on paper for others too. [big smile] [sits up straight and clears throat] First off, the writin' tip for the day. Iffen ya wanna be a writer, ya gotta make sure to get paper and pencil. Ya can keep the stories in your head, but to be famous ya gotta put it down on paper. I know that not all of ya like the same kind of stories. Little Burl, well, he likes adventure, `specially stories about the Bonnie Prince Charlie and the Allens. Sam Houston likes stories `bout cowboys and Indians. Ruby Mae, [looks sheepish] well, she likes them mushy romantic stories like Romeo and Juliet that Miss Christy teaches us. So, I thought I'd give ya all a sample of some of the different types of stories I've been workin' on so there is somethin' fer everybody. [big smile] First off, an adventure story. Miz Christy's always tryin' ta get me to write somethin' a little different-so here goes…A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...(his voice fades as he seems lost in the story). It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Kayla races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy.... JEB: What kind of weird story is that? Outer space? Spaceships??? That boy's been into the persimmon wine again… (Rob blushes and continues on quickly) ROB: This here one's called "I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham." Title sounds funny, but I got the idea after Sam Houston said he walked Mountie home while Becky O'Teale was sick.. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam Houston I am I do not like them with a goat, I do not like them with a shoat I do not like them with a mouse, I do not like them with a louse I do not like them here or there, I do not like them anywhere. . . I started this other story a couple of weeks ago, but haven't gotten very far on it, so if ya'd like to hear it [waits for applause-prompted if necessary] It's a story about a time of cavaliers and belles, of magnolias and mint juleps, of gallantry and pageantry. Yet, on the horizon looms the pending specter of war and the threat of a civilization Gone to the Wind. The heroine is Crimson MacTara, a young woman, determined to get the man of her dreams, and willing to do anything it takes, even marry a man she doesn't love, to do so. [RM sighs if she is anywhere near center stage] Her father is Harold MacTara, a Scottish settler to Tennessee, who has managed to make his way into a very exclusive society to become one of the largest farm owners this side of Chattanooga. However, little does she know that she will meet her true love, the man that she was destined to be with. Jett Tutler is an unexpected guest at the dance at Thirteen Oaks, where she had planned to tell Dashley Stilts that she loved him. All along, throughout all of Crimson's trials and tribulations, she is comforted by her dearly beloved Grammy and Sissy, servants that work for her family. [Rob stops, and rubs his chin] Naw, it'll never sell. Guess I'd better start on another one. [tears page out and crumples it up] Better stick to what I know. For my last story, I'll leave you with one of Little Burl's favorites. Bonnie Prince Charlie was brave and true, like you . . . JEB: Well, I reckon that's all of our show fer today. I wanna thank all of our guests for doin' a fine job and my co-host, Miz Huddleston for . . .(glances around the stage) . . . uh . . . I was sorta hopin' she'd be back by now so she could say goodbye to y'all . . . (at that moment Christy returns on stage. Her clothes are a bit disheveled and her hair is loose and looks a bit windswept. She dances across the stage to the anchor desk). JEB: I take it from yer good spirits that the ridin' lesson went okay? CHRISTY: (sighing) Yes, it was divine! What a magnificent creature! So handsome, so strong, so . . . so . . . alive and free . . . JEB: The horse? CHRISTY: (dreamily) No, Dr. MacNeill . . . JEB: Yep, she's got the fever alright . . . (leans closer to the camera, as if speaking privately to the audience) . . . spring fever, that is! I'm Jeb Spencer . . . CHRISTY: And I'm Christy MacHuddleston. Tune in again tomorrow for another exciting edition of Good Morning, Cutter Gap! (JEB & CHRISTY stack up papers and fake chit-chat until the commercials start.) COMMERCIALS: OverYonder Steakhouse and MacNeill=s Fast Food Restaurant TRANSITION ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Taylors and the Allens duke it out on America=s favorite game show, Kinfolk Feud! Let=s just hope things don=t get too ugly. The only doctor in the Cove and our flirtatious hostess aren=t exactly on the best of terms. . . KINFOLK FEUD GAMESHOW by Annie CAST: Host of the show: Margaret MacNeill Feuding families: Taylors vs. Allens Allens (4 on the team): Mary (jiggling a baby doll on her hip (the head might pop off at some point), Rob, Creed, Lynnette (distant cousin) Taylors (3 on the team): B-E, Lundy, Molly (surprise to B-E & Lundy) Zady Spencer as announcer & show assistant. Dr. MacNeill and Christy make a brief appearance partway through the scene. THE SKIT: [Family Feud music playing. Zady is at the side of the stage, where the KF title board is visible. Zady: Howdy, folks. I'm supposed to welcome y'all to the Kinfolk Feud Show. Now this's just a game show -- there's no real feudin' here! No sir, it's all a friendly game, just like them games the Preacher and Doc MacNeill taught us, except there's no runnin' nor throwin' nor catchin' nor hittin'. Otherwise, they're just alike. Anyway, I'd best get on with this here announcement. Please welcome the hostess of Kinfolk Feud.... Miz Margaret MacNeill! [Margaret enters, bows.] Margaret: Thank you, Zoey. Zady: It's Zady, ma'am. Margaret: Yeah, sorry. But let's not waste time with introductions -- the sooner we finish this gig, the sooner I get my check, and the sooner I can be on that train to Atlanta! So!! Let's meet our feuding familes, shall we? [Margaret picks up 3x5 cards.] Margaret: Our first family is... [she reads the card] ...sheesh, are they serious?! [to herself] Well, as long as I get paid... [out loud] ... Please welcome the Taylor family! Bird's-Eye, Lundy.... [she turns the card, looking for more names] [Margaret's voice trails off as only Bird's-Eye and Lundy appear. Margaret looks behind them, expecting more people.] Margaret: You're supposed to have five people on your team. That's this many [Margaret holds up 5 fingers.] You don't have enough. Aren't there more Taylors than this? B-E: I can count, missy. There be more of us, but they can't all show their faces just now, what with the marshals being after them and all... Margaret: [a litle scared] How..... unfortunate. Lundy: And most of `em can't read anyhow. Margaret: Well, literacy does have it's advantages, doesn't it? B-E: Say what? [to Lundy] Did she say something about a litter? Litter of pups? Lundy: No, never mind, Pa. B-E: Besides, the rest of the Taylors wouldn't never give up their guns at the door the way WE had to. Right, son? [Big wink between Lundy & B-E.] Margaret: [definitely scared now] Guns! In that case, your team is fine just the way it is, Mr. Bird's-Head. B-E: That's Bird's-EYE. Margaret: Oops, sorry. Enough of this fascinating drivel. We're here to play Kinfolk Feud. I have to meet Teddy Harland at the El Pano train station at noon, and I'm not going to miss the train this time. I can't believe all the people who wanted me dead! Typhoid! Pneumonia! Tuberculosis! Lung cancer! Threatened by loan sharks! Run over by carriages! Hit by trains! What did I ever do to them! Z: Miss Margaret, you're screaming, ma'am. Margaret: Sorry, Zelda. Let's get this over with, shall we? Where was I? Z: You gotta introduce the Allen clan, ma'am. And my name's Zady. Margaret: Ah, yes. [reads her 3x5 cards ] Let's give a big welcome to our other feuding family -- the Allens: Mary [carrying baby on her hip], Rob, Creed [with raccoon], and Lynnette. Hmm, that's a new one. [The Allens enter.] Margaret: Can't any of you fill up a team? I thought there were hundreds of you crawling all over those wretched mountains. Don't tell me the baby's playing. Or that creature. [Margaret points at Creed and his raccoon.] Creed: Scalawag here is one of God's smartest critters, ma'am. And he be clean. Racoons wash every blessed thing afore they eat it Margaret: That sounds strangely familiar... Rob: But Scalawag don't count as one of our team. Creed, get him outta here now. [Creed reluctantly takes raccoon off stage and returns alone.] Mary: My man, Bob, woulda been here, but he's real busy at the mill, and he don't put no store in these book-learnin' kinda things. This here is Lynnette Allen. She's the daughter of Bob's cousin Al Allen. They live over Lufty Branch way. [Baby's head pops off; Mary replaces it.] Rob: She's real kin. Margaret: Whatever. OK, so we have two teams. Can we PLEASE get this game started? Somebody play that music, will you? [Family Feud music. Voice of Molly from offstage.] Molly: HOLD ON! WAIT FOR ME! [Molly enters, to the astonishment of B-E & Lundy.] B-E: Molly!! Lundy: Ma? Is it really you? Molly: Course it is, do you think I'm a ghost? I never pretended to be dead. [Molly glances at Margaret.] I just couldn't take any more of you two, so I went to stay with my sister in Knoxville. We run a consulting service. B-E: But this here is a real important game. We got to beat them Allens. Molly: That's why you need me. You two are addle-headed and fitified, and haven't got a whole year of schooling between you. You probably won't get any answers right without me. [She takes her place at the end of the table, beside Lundy.] Lundy: I'm real glad to see you, Ma. I missed you something terrible after you run off. [Molly tries to straighten Lundy's messy hair, wipes a smudge of dirt from his cheek.] Margaret: We REALLY have to get this game started, people! B-E: Well, don't get all huffy. The Taylors are ready to play. Margaret: OK, OK, OK. We interviewed 100 residents of Cutter Gap -- I wonder how they had the brain power to understand these questions. When you think about it-- Rob: Miss Margaret, I thought you wanted to hurry this along. Margaret: Right. So, whatever, we asked 100 of you fine upstanding citizens a question, and put the six most frequent answers on the board here. You geniuses are supposed to guess them. Now I'm going to flip a coin to see which family goes first. Got that? Heads, the Allens go first; tails for the Taylors. Get it? Tails, Taylors. [Margaret laughs in a bored way. All feuders nod. Margaret flips the coin, and the Allen's win. Taylors object, but Margaret glares them down] B-E: That coin ain't fair! Margaret: If you don't like the way I flip coins, how would you like to hear my rendition of "The Church in the Wildwood"? B-E: [nervous] Never mind. Just play the dang game. Lundy: [gets the tail-taylor joke a few mins behind everyone else] I get it! Tails, Taylors! HA HA HA! Get it, Pa? Tails, Taylors! Molly: Hush yourself, boy! Margaret: What am I doing in this place? ANYWAY, here's the question. "We surveyed 100 CG residents, and listed the six most common answers to this question: Name a remedy for cold that the Great Doctor MacNeill wouldn't have learned about in medical school. Creed: Come again? Lundy: What's "remedy" mean? Z: It means medicine, a cure for sickness. [Baby's head pops off; Mary replaces it.] Lynnette: So you're asking for a cure we'd get from a granny, maybe? Rob: And not from Doc MacNeill? Margaret: Right. Allens, you get the first shot at this question. [she quickly hold up her hand] I mean, you get the first stab at it. [now both hands are in the air] I MEAN, you get the first try at answering it! [Margaret moves to the Allen table, stands across from Mary.] Margaret: Mary Allen, what's a remedy for cold that Mac wouldn't have learned about in medical school? Mary: Umm, I guess I'd have to say, umm... [she jiggles the baby as she thinks; holds the head in place so it won't pop off] I must've tried out every one there is on my Bob or the family. Margaret: Yes, I'm sure you have. Your answer? Creed: Come on, Ma, say something! Lynnette: Just give her a minute, she'll think of something. There's so many. Mary: OK, I'm gonna say... boiled ginger root. It's got to be drunk piping hot. Creed, Lynnette, Rob: Good answer, good answer! MtTMW: Is that your final answer? Boiled ginger root? Mary: Yep, that's it. Margaret: I guess it could be worse. [turns to the answer board] Show us.... Boiled Ginger Root! [Answer # 5 turns to reveal "GINGER ROOT" as a correct answer, for 11 points. Cheering, high fives from the Allens, grumbling from the Taylors.] Molly: I would've got that one right! [Margaret moves to Rob] Margaret: OK, your family has one right answer so far, Ron. Rob: My name's Rob. ma'am. Margaret: [impatient] Of course it is. Anyway, let's have your guess. Name an cold cure that Bonnie Prince Neil wouldn't prescribe. Rob: I got my answer all ready. fried onion poultice. Creed, Lynnette: Good answer, good answer! Margaret: You mean as a side dish or as a cure? Ha ha, little joke there. [turns to look at the answer board] Show us... Fried Onions! [Answer # 2 turns to reveal "ONION POULTICE" as a correct answer for 21 points. Cheering, high fives from the Allens, grumbling from the Taylors.] Lundy: Dang! [MtTMW moves to Creed.] Margaret: OK, little'un. You know the drill, don't you? Creed: Yes'm. [Baby's head pops off; Mary replaces it.] Margaret: Let's have your answer then. Creed: Well, I remember my Granny told me once to sleep with a bag of hot sand with vinegar under my neck, and that would make me better. Lynnette: Oh no, that's not for a cold, Creed! Rob: Creed, what kind of answer is that? Mary: Take it back, Creed! Hot sand and vinegar's for a back ache, or for arthritis! All Taylors: Good answer! Good answer! [laughing] Margaret: Too late to take it back, so let's see what the survey says. [turns to look at the answer board] Show us... HOT SAND. [Incorrect answer -- the "X" is flashed. Allens are disappointed. Taylors cheer.] Margaret: [moves to Lynnette] There's one strike against the Allens. Now honey, you look like a normal, intelligent person. How did you get mixed up with these hillbillies? Lynnette: They're my kin, ma'am. I'm a hillbilly. He's a hillbilly, she's a hillbilly. We're all hillbillies. Wouldn't you like to be a hillbilly, too? Margaret: No thanks, I don't even like visiting, which is why I want to move this game along. Tell me a cold cure you wouldn't get from Mac. Lynnette: Well, it's getting real hard to guess, but I'll have to say... um, how about pickled tomatoes? Creed: [starts out loud and enthusiastic] Good answer! Good... [Sees that no one else is cheering, and he stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks down at his feet.] Margaret: I don't know, Lime-ette. [turns to the answer board] Show us... PICKLED TOMATOES. [Incorrect answer -- the "X" is flashed. Allens are disappointed. Taylors cheer.] Z: Don't feel bad, Lynnette. It was a good try. My Mama uses that cure sometimes. B-E: That's two wrong answers! We'll get our chance soon. Margaret: [moves back to Mary at the top of the table] OK, Mrs. Allen, it's do-or-die time for your team. You have two wrong answers, and there are still three right answers out there somewhere. Ready to try again? Mary: I reckon so. Let me think. I wish Bob was here now. He'd probably figure it out in a eye-blink. [jiggles the baby some more, thinks a while] I got it! I know! Creed: What, Ma? What is it? Mary: OK, Miz Margaret, I got me an answer. First, you take a sweet potato and bury it out in the yard under a full moon, and leave it there for two days. Then-- [Margaret interrupts] Margaret: Are you talking about a cure for a cold, Mrs. Allen? Mary: Course I am. Just listen, I ain't done yet. Then you dig it up after two days, and slice it up into little bits. Then you put them bits in a cloth bag with ashes and mustard powder and garlic, and you wear the bag around your neck. That'll cure the cold for sure. Creed, Rob, Lynnette: Good answer! Good answer! Margaret: [to the audience] I don't make this stuff up, folks. [turns to the answer board] And the survey says... [Answer # 3 turns to reveal "SWEET POTATO, ASHES, MUSTARD, GARLIC IN A BAG" as a correct answer for 19 points. Cheering, high fives from the Allens, grumbling from the Taylors. Margaret is astounded.] B-E: I would've got that one right, too! Margaret: It's still crunch time. Are you ready? Creed: Come on, Rob, you can do it. Rob: I'm thinking, I'm thinking. Margaret[impatient] We don't have all day, honey. Your answer please! Rob: OK, I remember once Mama made me stuff powdered borax up my nose like a plug. Then when I sneezed it all out, my cold was gone. So I'm gonna say borax. Margaret: You know, Mac is seeming better and better to me all the time. Why did I ever leave that man? [turns to the answer board] Is BORAX up there? Answer # 4 turns to reveal "POWDERED BORAX IN THE NOSE" as a correct answer for 17 points. Cheering, high fives from the Allens, grumbling from the Taylors.] Margaret: I hope I stay healthy! In fact, I'm going to report to that tuberculosis clinic as soon as I get to Atlanta! [she moves on to Creed] [Baby's head pops off. This time, Dr. MacNeill and Christy enter. He picks up the head, places it back on the doll's body. He holds out his hand to Christy. She places a staple gun in his hand. He staples the head in place.] [Allens, Taylors, Margaret, Zady are all shocked.] Mac: Don't worry, folks. These are SURGICAL staples. The baby will be fine. Molly: I bet you never learnt that in medical school, Doc. Margaret: Sure, Mac, just barge in here to save the day again. Oh, thank you ever so much, Doctor MacNeill! Never mind that this is MY show. Could we pleas get on with this? [Dr. MacNeill and Christy leave, arm in arm. Margaret humphs in their direction, and then turns back to the Allens, standing in front of Creed.] Margaret: So, Cream, there are still two strikes against your team. We need a correct answer or else the Taylors get a chance to win. Creed: I know, I know. Say, what did you call me? Margaret: Your answer, please! Creed: Well, how about a dip in the river at midnight, um, in the altogether? Lynnette: Good answer? [she looks at the others, who all shrug -- they don't know] Margaret: Sounds exciting, Creek, but didn't you forget Granny Barclay's bonnet? Let's see what the survey says. Show us [turns to the board] MIDNIGHT SWIM. [Incorrect answer -- the "X" is flashed. Allens are disappointed. Taylors cheer.] Margaret: Sorry, Allens, but that's three wrong answers. That means the Taylors get a chance to steal the prize. Z: But Miz Margaret, stealing's wrong. Margaret: [exaggerated sigh] What did I do to deserve this? I know, Maisy, but it's just a part of the game, it's not really stealing. What's the total of points? Z: 21 plus 19 plus 17 plus 11 is 68, ma'am. Margaret: So there are at least 68 points out there to be won, if the Taylors can get one right answer. [Margaret walks across to the Taylors, but doesn't get too close to B-E.] Margaret: OK, Mr. Bird-Br--[she starts to say "brain", but catches herself] Bird's-Eye, I mean. It's your family's turn. Lundy: Yippee! We're gonna win the prize money! Molly: Don't be too sure of yourself, Lundy, we have to get the right answer first. Margaret: That's right, Molly. What a relief to find a sane person here. [moves to stand near Molly] I don't blame you for leaving these two. Molly: Who wants to live in a dirty cabin, with dead animals hanging from the rafters... Margaret: And live ones scurrying around under the floor, and -- [Bird's-Eye interrupts] B-E: Are you two gonna quit jawing and give us a chance to win this prize or what! Margaret: All right, already! You only have to come up with one right answer to win. Lundy: Ya-hoo! Margaret: But if you guess wrong, the Allens automatically win back the 68 points. Got it? OK, then -- you can talk amongst yourselves and give me your final answer. [Taylors form a circle to discuss in "quiet" voices] B-E: I want to say "moonshine." That'll cure anything at all, including a cold. Molly: But not moonshine alone, you have to mix it with sassafras tea to do any good. B-E: Woman, you'll only spoil good moonshine if you mix it with tea! Lundy: Hey, how about this? I think we should say elderberry wine. Molly: No, Lundy. B-E: [slaps his hat against Lundy] Elderberry wine! Where'd you get a fool sissy idea like that? That's for old ladies. [Margaret is tapping her foot and checking her watch. Creed sneaks out and returns with his raccoon.] Lundy: Then how about dandelion wine? Molly: [gives Lundy an angry stare] You're both way off the track. It's got to be the moonshine tonic with tea. Think about it -- they won't admit to drinking it straight up. [B-E and Lundy nod in agreement.] B-E: OK, then, Molly, we'll go with your answer, but if'n it's wrong... [Taylors return to their spots at the table.] B-E: We got us a answer, missy. Margaret: [sarcastically] Oh, and in record time, too! For the record, then, what's a cure for cold you won't get from the Mighty Doctor Mac? B-E: Here goes: sassafras tea with special moonshine tonic. Margaret: You've obviously been to the Tea House in El Pano! [turns to the answer board] Show us... Moonshine and Sassafras Tea. [Answer # 1 turns to reveal "SASSAFRAS TEA & MOONSHINE TONIC" as a correct answer for 23 points. Cheering, high fives from the Taylors. Allens are crushed.] Margaret: Congratulations to the Taylors. The total is now... Zainy, I can't do numbers in my head. What's the total? Z: It's 91, ma'am. Creed: [annoyed at Margaret] Her name's ZADY, Miss Margaret. Margaret: [ignores Creed; checks her watch] I see that we don't have time for Round Two or for the Lightning Round -- what a shame! That means the Taylors have won. And I can finally get paid. [Taylors cheer, congratulate each other] Mary: Ain't there supposed to be another round? Rob: Yeah, there's two rounds and then a final lightning round. B-E: [looks up in surprise] White lightning? Margaret: Sorry, but there's no time for anything else today. I really have to catch that train to Atlanta. Zady, [speaking the name with exaggerated care] will you bring the envelope with the prize money. Lynnette: What's the last answer? [she points at the answer card (#6) that's still covered] B-E: Yeah, we want to know what's under that one there. [Z hands the envelope to Margaret, then returns to the answer board.] Rob: Can we see it, please, Miz Margaret? Margaret: Suit yourself. [in the "host" voice] And the survey says.... [Answer #6 turns to reveal "LYE SOAP STEAM" for 9 points. The women nod their heads knowingly.] Molly: I've used that one myself sometimes. You breathe in the steam to clear your head. Mary: Me too, but if the lye's too strong, it'll burn off the hairs inside your nose! B-E: How `bout that prize money, now? Lundy: Yeah, we won fair and square! Where's the money. It's ninety-one bucks, Pa. [B-E and L rub their hands in delight and anticipation. As Margaret holds the envelope out, Molly snatches it before either of the others can reach it.] B-E: Hey there, woman! That's my money. Molly: Need I remind you who gave the correct answer? Lundy: But Ma, aren't you going to give us some of that ninety-one dollars? We helped, too, didn't we? B-E: Give it here, Molly! I'll split it up between us. Molly: [opens the envelope, pours out the money into her hand -- it's all in change, coins!] Is there a mistake, Margaret? There's just a few coins here. Margaret: It's ninety-one cents. B-E: CENTS! Molly: Not even a whole dollar! Margaret: Sorry, it's all out of my hands. Talk to the sponsors if you don't like the way the game's run. [Margaret reaches under the table, pulls out her suitcase.] Margaret: I really have to go now. Zoody Mae, please play the theme music for the nice people. [to the audience] Thanks for watching, blah blah blah. It's been lovely. [Theme music plays. Margaret exits, and the others mill around the stage.] TRANSITION ANNOUNCER: Who will Christy Huddleston choose to be her man? Find out next on The Courting Game. COMMERCIALS: Granny Barclay=s Vitamazin= Paste and Bird=s-Eye Frozen Vegetables COURTING GAME GAMESHOW by Lisa3 Hostess: Alice Henderson, Quaker The bachelors: David Grantland, Reverend Neil MacNeill, Doctor Bird=s Eye Taylor, Moonshiner The contestant: Christy Huddleston, Teacher Alice: Ladies and gentlemen, sinners and all God=s children, welcome to The Courting Game. (applause) The first order of business is to introduce our bachelors. Bachelor #1 may sound like he comes from a far off land, but he is one of our own; a doctor, a visionary, please welcome Neil MacNeill. (applause) Bachelor #2 comes from a prominent family in Boston, Massachusetts, is a man of the cloth, and can build a church/schoolhouse single handedly. David Grantland, please take your seat. (applause) Bachelor #3 is also one of our own, in fact, he=s never left this mountain his entire life, a rebel, a man who abides by no law or God, Bird=s Eye Taylor. (weak applause, some boo=s) (Miss Alice looks at the crowd sternly) Hush now. We mustn=t judge our fellow man. (she waits until the audience settles down, smiles, then continues) Now, it is my utmost pleasure to introduce our bachelorette. When she left her city home to be a schoolteacher in a back woods mission, she dreamed of adventure. She wasn=t ready for the real challenges of life in these mountains. She=d have given up, if not for the children. She came to Cutter Gap to teach, but they showed her everyday that she was here to learn. And learn she did. Please join me to warmly welcome Miss Christy Huddleston. (applause) Christy comes out and sits in her chair, smiling and waving, holding her index cards of questions. Alice: Welcome, Miss Huddleston. Christy: Thank you, Miss Alice. I=m so thrilled to be here. Alice: Miss Huddleston, are you ready with your questions for our bachelors? Christy: Yes, I am. (Christy clears her throat, then turns towards the screen.) Bachelor #1, What would you say your greatest physical attributes are? Bachelor #1(Neil): I=m not one to brag, but I guess if I=m forced to, I=d have to say big muscles to play Highland games... and some have commented on my hair. Christy: Bachelor #2, same question. Bachelor #2(David): A pretty, young schoolteacher once told me I had a beautiful smile, but I think that it=s my voice, as I use it every Sunday in front of a captive audience. Christy: Ah, a public speaker. Bachelor #3, same question. Bachelor #3(BE): What is fis-e-cal at-tree-butes? Alice: I think we=d best move to the next question, Miss Huddleston. Christy: Bachelor #1, what is your favorite food? Bachelor #1(Neil): Ah, (remembering back) one time this sweet Lass prepared for me the most overcooked, crispiest, delicious chicken. Even though she did call me a stubborn Scott, I=ll never forget it. Christy: That chicken sounds good.(licks her lips) Bachelor #3, what=s your favorite food? Bachelor #3(BE): I=d hafta say it be a possum from Lonesome Pine Ridge. Yesaree, they be the plumpest, most flavorful morsel a body could hunger fer. Christy: (her eyes light up at that) I=ll have to tell Ruby Mae about that. Her possums of late are so scrawny. Thank you, Bachelor #3. Bachelor #3(BE): >Tis my pleasure, ma=am. Christy: Bachelor #2, recite your favorite poem. Bachelor #2 (David): AShe walks in beauty like the night, Of cloudless climes and starry skies, And all that=s best of dark and bright, Meet in her aspect and her eyes. (Neil scoffs at D=s poem) Christy: Oh, I love Lord Byron! (David looks smug) Bachelor #3, same question. Bachelor #3(BE): AThere once was a girl from El Pano@. (Neil outright laughs here) Alice: That is enough of that, Bachelor #3. This is a family show. (Alice touches the back of her hand to her face, embarrassed.) Bachelor #3 (BE) (looks clueless, then goes on to recite AThe Shooting of Dan Magrew@) A bunch of the boys were whooping it up at the Malamute Saloon. The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune. Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat dangerous Dan Magrew, and watching his luck was his light >O love, the lady that=s known as Lou.@ Christy: (somewhat flustered herself, fans her face) That wasYumYnice. Very nice. For the last question, Bachelor #1, what do you consider your most redeeming quality? Bachelor #1(Neil): I consider my knowledge in medicine my most redeeming quality. After all, I already discovered a treatment for trachoma. And I recall during surgery on a young patient, my hand was light as a feather over the young lad=s heart. My assistant, who has a queasy stomach, was not looking at the wound, but at me. Christy: Very admirable, bachelor #1. That story sounds vaguely familiar. (Christy goes into a daze, then snaps out of it) Bachelor #2? Bachelor #2(David): I=d say it was my tenacity. I don=t give up easily. Not when it comes to getting rid of the fighting and feuding (looking pointedly at BE) in these mountains, nor when it comes to a certain schoolteacher. Christy: Hmmm, I would agree that is a redeeming quality in regards to the fighting and feuding. Bachelor #3? What=s your most redeeming quality? Bachelor #3(BE): Wal, (rubbing his chin) there was once this here fawn. She had a busted up leg and I mended it right nice. So, I guess my most ree-deeming quality would be that I have a knack for mending things. Christy: Aw, that=s so sweet. What happened to the fawn? Bachelor #3(BE): Kept it as a pet for a bit, then she growed up and run off. Always hoped no hunter ever got her. Christy: What a touching story! (dreamy sigh) (A buzzer sounds, jumping Christy. Time is up.) Alice: Well, Miss Huddleston, it seems like it is now time for you to make your decision. Will it be Bachelor #1? Bachelor #2? Or Bachelor #3? (tick tock sound is heard for a minute, then bachelors 1 & 2 erupt in a debate) Bachelor #2(David): She won=t pick you, you=re too much of a realist. Bachelor #1(Neil): Well, she won=t pick you either. You have inappropriate thoughts! Bachelor #2(David): You=re a troubled man, not one of the fold! Bachelor #1(Neil): Well, I know all about Bonnie Prince Charlie! Bachelor #2(David): I=m the defender of the David Dames! (bragging) Bachelor #1(Neil): Oh, yeah! I=m the Protector of the Neil Lasses! And they out number David Dames 20 to 1! (The two men start arm wrestling.) Alice: (rolling her eyes, putting a had to her hair) Miss Huddleston, time is up. What is your decision? Christy: (looking pretty confident) Miss Alice, I would have to say I was most impressed withYYYYBachelor #3! (BE looks shocked for a moment, then preens like a peacock, his chest puffing out in a haughty air. David and Neil are stunned to the core, their mouths hanging open in shock.) Alice: First, let=s meet the men you did not choose. Bachelor #1 is the doctor of Cutter Gap and my former son in law. Neil MacNeill. (Neil comes out from behind screen/sheet. Hugs Christy with a scowl.) Neil: How could you pick him??? I ate your burnt chicken, didn=t I? Alice: (interrupting) And here=s Bachelor #2. The preacher of the Cove, David Grantland. (David sulks out, a stunned expression on his face, hugs Christy.) David: I thought you=d pick me. After all, I=m the only eligible bachelor your age within 50 miles! Alice: All right, gentlemen. Stand aside. Now, let=s introduce the bachelor you did chose. He owns his own business, (BE says from behind the screen/sheet ASunshine, moonshine, but hit ain=t@ to the audience) recites a fair poem and can mend like no other. Please meet your date, Bird=s Eye Taylor! (BE takes off his hat, smooths what hair he=s got, then walks out. He shyly pats Christy=s shoulder, then is shocked when Christy hugs him!) Christy: Who would have thought this grizzled mountain man would be all soft and squishy inside. BE: I do believe my armor=s been truly pierced. (holds hand over heart & looks adoringly at Christy) Alice: Well, I can see you two have hit it off quite nicely. And here=s your dream date. An all expense paid dinner at Mrs. Tatum=s Boarding House! (the couple hug excitedly). And now, please, everyone join me in The Courting Game kiss as we say goodbye. (All stand in a row and do the dating game kiss. Neil and David only going through the motions half heartedly, BE & Christy excitedly, Alice with a serene expression on her face) TRANSITION ANNOUNCER: Don=t miss tomorrow=s special edition of every shopper=s favorite game show, AThe Price is Right,@ when you=ll hear contestant Uncle Bogg McHone bid on mission barrel apparel: UNCLE BOOG=S VOICE: Fresh kill=s worth two vests. TRANSITION ANNOUNCER: That=s Tuesday morning at 10, 9 central. COMMERCIALS: Ida Sweetwater Pies TRANSITION ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Ida Grantland Living, a gardening expert and a surprise guest you won=t EVER find on Martha Stewart Finlay-McLennan. IDA GRANTLAND LIVING by Angela Characters: Ida Grantland Bird's-Eye Taylor Fairlight Spencer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Prop list: apron (Angela has) dried flowers (Angela has) theme music from "Martha Stewart Living" (Angela will try to tape this) basket (Angela has) vase (Angela has) ribbon (Angela has) toy rifle (Kay has) possibly a moonshine jug (if we can find one) stack of letters (Angela has) two tables, one set with a tablecloth (I have one folding table in the back of Charlie and I'll try to locate a tablecloth for a square table) sack of beans (Angela has) plastic (such as a heavy-duty trash bag) potting soil shawl ruler (I'm sure I have one somewhere!) "dead fish" (Angela has) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Scene opens with Ida taking dried flowers from a basket and arranging them in a vase. Music from "Martha Stewart Living" plays. Ida seems not to notice the audience watching her at first, but as she finishes her arrangement, she steps back and "takes in" her work, smiling slightly because she is proud of her accomplishment. It is at this point that she seems to realize the audience's presence). Ida: One of the wonderful things about springtime is the proliferation of wildflowers, but by learning to properly dry them, it's possible to enjoy wildflowers all year long. Many mornings before I begin the *endless* list of *back-breaking* chores to be done at the Mission House, I go out roaming the hillsides, collecting as many varieties of flowers as I can find. Next, I bundle them all together with ribbon and hang them upside down in a cool, dry, dark place, like underneath the schoolhouse. Unfortunately, the pigs ate my last batch, but that's another story. Try drying some flowers of your own -- it's a good thing. (Note: "It's a good thing" is Martha's trademark line and should be emphasized). (Bird's-Eye Taylor storms on-stage, carrying his rifle and moonshine jug). Bird's-Eye: Don't know what you're a-talkin' about. 'Tain't no good thang. The petals on them flowers is fallin' off into the moonshine, and now all the menfolks of the Cove is in trouble with their women. Them flowers is makin' their breath smell like perfume. Ida: Why, Mr. Taylor, that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Bird's-Eye: (getting closer to Ida and sounding more threatening) Well, it is! All the wives is thinkin' the men be visitin' the teahouse over to El Pano when all they been doin' is takin' a few swigs of white lightnin'. 'Sides, the smell of moonshine's supposed ta take the hair outta people's noses, not make 'em smell all prettified. Ida: (not backing down -- confident although scared as in "Both Your Houses" when men try to break into Mission) I'm sure we can work something out, Mr. Taylor. If we organize the space underneath the schoolhouse effectively, we should have room for your jugs of moonshine, my flowers, Becky O'Teale, the pigs, Lundy, and Singer Lee. Bird's-Eye: (shaking his head and walking off-stage) I disgust meddlin' women. Ida: (smiles stiffly as she again faces the audience, trying to recompose herself) Well, it's always nice to have unexpected guests join us on our show. (She picks up the stack of letters from the table). I'd like to continue today's episode of "Ida Grantland Living" by reading a letter from one of our viewers. The first letter reads, 'Dear Miz Ida, I wuz wonderin' if'n you mought be able ta give me a few household hints. I shorely do need some help...gotta mess a'younguns to cook fer and clean up after. Trouble is, I never do get to the cleanin' part. No, ma'am...never can seem ta get the cabin or the yard clean, and Doc MacNeill sez he's gonna haunt me 'til I get it thataway. He sez there's some sorta germs on my utensils. I'm not quite sure what he's a-meanin' by that, but I'm right tired of him showin' up to our place wearin' a white glove to see if I done got it cleaned up yet. Reckon you kin holp me out? I'd be obleeged. Signed, Swannie O'Teale.' Mrs. O'Teale, my best advice is this: Sometimes it is just better to start over from scratch. You know, cut your losses and start over from the ground up. Make a clean sweep of it, so to speak. I'll send Creed Allen over to smoke some rabbit tobacco, and that should take care of things. Just make sure everyone's cleared out of the cabin before he arrives. (Ida moves over to another table set up for bean planting). Have you ever said to yourself while eating beans, 'These sure taste good? I wish I knew how to grow them in my own yard'? Well, if you have, you're in luck, because today we have a special guest to show us how to plant them, a woman known all around the cove for her bean-planting, Mrs. Fairlight Spencer. (Fairlight steps on stage wearing a shawl around her shoulders. Her face and clothes are smudged with dirt, and her hair is unkempt. She seems paranoid and somewhat *disturbed*). Welcome, Mrs. Spencer. Fairlight: (nodding, looking only *slightly* disturbed at this point) Mornin'. Ida: Mrs. Spencer, when is the best time of year for bean planting? Fairlight: Well, genr'ly springtime, but I've been known to plant 'em when we've had a frost just peeking around the corner. My husband makes fun of me for it, but that don't stop me. Ida: Is there a best time of the day to plant them? Fairlight: I like to plant by moonlight after everyone's already gone ta bed. Ida: (raising her eyebrows curiously at Fairlight) Is there a special reason you plant at that time, Mrs. Spencer? Fairlight: Trouble's comin', and I aim for my family to be ready for it. Ida: Oh, I see. Well, maybe you can show us the proper method for planting now. (NOTE: I think much of the humor of this scene is going to be the physical humor of the planting -- the contrast of the two women side by side, Ida being very careful and methodical, while Fairlight's planting becomes frenzied. Also, it will be obvious to the audience that Fairlight is not "quite right", but Ida will not seem to notice Fairlight's state of mind). Fairlight: (beginning to mound soil together with her hands; she does all of the things as she says them) Oh, it ain't hard a'tall. You just mound up the dirt like this and make a little hole at the top of it for the beans. Just put the beans in, scoop some more dirt on top, and pat it down a bit with your fingers. Ida: Don't you need to do anything special to the beans before planting them? What about soaking them in water several days before planting so they'll have already started sprouting? Fairlight: Well, I cain't say as I've ever done that afore. Them beans be knowin' what to do without much help from me. Ida: What about preparing the soil? Shouldn't it be fully tilled before you plant? (Ida takes ruler out from her apron pocket and begins to measure how far down to make the indention at the top of her mound of dirt). Fairlight: I jest genr'ly dig up the earth a little and... (noticing that Ida is using a ruler to measure how far down to plant the beans) ...Miz Ida, what in the world are you doin'? Ida: For proper soil coverage and to ensure all of my bean plants will begin to appear at about the same time, I like to use a ruler, planting all of the seeds at a standard depth of one and one half inches. You can purchase a wooden ruler like this one at the general store in El Pano...they're very inexpensive and quite useful in numerous household projects. Fairlight: That sounds plum crazy even to me, but if'n you say so, Miz Ida. Ida: One of the things that I like best about beans is that they're not only an excellent source of protein, they're simple to prepare and can be eaten as either a side dish or as an entree, if you serve them with cornbread. Fairlight: (continues planting process but now at a faster pace than before; looks upward at "trees" and pulls shawl over head as in "Second Sight") They're also good when the darkness is comin' if you want to be able to feed your family. Ida: Now, Mrs. Spencer, what must be done to guarantee the optimal growth of the beans? Do you use any sort of natural fertilizer? I've heard that cut-up fish can be planted alongside the beans as a wonderful means of providing the budding plants with all the necessary essentials for proper growth. Fairlight: (her planting has now reached a rapid pace, and she is getting dirt all over herself -- Ida is so involved in her own planting that doesn't even notice this; Fairlight's eyes are now wide as in "Second Sight") Dead fish? Ida: (taking "dead fish" from her apron and holding it up to Fairlight's face) Yes, and goodness knows we certainly have plenty of fish in these parts. Now, should one be careful when choosing the exact spot for planting? After all, if the bean plants don't get enough sunlight, they won't grow as they should. It can be a difficult thing to find a spot without any TREES around here. Fairlight: (muttering and looking above her as though she is frightened by the trees) The trees... Ida: Hmm, there's an idea. Maybe we should have a whole show on trees. We could discuss which ones are best for different uses, you know, which ones make the best ashes for making lye, which are best for building cabins and so forth. When you think about it, it's really amazing there are still so many trees, what with all of them that are chopped down to clear land for planting, building cabins and such. Fairlight: (still looking up as she continues planting; she is quite distraught at this point) The trees...they're cryin' and I can't stop the trees from cryin'. I shoulda never sold that quilt! Ida: Oh, Mrs. Spencer, that's another good idea. Would you consider coming back and showing us your quilting techniques another day? I hear you design your own patterns. Fairlight: (totally "losing it" and placing hands over head as in "Second Sight") I don't know, Miz Ida... Ida: It would mean so much to our viewers. Fairlight: I don't know what it means, but I know it's trouble. Ida: Mrs. Spencer? (waves hand in front of face as if a fly is buzzing around her) Oh, goodness, someone let a fly in. Shoo!!! Shoo!!! Fairlight: My babies! I shoulda never bought 'em those shoes! Ida: Mrs. Spencer? Fairlight: (begins to exit stage) Time ta go, Miz Ida. Darkness is comin' (runs off stage, looking upward at "trees"). Ida: Well, that seems to be all for our show today (clears throat and looks off-stage; music from "Martha Stewart Living" begins to play). I'm glad you could join us, and hope that you'll tune in again tomorrow when we visit with local craftsman Dan Scott to watch him as he creates some of his lovely wooden animal carvings, and then as we take a field trip to the Big Mud Hole and learn how to make mud bottom pies. COMMERCIALS: Fairlight=s Psychic Hotline and Creed Allen Public Service Announcement TRANSITION ANNOUNCER: There has been a slight change in this morning=s air schedule. Due to a sudden typhoid fever epidemic affecting the entire cast of The Young and the Shoeless, that daytime drama will not be seen today. Instead, All My Young=uns will run an hour earlier, to be followed by As the Butter Churns. ALL MY YOUNG=UNS SOAP OPERA by Gap Characters: Announcer (off-stage), David, Neil, Christy, Doctor Ferrand, Alice, Margaret (off-stage) Props: Chair, Ringbox, Cassette Player Positions: --> <-- Ferrand Neil Christy David Alice <-- Ferrand and Christy Alice in chair ANNOUNCER: All My Young'uns (theme music from Days of Our Lives) a story about the life and loves of a young schoolteacher, who came to Cutter Gap looking for a husband... When we last saw our heroine, Christy was torn between her love for David Grantland and Doctor Neil MacNeill... (Scene: In front of the mission church/schoolhouse. CHRISTY is being torn between DAVID and NEIL. Literally. DAVID and NEIL are in the midst of a tug of war, with CHRISTY serving as the rope.) DAVID (hauling CHRISTY to his side): She's mine! NEIL (yanking CHRISTY back towards him): I saw her first! DAVID (pulling CHRISTY to him): Finder's keeper'sY NEIL (tugging CHRISTY back): You got the big horse, so I should get Christy! DAVID (dragging CHRISTY over): Christy and I were meant to be together. She's a Pisces and I'm a Scorpio. NEIL (contemptuous): You? Hah! I bet Miss Ida writes your sermons for you! DAVID (scornful): And I think Aunt Hattie curls your hair! NEIL: Pretty boy! DAVID: Quack! CHRISTY (pleading): Don't I get a say in this? DAVID and NEIL in unison: No! (A few more tugs, then DAVID finally succeeds, and CHRISTY stumbles to the floor at his feet. Smug, DAVID pulls the ring-box out of his pocket and presents it to her.) DAVID (impatiently): Well, Christy? CHRISTY (uncertainly, picking herself off the floor): David, I'm just not sure about my feelings right now. Can't you give me more time? DAVID (amicably): Of course I will. Take all the time you need. (CHRISTY looks relieved. DAVID pulls out a cassette recorder and presses "play". The "Jeopardy theme song" plays. After a few bars, NEIL shuts it off.) NEIL: I think we've waited long enough. Who will it be, Miss Huddleston? (Christy uncertainly stares around the stage and focuses in Neil's direction. She suddenly becomes decisive and firm.) CHRISTY (loudly and clearly): I cannot marry you, David Grantland. (Stung, DAVID draws his breath in sharply. NEIL wears a broad grin.) YOU are a preacher. And my secret heart will always belong to another...profession. (NEIL looks wise and knowing. CHRISTY looks in his direction, and her eyes widen with delight. CHRISTY drops the box on the floor. She stretches her arms out in love. Delighted, NEIL stretches his arms out in response. CHRISTY starts walking in his direction.) NEIL (beaming, with love in his voice): Christy! CHRISTY (walking past him, with love in her voice): Jacob! DAVID and NEIL (stunned): Jacob???? (JACOB FERRAND appears on stage, behind NEIL. CHRISTY runs into his embrace. DAVID'S jaw drops visibly. NEIL is stunned, his arms still frozen in their outstretched position.) NEIL (flabbergasted): Doctor FERRAND?????? DAVID (finding his voice): But why, Christy, why?!? CHRISTY (looking with admiration at FERRAND): It sounds SOOO distinguished to say you've married a doctor. And I've always liked older men. NEIL (desperately): I'm old! (CHRISTY pays no attention. She fawns over FERRAND. The two begin to walk off-stage.) CHRISTY (cooing): My, what big muscles you have Doctor! NEIL (calling after them like a little boy): I have big muscles! (He rolls up his sleeve, and forms a bicep. But CHRISTY and FERRAND are long gone.) DAVID (choking back sobs): It's too late, Neil. NEIL (in disbelief): She's gone. DAVID (in despair): And there's not another single woman within fifty miles! NEIL (in despair): What are we going to do now, David? (The two men stare at each other in despair. Then MISS ALICE comes on stage.) ALICE (cheerfully): Miss Huddleston, the children of Cataleechie send their regards...(ALICE notices CHRISTY'S gone) Miss Huddleston? (DAVID and NEIL look at her with a sudden surmise, then look at each other. Broad grins cover their faces. They manage to contain their excitement with difficulty.) DAVID (taking her arm): You know, Alice, you really shouldn't go off on your own like that. You might get lost in a cave... or taken hostage... ALICE (surprised): Why... NEIL (interrupting, solicitious, the caring man): You look tired. You've had a long ride. Maybe you should sit down. (NEIL leads ALICE to a chair where she sits. DAVID glares at NEIL, and moves closer to ALICE.) DAVID (solemnly): Alice, did I ever tell you that your hair smells like roses? ALICE (surprised): Why, no, thee hasn't. NEIL (interrupts): That dress complements your girlish figure, Alice. ALICE (baffled, but accepting the compliment, smoothes out her dress): Why, thank you, Neil... NEIL (charming): I think you would be a sight for sore eyes in lavender silk, lass (moves in closer to her)...You don't mind if I call you lass, do you...? (Alarmed, DAVID retrieves the ring box and presents it to ALICE). DAVID (kneeling): Alice, will you marry me? ALICE (stunned): David Grantland! NEIL (solemnly): Before you answer him, remember. (Impressive pause, as DAVID and ALICE look at him) The dance is more important than the frying pan, Miss Henderson. ALICE: (puzzled): Isn't that the line you used to pick up Margaret! DAVID (bristling): Well, it won't work this time! (DAVID and NEIL glare at each other) ANNOUNCER: Who will Miss Alice choose? Stay tuned to tomorrow's episode of All My Young'uns, when we hear Margaret say... MARGARET: (off-stage, yells) What do you mean, you're in love with my mother??? COMMERCIALS: Lurkers R Us and Margaret=s Record Album THEME SONG: Kinnigan=s Island (Before song starts, CP gets out of chair, walks across stage and exits. Then song is played. As song ends, CP re-enters stage with a Stewart=s root beer and some potato chips.) COUCH POTATO: (Picks up remote and changes the channel) I can=t stand that Kinnigan=s Island show. Those doctors have a chance to escape the Cove every episode, but that clumsy Neil messes it up every time. (I love Lucy theme music plays) I Love Ruby. Now that=s quality television. I LOVE RUBY SITCOM by Kay R = Ruby Mae, B = Bessie, Robbie = Rob Allen Scene 1 [Inside Ruby's cabin; Ruby is a bit depressed, ironing. Bessie knocks. R stops ironing, and slumps over to the door and opens it.] B: Hi Ruby. R: Oh hi, Bessie. [R turns to go back to her ironing; Bessie has to close the door.] B: I heard Robbie was headed back to Knoxville yesterday, so I jes came up to see how you was doin. [She observes the cabin, which is tidy.] R: [Flatly] Oh fine. Jes tryin to keep busy whilst Robbie's away. B: I can see - jus what have you been up to? R: [A bit sarcastically.] Well, first I cleaned the cabin from top to bottom. Then I quilted all my scraps. Then I knitted 2 pair of winter stockings. [Sigh.] And so now I'm ironing the curtains. B: Ironing the curtains! [Looks over R's shoulder.] Ruby, those are burlap! R: Well?? [Losing her cool a little bit.] What else is there to do? What did you used to do when John was on his huntin' trips? B: Celebrate. R: [Scoffingly] Awww - B: Honey, them thar were the good ol' days. Since he's taken up with makin' dulcimers, he's drivin' me plum crazy. If it weren't for his trips to El Pano for supplies, I'd go madder than a March hare! R: [Sadly.] Well, better to be mad than lonely B [as she slumps into a chair] the KLUB is ruining our lives. B: I thought you said Robbie was enjoying the KLUB. R: Oh, he is. He's enjoyin' it so much he's never home anymore. B: What does KLUB stand for again? R: Knoxville Literary United Brotherhood. Authors from all over the Southeast are in it, "sharing their wealth of knowledge, their ideas - stretching their minds -" Since he's become a KLUB brother, I've become a KLUB widow. B: Well, for a writer, that does sound mighty appealing. R: Last month, he was studying what makes a hero. And I had to listen all about the hero in books like "Pride and Premises". I got a little interested in "Treacherous Island," but I fell asleep during "Donkey Hoe-Down." And talk about boring - stay away from "War Ends Peace." Sometimes, I just HATE the KLUB. B: Oh, Honey... R: I bet I'm the only woman in the cove who pats her dog, hugs her pillow, and kisses her dreams goodbye every morning. [The two exchange glances - Ruby continues:] R: Bessie, what 'm I gonna do? I jes cain't go on like this, day after empty day while Robbie is in Knoxville "expanding his mind and broadening his intellectual horizons ---" B: Why don't you broaden your own horizons and get a hobby? Become an expert at something yourself - smart gal like you could come up with sum'thin. R: Yeah. [More excited and determined] I could take up somethin' new and show him I kin be an expert, too. [Downcast] But what? B: I know [Big eyes] You kin look in one of them fancy new fangled Godey's Lady's Magazines. It's got a fashion section, a cookin' section, oh, a column where readers write in, sometimes there's contests, and in the back you kin order thangs like a catalog! I'll have John brang one back from El Pano next time he goes. R: Oh Bessie, that's a great idea. I know I kin become good at somthin'!! Scene 2 [Ruby's cabin, three weeks later. Bessie knocks and lets herself in.] B: Hey, Ruby! R: Hey, Bessie. B: Robbie gone again? R: [Sarcastically] Yes, he's off in Knoxville, expanding his mind so's it'll fit into that big head he's gettin'. How are you and Mr. Music doin? B: El Pano. R: He's in El Pano again?? B: No, livin' with him is an El Pain-o. [They laugh] So, how's it goin' here? R: [Doubtfully] Well - I've been tryin' to put some ideas together, like we said, and, and tryin' to get good at somethin' like in the magazine - B: And?? R: Well, [hopefully] I, I tried a couple of things. One article told about makin' sachets and things from lavender. B: Oh, that sounds good. R: Yeah, I got lots 'a lavender, but my Lavender Lovelies turned out more like Lavender Lousies [dumb smile on her face, she hold up a sad wreath of dried flowers]. Then I tried designin' hats [holds up the corncob hat]. Wanna taste Ruby's Rhubarb Royales [offers Bessie a tin]? B: [Suspiciously] What are those? R: Candies. B: I can't get one out. R: Neither could I. Oh Bessie, I'm no good at these home creations. How will I ever show Robbie I'm smart and interesting? [Starts to cry the Lucy WAAAA] B: There, there [comforts Ruby], honey. Let's just sit down [they sit] and think this through. Maybe there's one more idea in here that'll work. [Start thumbing through the magazine.] Uh - here - needlepoint competition? [Ruby nods 'no' sadly] Uh - drawing sketches for Christmas cards? [Ruby nods 'no' vigorously] Uh - poetry contest? [Ruby just LOOKS at Bessie.] Uh - [Bessie buries her head in the magazine, as if to look harder. There is a pause.] R: That's it! B: What's it? R: The poetry contest!! Why, I kin finally meet Robbie on his own ground. B: But you cain't write poetry - R: No, but Robbie can! I'll just send in one of Robbie's poems and win that contest! B: [Inhales]Oh - Ruby ! You can't do that. That's dishonest. R: Oh yes I can - I can sign 'R. Allen' They'll never know who it is. B: [Inhales] Oh no, this smells like trouble to me. R: What trouble? I can mail one in, and presto - Robbie Allen has an award-winning wife, [raising her eyebrows and lifting her nose] deserving of praise, respect, and attention. B: [Sarcastically] "Praise, respect, and attention" -- You're more likely to get a prayer from the Rev. Grantland, a reject from the magazine, and detention from Uncle Bogg. R: Oh come on, Bessie [already shuffling through papers] Even I know the shortest distance between 2 Allens is a poetic line! [Bessie rolls her eyes; R continues to look in files] Scene 3 [Ruby's cabin. Ruby awaits Bessie's arrival anxiously, looks out of window, hops up and down. Ruby scurries over to open door, and Bessie enters.] R: Bessie, I won [holding letter]! I won the poetry contest! B: [Delighted] You did?? R: Yes, jes feast your eyes on this! B: [Reading letter] "It is with great pleasure that Godey's Lady's Magazine awards R. Allen first place in our Spring Poetry Contest. As winner, you are hereby invited to share "Spring's Sweet Song" at the awards ceremony to be held at the Great Smoky Mountain Poetry Review, April 25, 1912, at the Mountain View Hotel in Atlanta. Please accept our heartiest congratulations. Yours Truly, Mrs. Ted Turner, Head Judge" [Ruby is proud as a peacock, but Bessie has doubt on her face] B: Ruby, you can't read a poem you didn't write and accept an award for it - And just how do you plan to sneak down to Atlanta without Robbie suspecting anything? R: [Rattled a bit] I know, I know [wringing hands] But Bessie, it's the only way to get that award. [Desperately] Maybe I could get someone else to read it for me. B: [Sarcastically] Like who - Scarlett O'Hara? You=d better come clean with Robbie before word gets around and he finds out. R: Well, that=s the other problem I=ve got [She holds up 5 letters.] B: Who in the world wrote you all those letters?? [Etta grabs one and reads] Dear Miss Allen, Mrs. Ted Turner has just written to inform me that your entry won the Godey's Lady's Magazine poetry contest. Upon hearing your captivating verse, I immediately decided to invite you to be a guest speaker at the Charleston Literary Society. Please contact . . . [her voice fades as she eyes the rest] Yours truly, Miss Ally McBeal [Bewildered] Who's that one from? R:[Reads] The president of the Greater Asheville Women's Club, Mrs. Harriet Winslow. B: [Catches on and sarcastically reads another] On behalf of the Roanoke Ladies Guild, let me invite you to our annual Poetry workshop at the College of Washington and Lee. . . feature article in the Roanoke Gazette - Sincerely yours, Miss Lucy Knight. Ruby, don=t you think Roanoke is a bit far to go for recognition? R: Well, yeah. This one=s not so far away: AAllow me to introduce myself. My name is Edith Bunker of Chattanooga, and I am the ----- B: [Interrupting] Ruby, it doesn=t matter where it is, it=s wrong, and you=ll never get away with any of this. R: [Giving Bessie questioning big eyes, reads the last one with question in her voice] The Nashville News is happy to invite you to march in Nashville's First Easter Parade as honorary chairman of the Lady's Poets' Society????? B: You can't march in a parade in Nashville, Tennessee. R: I can receive the award from Asheville, North Carolina and the certificate from the lady in Chattanooga - and who's gonna tell Robbie I went to Nashville? Certainly not my best friend Bessie Spencer!! [Off stage, we here Robbie coming home as he enters and says] Robbie: Hi Honey, I'm home from the KLUB. R: Hi Dear, How did it go? [He gives her a peck] Bessie: [Edging quickly to the door] I was just leaving. Bye. Robbie: Wonderful - very stimulating. [Taking off coat, etc Ruby quickly collect letters and hides them] We really dug deep and found what makes a true literary hero. R: Oh, what's that? Robbie: Interestingly enough only 5 things, really: a goal, motivation, sacrifice, courage, and above all, honesty. R: Anything else? [Sits in his lap, trying to divert the conversation] Robbie: Well, perhaps a good woman behind him, giving him support and encouragement - and speaking of which, I'm going to Atlanta next month. R: [Casually] Really? [She gets up to go do a chore, showing only modest interest in his last statement and faces audience] Robbie: Yes, You might be proud to know that the entire KLUB has been invited to the Great Smoky Mountain Poetry Review. There are going to be some bigwig type publishers there so I want to be sure and go and rub elbows with them. R: [Rattled, trying not to show it] The Smoky Mountain Poetry Review? [Fake smile] Oh - how impressive - that's, that's wonderful, dear. When might that be? Robbie: Later this month, in Atlanta! R: Oh [still fidgety] How nice - Atlanta. Will you stay for all of it? Robbie: Well, yes, I was planning to - can't miss an opportunity like this. R: Oh no, no. Not one like that. But, Robbie, don't you want to help your pa? He's getting' mighty busy just now at the mill. Robbie: [Sits down and pulls out a newspaper he brought home] Oh, Honey. There are plenty of little Allens to help out. If they just keep their keep their heads, I=m sure they can handle it. [Puts his arm around Ruby] AND, I have a surprise for you - I've reserved a hotel room for the 2 of us. You're coming with me!! R: Really?? [Excited] Oh Robbie, that's wonderful [hugs him, then realized the conflict] Wait a minute - Robbie, [nervously] I can't go. Robbie: Can't go?? What do you mean you can't go? R: Uh - the - uh I'm - uh - I can't travel -- uh Robbie: What is it - what could possibly keep you from coming with me? R: What were those 5 things that make a hero again. Robbie: A goal, motivation, sacri - hey, wait a minute. What's that got to do with anything? R: Maybe it's time you started putting what you know to work - Start that novel that you've always wanted to write. Money doesn't grow on trees, ya know. **Then** maybe we could consider staying at places like that fancy Mountain View Hotel. Right now, we=d better just stick to the Bug Tussle Bed and Biscuit. Robbie: [Pause. Purposefully] I never said anything about which hotel in Atlanta we would be staying at. R: [Wrinkles nose, shows clenched teeth and says the famous Lucy] OO -ooooooooo [Robbie has found her out, and she knows it] Robbie: Ruby, what's going on here? How did you know about the hotel?? Tell me what you've been up to. R: Oh what's the use? You're gonna find out anyway. [Sigh] You're always at the KLUB. It's always on your mind, and it takes you away form me. So I decided I needed to show you I was smart and interesting and worth staying home for. I tried a few thing from Godey's Lady's Magazine that Bessie had John get from El Pano, but my Lavender Lovelies were lousy, my hats were worse, and Ruby's Rhubarb Royales stuck to the tin. So I decided if I got an award, you would notice and respect me more -- so I, I entered a poetry contest and won. Robbie: You won? How? R: It was easy. I just dug into your files and used one of yours. Robbie: WHAT! You used one of MY poems?? There's only one thing to do with you. R: What? Robbie: [Angrily] I'm going to take you with me to Atlanta. R: No, Robbie, no. Robbie: Oh yes - you want an award, you go and get it. You go right down to Atlanta, [gently] so I can give you the Sweetest Wife in Cutter Gap Award [gives her a peck]. R: What?? Robbie: [Sweetly] Why don't you meet me in Atlanta after the Review and we'll take a second honeymoon? R: Really? Oh, Robbie, you're wonderful. [Hugs him] Robbie: You shouldn't have used ASpring's Sweet Song,@ though. AVerse at Twilight@ would have been much better. R: Oh really? [Astounded when she realizes] Wait a minute Y how did YOU know which poem I used??? Robbie: [Starts laughing Ricky Ricardo's Ha --- Ha ---- Ha ---- laugh] The Godey's Lady's Magazine asked the KLUB to **judge** their contest. When my poem came up, I knew what you'd done and wrote you that fake congratulatory letter. R: Robbie, you stinker. You knew all along. Robbie: I told the boys down at the KLUB it was a practical joke from my loving wife, and then we wrote you those letters. Each of the guys mailed one from his hometown. R: No! Robbie: They all think you're very clever and deserving of much praise and respect. R: Really? Robbie: But not as much as I do. Behind every successful poet, there has to be an award-winning wife. COMMERCIALS: GooGoo Bars and Scottish Brogue Books TRANSITION ANNOUNCER: Up next, the endearing sitcom sequel to Catherine Marshall=s beloved novel Christy. THEME SONG: The Spencer Bunch COUCH POTATO: That has got to be the cheesiest show! (Changes the channel) THEME SONG: Green Acres COUCH POTATO: Green Acres? Nah! (Changes the channel again) THEME SONG: Beverly Hillbillies COUCH POTATO: Isn=t there anything but old sitcoms on tv this late at night? (Changes the channel to find): LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID GRANTLAND by Regina DRAFT! (Scene opens with Jeb Spencer on stage.) JEB: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Late Night with David Grantland. And please welcome your host, David Grantland. (Jeb then retires to the side of the stage. David appears onstage, bowing profusely and waving to the audience who should be applauding at this point. He gestures for them to stop, and begins his opening monologue.) DAVID: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I flew in from Low Gap and boy, are my arms tired. (He looks at the audience expectantly, hoping to get a laugh. Jeb, immediately following the joke hits a pot with a wooden spoon to signal that a punchline has just been made). Seriously, folks, have you heard about the goings on in Low Gap? It seems that they are trying to get rid of a certain doctor who keeps going there for a few days. They have tried everything, short of shooting. Maybe I could give them Ruby Mae's recipe for poisoned possum. . . oh, wait, I've tried that before (David shakes his head). (Jeb breaks in with a few bars/notes of "Shall We Gather at the River".) DAVID: Not now, Jeb. (David shoots him a look and straightens his suit). Let's just move right on to the top 10 list. (Jeb starts singing "It's another top 10, It's another top 10! It's another TOP ten". David retires behind his desk). Jeb, do you have to do that all the time? Can't you go look for some bees or something? (Jeb smiles broadly at the preacher.) DAVID: Tonight's top 10 list: Reasons Why Christy Should Choose Me Instead of the Country Bumpkin Doctor. 10. I play a mean ukelele. 9. Unlike some people, I would never let Christy see me washing my armpits. (At this point, Neil MacNeill bounds onto the stage furiously.) NEIL: Watch it, Grantland. At least my armpits are clean AND I have my OWN top 10 list, you know. Reasons why Christy should choose me: After all, she tells me her deepest thoughts. Fairlight told me so. DAVID: I'll ignore that Doctor. She tells her deepest thoughts to everyone. Just the other day, I heard her telling the pigs how she felt about you. NEIL: Top 10 Reasons Christy should choose me. 10. My rugged good looks-haven't you seen the way my hair curls over my forehead? DAVID: Maybe if you washed it more often. . . 8. I have a family Bible. You have no faith, Doctor. NEIL: 9. I love the people of this Cove and so does she. DAVID: I love them too, you know. I just show my feelings in different way. Remember when I got my hands all cracked and bleeding? Huh? Huh? Proof that I love them. NEIL: Ok, Grantland, I'll let you have that as a freebie. I would not want to sound too conceited. 8. I can play Highland Games. DAVID: Big deal! You do them while wearing a skirt! Like a girl. (David starts to laugh). NEIL: Grantland, you have no sense of history. It is a kilt not a skirt. I have told you that a hundred times. DAVID: MacNeill wears a skirt! MacNeill wears a skirt. . (in a teasing way) And don't you remember I told you I played the ukelele? That is SO much more impressive than throwing a beam through the air. . . NEIL: Says who? Any addlepated fool can play music. (At this point, Jeb breaks in singing "Sourwood Mountain" or some other such song.) DAVID: Jeb, not now! (He says this with irritation). I should never have let Bird's Eye out of his contract. (Jeb stops singing.) JEB: I vote for the Doc. (He casts a glance at David). DAVID: 7. I have that really nice cable knit sweater that she likes. NEIL: Not that sweater again. If I hear one more blasted word about how good you look in that sweater, I'll tear it apart myself. DAVID: Jealousy is a sin, Doctor. I think I can spare everyone the rest of my list and skip straight to the number one reason that Christy should marry me. (Jeb takes out a pot and starts banging on it.) DAVID: The number one reason why Christy should marry me. . . .(pause) is. . . because I want her to! NEIL: Yes, Reverend, but what does SHE want? The dance is more important than the frying pan. DAVID: (barely controlling his emotions, starting to yell at the Doctor). Can't you ever stop saying that? You make up one good line and you milk it for all its worth! Get a life, MacNeil. If I have to hear that line one more time! (Neil and David at this point get into a loud, not quite coherent argument. Jeb rises and moves in front of them. He smiles broadly and starts singing "When A Man Loves a Woman") COUCH POTATO changes the channel after "Late Night" to see the very ending of a "Beverly Hillbillies" rerun: Well, now it's time to say goodbye to JEB and all his kin They would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in You're all invited back again to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is, set a spell, take your shoes off Y'all come back now, hear? THE END